by Anne Barwell
Honestly. He shook his head. Why couldn’t his sister see how much work he had to do? Schoolwork didn’t plan or mark itself, and he was determined to make this concert a success. Once he got past June, he could relax a bit. A few more weeks of hard work, and keeping up his current pace would pay off.
“You want to go straight home?”
Marcus’s question made Joel look up in surprise. “Huh?”
“I need to know what lane to get into,” Marcus explained.
“Home.” Joel added, “Please.” He hadn’t realized they’d already left the city and were on the motorway.
Marcus glanced at him. “Are you sure?” He slowed down to let a car change lanes in front of them, and then he sped up again. “You look like you could use some time out.”
“Yeah.” Joel straightened up. Marcus probably had a point. Despite having slept in a bit later that morning, Joel still felt tired. He jabbed at the button to lower the car window and breathed in the fresh air. The temperature had dropped, and gray clouds chased one another across the otherwise blue sky.
Marcus edged the car into the right-hand lane but didn’t push Joel to elaborate. At least not out loud. Joel had discovered that one of the reasons Marcus didn’t need to always say much was that the words he didn’t speak still managed to be heard loud and clear.
“I can hear your thoughts from here,” Joel said.
“Good.” Marcus glanced at Joel again. “I’m concerned. Something’s up. The fact you’re so quiet speaks volumes.”
“Sorry. I… I’m… I’m not doing so well.” Joel kept his tone light. If he talked about how he felt, he knew he’d never stop. “Guess you do that thing where you say stuff without saying it better than me, huh?”
“Just because I do that doesn’t mean I should. If you feel you can talk, I’ll listen.”
Once they’d driven over the bridge to Petone, Marcus took a right turn at the roundabout onto the Esplanade and then crossed the road to park the car in front of the foreshore by the wharf. A couple of children collected driftwood on the beach, their father keeping a watchful eye on them and taking the occasional photo with his phone. Seagulls circled overhead, already heading inland in preparation for the coming rain.
“Okay, I get the message.” Joel sighed. “But if we’re going to talk about this, can I at least choose where?”
“Of course.” Marcus didn’t restart the engine. “I know I’m still not great at talking about the things I should, so I probably have a nerve expecting you to, but… even if you don’t want to, I… I just want to be here for you, okay?”
Joel smiled. “Thanks, and I appreciate it.” He stared out at the ocean for a few minutes. “There’s a place I like to go to think,” he said finally. “I’d like to show it to you.”
“Thanks. I’d like that.” Marcus pulled Joel into a hug. “I do lo—care about you, Joel. I think whatever you need to talk about is something you’ve needed to get off your chest for a while.”
“Yeah.” Joel hung on to Marcus tightly, then forced himself to let go. Being in Marcus’s arms made him feel safe, but he couldn’t expect Marcus to charge in like some knight in shining armor and save the day. That kind of thing worked great in stories, but reality was way more complicated. “But not here. Head home, but don’t turn left into Waiwhetu Road. Keep driving straight ahead onto Whites Line East instead of taking the turnoff for the hill. I’ll tell you when to turn when we get there.”
“Okay.” Marcus pulled back out into traffic.
Joel wasn’t sure how exactly he was going to put what he felt into words. He knew what he wanted to say, but he’d never talked to anyone about how he felt about the situation. Although he’d spoken of their relationship in bits and pieces, he’d been careful to keep his emotions out of it, apart from that embarrassing dinner at Darin’s nearly three months ago. However, his mother’s words had struck a nerve.
“Straight through here and second on the left. We’re going to follow the road for a minute or so and pull in before we reach the footbridge to Te Whiti Park. I’ll tell you when.”
The road was slowgoing with several speed humps, and a stream ran alongside it. Small families of ducks swam together, although one loner had gone ahead. In the distance Joel could hear shouting and cheering from the sports field at the park, but they weren’t close enough to make out any words.
“Pull in here.” Joel waited until Marcus had locked the car, then taking Marcus’s hand in his, led him across the road to the stream.
Trees of all sizes lined the grassy bank, some high enough to climb, others only a few years old. Across from where they’d left the car, a lone pōhutukawa stood with several of its branches still in blossom, the red flowers adding color at the time of year they’d normally be long gone. Joel spotted a familiar tree, one with a shape that had made him smile at the time. He’d never been sure whether the trunk had split in two very early on, or whether two trees had grown close together, giving the impression of one. Ivy grew up the middle, linking the two as they’d reached for the sun.
“Interesting-looking tree,” Marcus said.
“Yeah. It reminds me of a relationship, of two people still doing their own thing but linked by their love for each other.” Joel crouched in front of it, checking the grass wasn’t too wet before he sat.
Marcus studied the tree for a moment. “I like that analogy. It’s also a good description of what I’ve always thought a relationship should be, but—” He smiled and joined Joel to sit on the grass, watching the stream. “—not forgetting the importance of still finding time to be together, of course.”
“Of course.” Joel rested his head on Marcus’s shoulder. “I’ve never told anyone about that before. It seemed… a little silly putting all that on a tree.”
“Sometimes,” Marcus said slowly, “nature is good at reminding us about what’s important. It’s one of the reasons I like working outdoors. I enjoy the hard work, but it also gives me time to think, and often I’ll see something like your tree that helps me put things in perspective.”
“Yeah. That’s one of the reasons I like coming here to think.” Joel picked up a tiny stick and turned it over in his hand. “I’m sorry I was quiet before. Mum… she thinks I need to be the one to break the silence between me and Dad.”
“What do you think?”
“It’s been twenty years, Marcus.” Joel shrugged. “He’s had a long time to come around. He’s my father. Parents are supposed to love their kids, no matter what. We used… I thought… I used to… I still love him. I miss him. When I was a kid, I’d go to work with him on a Saturday afternoon after I’d finished playing soccer. At one point I seriously thought about learning the business and us working side by side.”
“What happened?” Marcus asked softly.
“I… I don’t know. I grew up, I guess, and I realized my dad didn’t know everything. And then I figured out I was gay, and….” Joel had already told Marcus about what happened next. God, he was tired of all of it.
“I can only imagine what that was like.”
“The day I told my father I was gay was horrible. I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my world. Nothing was what I thought it should be. It made me second-guess everything. I’d thought Dad would react the same way your parents did.” Joel felt tears well at the memory. He scrubbed at his face. “I thought… I thought he loved me.”
“I’m so sorry.” Marcus wrapped his arm around Joel and ran his fingers through Joel’s hair in a soothing motion. “I wish you hadn’t had to go through that.” He stared out at the water. A sudden gust of wind scattered leaves across its surface. “I can’t believe your dad doesn’t love you. I…. Maybe he just didn’t know what to do, or how to deal with your being gay? My parents suspected I was, so maybe that helped.”
“I don’t know.” Joel bit his lip. “It’s been twenty years. I should be over all this. I was over it all. But now….” He couldn’t hide the desperation he felt any longer. “His h
ealth is going to crap. What if something happens and I never told him I still love him?”
“One of you needs to break the ice between you.” Marcus stated the obvious.
Joel yanked free of Marcus’s embrace, stood, and then started to pace. “Don’t you think I know that? He’s not going to, but… I can’t. I just can’t. What if I try and he won’t? At least I still have the illusion he might have, but what if…?”
“At least if you talk to him you’d know for sure.”
“I’m not sure I want to know.” Joel stalked over to the edge of the stream and threw the stick he still held into the water. He picked up another, a bigger one, and threw that in as well, barely missing a duck swimming past. “I…. Oh hell.” He wrapped his arms around himself.
He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t….
Marcus pulled Joel back into a firm embrace. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “I’ve got you, Joel. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you.”
Joel turned to face Marcus. “I… I know. I believe you.” He buried his head against Marcus’s chest and let go. Not just of how he was feeling now, but of the years of anger and grief he’d bottled up for so long. He didn’t make any noise, yet his shoulders heaved in silent sobbing.
Marcus stroked Joel’s back and continued to hold him tightly. “There’s no one here but us. It’s okay. You need this.”
Joel didn’t know how long they stood there, but when he finally looked up at Marcus again, he whispered, “Take me home.” He felt exhausted, as though he had nothing left. He was tired, so tired, of all of this. “Can you stay with me?”
“I’ll stay for as long as you need me,” Marcus said. Although he’d said the words before, Joel knew Marcus meant them. The lingering fear he’d not been able to rid himself of about Marcus’s commitment to their relationship had disappeared as he’d sobbed in Marcus’s arms.
“I need you.” Joel managed a shaky smile, tilted his head, and kissed Marcus long and slow. “Thank you.”
MARCUS slipped from the bed, making sure not to disturb Joel, who was still sleeping. They’d come back to Joel’s, and he’d convinced Joel to sleep for a while. Joel was exhausted to the point he’d stumbled before they’d reached the car and nearly tripped on the curb.
Joel had muttered something about needing to work, but Marcus finally convinced him to rest by promising he’d stay with him until he drifted off to sleep. He wasn’t planning to go too far afterward either, but for now he needed to be doing something so he could work through everything Joel had told him.
Marcus leaned in to brush his lips against Joel’s cheek. Joel didn’t stir. He looked peaceful in sleep, all the worry lines smoothed over, his tears long dried. Joel hadn’t slept well for a while, so Marcus would let him rest until dinner, and then cook a decent meal to make sure he ate properly. They’d planned to watch The Frighteners together that evening. It would be a relaxing way to finish a stressful day.
While he drank his coffee, Marcus bent down to pat Nannerl. “You’re hungry, aren’t you?” She’d snuggled into Joel on the other side of the bed, but followed Marcus out to the kitchen once he’d got out of bed. He wouldn’t be surprised if she went back to Joel once he’d fed her.
Sure enough, once she’d eaten, she brushed up against him for another pat and then disappeared in the direction of the bedroom.
The drizzle outside had vanished, the earlier gray sky returning to blue. The temperature had dropped a little, but not enough to warrant a sweater. Although Marcus had intended to tackle the lawns, the rain would have made the grass too damp. However, it was the perfect weather for gardening, and pulling weeds would give him the chance to think without the risk of disturbing Joel with the noise of the mower.
He’d hated seeing Joel so upset.
Marcus stabbed at a particularly stubborn groundsel stem, digging around its roots until he was able to free it from the ground. Joel’s miniature roses were tangled up in weeds, but that didn’t stop the hardy little things from growing. Marcus sat back in a crouch and took a moment to breathe in their scent.
Shit, he wished he could fix this situation with Joel and his dad. Joel was right. Twenty years wasn’t something easily sorted out, and it would only get worse if they kept going the way they were. Joel wasn’t just upset by his father’s illness; he missed the relationship they’d once had and worried his final memories of his father would be of his disapproval and anger.
How could someone turn their back on Joel? The guy cared about everyone he felt responsible for, maybe a bit too much. Marcus wasn’t stupid. He’d realized very quickly why Joel worked so hard. He wanted everything to be as good as it could be, not just for himself, but for the kids he taught. Yet, for a guy who took on responsibility for so much, he’d run from the one thing he never should have.
Marcus sighed. Hindsight was twenty-twenty, and besides, he wasn’t exactly one to talk. His relationship with Garth showed that loud and clear. The trouble with letting something slide for so long was that it made it next to impossible to backtrack and fix it later.
Not that this situation was Joel’s fault. While Marcus could see Jill’s concern for her husband and son, she’d left it almost too late. Marcus wasn’t sure he would have been brave enough to do what Jill was attempting. She could clearly see the wall between father and son, but like them, didn’t know how to dismantle it.
Perhaps Claude Ashcroft, like Joel, felt he couldn’t take the first step either. Even if he’d now realized he’d made a mistake, admitting that and doing something about it were very different things.
“Hello, dear,” Mavis called to Marcus from over the fence. She wore a look of concern, so he hoped she hadn’t been calling him for a while.
He stood and walked over to her. “Good afternoon, Mavis. I hope you’re keeping well.”
“Oh, very well, dear, and thank you for the great job you’re doing with my lawns. I’ve told a few friends about you and given them your contact details. I hope that’s okay.”
“That’s fine, and thank you. I appreciate it.” Marcus glanced down when he felt Nannerl rub against him. Once he’d noticed her, she sat down next to his gardening tools and started washing herself. He frowned. Why wasn’t she still with Joel?
In answer to his question, he heard piano music coming from the house. Joel must have woken. Marcus recognized the prelude Joel was playing for the concert. So much for Joel taking the afternoon off, although he had said a few times that he found it relaxing to play and it helped to get rid of any tension he was feeling.
“Joel’s very good, isn’t he?” Mavis asked, yet it sounded more like a statement than a question. “I often hear him playing when I’m in my garden, although I haven’t for a few months. I had hoped I’d missed it because I’d been out rather than he’d given up. Talent like that should be nurtured, don’t you think?”
“Yes. He is very good.” Marcus glanced at his watch. He’d been gardening for an hour, his thoughts distracting him for a good amount of that time. Good thing he did a lot of this kind of work on autopilot. Nevertheless he double-checked to make sure he hadn’t targeted anything that wasn’t a weed. He stood back to take a better look and smiled, satisfied with a job well done.
“You’ve been working hard.” Mavis nodded approvingly. “If I get to the point where I can’t do my own gardening, I’ll keep you in mind.”
“Thanks.” Marcus didn’t want to get into a discussion about how what he’d done that afternoon was something he’d wanted to do for himself—and for Joel. “I should probably head inside. It’s been nice talking with you again.”
“Thanks. I’d hoped to catch you at some point so I could thank you for your work in person.” Mavis handed him a small basket. “I’ve made some muffins and thought you and Joel might enjoy some.”
“Thank you, that’s very kind of you.” Marcus was surprised by her generosity.
Mavis smiled. “It’s the neighborly thing to do. I’ve kept an eye
on Joel for some time now, as he does work so very hard.” She lowered her voice. “It’s lovely seeing the two of you together and knowing he’s got someone like you looking out for him when he gets caught up in things and works too hard. Sometimes you have to help people who don’t help themselves, you know?”
Marcus wasn’t sure how to reply to that. Joel hadn’t been kidding when he’d said that Mavis knew everything that went on in their neighborhood. “Thanks,” he said again. “When is the best time to return the basket?”
“Oh, just leave it on my front doorstep. Goodness me, it is late. I’d better go fix dinner. Bye, Marcus.”
“WHAT’S up?” Darin glanced out from under the bonnet of the car he was working on. After one look at Marcus, Darin wiped his grease-covered hands on an old towel and gestured toward his office. “We can talk in here where it’s more private. Time I took a break anyway.”
“That obvious, huh?” Marcus hadn’t had the chance to say more than hello before Darin had presumed something was on his mind.
“Yeah, just a bit. You’ve got that look Ella gets when she wants to talk about something she really doesn’t want to talk about.” Darin poured them both a coffee, handed one to Marcus, and took a seat on one of the office chairs.
Darin’s workshop wasn’t as big as others Marcus had seen, but since Darin had bought the garage, he’d built up a decent-size customer base. His reputation as a motor mechanic who provided excellent service at reasonable prices had spread quickly. A couple of years ago, he’d bought the storage facility next door and converted it into more work space. He’d also hired another mechanic and taken on an apprentice.
Marcus pulled the other chair closer to Darin so he wouldn’t have to raise his voice to be heard. “Have you ever met Joel’s father?”
“Yeah, but I haven’t seen him since he and Joel stopped talking. Why? Did something happen?”