by Anne Barwell
“No, but that’s the problem.” Marcus sipped his coffee while he collected his thoughts. “Joel’s dad isn’t in the best of health, but neither he nor Joel will back down and make the first move to mend their relationship.”
“That’s not surprising.” Darin stirred another sugar into his coffee. “There’s nearly twenty years of history there. Have you tried talking to Joel about it?”
“He’s talked to me about it, but….” Marcus sighed. He wasn’t in a hurry to see Joel so upset again, although he suspected if something happened to Claude, Joel would never forgive himself.
“He has?” Darin raised an eyebrow. “He never talks to anyone about that shit. Not even me. ” Darin licked coffee off his spoon and then blew on his cup to cool it down. “So… I’m not sure I can do anything. I’ve suggested Joel talk to his dad before now too, and after the first few times I gave up. Joel’s more like his dad than he wants to admit.”
“He’s not—” Marcus started to protest.
“Obviously I don’t mean in everything.” Darin gave him a seriously? look. “They’re both stubborn as hell. Claude always struck me as a decent kind of guy. I was shocked when he and Joel fell out. I’d thought he’d be more understanding, and he always seemed to dote on Joel. The two of them had a good relationship before then.”
“Do you think there’s a chance he might come round, then?”
“He might, but I wouldn’t guarantee it, and he’s the one who owes Joel an apology, which doesn’t help.” Darin looked thoughtful. “Of course the problem there is that nothing’s going to happen while the two of them keep avoiding each other.”
“Joel’s mum asked him to talk to his dad.”
Darin raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? She’s actually admitting there’s a problem? Jill’s a nice lady, but she’d run a mile to avoid conflict. She must be really worried even to mention it.”
“I think so too. I suspect Joel wants to fix the relationship, but….” Although Marcus was talking to Darin about this stuff, he didn’t want to say too much. If Joel wanted Darin to know the details, he’d talk to him about it himself.
“He’s scared his dad will reject him again?” Darin guessed what Marcus hadn’t said.
“I would be if I were him,” Marcus said cautiously, not wanting to confirm or deny it. He took a deep breath. “I’m wondering…. Neither of them is going to make the first step, and if his dad’s health takes a turn for the worse before…. What do you think about me going to talk to Claude?”
Darin let out a low whistle. “It might work,” he said, “but Joel’s not going to be happy if he finds out. Do you want to take that risk?”
“If I tell him I’m going to do it, he’ll ask me not to. We’re finally getting to the point of trusting each other with the stuff that really matters, and I don’t want to screw that up.” Marcus drained his coffee and wrapped his fingers around his cup. “But I can’t help thinking he needs this sorted. It’s eating him inside, and if something happened and I could have done something to help….”
“You really care about Joel, don’t you?” Darin studied Marcus so intently he felt like squirming in his seat. “I mean, really care about him. This is more than just friendship and great sex, isn’t it? I know how difficult you find it to talk to anyone about the stuff that really matters, and aside from that, it takes a lot of courage to approach someone you don’t know.”
“I… I’m in love with him.” Marcus blew out a loud breath. It was the first time he’d said the words aloud to anyone, including himself.
“For what it’s worth, I think it’s mutual, but I’m guessing he probably hasn’t told you either.”
Marcus shrugged. “We both have a not-so-great history with relationships. I wanted to take this slow, but it hasn’t exactly worked out that way.”
“I noticed.” Darin put his empty coffee cup down on top of a pile of coffee-ringed papers. “I figured you’re both old enough to know what you want, and why be lonely when you’ve found someone you want to be with?”
“Right.” Marcus had told himself the same thing several times over. “Thing is, though, even if he does love me, is it enough to save what we have when he finds out I’ve talked to Claude?”
“Sometimes what you need isn’t what you want,” Darin said slowly. “Have you talked to Ella about this? It’s not me you usually have these kinds of conversations with.”
“I figured you knew Joel better.” Marcus stared at the calendar on the wall behind Darin. May’s classic car reminded him of the older James Bond movies he’d seen as a kid.
“You know about Reed, right?” Darin asked. “That guy had a tendency to plan everything for both of them and expected Joel to just go along with it.”
“Yeah, I know about Reed,” Marcus said cautiously. He wasn’t sure how much Joel had told Darin about why they’d split up. “I’m not Reed,” he said firmly.
“I know you’re not. Reed was an arsehole,” Darin said. “I was never sure what Joel saw in the guy, but he seemed happy, so I let it go. If I saw him again, though, I’d tell him what I think.”
“My priority is Joel. I don’t want to talk to his dad. In fact I’d prefer not to.” Marcus wasn’t sure what he should do now.
“If you’re still not sure, that’s probably a sign you shouldn’t, at least not yet,” Darin said. “But if that changes, for whatever reason, I say go for it. Otherwise you’re going to have to pick up the pieces for Joel after everything goes to hell if something happens to his father.”
“I’ll think on it. Thanks.” Marcus turned at the knock at the door.
“Darin, you got a minute?” One of the mechanics—his name tag said Larry—opened the door and poked his head around it. “I need you to talk to a customer.”
“The Subaru?” Darin asked. He sighed when Larry nodded. “Figures. Thanks, I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Thanks for listening.” Marcus stood.
“Hope it helped, and you’re welcome to drop by anytime.” Darin retrieved a clipboard from a hook on the wall by his desk. “Whatever you decide, I’ll support you, okay?” A loud male voice yelled something nearby. Darin winced. “I need to go. Catch you later.” He grinned. “Good to see Joel’s got someone else looking out for him.”
“Always,” Marcus said, standing back to let Darin out of the small room. While talking to Darin had helped, Marcus still wasn’t sure what he should do.
He hoped time would tell.
Chapter Eleven
MARCUS was surprised to see Toni, Nancy’s wife, slide into the empty spot on the sofa. “Another beer, or are you the designated driver tonight?” she asked.
Joel had taken to crossing off dates on his calendar. The closer he got to the concert—four weeks to go and counting—the more he buried himself in work. Marcus had been surprised, and pleased, when Joel had decided he couldn’t miss his friend’s birthday party, and it was about time he took a night off.
“We’re calling a taxi to take us home at the end of the evening,” Marcus said. “How’s it going? I thought you’d be the center of the party, as it’s your birthday.”
Joel had introduced Marcus to everyone when they’d arrived, then someone Joel knew greeted him with a hug and the conversation had quickly moved on to something about music. Marcus suspected it wasn’t really that complex, but after only recognizing every other word, if that, he’d given up trying to follow whatever it was they were talking about. Finally, he’d brushed Joel lightly on the shoulder, mouthed something about getting a beer, and left them to it.
While everyone was friendly enough, they weren’t a group Marcus would have normally mixed with. He was quite content, though, watching the proceedings from his spot on the sofa. Joel sounded happy, and he kept glancing at Marcus to make sure he was all right before he finally started to unwind and enjoy catching up with people he’d obviously known for some time.
The atmosphere felt comfortable and relaxed. Men and women sat or stood in small groups around the
living room, with some spilling out into the adjoining kitchen and hallway. The house was an older one, yet well maintained, the walls decorated with photographs and paintings of local scenery and musicians. A piano stood in one corner, the top piled high with sheet music, the bookcase next to it overflowing. Soft background music—jazz rather than classical, Joel had told Marcus with a grin—added to the ambiance.
Joel fit here, and it showed. Marcus felt more like an outsider. He suspected that would change the longer he and Joel were together, although he doubted he’d ever feel quite as at home in the music scene as Joel did. Despite it being Joel’s passion, Marcus didn’t feel the urge to embrace it in the same way. He was content to watch and listen.
“I’m mingling,” Toni said. “I figure as it’s my birthday party, it’s the responsible thing to do.” She took another sip from the wineglass she held. “Besides, I hear the teacher gossip all day, so I wanted a rest from it. I’m glad you came with Joel. I wanted to meet you, especially after Nancy told me you’d been coming to a lot of Joel’s rehearsals.”
“I noticed a lot of people here are teachers, musicians, or both.” Marcus had never been one for social mingling and the only people he knew at the party were Joel and Nancy. Joel had told him that Nancy had painted several of the artworks he’d admired when they’d arrived. Her true passion was her art—and her wife—and she referred to her work at the school office as her “day job.”
“I hope we’re not too scary.” Toni smiled, although Marcus hadn’t taken her comment seriously.
“Terribly,” he said, deadpan. “I must admit I was curious about Joel’s other friends, and he could do with a break from work. Nancy’s invitation came at just the right time.”
“A lot of people still don’t get that teachers work long hours, not just the time spent in front of the kids in the classroom.” Toni wrinkled her nose, and Marcus couldn’t help but laugh. She and Joel had been friends for a long time, and Marcus could see why. She had a contagious bubbly personality. “Five years until I retire. It’s going to be weird, as teaching has been a part of my life for so long. I love it, though.”
“You’ll still continue conducting the kids’ orchestra?” Marcus asked. Joel had mentioned she’d helped him out by sourcing some of the music for the upcoming concert.
“Yeah. I’ll be able to enjoy it more without having to squeeze it in amongst everything else.” Toni caught Nancy’s eye from across the room and gave her wife a wink. “More time for jazz gigs too. Sometimes I get to the end of the week and fall over, or I would, if I didn’t have Nancy to hold me up.” She balanced her glass on the arm of the sofa. “I was pleased when I heard Joel had found someone. He looks happier than he has in a long time, although it’s been five years since he and Reed split up. You’re better for him than Reed was. I was happy when Joel finally put his foot down and refused to go to Australia with him. That guy had got his own way for far too long. I was worried that Joel would lose himself if they stayed together.”
“I’m happy with him too,” Marcus said. The more he heard about Reed, the less he liked the guy and the way he’d treated Joel.
Joel laughed at something Nancy said to him, and glanced over at Marcus. Marcus smiled. Joel ducked his head and blushed. Nancy giggled.
Toni gave Nancy a thumbs-up. “My Nancy likes to tease, and Joel has always blushed very well.”
“Umm, yes, he….” Marcus thought about how sexy Joel looked when that blush covered his entire body and stopped himself just in time.
Toni laughed. “I get it. And for the record, you do as well.” She sounded delighted. “Nancy will be pleased.”
“Hey,” said Marcus.
“Just joking,” Toni reassured him. “I think I’m needed. Do you want me to send someone over to keep you company? Some people here need to be reminded not to talk shop.” She collected her glass and skipped across the room, only stopping when a younger man caught her elbow.
Marcus started to tell her he was fine, but she’d already gone. A couple of moments later, Joel weaved his way through the other partygoers and headed Marcus’s way.
“Enjoying the party?” Joel sat down beside Marcus and kissed him on the cheek. He smelled like beer and the aftershave he’d sprinkled on liberally before they left home. Marcus wouldn’t have thought the two scents would work together, but when he leaned in and kissed Joel properly, his overriding sense of Joel drowned out anything else.
“Yeah. Toni’s nice.” Marcus shuffled over so Joel could snuggle in properly. Joel seemed relaxed tonight and happy to be close. “Looks like you’re doing a fair bit of catching up.”
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen some of this crowd. We don’t meet that often, but when we do, it’s like no time has passed since the last time.” Joel slipped his hand into Marcus’s. “I went to uni with a few of them while others joined our group along the way, like Toni and Nancy.”
“You look like you fit here.” Marcus caressed Joel’s hand with his thumb.
Laugher accompanied a flurry of activity in the far corner. Someone turned the music off, and Marcus heard the sound of a violin being tuned. The man who had talked to Toni earlier started to play a slow waltz. He was soon joined by Toni on the flute, and another man on the piano.
Couples took to the floor and started to dance. Joel turned to Marcus. “Do you want to dance?”
“Sure.” Marcus let Joel pull him to his feet and then wrapped his arms around Joel’s waist. Joel leaned into him, and they began moving in time with the music. He heard Joel singing softly along with it, and Marcus smiled, kissing the top of Joel’s head.
Time seemed to slow as they danced together, and Marcus’s universe shrank to just him and Joel. Having Joel in his arms felt so right, and already he couldn’t imagine a life without Joel in it.
“I love you,” Joel murmured. He met Marcus’s gaze when Marcus stilled and leaned his forehead against Joel’s. “Come home with me tonight,” Joel said. He brushed his fingers against Marcus’s cheek. “Not just for tonight, I mean. Move in with me.”
Marcus’s mouth felt dry. “I love you too,” he whispered, “and yes, please. I’d like that. A lot.”
JOEL reached for the phone, half asleep. He sat bolt upright when he heard his sister’s voice. “Bernie?” he asked. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s Dad.” Bernie was crying. “He’s gone. You’re too late. I’m sorry. You’re too late.”
“What?” Joel’s heart sped up. His skin felt clammy. “Too… late?”
“Too late.” A man stood in the shadows by the curtains, an indistinct shape just out of reach.
“Dad?” Joel pushed back the bedclothes and struggled to his feet. “Dad?” He glanced over to where he’d heard his father’s voice, but there wasn’t anything there. “Dad!”
“Joel, wake up.” Marcus sounded worried. “Joel!”
Joel took another step toward where he’d been sure his father had stood, torn between the man he sought and one who now held him. “Let go,” he yelled. “Let go.”
Then suddenly he was still in bed and in Marcus’s arms. But how? What?
Joel shivered. “Marcus?”
“You had a bad dream.” Marcus held Joel as though he never wanted to let go. “You… you were calling for your father.”
“Yeah.” Joel wrapped himself around Marcus. “A bad dream. I guess that was it.” He frowned. “My phone….”
Marcus relaxed his grip enough to lean over Joel to grab his phone off the bedside table. “No calls or texts. It’s fine.” He showed Joel the phone and then returned it to the table. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I….” Joel had been waking at night for weeks now, grasping at dreams that slipped through his fingers too quickly to know what they’d been about. Had they been about his father too?
But why today? He had been so happy that evening. He and Marcus had sat up late making plans for moving in together, and Marcus had repeated the words—I love you—wh
en they’d made love before drifting off to sleep in each other’s arms.
“Why don’t I make us some tea? We can talk for a bit before we go back to sleep,” Marcus suggested.
“Okay. Sorry I woke you.”
“Don’t ever apologize for that. Stay here and keep warm. I won’t be long.” Marcus pulled on his pajama bottoms and sweatshirt and headed out the bedroom door.
Less than a moment after he’d gone, Nannerl ran into the room and jumped onto the bed. She strode over to Joel and head butted him, demanding attention. Usually she slept on the bed between them, but tonight she’d stayed in her spot in front of the still-warm heater when they’d gone to bed. She always seemed to know when Joel was upset. He stroked her soft fur and felt himself start to calm, although he couldn’t help but glance across the room at the shadows in the corner.
He switched on the bedside lamp. It didn’t banish the memories of what he’d seen or rid the room of its shadows.
It had been just a dream, hadn’t it?
Joel shivered and shuffled onto Marcus’s side of the bed. The sheets still felt warm. Not only that, but they smelled of him. The sense of Marcus’s presence made him feel safe. Joel laid his head on Marcus’s pillow and breathed in deeply.
I love you. Marcus’s words replayed in Joel’s mind. He clung to them, taking refuge in the knowledge that Marcus truly cared for him and wouldn’t throw the sentiment away later.
His dream wasn’t real. He’d talk to Marcus and confront it for the illusion it was.
“Do you want to keep my pillow?” Marcus asked when Joel took the pillow with him as he returned to his side. He gave Joel both mugs of tea to hold while he climbed into bed.
“No, it’s fine. You can have it back.” Joel didn’t need it now that Marcus was there. He waited until Marcus was comfortable and propped up on the returned pillow, and then handed him his tea.
Marcus sipped his tea and waited for Joel to speak.
Nannerl glared at the human who had usurped her spot and retreated to the end of the bed to keep a close eye on both of them.