I Know Your Every Move

by Diane Ezzard

  I had suspected she’d been having an affair for some time. All the telltale signs had been there, nights out with her girlfriends, getting her hair done and looking glamorous when she went out. I shouldn’t have been shocked by what I read as she had been threatening to leave but I was utterly devastated. I suppose I never thought she would do it. For all her faults, I loved my mum, and it broke my heart to think she wouldn’t be there for me anymore. I began to sob uncontrollably.

  I sealed the letter back up. I couldn’t bear to think about the impact it would have on my dad. He loved her unconditionally, and I knew he would have done anything to save the marriage but that was probably where he had gone wrong. He was too soft. I also had this feeling of dread inside that I may have prompted her to go, with the added stress I had brought on the family. Even though alarm bells were ringing, it still came as a shock to us to find out she’d absconded with her driving instructor, Norman. Dad was mortified. It made him ill. He came out in a nerve rash. I felt so sorry for him because, for all their differences, I knew he loved Mum.

  Life didn’t get any easier after Mum left. On one occasion when Jay phoned, I mistakenly told him what happened with Mum, trying to appeal to his better nature. I looked for sympathy but all I got after that were taunts about it and it hurt. At every opportunity, he sang to me the song, Where’s Your Mamma Gone? I could bear the physical beating much more than the mental abuse I got from him.

  I felt if I were to rid him from my life, I needed to change my situation completely and that meant changing my job and my address. At the moment I didn’t want to leave Dad. He wasn’t in a good place. Everything that happened was having an effect on his physical health.

  I did decide to look for another job though. I hadn’t been happy where I was for a long time. One of the reasons I stayed as long as I did was down to Nick’s encouragement and support with my studies. He was the same grade as Jasmine and although I didn’t have much contact with him at work, he was also doing the same course as me. A few of us set up a revision circle and from there, I met his wife Angela. We used to have study nights that often turned into drinking sessions. Occasionally, I stayed the night at their home. It had been worthwhile because I managed to get good grades that year.

  Angela and I hit it off straight away. I loved her sense of humour. I started phoning her to discuss things, and it was her who first put the idea of looking for another job into my head.

  “Why don’t you try our place in Salford?” she said. “We have an accounts department and I’m sure you’d fit in better there.” So the pair of us kept our eyes peeled for any vacancies.

  At Freedman’s, I didn’t think they liked the fact my domestic situation encroached on my work life. As Jay was often to be seen outside the office, everyone was talking about it and I didn’t like that. I felt like a square peg in a round hole there. I always felt like that. There was only Becky to turn to, but she was also looking for another job. Also, I had been given a warning about my sick absence. I resented that because I had been genuinely ill and in hospital. I used to think, how would they deal with it if they had an evil psychopath to cope with? So I made my mind up to leave. It didn’t take me long to find another job.

  I managed to secure a position at Angela’s company in Salford Quays which was more money and more responsibility. It took me away from Jay’s stomping ground in the centre of Manchester.

  I had been given an olive branch with my new job. I really enjoyed it. The culture was so different from my first place. I walked into the canteen on my first morning break. The smell of fried eggs and bacon with slightly burnt toast was pure heaven. I couldn’t resist getting something to eat, even though I’d already had breakfast. I ordered a toasted teacake. I spotted a table where a few of my colleagues were sitting and approached them, tray in hand.

  “Mind if I join you?” I pulled out a chair and looked around. Angela gazed up at me, and with a mouthful of food, beckoned me to sit down.

  “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, Sophie. They’ve all got hangovers and it might be catching. Wouldn’t want them leading you astray,” she laughed. She was busy tucking into the popular jumbo breakfast and it was easy to see how she got her ample frame, the way she enjoyed her food. I sat next to Fiona and opposite Matt, who spoke first.

  “Hi Sophie, how are you settling in?” He held his toasted bacon sandwich with both hands then took a bite.

  “Yeah, good thanks, everyone seems very kind,” I said stirring my tea.

  “So which of the guys have you got your eye on?” Fiona grinned at me.

  Angela spluttered, “Give her a chance, she’s only just started.”

  “Oh, I’m not in the market for anyone. I had enough grief from my last boyfriend.”

  “There’s no harm in looking, though. There’s some serious eye candy in your department.” Fiona said. Angela took a swig of her coffee.

  “What about your boss Simon? You’ve got to admit he’s a real hunk,” Fiona interjected playfully. I went bright red. I wriggled in my seat and wished I had sat somewhere else.

  “They all seem nice guys,” I said, taking a bite of my teacake. Fiona rose from her chair, stacking the crockery onto her tray.

  “Well, I hope you like a drink. Our Friday nights out with the lads are legendary throughout the company, not least because of the massive hangovers. Those guys know how to enjoy themselves.” I smiled to myself. This was my kind of place.

  As the months passed, I started to feel a little safer as now there were odd days when I didn’t hear from Jay. I hoped and prayed he was getting fed up or even better that he had met someone else. I bumped into Jay’s brother-in-law, Martin a couple of times. At first, I felt panicky when I saw him. I was convinced he was going to tell Jay my whereabouts. After talking to him for a while, I realised he was on my side. He was sympathetic about what was happening to me and he described Jay as a nutter and said he couldn’t understand what I had ever seen in him.

  I questioned myself a lot about this but looking back Jay was someone who had shown me a lot of attention and I wanted to look after him. I enjoyed my maternal role, but it hadn’t done me any favours, trying to save someone from themselves. I was in a pub in Whitefield once when Martin and a friend walked in. I felt nervous and didn’t trust him completely. He never gave me any reason to doubt him though, and he offered me support regarding Jay.

  “I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you, Sophie,” Martin said.

  “Go on, I’ll have the good news first.”

  “Jay’s seeing someone new.” I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought now my troubles would be over.

  “That’s great news. Well, maybe not for her though,” I laughed. Martin looked at me, shaking his head.

  “I’m sorry Sophie; I don’t think it’s going to be that easy getting rid of him. I hear his girlfriend is cheesed off with Jay as all he does is talk about you.”

  “Oh, so that’s the bad news, is it,” I said despondently.

  Luckily for me, the times I saw or heard from Jay weren’t as frequent. I had never been shopping on my own since we split up and the troubles had started. I now felt confident enough to try a trip into Manchester. My dad felt nervous and asked me to keep in touch to let him know I was okay. I felt like a young teenager going out for the first time but it didn’t bother me about being checked up on if it gave Dad peace of mind. Dad was worried about me. I went into Manchester and was pleased with myself. I’d bought a new blue dress. It was navy, with white flowers on and a full skirt that made you want to twirl round in it. I hardly ever wore dresses, but I fell in love with it when I saw it and, when I tried it on, it made me feel and look good.

  I walked along Tib Street, taking a shortcut to the Arndale bus station, swinging my shopping bag, feeling better than I had in a long time. Next thing I knew, I had been lifted into the air, my bag flying high and Jay was there, dragging me into a phone box. The bag with my new dress in was scattered outside. He shout
ed at me to give him my mobile and I obediently obliged. He pushed me to the ground, then threw my phone down on the floor and stamped on it.

  “You won’t be needing that,” he cried. He kicked me against the side of the glass then smashed up the public phone in the kiosk. I shook with fear. I was apprehensive about what he might do next.

  Thankfully, he went outside the phone box. I sat on the ground inside the booth looking up at him. He was there peering menacingly down at me, with his full weight against the door so I couldn’t get out and he started shouting abuse. He was in a rage and I was so scared. I hoped that someone would walk by so Jay would stop but time went on and no one appeared. His rants continued, and I took satisfaction from the fact that at least he wasn’t hitting me. Jay was oblivious to anything around him. Hours passed. I prayed he would get fed up soon like I was. I sat there miserably listening to him raging. I tried to switch off from him but then only got worried about what my dad would be thinking. I became despondent. I didn’t know the time, but I had been there an age and I realised Dad would be getting concerned about me. I pleaded with Jay to let me out. I told him Dad wasn’t well, but he just laughed at that.

  I began to cry, and he got mad. He was like a demonic being.

  “You’ll never be rid of me, Sophie, for what you’ve done to me. I won’t settle until you’re dead, you bitch.” I tried to ignore his shouting, but he came out with a torrent of abusive language. Together with an occasional kick or thump on the glass, he was frightening me. The unpredictability of the situation scared me. I didn’t know what he was capable of but if it was anything like he threatened, then I had every right to be afraid.

  I had no idea how long I had been there for but it seemed like forever and the sky was now starting to go dark. I wondered how long he could keep me locked in a phone box as a prisoner like this. Amazingly, no one that did walk by seemed interested in what was going on. My saving grace came when it began to rain and not just rain, the heavens opened. The thunder rumbled, and the lightning flashed across the sky, followed by a heavy downpour of rain.

  By now, Jay had thankfully had enough himself and he disappeared. I waited a while after he had gone to be sure he wasn’t lurking about. I slowly opened the door. A middle-aged man was standing outside and took the door, wanting to use the phone.

  “I’m sorry, the phone’s not working. It’s been vandalised,” I told him. He gave me a look of disgust as though I had done it. I brushed past him looking for my shopping bag. It had blown into the road. I tried to salvage the dress but with the mud and tyres having ripped it, the garment was ruined. I felt so miserable. I couldn’t phone home so I trudged through the streets to the bus station. When I found out the time, I realised he had kept me in the phone box for over five hours. Who does that to a person, I thought? I felt beaten both mentally and physically.

  My dad was relieved to see me when I got in. As was becoming a habit now he ran me a nice hot bath and made me a cup of tea. That was his way of showing he cared, just being there for me but I felt such a burden to him.

  Three months later, I found another flat and moved out. Dad was in agreement with me and we both thought it was the only way to be totally rid of Jay. My new place wasn’t too far away from Dad’s but far enough for me to feel safe. By some miracle, I didn’t hear from Jay again. I had needed to change everything about my life apart from my name to get some peace but it was worth it. It had taken twelve months of constant torture and harassment but it appeared to have come to an end.

  Chapter Twelve

  NOW

  My muscles ached from yesterday’s run. I’d been pushing myself harder than usual. I checked my reflection in the mirror before I left for work and tutted in disgust. Lack of sleep had produced dark circles around my eyes. Fear was creeping back in my life and I didn’t have any control over it.

  The day ahead looked promising. I was seeing Cassie, one of my clients, for a coffee later that day. When she first started coming for therapy, the first thing I noticed was her eyes but instead of seeing their beauty, I saw that they lacked sparkle. I could only wonder about the sadness behind them. I initially welcomed her into the counselling room and when she sat down, I tried to lighten the atmosphere.

  I said, “It’s raining cats and dogs outside. Did you come by boat?”

  Cassie didn’t respond. Her eyes were dead. I realised it wasn’t the best joke in the world but it was obvious she wasn’t in the mood for any light-hearted banter. I expected some sort of response but got nothing. I saw no fun or laughter behind her glamorous exterior and in that moment felt a strong desire to help her. She had been referred for treatment after self-harming. Her notes said she had slashed her wrists quite badly. It had been a serious attempt to take her life.

  At our introductory session, I went through the information I had on her, checking everything was in order. I came to the section that gave me details about why she had been referred and read out the notes. I went cold when I recalled the first words she said to me, words I found myself playing over and over again in my head when lying in bed at night trying to get off to sleep.

  “So Cassie, it says here you cut your wrists in a suicide attempt.” I glanced up from the sheet of paper.

  “No, I didn’t want to die, I just couldn’t see any other way out,” she said, looking down at her hands. They were shaking. Cassie didn’t say anything else for some time.

  Looking at her appearance, with shoulder-length blonde hair that waved naturally and cobalt blue eyes, she looked innocent. She was a very attractive girl who on the surface seemed naive to worldly affairs. However, that was far from the truth. Underneath her timid exterior, I found out she was streetwise and would often use that to her advantage.

  It was common for clients to sit quietly without opening up but Cassie sat not speaking for longer than most. Sitting on her hands one minute, playing with her hair the next, she fidgeted in her seat. She searched around the room.

  “This is a safe environment, Cassie.” No response.

  “Anything you say to me will be treated confidentially.” Still, no response but I got a glimmer of hope as her eyes met mine. She searched my face, looking reticent.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say anything that’s on your mind.” She opened her mouth then closed it. Slowly Cassie began to speak

  “I didn’t grow up in this area. We moved a lot when I was small. Dad often changed his job, so we were always going to new schools. I didn’t find it easy to make new friends. Mum didn’t work. Her purpose in life was to bring up me and Laura, my older sister. She became over protective towards us. I understood why but it didn’t make it any easier.” Cassie paused and thought.

  “So you understood why your mother became over protective?” I responded, nodding. Cassie looked at me again.

  “Yes, she lost her first child through cot death and I think that really affected her. We were never allowed to play out the same as other kids were and when we got older we weren’t allowed to go to friend’s houses or join in things. So, Laura and I had to play together a lot of the time but Laura resented that, being three years older than me.” She talked more about her childhood and her domineering mother but when I asked if she wanted to say any more about her recent suicide attempt, she clammed up again.

  I saw that she was traumatised about something and deeply troubled. Towards the end of our session together, I pointed out that I’d noticed she kept glancing up at the clock.

  “Have you got somewhere else you need to be?” I asked.

  “He doesn’t know I’m here.”

  “Oh, I see. Is that your partner?” I asked and Cassie just nodded and confirmed she needed to leave. We made arrangements for Cassie to come back the following week.

  Before parting company, I clasped Cassie’s hands in mine and said, “It’s going to be okay.” Cassie just stared back blankly. The next week she didn’t arrive for her appointment so I phoned her to see if she had forgotten a
bout it and to check she was all right. At first, she didn’t pick the phone up, but I tried again, which I don’t always do with clients as it’s their choice whether they come for therapy but after the third attempt, I heaved a sigh of relief as I heard the click as the phone was picked up and Cassie nervously coughed in the background. Cassie sounded distant on the other end of the phone. She apologised and said the appointment slipped her mind.

  Silently tutting inside, I said, “Do you want to re-arrange your appointment or maybe meet for coffee?” I knew I was stepping outside the normal office protocol suggesting meeting for coffee but this girl had touched me and if she was afraid to be seen at the counselling centre, then I thought this may be a better option for her. Cassie’s voice trembled slightly. It sounded to me as though she had been crying.

  “I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. I might be able to manage a quick coffee,” she volunteered. So that was how we agreed to get together the next day. It was a shame she didn’t want to meet in the women’s centre because it was a safe place for females, many of whom experienced domestic violence and other forms of abuse at the hands of both partners and family members. No men were allowed on the premises unsupervised. The only men who came in were at the centre for a purpose, such as a plumber, for instance.

  Cassie and I met in a little coffee shop down one of the side streets in Bury. We sat in silence for some time. I searched for the right thing to say.

  “I’ve just downloaded the latest Bruno Mars album. Do you like him, Cassie?

  She nodded. Moving her chair, it bashed into my carrier bag.

  “Sorry, I’ll just move the bag.” I moved the bag nearer my seat.

  “I’ve just been getting cat litter for my little kitten, Max. Do you have any pets?”

  “No,” she said.

  Looking around the cafe, I said, “It’s nice in here isn’t it?”