by Trina Solet
A little later Ken strolled into the office. He had texted demanding to be taken to lunch. He had even given Phillip permission to bring Leon. Phillip already told Ken he was too busy. Now here he was.
Needless to say, Leon wasn't pleased to see him. Watching Ken walk past his desk and into the inner office, Leon shot him a look that was pure, cold-blooded murder.
"I'll just close this door," Ken said to taunt Leon.
"Don't you dare," Phillip warned him.
"I guess I can leave it open since I'm here to kidnap you," Ken said.
"I told you I didn't have time for lunch," Phillip reminded him. "That means I don't have time for kidnapping either."
"Jerk," Ken said then he lingered and poked around his office. "So what's with the gloom and doom?" He finally asked turning to Phillip. He had a look on his face that challenged Phillip to just try and bullshit him.
There was no way in hell Phillip could tell him what was on his mind, but he had to give him something. Instead of mentioning Leon, he told him the other issue that was weighing on him. "I was talking to Ant about his mother." Phillip opened a desk drawer and pulled out a copy of a photo that Lilly had given him for Ant. It was Ant with his mother, both of them smiling.
Ken looked at the picture critically then delivered his verdict. "At least she was pretty."
Phillip nodded. "Ant was telling me about her. I don't think he remembers his mother very clearly. I already knew that she came and went, stayed only for a few days. Thank God Lilly was willing to raise Ant."
"That kid had no luck until you came along," Ken said and dropped into a chair on the other side of Phillip's desk.
"It could have been worse." Phillip was thinking of Leon's unhappy childhood, but Ken didn't know anything about that.
"Really? His mother abandoned the kid. He lived with an old, sick woman who could hardly take care of herself."
Phillip interrupted him to give Lilly the credit she deserved. "And who loved him and took the best care of him that she could."
Ken shrugged. "OK, but what about Ant's wayward mother. You don't resent her? I mean, she has this picture perfect kid and she ditches him every chance she gets." Ken then listed her crimes. "She kept Tony from his kid, she was an addict, she left Ant all the time. She died on him."
Phillip thought about that last crime. Tony was guilty of that too. "She was who she was," Phillip said, but he was still thinking about Tony and trying not to be angry at him for throwing his life away when he knew Ant was out there waiting for him, needing him.
"So it doesn't bother you that she was such a terrible mother to Ant?" Ken said still pushing Phillip to condemn her.
"It does. But Ant loved her and he means everything to me." Phillip just couldn't hate the woman who brought Ant into this world. Besides, she reminded him of Tony.
Ken then moved on to another topic. "Speaking of parents or whoever, something you need to keep in mind. Legally, you're on shaky ground when it comes to that kid. I'm no lawyer, but you've dated plenty of them so you should know better."
Phillip couldn't really argue with him. He just loved Ant so much, it was hard for him to think of him in terms of any legal issues. That didn't mean he could ignore a potential problem.
"You're right," he said to Ken, but he still continued to scold him.
"It's not like you not to cover all the bases. And you just said I was right. What's wrong with you? You have a fever?" Ken said and reached over his desk to feel his forehead.
Phillip dodged him and then kicked him out of his office.
Great, now Phillip had one more thing on his mind – adopting Ant. It was the best way to give him security. Phillip just couldn't wrap his head around the idea. He tried to tell himself it was the best thing he could do for Ant, but it felt like a betrayal of Tony. He was Ant's father. Taking his place just felt wrong.
As he wrestled with his irrational objection, he saw Leon come into his office and come around his desk. Phillip turned his chair to face him, but Leon pushed his chair back the other way again.
"As you were," he said.
Phillip felt Leon loosen his tie and his collar. Then his hands were on his shoulders, and Phillip shuddered at the contact. He grunted, feeling Leon's grip go all through him. First Phillip leaned forward, nearly in ecstasy, then he leaned back. He opened his eyes and looked up at Leon.
"That feels too good for the workplace."
"I didn't hear word one about stopping," Leon said archly.
"No, you didn't," Phillip said and it came out as a sigh. "I love your hands."
While Leon rubbed his shoulders, Phillip told him what was on his mind. "I know I have to take some legal steps, The obvious solution is for me to adopt Ant."
"I think Ant would love that," Leon said.
"I just don't want to rush in to take the place of the parents he lost," Phillip explained.
"I get it," Leon said. "But someone has to take their place. You shouldn't hesitate to do whatever it takes to give Ant the kind of home he deserves." Leon had to be thinking of the insecurities in his own childhood. His hands on Phillip's shoulders stilled then he asked. "When you were looking for Ant's mother, what did you find out about her, what was she like?"
"I think she was a lot like Tony. She couldn't stay in one place, always on the move, looking for thrills. He was into cars. She was into drugs. Just another kind of vehicle, you could say. Their addictions killed them. The main thing is that she was Ant's mother."
"Don't worry. I'm not going to say anything against her. She gave you Ant. That's what matters," Leon said with understanding. He knew exactly how precious Ant was to Phillip.
Phillip took hold of his hands and kissed them. He was so lucky to have someone so wonderful in his life.
Chapter 40
After last night, Leon wasn't expecting to feel like himself any time soon. Coming into work that morning, he was ready to fake it if he had to. It wasn't too bad though. Being so busy helped, and being around Phillip could cure anything.
Later on in the day, Leon could swear that Phillip was up to something. It was almost time for him to go to pick up Ant when Phillip surprised Leon by coming up behind him. Before he could turn around, Phillip's hands were on his shoulders and he was giving him a massage.
"Returning the favor?" Leon asked with a sigh.
"Something like that," Phillip said. Then after he had Leon melting under the firm pressure of his hands, he revealed what he was really up to. "Please come home with us after work and stay the night."
"You were buttering me up," Leon accused him.
"Yes, I was. So will you? Please." Phillip leaned down to kiss his temple.
Leon furrowed his brow then slumped back in his chair in resignation. He couldn't say no to Phillip. "Let's give it another shot," he said and Phillip looked elated. It didn't seem like a good idea, but he would do anything to make Phillip happy. Now Leon just had to make sure not to ruin their time together.
It all went fine until it was time to go to sleep and Leon found himself back in Phillip's bed. The room was lit by moonlight. Phillip was next to him with Leon's arm draped over his chest. Everything seemed so right, perfect even.
Still, Leon couldn't help but remember what happened the last time he slept in this bed. Everything seemed perfect then too until he had opened his eyes to darkness and screams. And even after Phillip turned on the light, the darkness was still on top of him, inside him, choking him. Phillip called his name and reached out for him cautiously, but Leon flinched away from his touch. Every touch was bad. It was going to hurt.
The sane part of him had tried to remind him that this was Phillip. He was good. He was safe. But that fact filtered in very slowly and only crystallized when Phillip took his hand and didn't let go even as Leon tried to pull away. That firm but gentle grip was so familiar, every cell in his body knew it.
"Phillip." He whispered his name like it was magic.
Seeing the concern and pain on his
face brought Leon back to himself. For Phillip he could get himself under control. Leon hated that he had to see him like that, and there was Ant to think of.
Thank God he had calmed down a little by the time Ant came over to see what all the noise was about. That sweet little guy, he really was amazing, definitely just like his uncle. His first instinct was to reach out and make everything better.
For his sake, tonight Leon wanted to make sure he didn't have another nightmare. That's why he was afraid to go to sleep.
Phillip called him on it. "You're making sure you don't have another nightmare by staying awake."
"You aren't asleep either. I'm just keeping you company," Leon said and snuggled closer to him. "I'm sorry. I know I don't make it easy on you."
Phillip wrapped him in his arms and kissed his hair. "Loving you is easy. It's only hard because I can't erase your pain."
"You have pain of your own. My pain is nothing new," Leon said.
"It's not gone either."
"No. It's become a part of me, I guess. I'm used to it." Years ago Leon left Danning, ran really. But everything that happened there followed him. Every time he went to sleep, he knew this might be another night when he woke up screaming. Then dreams of Phillip took the place of his nightmares. Leon looked at him and saw his concerned expression. "Don't you take on my pain as well as your own," he warned Phillip.
"I can't help it."
"You better," Leon told him sternly. "Keep your eye on the big prize. You might be adopting Ant any day now."
Phillip smiled. "With a little nudge from Ken. That's how all this got started."
"You mean he took a break from badmouthing me and pushed you to go for adoption?" Leon said.
"He didn't mention adoption. Ken isn't very trusting. He wanted me to have something legal and binding so I wouldn't lose Ant. He doesn't believe in taking risks. And until Ant came along, we were on the same page. Now my eyes are open to all sorts of possibilities," he looked at Leon meaningfully.
"Ant is a matchmaking prodigy and he doesn't even know it." Leon smiled then he thought about it. "No wonder Ken doesn't like me. I am kind of a big risk." Leon knew he wasn't exactly a prize with his past and his nightmares.
"I'm the one who can't hold onto a man."
Leon found that unbelievable. "I can't imagine that."
"When I was with Ken, I was miles away, obsessed with finding Tony. I drove him crazy. I'm lucky he's still willing to be my friend."
"Did Ken expect you to give up on your brother?"
"Not exactly, but it was a bad time. I lost track of Tony completely right then. Not hearing from Tony, not knowing where he was, I feared the worst. I wasn't fit to be in a relationship. Eventually Tony turned up in Arizona. He had taken a little trip south of the border." Phillip looked relieved for a second then his expression darkened. His brother was OK then, but it was only a reprieve.
Leon squeezed him tighter. "He kept you on your toes, huh?" he said to pull Phillip away from bad memories.
"He did. I'm surprised Ant isn't more like him," Phillip said. Thoughts of Ant cheered him up right away even if a deep well of sadness remained under his faint smile.
"Give the kid a few years," Leon said as he pictured Ant growing up.
"I don't know. Even at three, Tony was the craziest kid. Always screaming, jumping, breaking something. He was a nonstop headache to our parents."
"Maybe Ant is like you even if you don't have that curly head of hair," Leon suggested as he reached up to muss his hair.
"Me? I don't think so."
"Do you remember yourself at three? Ant might look like your brother, but on the inside he's just like his uncle. He's gentle and good. And kind of lovable," Leon added and gave Phillip a quick kiss.
Phillip denied it shyly. "Doesn't sound like me. Maybe there could only be one Tony, and Ant is simply his own little person. I'm glad about that even if the bad kid is always the most loved," Phillip said. Seeing the odd look Leon gave him, he elaborated, "Franny told me that. 'The good kid is overlooked while the bad kid is the most loved.'"
Leon was skeptical of that, but how would he know. "I was afraid to be bad when I was a kid." Half the time Leon felt like he had to hold his breath so no one would notice that he was alive and punish him for it.
Phillip ran his fingers through Leon's hair. "It was different for us. Tony knew that he could be as bad as he wanted to be, and we would still love him. At least he did when he was a kid. I'm not so sure if he knew it later."
"Of course he did. You never stopped looking for him. You played hide and seek with your brother right up to the end," Leon told him.
"Is that what we were doing?" Phillip asked.
"He knew you were looking for him, didn't he?"
"He did, but he still kept moving, always just out of reach. Once, when we were fighting, Ken pointed out to me, 'Maybe if you stopped chasing him, he would have come back by now. He isn't here because he knows you just want to control him.'"
"Why are you quoting him? You know I think Ken is full of crap," Leon said harshly.
"You're wonderful," Phillip said with a chuckle.
"I don't know. Mostly I'm scared out of my mind," Leon admitted.
"What scares you?"
"Not the stuff that happened in the past. That's over. I'm afraid I'll screw up what I have now." Leon tried to explain. "I never wanted anything as much as I want to be with you. I never want to let you go. But it's like wanting to own a private jet – how can that ever happen?"
"I'm not a private jet. I'm a guy holding you, a guy who loves you," Phillip said and squeezed him harder to let him know this was real.
Leon felt it. He felt every inch of him, and his desire surged in response. He shifted over so he was lying on top of Phillip. "And I'm a guy that's about to kiss you senseless," Leon said as he looked into his eyes. Then he delivered on that promise and he kissed Phillip hard enough to bruise him.
Chapter 41
Once he made his decision, Phillip became preoccupied with what he needed to do about Ant. He had already put in a call to his lawyer and another one who specialized in adoptions. From what they said, the process wouldn't be quick or easy. Before he could do anything else, Phillip had to find out how Lilly felt about it. Without her blessing, he couldn't even think of going forward.
On their next visit to Ivy Gate, Leon and Ant came armed with Lilly's favorite – oatmeal cookies. The scent of fresh baked cookies filled the whole car. Leon and Ant had made them together that morning and made a mess of Phillip's kitchen as well. Not wanting to horn in on their gift, Phillip brought pink and white peonies for Lilly and Bernie.
The day was sunny, and Lilly and Bernie had taken a table by a small clearing. Ant set down the box of cookies in front of them proudly. The cookies were a hit and earned Ant the title of little baker-man.
Since this wasn't just a social visit, Leon and Ant kept Bernie company, and Phillip walked to a shady spot to speak to Lilly. The sun still sneaked down through the branches, but it was much cooler there. Phillip told Lilly his concerns about his legal standing in Ant's life and that he had spoken to a lawyer. It turned out she had already been thinking about the same issues.
"I asked somebody about that sort of thing. Gil, who's a few doors down from us, used to be a lawyer. With me being in poor health so recently, he said I should sign something just in case. God knows what might happen and Ant will need looking after."
"Actually, I was thinking of going beyond that. I want to adopt Ant," Phillip told her.
She looked kind of uncertain about that. "You're his guardian angel," she said after a little while.
"I don't know about that, but I'm happy to do whatever I can for Ant and you, even if you're against me adopting him." Though he tried to prepare himself for disappointment if she said no, Phillip couldn't imagine wanting anything more than this.
"I have to admit I am scared of losing him, that he won't be my Ant any more," Lilly said.
"Of course he will. I would never want to keep you two apart," Phillip assured her.
"I can see the other side of it too. Just for my peace of mind, it would be a good thing to have everything sewn up. And Ant is happy with you. You take good care of him." Taking a deep breath, Lilly straightened, raised her chin and said, "Get your lawyer started on the paperwork. I've made up my mind. You can adopt Ant." Though she couldn't give Ant a home any more, she could tell that he needed one. She was an amazing lady.
For a moment Phillip was overcome. Once he was able to speak, he told her a heartfelt "Thank you."
"I'm doing it for Ant. And I think Joan would be all right with it too. My poor Joan. I never imagined that such a wild girl could bring into this world a sweet and gentle child like Ant," Lilly said, her eyes misty with emotion. She reached under her glasses to wipe her eyes.
"Tony was wild too."
"And here is our Ant as sweet as can be. Children sure are a mystery."
Phillip looked over at the clearing where Leon and Ant played catch with a ball from Bernie's physical therapy. Bernie was cheered them on, but since it was Bernie, it was more like heckling.
"Look at him, so happy," Lilly said in wonder while Ant flailed trying to catch the ball. Most of the time he missed or fumbled but he kept laughing anyway. "You're good for him. I always had to worry about what would happen once I was gone. Knowing Ant has someone he can depend on puts my mind at ease more than I can say. And you're the right kind of role model for my little Ant. One day when he has kids of his own, he'll do right by them. I just know it," Lilly said as she watched Ant playing
"I'm sure he will," Phillip said though he couldn't think that far ahead. Ant was just too little. How could he ever possibly be a grown-up with children?
Lilly went to sit with Bernie and spoke with her for a while. After that, she recruited Ant and Leon to help her get some cold drinks for everybody. Phillip offered to go in her place, but she pointed him to Bernie still sitting at the table.