If It’s Not Forever: It’s Not Love

by Datta, Durjoy

  I have never tried a drink since that day. No matter what happens, I stay away from it. But Ragini wanted to try it today and I shot it down. Seeing her face droop made me regret that day even more. There is no such thing as drinking responsibly. The moment the first drop of alcohol enters your bloodstream … I have seen what can happen, and I will never be a part of that again.

  Ragini’s fascination with my days in boarding school has not died down and she asked about my schooldays even more today. I told her about Pappu and our days in the football team. Ragini asked who was a better player and I said Pappu. He was way better than me, but since I was the more aggressive one, I was made the team captain. Though we always won matches because of him.

  I can’t really say when we drifted apart. I guess he had problems with me being chosen as the captain. And I used to be a little jealous that he always scored well. Also, he was the better-looking guy, scored better marks and was everyone’s hero. He was revered in our school and by the girls from the boarding schools nearby whereas I was just an angry bully who was somehow good academically.

  Ragini asked me to call Pappu and mend things with him. But it has been five years now and we haven’t talked. And I don’t think we would. I can’t call him. He must have even forgotten me. But I have not. I don’t know why I am talking about all this. I should concentrate on better things. Ragini. I love the way she rests her chin on her knuckles and hears me talk.

  I wish I could see her tomorrow.

  We’re Not Taking Her!

  Our argument regarding Tiya reaches a crescendo and we are almost at each other’s throats. We’re shouting outside our hotel and a lot of people are staring at us.

  ‘Are you crazy?’ I say out aloud. Shrey makes a face and pulls me away from his car. ‘She is not coming with us, Shrey. This isn’t happening.’

  ‘But why not?’

  ‘She is a girl. She can’t go on a road trip. It’s not safe. Plus, we stay at really dirty places.’

  ‘She would be more comfortable in a filthy room than you. Stop being so sexist. And I really want her to tag along. She’s special,’ Shrey counters.

  ‘She is seventeen.’

  ‘Eighteen. And how does that matter? I really like her. This could be something new and meaningful.’

  ‘You always say that, Shrey. Three weeks later, it’s all history. All that will remain will be a few naked pictures of her. I am not ruining our trip because of her,’ I say.

  ‘This time it’s different. I am telling you. Just trust me,’ he insists.

  ‘Doesn’t she have to go home?’

  ‘She told her parents that she’s going to BITS, Pilani, for their cultural festival for seven days. But I don’t think she’ll be with us for more than a couple of days,’ he says and I know he’s lying. He thinks he is very convincing but he smiles a little every time he thinks I am buying whatever he says.

  ‘Fine.’

  Fifteen minutes later, I already regret my decision. I am driving his shitty car while he’s making out in the back seat. Why do I even listen to him? I know why—because he leaves me no other choice. Asshole. I stop by at a restaurant to grab something to eat. I am hungry as hell.

  ‘Where are we going next?’ Shrey asks.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘Are you sure you’re done with Dehradun?’

  ‘I have seen enough. I hate this place. So many fucking schools. This is where childhood is murdered!’

  He has hardly seen anything. As I sit there and eat, Shrey and Tiya leave the table and click some pictures. Tiya is an amateur photographer and has one of those huge cameras with big white-and-black-striped lenses attached to it. She looks a little hot in her fitted tee, hot pants and the big camera hanging on to one side. I am still irritated with her presence. She shouldn’t be here.

  I don’t feel like eating much. I take out the diary and I know it’s the only thing that can get my mood right. I keep the slip of paper with the Haridwar address inside the diary. I clasp it and my heart is thumping loudly enough to be heard by people around me. I read the name on the slip again—Piyush Makhija, the best friend from school—and wonder what he would say about the dead guy. How would he react?

  ‘I think we should go to Haridwar,’ I tell them.

  ‘Haridwar?’ Shrey asks, a little shocked.

  ‘Yes,’ I say.

  ‘Are you sure? You do know that it’s only temples, flowers and diyas there, don’t you?’

  ‘I know that. I just want to see what the city is like. I’ve heard a lot about it and it’s just an hour from here,’ I say.

  ‘What do you think, Tiya?’ Shrey asks and looks at Tiya. Tiya looks at him with let’s-make-out eyes.

  ‘Anywhere with you,’ she says and smiles.

  We leave the place and get inside our car.

  ‘I am not driving,’ I say.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I drive and you guys make out. Not happening, Shrey.’

  Asshole. Fine then, we leave in the evening?’ he asks.

  We nod. Shrey takes the driving wheel and we leave the restaurant to go around Dehradun and hang out at some notable places. Shrey occasionally slips his hand from the gear on to Tiya’s bare legs. He keeps caressing them till the car starts to make strange noises.

  A little later, Tiya unties her hair, props her head by the window and puts her long, never-ending legs on Shrey’s lap. She closes her eyes and lets her hair blow across her face. Shrey looks at her and smiles lovingly. Maybe this girl really is special to him.

  After about twenty minutes, we switch places. I drive for the rest of the day. Shrey and Tiya keep busy clicking pictures of each other throughout. For the first time, I see Shrey posing for pictures without making a face. And I notice that Tiya is a brilliant photographer.

  Are we there?’ Shrey asks as I stop the car near a new hotel. He has been busy making out for the last half an hour. We check into two separate rooms and he tells me he needs an hour with Tiya, alone. I don’t hang around them much. They’ve waited all day to reach a room and do something and I can give them one hour.

  We decide to leave for Haridwar after that. I check if I still have the address. I come to my room and flop on the bed. I realize how dependent I am on Avantika. The minute I see a couple holding hands, exchanging short, sweet unsaid messages or making out, I can’t help but think of her. I miss her so much. I have no idea how long-distance relationships work. What do you do when you miss him or her like nuts? I call her.

  ‘Hey,’ I say. ‘Where are you?’

  ‘Just got back to the hotel room. I am so exhausted, Deb. I wish I were on a road trip too.’

  ‘Then come! I’m getting bored anyway. Shrey and Tiya keep doing stuff and I feel left out.’

  ‘Aww! That’s sweet. But I am going back to Delhi tomorrow. There is some work there so they cut short the Mumbai trip,’ she says and I feel sorry for her. I don’t like her working so hard.

  ‘Stop working so much. I think it’s time for you to retire and never be away from my arms,’ I say.

  ‘That’s so sweet. Don’t make me want to be there. I have so much work.’

  ‘Leave work, Avantika. We need to go out and have fun!’

  ‘You mean we don’t have fun now?’ she asks.

  ‘We do. But we don’t do crazy stuff any more,’ I say. I really want her to come and I try to incite her. It’s stupid; I know she has better things to do than to accompany her boyfriend on a senseless road trip.

  ‘If it were possible, I would’ve come. I am leaving for Delhi today. My flight leaves in an hour.’

  ‘Hmmm.’ I make a puppy sound, but she doesn’t feel pity. I don’t blame her.

  She is surprised to hear that we are going to Haridwar and even more surprised to hear that it was my idea. She is a little sceptical but doesn’t say anything. We talk for a few more minutes and hang up. Usually, how much a couple talks on the phone goes down as the relationship progresses. In our case, it has just increased ex
ponentially. I go to sleep at six and it’s ten in the night when I wake up. Shrey and Tiya still haven’t left their room and I knock on their door to wake them up.

  ‘All set? It’s been four hours,’ I ask Shrey as he scrambles for his clothes and bags. We check out of the hotel soon after. Since its Shrey’s turn to drive, I doze off in the back seat. After a while, I hear the car stutter to a stop.

  ‘Huh?’ I wake up. I slept throughout the drive. I am a little surprised to see Tiya in the driving seat. Isn’t she too young to drive?

  ‘You were driving?’ I ask.

  ‘I am eighteen and I have a licence. And it’s real. You want to check, daddy?’ she says and looks for her handbag.

  ‘Okay, whatever,’ I say.

  Shrey and Tiya laugh. Shrey whispers into her ear, ‘I thought I was your daddy.’

  Tiya bites his ear. I have to admit I kind of like this girl. She reminds me of the Avantika I’ve never seen, the Avantika who is now forever lost behind the smoke of hash, the dust of cocaine and the hallucinations of heroin. She still has those tattoos she got made on her lower back and her arms in those delirious, foolish times. She used to do cocaine and ecstasy on a daily basis. Syringes and white powders ruled her life. Many guys, junkies like her, came and went—used her and dumped her. The serious boyfriends—one landed up in jail, the other lost both his legs in an accident—were rich bastards and drug addicts who did nothing to pull Avantika out of her misery.

  By the time I met her, she had left all that behind. The short dresses, the mad parties and the heavy make-up she had hid beneath during those years. By then she had joined Spirit of Living and was much better. I still can’t figure out what took her so long to come out of it. She is so gorgeous! Why didn’t anyone see what she was going through and pull her out of it? Avantika—the quintessential tragic beauty.

  Tiya is like her photocopy, only less pretty. I applaud her devil-may-care attitude, but I’m a little scared for her. Avantika survived her reckless phase, but not everyone is as fortunate. We keep on driving and spot a signboard that indicates we are close. Soon, we reach the city of diyas, incense and the sacred river, and Tiya parks the car near a really shitty hotel.

  ‘Here?’ I ask.

  ‘Why not?’ Tiya says and takes out her bag from the car.

  Shrey smiles at me. It really seems like I am the girl and not Tiya. I check my phone. There are thirteen missed calls. Avantika. It’s a little strange, I think. I call her back, guessing that she must have reached Delhi, but I am in for a shock.

  ‘Hey!’ I say as I take my bag out of the car. I ask them to go along, knowing well that they would get down to business as soon as they reach their room, and tell them I will follow later.

  ‘Where the fuck are you, Deb? And why don’t you pick up your phone?’ Avantika says.

  ‘I left my phone … I mean I dropped it in the car,’ I say. Yes, sometimes my girlfriend, though she is as adorable as a newborn, scares the shit out of me.

  ‘Have you reached? Don’t tell me you haven’t reached Haridwar yet! It’s just a one-hour drive from Dehradun!’

  ‘Yes, we have. But why?’ I ask, a little taken aback.

  ‘I am here.’

  I blank out. It takes me a few seconds to comprehend what she is saying and then I ask, ‘Haridwar? You are here? When? How?’

  ‘Yes! I wanted to surprise you, but you were just not answering your phone,’ she says.

  ‘You have still surprised me! Where are you? How? Weren’t you going to Delhi?’ I ask as I pace around the car. I am ecstatic.

  ‘I changed my mind. I came here instead and you—’

  ‘But where are you right now?’ I ask.

  ‘Hotel Goodwin,’ she says. ‘But you spoilt it all. I had prepared everything. Hot water tub, candles and everything. Now all that’s left is molten wax, cold water and an angry girl, which is me, of course.’

  ‘You’re kidding, right?’

  ‘You would have had the time of your life, Mr Debashish Roy,’ she says. I can almost see her winking from the other side of the phone.

  ‘Fuck. You can’t take all that away from me,’ I squeal.

  ‘It’s your fault.’

  ‘I’m coming.’

  ‘Whatever,’ she says and disconnects the call.

  Fuck.

  I look for the keys of the car and find them on the dashboard. I rev up the engine and drive through the crowded roads of Haridwar. The city is lit up with candles, diyas, tiny LED lights from China and it looks beautiful. But I am incredibly pissed off. I couldn’t possibly have missed it. Damn the phone! I ask around for directions and reach the hotel. It’s a big hotel. I call her and she doesn’t pick up the phone. It seems like she’s having her own sweet revenge now.

  ‘There is someone by the name of Ms Avantika who checked in earlier this evening? Room number?’ I ask frantically at the reception.

  ‘F,’ the receptionist says and points to the lift lobby.

  I rush through the corridors of the hotel, get on the elevator and reach the room. It’s safe to say that Batman would have taken longer to reach there—I was that quick. The door is unlocked. I take a deep breath and push the door open. I’m more eager and nervous than a newly-wed virgin bride who hasn’t even seen porn yet.

  There is no light inside. I am panting by the time I reach there. My breath is heavy and my eyes are still getting used to the darkness. I look around and she is nowhere to be seen. The bed is covered with satin sheets—red and white. I see light emanating from below the washroom door. My mind tingles as I construct images in my head. I open the door slowly and the sight is exactly what my mind had conjured up … and better!

  There is a huge bathtub filled with glittering soap bubbles, lined on all sides by candles of different colours and sizes and the air filled up with intoxicating fragrances. I spot her behind those bubbles with her one leg, wet and smooth, lifted atop the bathtub. The soap hides her but I know what waits behind those shimmering soap bubbles—the succulent bosom of the prettiest girl ever, waiting to be devoured by me. She looks radiant in the glow of the candles around her. Her eyes are smouldering and they invite me, mock me and disarm me. Oh. And disrobe me.

  She doesn’t say anything. Neither do I. Minutes later, I am with her inside the bathtub, holding her from behind and our lips are in a warm, wet embrace. All that I had imagined, and probably she had too, when I was driving down to her hotel, does not come true. We aren’t overcome by lust but love.

  I just want to hold her close and never let her go. As she kisses me deeper, I can see a few drops of tears run down her cheek. I can feel what she feels. We’ve never been apart for more than a day at a stretch and it is painful. I am happy to see her and my grasp around her bare waist is not out of my physical desires and needs, but it is to tell her that I would never want to let her go.

  We don’t make out. Yes, we start, but both of us just keep telling each other how much we missed the other being around. I never thought I would ever be talking to Avantika while she was naked, but I am today.

  ‘It’s a shame that I lit these candles, prepared the bath and … we didn’t even do it,’ she says.

  As she says it, I realize—and probably she does too—that it is actually an insult to our sex life, and almost instantly, we are all over each other. An hour later, we find ourselves on the bed, naked, wrapped around each other and in those satin sheets. It was good. It was more out of love than lust. The stares lingered for a little longer, the touches were more deliberate, the kisses were more passionate, and the moans were replaced by I love you. It was exhilarating. We didn’t have sex. We made love. There is a distinct difference.

  ‘How much did you miss me?’ she asks and puts her hand on my chest. I am still panting. It is challenging to make out with Avantika. I am exhausted. Making out with her is like a pleasurable and dirty version of Man vs Wild.

  ‘A lot,’ I say.

  ‘Aww! You’re the best,’ she says and kisses me.<
br />
  ‘You’re better!’

  ‘I know that,’ she says and winks at me. We lie there for quite some time.

  ‘So you cancelled Delhi?’ I ask her.

  ‘I had no choice; I missed you. I took the flight to Dehradun and hired a taxi to come here. Strangely I reached before you could.’ She smirks. ‘And I wanted to see how much fun you’re having on your road trip! Where have you guys put up?’

  ‘Umm, it’s a small place. Outskirts of the city,’ I say.

  ‘Why don’t you come here? You are here for a day or two, right?’

  ‘Yes, but it’s a road trip. The ground rule is that you don’t spend money unless it’s really necessary. This place is really expensive. Plus, we have Tiya with us. She insists on spending her own money and she wouldn’t be able to afford this hotel,’ I say.

  ‘Then take me to your hotel,’ she says.

  ‘Sure,’ I say.

  We laze around for a little while and she gathers all her stuff. Twelve suitcases! I wonder why though. She looks good in anything she wears.

  ‘Are we going in this?’ she exclaims as we put her suitcases in the car.

  ‘Shrey insisted.’

  We drive away and I text Shrey that Avantika will be joining us. There is no reply from his side and I am too busy staring at Avantika to care. She looks beautiful as the moonlight reflects of her long black hair. As she looks in the distance, I wonder if she is thinking about me. If she is, will she always be thinking about me? Sometimes thoughts like these trouble me. What is a girl like Avantika—who is so perfect in every sense—doing with me? She deserves someone much better. I am an ugly guy who writes and publishes trashy campus novels. She can do much better than that.

  ‘How far is it?’ she asks.

  ‘Just there,’ I say and point out to the hotel.

  ‘Are you serious?’ she asks and crooks her nose. She looks adorable doing that.