If It’s Not Forever: It’s Not Love

by Datta, Durjoy

  ‘It was at six,’ I say. ‘Oh? No one told you? The flight was delayed moments after we booked it. It’s at ten now.’

  Avantika chuckles. So do I. And though it looks like Shrey is fast asleep, he’s not. His lips curve into a smile.

  ‘But why the fuck didn’t you guys tell me?’

  ‘You’re not the only one here who can be a pain in the ass,’ Avantika says and we all chuckle.

  ‘All of you are assholes.’

  ‘You guys are crazy. I am not getting up,’ Tiya shouts as we wake her up at eight.

  All three of us share a quiet smile among ourselves. She had panicked big time a couple of hours back.

  ‘We know you’re coming along,’ Shrey says. ‘You want to find out what happens next too, don’t you?’

  ‘Fuck you! I don’t. I’m not crazy like you.’

  ‘Oh, is it so? Is that why you acted so hyper? Is that why you so desperately want to go to Bangalore?’ Avantika says.

  ‘I do not want to go. I just didn’t want the money to go waste.’ She sits up in the bed and rubs her eyes.

  ‘You weren’t paying for it anyway’ Shrey says.

  ‘Whatever,’ she says and her lips curve into a smile. We laugh. ‘But I’m still telling you guys that it’s a waste. By the way, did anyone call that number again?’ she says and we laugh again. ‘You guys better stop laughing or I will cut your heads off.’

  It becomes apparent that despite her outward posturing of being disconnected, she is glued to our little adventure.

  ‘I called,’ Avantika says.

  ‘And?’

  ‘Nigel’s parents picked up. Nigel has been in a rehabilitation facility in Bangalore for the last few months. He’s not doing too well.’

  Tiya is dumbfounded. She’s not read the diary so she doesn’t know as much about Nigel as we do. Tiya looks at Avantika, and then us, and has nothing to say. It’s not because she’s taken aback at what Avantika has just said, it’s because no matter how much Tiya has tried to distance herself from the story, she’s a part of it too. We are all a part of it now. There is no escaping it. Our lives, their lives—it’s all intertwined now. Tiya doesn’t say anything and packs her stuff.

  We reach the airport in under an hour. No one sleeps in the taxi. Tiya, tense and nervous, asks us again if Nigel was seriously in rehab and we nod.

  ‘Who’s going to talk to Ragini?’ Shrey asks and everyone looks at me.

  ‘I would have nothing to say,’ I reply.

  ‘But you found the diary,’ Avantika says.

  ‘What would I say to her? You’re a girl; you’ll be able to handle it better.’

  My palms sweat even as I imagine the scenario. We are still a fair distance from reaching Ragini, but I’m already nervous.

  ‘We’ll just give her the diary,’ Tiya says.

  ‘It’s going to be so awkward,’ Shrey adds.

  I had realized that long back. But I didn’t give it much thought back then. And now, it is staring right at me. I am just thankful that I have three more people with me in my awkwardness. We get on the flight and I close my eyes. The air hostesses are hot, but they can’t hold my attention for long. I wait for Bangalore.

  ‘Don’t worry too much,’ Avantika looks at me and says.

  ‘I am not worrying. I just feel sorry for Ragini.’

  ‘Hmmm. I am sure she’s going to be okay. One just cannot beat fate, right? At least she’ll get to know that she was loved by Ritam till his dying breath. That’s got to mean something.’

  ‘Let’s hope so,’ I say.

  ‘You’re cute, Deb.’

  ‘Where did that come from?’

  ‘You look cute when you’re nervous. And what you’re doing is commendable. I mean, no one would have done what you are doing. I’m sure Ritam is watching you from above and patting your back,’ she says.

  ‘What crap. You would’ve done the same. And you’re doing the same, aren’t you?’

  ‘Whatever.’

  ‘And it was anyway a selfish pursuit. I thought this would make an interesting story,’ I say.

  ‘You want me to believe that?’

  ‘Not really.’

  She puts her hand on mine and smiles. I smile back. I owe everything to Avantika. She kind of puts my life into perspective. I really don’t care what anyone thinks or says about me. All I truly care about is her. My true aim in life is not to be happy or world peace or the Kashmir issue but to see Avantika every day and to keep her happy.

  ‘I love you,’ I say after a pause.

  ‘I know you do,’ she runs her fingers over my face.

  ‘Those creepy Twilight movies …?’

  ‘What about them?’ she asks.

  ‘Sometimes, like that vampire in those movies, I stay up nights to watch you sleep.’

  ‘Liar,’ she says and smiles shyly.

  ‘I mean I try to. But they are vampires, they don’t sleep. I do. But I do watch you. And all I do is …’

  ‘What?’

  ‘… wonder if you dream about me,’ I say.

  ‘Do I look happy when I’m asleep?’

  ‘Yes, you do.’

  ‘Then I’m sure I’m dreaming about you,’ she says and puts her head on my shoulder.

  These little things are what make my life worth living.

  13 January 2011

  ‘No matter how much she insults me and berates me, one smile—just one smile—and she makes it all right.’

  For the first time in days, I looked at Ragini and didn’t think that she was high on anything. She seemed perfectly sane and in control of her senses. But something about her still seemed a little off. She did not seem like the cute girl-next-door that she used to be. The careless attitude was still there. I felt like going to her to talk. But something stopped me. Something told me that she was still not willing to listen. I was actually nervous to talk to her.

  Over the last few days, she has started to look a little strange. She applies something on her eyes that make them look all dark and evil. How can someone change so drastically over a period of a few weeks? Ragini has and there is no use denying it. It is right in front of me. I am insanely worried about her. And by the end of the day I decided that I would not keep shut any longer. It was time for an intervention. I could not see her destroy herself right in front of my eyes. I decided I would tell her that Nigel was wrong and she should leave him. But I did not get a chance. Before I could gather up my courage to approach her, she left. I saw Nigel enter the office and I saw her leave with him. They were on a bike. There weren’t any helmets in sight. I hoped they did not get into any kind of trouble.

  I had not seen her since that day—which was three days ago—and I had been worried out of my mind. If something had happened to her, I would never have been able to forgive myself. I could have stopped her from leaving with Nigel that evening, but I was too much of a coward to take a stand against what Ragini wanted. I did not want her to be bothered with my stupid concerns again. I had been restless the entire day. Both their phones were switched off. I could not help but think of what all could have happened. All kinds of gruesome images were popping up in my head. I was going out of my mind.

  Finally, I gave up and went to Nigel’s flat. Nigel’s parents had gone out so I waited there. I just wanted Ragini to be all right. I wanted to make her understand what’s right and what’s not. I didn’t know how to go about it. I called Sumi a few times, but she didn’t pick up. She has been avoiding me lately. Then I called her from Nigel’s landline and she picked up. She said she was busy and would call me back later. A little later, Nigel’s parents returned and told me he had gone to Coorg for a few days. I left their place. I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad about it.

  Last night, as I passed her room, I heard her voice. I am sure it was her. It could be no one else. No one else can chirp like her. I wanted to knock on her door, but resisted. It wasn’t just her chirp I heard. Nigel was there too.

  I went to the
office today, though I did not want to. But I needed something to do, so I could distract myself. And then, I saw her. I was amazed at first. She looked clean, almost like herself, like she did before we made the biggest mistake and came to Bangalore. Except that there were dark shadows beneath her eyes and her eyes were a little swollen due to lack of sleep. How was I to know that those circles were an indication of darker times to come?

  And then, I decided to go talk to her. Luckily, I was at the water cooler, when I heard her meek ‘Hi’ from behind me. I turned and smiled, after the initial shock of being face-to-face with such prettiness faded. We stood silently for a short while, after which she asked me how I was doing. We made small talk for a few more minutes before going back to our desks. And when I got there, I found a tissue paper lying on top of my keyboard. It had one word—Sorry.

  I smiled and met her eye over the computer screen. She smiled back. Things are getting back to normal. I am glad. I am happy today. After a very long time, Ragini let me come close to her. Though she still did not really talk to me, I saw her eyes twinkle again, the voice chirp again. I saw her lips curve upwards and a little colour flood her cheeks. She looked adorable.

  I wish I could see her again tomorrow

  28 January 2011

  ‘Sometimes you have to undergo a lot of pain to realize what’s right and what’s wrong. As she endures that pain and fights for every breath, I hope she realizes. I have had my share of pain and I don’t mind taking away hers.’

  It was three hours past midnight when the policeman called me. When he told me Ragini was in hospital, I thought it was just one of my bad dreams. I had been having similar nightmares for the last few weeks. But then, after a while, it registered—it was really happening. Over the past few weeks, Nigel and Ragini had been missing office regularly. On other days, when they did come to office, they used to be in a dishevelled state. A few days back, Ragini had even asked me for money. I knew what she wanted it for so I politely refused.

  I rushed to the hospital to find both Ragini and Nigel admitted there. Drug overdose. Cocaine with dangerous levels of alcohol in their bloodstreams. While Nigel was shifted to the general ward just a little while later, Ragini stayed in the ICU for more than six hours. The flashing red light had been sucking the life out of me and killing me slowly. I could not hold it back any longer. I had to call and inform her parents about it and so I did. They freaked out and left from the UK within two hours. They had no idea about all this happening behind their backs. And that was when I had told them nothing about it. I had told them it was a one-time thing. An accident. She had never had drinks or done drugs before. I hoped they would not lose their daughter. I hoped I would not lose my reason to live. But outside the ICU, I was alone. It was a sixteen-hour flight from London to Bangalore. All I did was pace around the waiting area and curse myself for letting it happen. I had been a coward. I hated myself.

  Finally the next morning, twenty-eight hours after she had been admitted, we got the news that she was out of danger. It had been some hours since Ragini’s parents had reached. All those hours, her mom had cried, while I had tried desperately to hold back my tears. We had been up all night. She had been talking to me about her. She told me all about Ragini, right from when she was a fat little girl. Some of it I already knew. A lot of it was news to me. I had kept listening.

  The doctors said that Ragini had suffered kidney and liver damage, which was irreversible, but she would live. When her mom stopped crying, I took her slowly towards where Ragini lay. She looked at her and cried some more. It was a depressing sight—the white bed, Ragini in a hospital gown, needles sticking out of her, her uncombed hair and the strange, sickening hospital smell. Ragini’s dad stood in front of the ICU, looking at Ragini’s still form. And then he looked at me, as I tried to console his wife. His eyes told me he was grateful. I couldn’t take my eyes off Ragini. She looked weak. Frail. Her complexion was chalky. I could not bear to see her like that, but I kept looking. She was alive. It was enough for me.

  Today, it has been three days since the drug overdose incident. She is still in the ICU. The recovery of her kidney would take a lot of time. Full recovery is impossible. I have been watching her from a distance for the last few days. But I went to see her today. There was a police case fled and they were both recommended to a rehabilitation centre. Her parents wanted me to tell her that. I slowly entered her ward and stood at the foot of her bed. She looked up and saw me. Then she looked away. She kept staring blankly at the wall for all the time that I was there. I sat next to her bed and told her about what was supposed to happen. She is to be shifted to the rehab in a few days and so is Nigel. As I described the details, she kept staring at that favourite wall of hers and crying. I did not like the tears that were flowing from her eyes on to the pillow. But I could not do anything to stop them. She did not look at me even once. When I left the room, I felt her eyes follow me.

  I wish things are better tomorrow. I wish I could see her tomorrow.

  Bangalore

  It seems like the flight is taking forever to reach Bangalore. I have a certain respect for that city. It’s probably the only city where Rock ’n’ Roll, metal signs and sticking your tongue out in public and shouting ‘Metallicaaaaa!’ are not frowned upon. I’m not really a fan of the congested traffic and that the city closes down at ten in the night. It has way too many cute women to keep them hidden behind closed doors. Bangalore desperately needs a night life, because it certainly has the people needed to sustain one—rich, good-looking people.

  When I wake up, I find Avantika running her fingers through my hair. I feel like sleeping some more so that she keeps doing it. But soon the fasten-your-seat-belt sign comes up and I get up. I look at my right to see Shrey and Tiya holding hands. They seem to be in love. I have begun to accept Tiya as a part of our little world. Despite all her unnecessary bravado, Tiya seems like a sweet girl. We already know that she is super sharp. So it’s not all that bad having her around.

  The airplane stutters and shudders to a stop. That’s really the best part of flying. A certain part of me always wants the plane to crash, just to know how it feels to be seconds away from a catastrophe and feel that thrill and the rush. Yes, I’m a little creepy. The airplane stops and everyone rushes to take their bags out, like they are the busiest people around. We sit and wait. Avantika points to Shrey and Tiya, who are holding hands and talking to each other. They look cute, even though Shrey distinctly looks about ten years older than her.

  ‘What do you think of them?’ Avantika asks.

  ‘Them? She’s too young, isn’t she?’

  ‘Yes, but she’s smart.’

  ‘I thought you didn’t like her,’ I say.

  ‘I didn’t. She was a little too brash. I thought she would go down the same terrible path I went on. Or her way,’ she points to the diary meaning Ragini. ‘But she seems a little too smart for it.’

  ‘And how can you say that?’

  ‘Remember when we mentioned that Nigel went to rehabilitation? She was shocked. When I was told such things, I always thought that it could not happen to me. That’s cockiness. But she was shocked. She is scared of what happened to Ragini and Nigel. She isn’t stupid. I was,’ Avantika says.

  ‘You’re not stupid! You’re lovely!’

  We see Shrey and Tiya get up, with their hands wrapped around each other’s. We follow suit. Finally, we get off the plane and enter the Bangalore airport. The weather, as expected, is awesome.

  ‘I’ll go and find out where the rehabilitation facility is located,’ Avantika says and walks towards the tourist information counter. She comes back with a map that has a circle marked around where we have to go.

  ‘Should we leave?’ she asks.

  ‘Is it really necessary?’ Tiya asks nervously. We look at her strangely.

  ‘Yes, we have to go,’ Shrey says. ‘Maybe after seeing the rehabilitation facility you’ll understand why Avantika is so concerned about you and why she ask
s you to behave sensibly. She has been through all that and knows what it’s like to be in there.’

  ‘Huh?’ we echo. We don’t get the point behind what Shrey just said. Usually, he just encourages Tiya’s stupid behaviour. This was strange and totally out of the blue.

  ‘You mean I don’t act sensibly?’ Tiya asks, surprised. ‘Why would you say that? All of a sudden?’

  ‘It’s because—’

  ‘Because?’

  ‘Nothing,’ he says. ‘I just don’t want anything to happen to you. It’s for your own good.’

  Yeah, right! We all know what Shrey had almost said out aloud. He was about to say that he is in love with her. He had just almost said it. It’s been years since Shrey has told anybody that he loves her. Avantika and I look at each other and smile. Tiya doesn’t react. I think she missed the point and is just offended by what he said.

  The rehabilitation facility is located fifty kilometres outside the city. We take a taxi and the driver tells us that it’s a long drive. We don’t really mind. We are not driving any more. A part of me doesn’t even want to get there. The thought of Ragini’s dead guy is freaking me out.

  ‘Why does your trip always have to include scary places?’ Tiya remarks as we stand outside the rehabilitation facility. It’s eerily similar to the place where we’d gone to meet Nivedita. It looks like a British structure, really old and imposing. In fact, this place is a little worse than the mental asylum where we went. We go through the same exercise of asking the receptionist whether we could meet the patient. She asks us to wait in the visiting room.

  It’s a little strange to think that Ragini has been here too. Avantika tries to ask the receptionist if she can give us the details of Ragini and she refuses. She states that every patient signs a confidentiality clause when he or she is admitted that bars the hospital from revealing any information to anyone.

  ‘I don’t really like Nigel,’ Tiya whispers in Avantika’s ear.

  ‘What? You don’t even know him.’

  ‘Had he not been there, all of this wouldn’t have happened. Asshole,’ Tiya says.