Confessions

by Sasha Campbell

  I was confused. “Later?”

  Mama nodded and looked at me. “When I lost my job, I let my brother move in with us. By then I had gotten turned on to crack, and before long that was the only way I could get the pain to go away. I was sick, Netta. I know that’s hard for you to believe, but I didn’t know what I was doing from one day to the next. All I wanted was that good feeling. Sonny paid the bills and supported my drug habit.” She placed a shaky hand to her head and smoothed it across her hair. “I saw you in the hospital that day you came to see Sonny. I was standing on the other side of the door. You never did care for him, so I was surprised to see you run outta his room crying. After you left, I went in Sonny’s room and demanded he tell me what happened. That’s when he broke down and confessed everything. I was so angry, I reached for a pillow…and smothered him with it.”

  “What?” My eyes snapped to hers, and I knew she was telling me the truth.

  Mama stared at the ceiling and looked as if she was trying to find the right words. “I blamed myself for what happened to you, and if I couldn’t do anything else I wanted to make sure he experienced what it felt like to be helpless.”

  Sitting across from her, I couldn’t find the words to bridge the silence between us. There wasn’t anything I could say. My mother had killed my uncle.

  She sniffled. “All I had ever wanted to do was to protect my children and keep them together. Instead, I failed all of you.” With a sigh, Mama put back on her coat, then rose from the couch. I got up as well. “Thank you for listening. I felt it was time you knew.” She reached out and touched my arm, and something inside of me cracked. Before Mama could turn away from me, I reached for her and wrapped my arms around her waist. Mama grabbed hold of me and the two of us held each other and cried.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  She looked up into my eyes. “A mother is supposed to protect her own. I’m just sorry it took me so long.” Her smile was sad as she released me and walked out the door.

  34

  Nikki

  “Hey, Nikki, Kenyon called. He said, ‘Tell her I love her, and I always will.’” Trinette did a good job of sounding like him and then started laughing hysterically over the phone. I was glad she was at least back to work and in a good mood.

  I groaned. “He is soooo sad.”

  Trinette was right. Kenyon was nuts, or maybe a better way of describing it was by saying the dude was obsessed. The crazy dude was calling my phone every hour on the hour and had the nerve to leave a message with every call. I eventually had to turn my cell phone off, but all that did was make him start calling my house. I had to contact the phone company about getting a new phone number. It was easy to ignore calls to my cell phone, but the house was another story all together. With Donovan coming home, the thought of Kenyon just happening to call in six months was not worth the risk. I had to make up a lie and tell Donovan I changed my number because I was getting too many hang-up calls. Since I was ignoring his calls, Kenyon started texting, and each text was more persistent than the last.

  “Hey, I told you something wasn’t right with that dude.”

  I removed several old copies of Ebony off the shelves and filled the rack with May’s edition as I spoke. “Netta, I don’t understand him. Ever since I told him it was over between us, he’s been acting psycho.” I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Trinette how psycho he was acting, because I would never hear the end of it. “I had to change my home number.”

  “I don’t understand it either. What man begs a woman to stay with him? That’s such a turnoff! I still don’t know how you were with him in the first place. Nikki, you sure know how to pick ’em.” Hearing her laugh was so much better than all that crying she had done last week.

  “You got some nerve. Don’t forget you’ve dated some doozies in your day.”

  “True that,” she admitted.

  “Remember Mr. Stutter?”

  “Y-Y-Yes. I used to hang up the phone long before he could get the words out.”

  I was cracking up. “And let’s not forget Cory.”

  “Eeew! Girl, don’t remind me. He’s still calling my job, but ain’t anything like your Kenyon.”

  I let out a long, aggravated sigh. “Yeah, thanks.” Glancing at the door, I noticed a florist moving into the bookstore. I was anxious to find out if the beautiful bouquet in his hands was for me. “Trinette, let me get back to work. I’ll holla at you later.” I put the phone in my pocket and moved out into the aisle and down toward the front of the store to greet the delivery guy. “Aren’t those beautiful! Please tell me those are for me.”

  He gave me a warm smile. “Well, if your name is Nikki Truth, they are.”

  “That would be me.” I grinned as I took the vase filled with a dozen long-stemmed pink roses from his hands. I set it on the table, then signed my name on a clipboard and returned it to him. “Let me get you a tip.”

  While holding up his hands, he shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s already been taken care of.”

  I watched him leave, then reached inside for the card. I thank God for second chances. I luv u Donovan. Damn, I had a good man, and obviously he recognized he had a fabulous woman, because he had ordered his boo flowers. Smiling, I carried the bouquet over to the counter.

  “Oooh! Those are gorgeous,” Karen complimented. I could see the envy in her eyes. From the way she talked, all a man seemed to bring her was heartache and pain.

  “Yes, they are. Thank you. My husband bought them for me. I’m gonna leave them here on the desk for both of us to enjoy.”

  Nodding, she agreed. “Looking at them will definitely brighten up the day.”

  I looked outside and frowned. It was definitely March because it had been raining all morning. Business in the store had been slow. On mornings like this, I spent the majority of time restocking the shelves.

  After taking a final sniff, I returned to the magazine section and was cracking open another box when I spotted Kenyon browsing the discount books to my left. When the hell did he get here?

  Holding the box cutter in my hand, I moved over to where he was standing. “Can I help you with something?” I asked with a hand at my hip. This dude was really trying to push my buttons.

  He cocked his head to the right and smiled. “Hello, Nikki. I’m in the mood for a good mystery. Got any suggestions?”

  “Yeah, I suggest you get the hell outta my store!” Thank goodness no one else was there, because I hated to act ugly in public. Karen came around the counter and gave me a concerned look. I waved my hand, indicating I had everything under control.

  Kenyon glanced down at the box cutter and looked nervous. “Why are you acting like I’ve done something to you? All I am trying to do is come in here and buy a book from a black-owned bookstore instead of giving my money to Barnes and Noble. That’s it.”

  Blowing out a long breath I replied, “Okay, then go ahead and find something, then please leave.” I swung on my heel and returned to the box of magazines and was putting them on the shelves when I felt someone standing over me. I didn’t even have to look to know it was Kenyon.

  His eyes were lit up with excitement. “Baby, I found something that sounds really good.”

  I looked past the latest James Patterson to glare at him. “How many times I gotta tell you to stop calling me baby?”

  He brought a hand to his mouth. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to let you know I found something. Have a good day.” Without another word, he moved to the desk, where Karen was more than happy to help him. Out behind the cabinet, I watched him smile as he spoke. The confident man had returned, and he was gorgeous standing there in black slacks and a pinstripe shirt. While I watched him I couldn’t help but remember how good we had been together in bed. Even now I lay awake at night and relived him being inside of me, stroking me deep, making me come like no other man has ever been able to do, including my husband. And that’s part of the reason why I needed him to stay away from me. I resented that I st
ill thought about him, when the only man who should feel my mind is Donovan. I forced myself to turn away. Kenyon was the past, and maybe some of our time together was memorable. However, the only man I wanted in my life, lying between my thighs at night, was Donovan.

  I buried myself in my work until my stomach started to growl. Glancing down at my watch, I saw that it was almost noon.

  “Karen, I’m gonna run out and grab some lunch.”

  “Okay, I’ll go when you get back.”

  I reached for my purse behind the counter and swung it over my shoulder. It was rare when I got a chance to go out and eat, but today I was feeling just too good. “Can you pick up some stamps while you’re out?”

  “Sure,” Karen said, then frowned. “By the way, I…uh…been meaning to tell you this last month while I was cleaning out the desk drawers, I found a bunch a letters. I assumed your last assistant forgot to mail them so I stuck them in the mailbox. It wasn’t until your flowers came in today and I…uh…looked at the card I realized the letters were to your husband.”

  I cocked my head to the side, looking up at her. “What? Wait a minute. You’re telling me you found a bunch of letters in the drawer that were never mailed?”

  She nodded. “At first I thought maybe you had stuck them in the drawer for me to send out, but yesterday I found an electric bill that hadn’t been mailed either.”

  “What?” I knew why it had taken so long for Donovan to get my letters.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No, it’s not your fault. It’s that stupid chick I had working here in the office. No wonder they threatened to disconnect my electricity in November. I went down there arguing with them like a damn fool for nothing. Damn! No wonder my husband never got his letters.” I was tempted to call Tiara and cuss her out. Knowing her, she probably had done that shit on purpose. She was always a little too happy when Donovan came into the office, and he said she brought her son in every week to his shop just so he would cut his hair. I was so pissed, I was halfway to my car before I realized Kenyon was leaning on the hood.

  “What do you want?” I definitely was not in the mood for him.

  He rose and moved toward me. “Baby, please, I just wanna talk to you.”

  I pressed the remote on my key, starting my car. “Talk to me about what!”

  His answer was pitiful. “Why…why do you act like you hate me? I’ve never done anything to you.”

  “Except stalk me.”

  Kenyon swallowed hard. “I just…I just wanted to see you.”

  “Okay, you’re seeing me, now leave me alone.”

  “Baby, baby, please, just hear me out,” Kenyon pleaded.

  “Quit calling me baby!” This man was so pathetic. Didn’t he realize I didn’t want to hear shit he had to say.

  I must have looked like a lunatic, because he backed up a bit. “Baby, I-I mean Nikki, please…just listen and don’t interrupt.”

  I rolled my eyes, crossed my arms and leaned against my Lexus. “What? I don’t have all day.”

  “Sweetie, we fell in love,” he began with a shrug. “You fell in love with me and I fell in love with you. We have something special, and that’s not going to easily go away. Please, don’t interrupt. I-I care about you and I can’t just turn off my feelings like that.”

  I was quickly getting impatient. “Well, you’re gonna have to.”

  “You’re my best friend.”

  Oh, goodness. His lips quivered and he looked like he was about to cry. Damn! The last thing I wanted to do was to feel sorry for him. “Kenyon, listen, you’re a really nice guy. Really, you are, and there is a woman out there who is gonna love you, but I already have someone to love me.”

  “He can never love you like I do.”

  “You’re right. He loves me more. Now get outta my way.” I pushed him aside and hopped into my car as fast as I could. I was sick of hearing all that whining. I couldn’t even feel sorry for him anymore.

  “Wait!” He started knocking on my glass. “Baby, please, let’s just go out to lunch and talk.”

  “Kenyon, I don’t want to go out with you! Do you know how pathetic you sound begging?”

  “I’m just fighting for what I want. My sister told me I needed to start standing up for myself. Well, baby, I’m standing up. I want you and I’ll take you any way I can get you.”

  Talking to him was a big waste of time. I’d had callers with issues, but his ass took the biggest cupcake. I put the key in the ignition, and thank goodness Kenyon had sense enough to get out of the way when he did, otherwise I would have run over his feet.

  I peeled away from the lot cussing under my breath. Kenyon was pathetic. As I hit the corner, my cell phone rang and I tapped my earpiece.

  “Hello?”

  “Baby, please, just give me another chance.”

  You’ve got to be kidding. “Why are you calling me?”

  “Baby, please…I miss you.”

  “Well, I don’t miss you. You drove me crazy, smothering me all the time.”

  “Baby, I’ve never done anything but try to love you.” The desperation in his voice was sickening.

  “Kenyon. You need some help. You really need to go and see a therapist.”

  “Nikki, there’s nothing wrong with me.” This was so ridiculous I felt like laughing.

  “There is something definitely wrong with you. You drive a woman to drink.”

  “Baby!” he squawked, and had the nerve to sound offended.

  I gave a strangled laugh. “I’m serious. You’re so damn worrisome. Stop calling me.” I was really laughing.

  “Okay, okay. Call me later if you wanna talk.” He sounded so sad.

  “Kenyon, I’m…not…calling you.”

  “Baby…just call me later.”

  “Uh-huh.” I had no intentions of calling him, but I knew it was the only way I could get him off the phone.

  He ended the call before I could. Kenyon had some serious issues far worse than I could deal with.

  35

  Trinette

  I waited until Thursday after I got home from work, showered and changed into a white gown and robe that made me feel sexy and confident before I took a seat in front of my computer. For the longest time I just stared at a blank e-mail before I finally took a deep breath. “Just do the damn thang,” I mumbled to myself.

  Dear Leon,

  I come to you with a humble heart to thank you for changing your mind about the house. Buying it would have been a ridiculous move on both our parts. Also, by saying no, you forced me to finally take a good look at my life, and I’ve realized you were right. How have we grown together? As painful as it is to finally admit, we haven’t. Instead, all I have been doing these last eight years is ride on your coattail. I have done nothing to stand on my own two feet. And because of it, I finally started working on fixing my credit with the money you gave me. Can you believe it? In one week I paid off every creditor I owed and disputed the debts that weren’t mine. What I can’t understand is why did it take me so long to do something that was so easy to fix? It just shows me that I depended on you too much and took our marriage for granted for so long, and I don’t blame you for finding another woman who was more deserving of your love. It’s my loss.

  I also want to apologize for my behavior all these years. I don’t care what you say, I loved you in my own selfish way, and I do know one thing for sure, no woman will ever love you the way I have. I know your habits and I know your behaviors. I love you and I will always love you and regret the mistakes that I made to pull us apart. I understand your reason for wanting a divorce, and you will not get any resistance from me. In fact I went to see a lawyer yesterday, and I was bawling so hard in her office she asked me to give it a week to think about it and come back. She would then file the papers for me. I just wanted to let you know I am trying to move forward with my life no matter how painful it is. I am hurting and will always regret the way I treated you. I hope in time you can forgive me. You will always
hold a place in my heart. I love you, and that will never change. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. I hope your girl knows she has a good man and appreciates you. You deserve it. Take care.

  I read over the e-mail twice, then walked away from it and thought about what I had written. The last thing I wanted was to sound like I was begging him to take me back. That wasn’t it. I had messed up and needed to admit my mistakes in order for me to get on in my life. But I’m not going to lie. Part of me still hoped there was a chance for the two of us.

  I read it out loud one last time, added a paragraph about taking all the money and then I clicked SEND. Immediately, I felt like a weight had been lifted. With a smile I hurried into the spare room and stuck in an old Billy Blanks tape. For the first time in weeks, I felt like working out. I kicked and punched through the entire tape, then went to the bathroom and took another shower. By the time I got out of the shower, I felt so relaxed, I slipped into a velour running suit and decided to treat myself to a steak. I was slipping on my shoes when the phone rang. I moved to my nightstand and almost choked when I looked down at the caller ID. It was Leon. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I took a deep breath and a seat on the bed, then picked up the receiver before the last ring.

  “Hello?” My voice was shaking so hard I hoped he didn’t notice.

  “Hey,” he began in that deep robust voice I missed so much. “I got your e-mail.”

  “Oh…okay. I, uh, just wanted to let you know I took the money outta the account.”

  There was a pause. “How come you never said those things to me before?”

  I leaned back on the mattress and lowered my eyelids. “I don’t know. But I had to get everything off my chest. It’s the only way I’ll ever find closure.” I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. He didn’t say anything, just waited. “I just needed to tell you I was sorry. I really needed you to know that.”