The Carrero Heart_The Journey_Arrick and Sophie

by L. T. Marshall

  ‘Thanks asshole.’ I smile back at him, trying to act normal and not let him get to me on any level, with the skills of a trained actress and completely controlled mannerisms of a girl who feels nothing anymore. It wasn’t unknown for him to refer to me as a goading me into a Carrero brother argument and them torturing me as team mates in the. I know the drill, I play along for the sake of appearances, I know he is just trying to lash back, because he’s one dumbass who clearly sulks over my ability to move on, and I am not going to let it piss me off.

  ‘To us Soph’s, you will always be that big-eyed kid who needs big brothers to take care of her.’ Jake is winking at me now, all that irresistible charm of his, wrapped up in a Hollywood perfect smile, effortlessly at ease with knowing he is hot. That devilish air of Jake, a man with a plan, and I cannot help but wonder what he is up to. He seems oblivious to his brother’s mood and not at all interested in appeasing, or scolding him.

  My eyes lift and meet Arrick’s first, my head concluding that this would always be the problem where he is concerned. His head torn between protector and brother, who long ago planted me firmly behind platonic boundaries and vowed to always keep me safe. That he will always struggle to separate that damaged little kid, who cried into his chest many times over the dark memories and nightmares with the woman I have become.

  Arrick regards me for a moment with a thoughtful expression, before turning to look out of the window, almost oblivious to those around us. I wonder if he is pondering the same thing as me, thinking of why it was such a clever idea to leave me heartbroken and alone. I wonder why his girlfriend isn’t here on this flight, she’s been to every other party in the past two years and it isn’t like him to not have her clinging to his side at family functions.

  Not that I care.

  ‘Sophie IS still a big-eyed kid, that’s what we love about her though. She’s a woman child, all vulnerable and innocent, yet fiery and passionate. The perfect girl!’ Christian is dramatically eyeing me up, all wide-eyed adoration and sultry looks that only make him seem hopelessly in love with me, and I kerb the urge to roll my eyes at him. He is laying it on a little thick and even Jenny is looking at him like he has something wrong with him. I sigh and throw her the ‘Christian is at it again’ look, she raises a brow and we exhale slowly, in unison.

  ‘I don’t know, I think she’s pretty independent. I see a strong woman who has youthful charm, but is more than capable. She is definitely a grown up.’ Jenny cuts in. Ever loyal to me, her new-found best friend, and patting my hand maternally with a soft smile. Sometimes she is the only sanity between those two, especially when Christian is off this new tangent of ‘let’s make Arry jealous!’

  ‘I think you should all find a new topic and leave Sophie alone!’ I cut in with a sigh, eyeing Christian warily with my best ‘drop it’ look. Jake is smiling my way with an infuriatingly knowing expression and lounging back casually in his seat. Arrick is slumped down beside him in the same pose, yet he isn’t giving off the same casual vibe as Jake and I just want to go back to reading until we land, and get the hell away from him. This right here is a unique type of uneasy torture; I feel uptight, antsy and anxious and overly aware of him, like my senses are on high alert and the last thing I need is a juvenile anxiety attack that he would no doubt swoop in to try and calm, because he is the one of the few who knows how to.

  Knowing him like I do, I can tell he is agitated, despite his calm demeanour and poker face. Arrick has always been the master of coolness and indifference, to even the most observant eye and it took a long time to pick up on his tiny tells; the subtle jaw tense, the slight flex of a muscle or the dead pan calm of his face, given away by the increase of green in his eyes. The little flicker of that muscle in his cheek bone or the slight dip to his brow; a million almost unnoticeable quirks that all show different emotions. Arrick, unlike Jake, is always so hard to read and never seems to erupt in the way his brother does, or wears his inner thoughts on his face in a very readable way, but I know him better. Jake has his equal share of poker face, when he wants or needs it, god knows he uses it in business a lot; but with close loved ones he wears his heart on his sleeve for all to see. Arrick does not. Arrick is pissed and he is sulking, and I do not care one iota.

  You made your bed, now lie in it.

  ‘Well as we are heading in to land, maybe we should all get ourselves together?’ Jake is back in bossy mode, nodding at the magazines strewn on the tables, the open laptop in front of Nathan who has been engrossed in something he is doing, and the array of cups and discarded junk wrappers littered among us. Dad telling the kids to tidy up his prized plane, no doubt. We all make a move to do as we are told before buckling up for descent.

  Chapter 3

  I unload my clothes from my bag into my wardrobe, alone in my bedroom while Jenny and Christian have been shown to guest rooms downstairs, after a less stressful drive from the airport. Jake had two cars waiting for us upon landing, thankfully Arrick went with his brother and Nate in the other car and left us three to head to my parents’ home in peace. My head and heart still reeling with the after effects of being so near him for that journey. I just feel drained, uptight and antsy, like I am all out of whack and I just can’t get my act together. I need some cooling off time to just breathe and accept the fact that YES, that asshole still fucks me up whether I like it or not.

  Whether he deserves it to or not!

  I’m taking some time out after being welcomed home by my mom and dad, getting my head together after seeing him again. I must admit, I need this more than I thought I would; it still hurts more than it should being around him, part of me aching for how we used to be and hating the distance between us now, despite everything. I hate how much I miss him, even still, after months of not seeing him, like time had no effect at all on the severity of my pain. Time isn’t making it easier, if anything the depth of how much I miss him only worsens, the longer it’s been. I hoped this would eventually get better, not worse, and seeing him is torture.

  I hate that I am this pathetic, that despite the pep talks, the late night tears until I fall asleep and the willingness to just hate him….. I can’t. There is too much that he did for me in my past that still lingers too close to my heart.

  He took me under his wing, introduced me to his friends and his lifestyle. He sheltered me from everyone and let me use him as a human shield whenever I needed one. He lifted my mood when I couldn’t get out of bed and he brought me movies and hugs when I was sick. Even when he left for trips or college, he never broke contact. He always came home, and I was always the first person he came to see. Always with some sort of gift from his absence, a trinket or a keepsake, or one of the ten million stuffed unicorns I own.

  Then in one fell swoop he became someone I didn’t know, who threw all that in my face and turned his back on me. I don’t get how he could have turned out to be the best thing in my life, to the absolute worst, in one fell swoop. I never thought he would be the one to deliver the blow to my heart that could completely ruin me. I guess I should have learned a long time ago, that in the end, everyone you let in ultimately hurt you. The only person you can rely on, is yourself.

  I finish hanging up my clothes and wander to my en-suite to run a bath. I need to unwind before dinner with my family, Jenny, and Christian. Leila wants to meet my besties before her party and I don’t really want to face anyone until I am more able to carry on this ruse with all of them, that me and Arry are how we have always been. No one knows, no one suspects anything, and I hope at the party it won’t be obvious that we no longer talk.

  It will break my parent’s hearts to know I have lost the one person in my life who held me together for years. I don’t want to tell them, don’t want them to hate him or feel sorry for me. I just want everyone to assume that life is normal, fine and rosy, and it’s so much easier to never bring him up when they come to the city. They all just assume we are still hanging out.

  I just want to pamper and beautify
myself for my grand entrance at my sister’s party tomorrow, show everyone how far I have come in such a brief time, and act like everything is right.

  * * *

  ‘So, you’re not dating either of them then?’ Leila looks pointedly at Christian across the table, waving her fork with that crazy narrowed gaze. Christian just smiles sassily, perched between Jenny and I at my parent’s dinner table and gives a little shrug. Everyone looking his way as dinner has started to get underway with the first bout of sisterly interrogation. We have barely had time to get our starter down our necks and she has started. Completely predictable Leila.

  ‘I know, I am a total demon, right? Two beautiful and classy women on my arm, and neither one floats my boat. Wrong sex sweetie.’ Christian raises an eyebrow and then dives into his soup, smiling like the cat who got the cream and Leila turns her attention to Jenny, looking a little unimpressed. Up until she met him face to face, I think she harboured hopes he was husband material for her problematic kid sister.

  ‘Okay… So then, your boyfriend is……?’ Leila is trying to suss out from my conversations how everyone fits together and being blatantly rude about it. Looking at Jenny as though she better answer, or the offensive fork, waving around, may be jammed in her eye.

  ‘Matt, We have been dating for almost two years. He doesn’t go to school with us, he is a chef and works in a hotel kitchen.’ Jenny blushes, hating that all eyes are on her now and getting increasingly uncomfortable. She squirms in her seat, dropping her chin to hide behind her bangs and concentrates on pushing her soup around with her spoon. I throw her a supportive smile, squeeze her shoulder and rub it a little, as if to say, ‘ignore my psycho sister.’

  This is just Leila being Leila.

  ‘And you?’ Leila is back on me, unsurprisingly. I knew she was only working her way to me as mom told her to stop singling me out when she arrived. She has been wheedling her way towards me again from that moment.

  ‘Yes Leelou?’ I throw her that ‘what now’ look that she adores…Not. I am in no way intimated by Miss Bossy Pants, and her need to demand intel at the slightest drop of a hat. I only saw her two weeks ago, nothing much has happened in such a brief time span to be interested in.

  ‘I’ll beat you if you use that name again. Still no man? Still not dating? What about that cute guy that mom said lives down the hall?’ She blinks at me seriously, clearly thinking she is somehow commanding an action just by bringing it up. I don’t even know why they are all so obsessed with me settling down with a guy, from what I have seen, they are a lot more hassle than they are worth.

  ‘Mom, really? You told Leila there was a cute guy? What are you? Twelve?’ I look at her accusingly and she just giggles innocently. My mom, who may be old as the hills now, can be incredibly girlish and juvenile at times, Joey is young enough to be her son, yet that clearly didn’t stop her checking him out.

  Ewww.

  ‘He was very cute for a young man, and he held the door for us when we were arriving. Lovely boy, said he was your neighbour.’ My mom smiles sweetly, and I catch my dad rolling his eyes in a teen girl kind of way. Luckily for her, he knows my mom is a shameless man admirer and would never do anything other than ogle. Faultlessly loyal and she does adore my father to death.

  ‘Pretty sure you probably interrogated him, much like she’s doing now. It was probably Joey and no, not dating him and don’t want to.’ I pout, going back to dunking my bread roll in my starter and stuffing my face with all the ladylike manners of an ape, Ignoring the inquisitive sisterly eyes is a good plan.

  ‘Sadly!’ Christian sighs and gives me that ‘you are completely hopeless child’ look, he has perfected from watching the little mermaid one too many times. I know he thinks it’s cute and Sebastian is currently his obsession, but, it’s plain weird.

  ‘Get your panda eyes off me. You date him if you like him so much.’ I throw my napkin at him and my father gives me the ‘behave’ look. Christian throws it back with a challenging grin. Not phased at all by my dad’s attempts at being the head of the table.

  ‘So, Sophie! How’s school?’ Daniel cuts in, being the man of the moment and saving our family from ourselves, like he always does. He puts a hand on Leila’s shoulder and gives her a little squeeze, which I know is Daniel talk for ‘lay easy on her for tonight.’ He’s about the only human in existence that can control that rabid beast, sometimes.

  Leila has been circling aggressively since I got here. I don’t know what’s with her. I hope to god she’s not pregnant again, but all the signs are there. Irrational moods and weird sporadic tears, aggressive behaviour and the questioning, like she belongs in the gestapo. If I see her eat anything with cream, then I will buy her the damn test myself. She hates cream, milk, dairy, anything like that, yet pregnant she lives on it. Biggest neon sign ever and I eye up her plate with serious doubt. Nothing creamy on show.

  If there is a god above, then please do not let her fall pregnant while I am nearby.

  It’s not that I wouldn’t like my sister to have more kids, it’s just Leila is awful when pregnant and to be fair, as a mother she is kind of terrifying. Unlike Emma with her earth momma vibe and gentle nature; Leila is like a hot mess who runs her twins to school in her pyjamas and hair rollers. She drinks way too much wine when her kids are driving her insane, and as both boys have ADHD and are the most hyper kids known to man, I can hardly blame her. She loves the convenience of microwaves and had to hire a cook to make sure they had a decent diet, yet she loves to fuel them on anything that shuts them up. Even if that’s daily soda and chips when Daniel isn’t looking. Pregnant she hates everyone, everything, breathes fire, and makes everyone suffer along with her. I don’t get how Daniel survives at all.

  ‘Good. I love it and I feel like I really have found my calling in life.’ I smile gently at him, I love Daniel. For a guy who used to be one lady killing, party boy, with a serious sex addiction, he turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to my sister and he clearly adores her. He is the calm to her wild, the serene to her crazy, and he knows just how to handle her.

  ‘She’s amazing, you should see the portfolio she is building. I think we have the next big thing on our hands.’ Jenny beams; far more comfortable in talking about others than herself, and she smiles with pride at me. She reminds me of those girl next door stereotypes in movies, who always turn out to be the cute girl at the end who gets the hot man.

  ‘I think both of you are equally talented, we work well the three of us. Different strengths, different characters and we sort of merge to make one amazing team.’ I laugh when Christian fans himself a little dramatically. Jenny laughing along with me and nudging him playfully.

  ‘But I of course, bring all the pizazz.’ He beams at us, fluttering those annoyingly dark long lashes and looking all coquettish.

  ‘True!’ Both Jenny and I say in unison and then giggle. I catch Daniel eyeing me warily, I can almost sense that little mind working away behind brown eyes. I give him an intense narrowed look and get that Daniel Hunter special smile. The ‘I know what’s going on’ cheeky glint that Leila usually hates him for.

  ‘I would love it more if you had a nice fella to come home to every night. Is Arry still keeping an eye on you? The city isn’t safe for single girls anymore Soph’s.’ Leila carries on, digging into another round of bread with relish and I seriously revisit the pregnancy thing. She isn’t normally a big eater. I catch Daniel frowning her way too and wonder if he is thinking the same thing as she demolishes her third bread roll.

  ‘I don’t need Arrick to take care of me anymore, pretty sure he has enough women to be taking care of nowadays.’ I snap a little too hastily, feel the interrogating eyes on me and curse myself at my lack of control. I need to learn not to react whenever he is the subject.

  ‘Meaning?’ Leila is full boar staring at me now. Most of the quiet chit chat around us falls away as everyone listens in with interest. I guess the sudden silence is the moment of baited breath wher
e they all sit astonished that I am no longer the puppy dog trailing Arrick Carrero.

  ‘He has a life and a woman… We just don’t see each other much now we’re both so busy.’ I lie expertly. Deflecting flawlessly with a raised brow and air of nonchalance.

  ‘But she has us, I live nearby, and Jenny is three blocks further out, and we’re never away from her side.’ Christian cuts in. Saviour that I adore and knowing how to side track the interrogator faultlessly.

  ‘It’s not like him to not be around as much? Have you two had a fight?’ Leila has her eyes on me, honed in, and scrutinising me. Almost like that little blood hound side to her paranoid personality is suddenly sniffing something out, and I steady my breath to appear unaffected.

  ‘No. Can we stop talking about him please. I’m sure I can have a life that doesn’t revolve around him, and it had to happen one day… Growing up, moving on. I can’t live in his shadow forever.’ I keep my voice deadpan, nerves steady and just concentrate on funnelling soup into my mouth carefully. Precision perfect.

  ‘Arrick’s a busy man, babes. I’m sure he is still looking out for her in every way, like he always did.’ Daniel cuts in, throwing me an unreadable look, he clearly knows full well that Arrick is no longer in my life. His choosing not to tell my sister however, baffles me. But then I guess he is just looking out for me, knowing fine well she would demand I come back home without my eternal fucking guardian. Like little Sophie is incapable of surviving in life without his ever-looming presence to make sure I don’t fuck it all up.

  Figures!