‘You lost me… You don’t get to do that anymore.’ I cry at him, pulling his hands off me and pushing him away once more, finding his touch unbearable. Pain crushing me, soul aching and guilt seeping in that I just hit him. I shouldn’t care, I shouldn’t feel anything but satisfaction, and I fight to stop the regret washing through me. Arrick stares at me for a long moment, breathing hard, seemingly un-phased by the fact I have left a small handprint on his cheek that is staring at me like some horrible arrow in the face, telling me I am a violent bitch, as bad as Leila.
What’s wrong with you?
‘I deserve that and more, Sophie; My life is nothing without you. You have no idea how many times a day I think about you, how much it eats me up every second that I made you leave me. How much I just want you back in my life, even if I only get to be friends.’ He is still sniffing back tears, making my heart ache harder and I am trying so hard to just stay together. Guilt adding itself onto the list of crazy feelings and emotions piling up in my head.
‘You didn’t make me leave you… You chose someone else and then told me to go…. There is an enormous difference. You can’t undo that.’ I throw back, my voice ravaged with raw pain and tears, losing all the resolve to stay aggressive and angry and just becoming more and more weak and childlike, reverting to fragility I rarely show. Body in defensive mode and moving back anytime he tries to step nearer, knowing I am letting him see me more vulnerable than anyone has for months and hating myself for it. He just looks like he desperately wants to grab me but is trying to keep his cool and give me my space. I know I can’t let him touch me or I will fall to pieces and give in.
‘I didn’t choose her…. I chose doing the right thing and trying to fix all of it, my heart was always with you. It still is. I just didn’t know it until you were gone that I would never be able to fix anything. I never thought about what would happen if you never let me near again Sophie. It’s killing me. I just can’t function anymore, and I can’t keep living everyday hoping that I find a way to see you again.’ He rubs his hands through his hair, wiping his face and taking deep breaths as though trying to control his own emotion and failing. Every single bit of Arrick Carrero that he is famed for has slid away into oblivion, cool and calm mannered, emotionally impassive; it’s all gone right now and I’m not sure I can handle him like this.
‘What did you think would happen? That I would stick around, and just go back to how it was? That I would play happy families with you and her?’ The manic laugh that bursts through my tears makes me realise how dumb this whole conversation is getting, we’re in the middle of our street, not concealed, and everyone can see us if they want to. I storm past him back to the garden, not even sure why and he follows close on my heels. I don’t owe him my time to even let him talk this out, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from wanting to hear what he has to say.
‘I don’t know… I figured I would fix it, have both of you and no one would get hurt. That I wouldn’t be the bad guy like my dad was when he hurt my mom with an affair. I didn’t think it through Sophie, I thought you would still need me and would still be in my life. I reacted to what happened and then I thought you needed cooling off time. I never thought you would just cut all ties with me and that we would just be over. That I would actually lose you.’ He stops when I spin on him, complete sarcasm all over my face, pure disbelief that he could be that dense.
‘I did still need you, but what was there for me in that? Why would I stay?’ I shake my head at him, step away when he reaches for me again and lift my hands as if to warn him not to touch me. My heads so screwed up, he has me crazily upside down and all messed up that I don’t know if I should be laughing, crying, raging or leaving.
‘I know…. I know that now. It’s all I have thought about for weeks. You are all I think about. I was stupid, and crazy to ever let you go, the biggest idiot ever. I miss you, so much I am going out of my mind. You have to believe that? When Jake told me you didn’t want me to contact you anymore, it almost ended me Soph’s. He told me there was maybe a guy and I didn’t know what else to do, so I stayed away as best I could. I know I fucked up, that I no longer had a right to be anything to you; I have lived with it every second of everyday for months.’ His eyes are focused on mine, still full of tears and nothing but genuine regret. It just hurts too much to see; I want to hate him so badly.
‘Missed me so much that you just let me go, right?’ I turn away, soul still crushed and tears not subsiding. Hatred and anger trying so hard to stay with me, in a mind that is starting to fall apart.
‘No! I came for you when I couldn’t handle it anymore and I saw you with Christian…. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I left. I couldn’t bear to see you happy with someone else, knowing that I literally let the best thing in my life go, when you offered me everything. You have no idea how much I regret that. I have never just stopped wanting you, you’re ingrained in my soul, you’re a part of me. I made a mistake, one that has been ruining my life ever since and if there’s even a glimmer of a chance then I’m going to jump on it.’ His voice like mine is shaky and hoarse, two souls in pain and yet I can’t stop the rage burning inside, even though a part of me is aching to forgive him. Always torn when it comes to him and exhausted with the effort of keeping this all together. I turn my back to him in a bid to give myself a little time to get control, but his warm hands slide over my shoulders making me freeze.
‘What makes you think I will even care now? That any of this means anything to me anymore?’ I shrug his hands off my shoulders and move further away so his touch won’t sway me or burn me more.
‘I have nothing else to lose…. Without you, nothing means anything anymore. I can’t just let you go again without a fight. I know you, I know when you’re hurt you push people away, and that’s what you’re doing now, so I won’t let you do it. I know it’s what I deserve. Knowing there’s no one else…. You’re meant for me, you were always meant for me Sophie.’ He pleads, tone so very soul destroying to me right now and it only makes my tears fall faster.
‘Until you think you have me and suddenly you don’t know what you want anymore, right? Or you get a case of guilt again, or cold feet. You’re just drunk… Go home. I don’t need this.’ I sob quietly.
‘I love you! I’m in love with you! Every part of me wants only you. It’s not alcohol Soph’s, it’s in me every second of every hour, every day, it never stops. Anytime I see you it only serves to remind me how badly I am suffering without you. I knew I loved you as soon as I lost you. That’s never going to change, I’m not confused about this anymore.’ His voice breaks, and I glance back to see fresh tears on his cheeks, ones which mirror mine and it only strengthens the ache inside of me. I turn on him accusingly, so much sorrow killing me inside.
‘You’re an idiot…. You had me, you couldn’t see what was in front of your face. Why would I listen now? Why would I let you have the power to cut me open again? Just go away.’ I break again, hating everything about this, everything he’s saying to me. That inner girl who feels like he is just never going to be able to fix what he did to me because he has no understanding of how deep the wounds go. I spin away again, unable to keep looking at that distraught beautiful face, knowing I can only hate him when not faced with how much I still want him.
‘I know. I have no excuses, only just how sorry I am, how much I regret all of it.’ He turns me back to him, ignoring me when I fight and shrug his hands off, he doesn’t let up, just holds on and keeps pulling me gently. I finally give in to his tugging and turn, trying not to look him in the eye.
‘Just leave me alone.’ Tears fall silently down my face, body giving up on me as everything just saps the last of my energy and makes me feel empty. I’m losing my fight, losing the fire and it’s being replaced with a broken mess of emptiness.
‘Tell me you don’t love me anymore and I will.’ Arrick breathes my way, his face crumbling to reveal a world of pain, eyes greener than I have ever
seen them, his voice broken. I glance up at him defeatedly, my own tears finding their way down my face, despite trying so hard to hate him. I have never seen him like this and for a second it calms my rage. It’s not him, it’s not who I have always relied on him being. My strong, emotionally calm rock. I hate that I have made him cry, hate seeing tears running down that flawless face.
‘Stop it.’ I plead, trying to turn away from him, pushing his hands away as he keeps returning to try and hold me again. He’s relentless, clinging to me and making it clear he won’t back down or walk away. He has that stubborn Carrero air about him and It’s only tearing down my defences. Reminding me of the boy who dragged me out of myself so many years ago, when everyone else had given up trying to break through.
‘Tell me that you no longer feel anything for me, and I’ll walk away Soph’s. I’ll leave you alone knowing that you no longer see me that way.’ He urges; I want to tell him I don’t give a shit anymore, that I don’t love him, but I can’t. I don’t want to say words that aren’t true, no matter how much he deserves them, no matter how much a part of me thinks it’s what he deserves to hear. I shake my head at him involuntarily, almost as though answering even when I am trying so hard to tell him to leave me alone.
‘Why are you doing this?’ I plead brokenly, willing him to stop torturing me.
‘Because I need to know. I need to hear you say it……. That you don’t love me anymore, in any way. I can’t risk missing even the tiniest hint of hope that I can get you back.’ His moisture filled almost green eyes penetrate mine with so much fear that it almost kills me.
‘You’re an asshole. You don’t deserve my love.’ Are the only things I can say as the gulf of tears open up again and I end up sobbing in front of him, crumbling inside at where we are and how we got here. So much pain I have been bottling up for months that I refused to let out for fear it would never stop. I close my eyes and cover my face with my palms, feeling him come around me as he pulls me into an embrace, his arms tightening around my waist and shoulders, his face finding way to bury itself in my neck. He almost squeezes the life out of me with a hug so strong I almost can’t breathe
‘I’m sorry. You’re right, I am an asshole Sophie, and so much more. I am just so fucking sorry for what I did. There are no words to tell you just how sorry I am. How much I regret every second of this. I love you.’ Arrick grips me tighter when I try to push him away, crying hard, unable to stop it and unable to fight the grip on me. He isn’t letting me go, no matter how hard I push, and it just exhausts me to try. I can feel wetness from his face against my neck, and the way he is breathing shallowly tells me he is as emotional as me. Crying against each other for the pain caused by each other. It’s ridiculous.
Why did you have to tell me you loved me now? Why not months ago before you ruined me?
‘Don’t do this to me.’ I plead softly, unable to gain control of my weeping, breaking apart in his arms, unable to control the fight of fire and sorrow and losing my battle. Arrick lifts his face to mine, pressing his forehead to me, pulling me so I can’t look anywhere but at him, through a haze of blurry tears. Every ounce of my battle armour is sliding away, weakening and leaving me exposed.
‘I need you…. I want you back Sophie. I’m a mess without you. I love you so much that I literally can’t breathe anymore, and I want to be worthy of your heart again. I won’t stop trying to put the pieces back together, if you just let me.’ He sounds equally fragile, begging me almost and I really do not know how to react. I’m torn to a million pieces, fighting an internal battle of fear, hurt and confusion.
‘You hurt me! You broke me, and then you left me alone.’ Is the only thing I can whisper out, accusingly, crying not subsiding; his thumb comes to brush my face and I impulsively push it away. He doesn’t break his hold, just brings his hand back and tries again, this time I don’t bite back and let him wipe some of the tears away, closing my eyes at his familiar touch and hating that it still feels so right on my skin.
‘I know baby. I hate myself for every part of that. I’ll never hurt you again, I’ll never leave you alone again, I swear. Just give me a chance please, let me fix this. Let me try Sophie. I will literally do anything. I love you. I really, really, love you. In the way you loved me. An all-consuming, lost to everything but you, kind of way, that I will never recover from. I don’t want to recover from it.’ He begs softly. I keep my eyes closed to block him out, try so hard to reign in control of everything letting loose. Unable to think straight when he is all around me, consuming me. I don’t have anything left inside of me… Emptiness, excruciating pain coursing through my stomach and churning me up inside.
‘I hate you.’ I sob brokenly with no real conviction, as though I was saying it to him after a stupid squabble or idiot thing he had done in the past. The way it comes out just sounds so childish and Sophie of old.
‘I know you do.’ He whispers softly, tilting my face to him with little resistance and leans his forehead against mine, testing to see if I am going to push him away again, but I know I am weakening. He was always the only one who got through my pain and helped me get past it, even though he’s the cause, I just want him to make it all stop. I want him to pull me from the dark and find the light once more, just wipe away the pain like he has done so many times in the past.
His mouth finds mine softly, cautiously; his lips warm and soft as they meet tear drenched skin. His nose coming to nestle beside mine as he presses us together, my body held tight in his embrace, and this time I do not react with rage. I let him kiss me, softly, slowly, finding my mouth and lips opening to him despite every voice in my head telling me to push him away. I am so confused as to what I want right now. He feels like my dreams, his kiss holding the possibility to push away so much pain and I just want to stop hurting. I’m lightheaded from the amount of emotional turmoil racking my body and still swaying from being too drunk, nothing in this seems like a bad idea anymore and I let myself go.
His hand finds its way to my neck, cupping gently, fingers sliding into my hair, he manoeuvres so his body is around me more, his height lower as he tries to get every single part of him in contact with my body. Holding me against his mouth so the kiss neither stops nor progresses. It’s like he is just breathing every part of me in, holding me here to imprint me to memory and I break. So lost to how it feels to be back in his safe embrace, every familiar thing about him surrounding me and begging me to give him a chance. I have always been defenceless when it comes to him and yielding is like breathing when he is the one asking for it.
I melt into him, my mind a whirring mass of confusion and fear and my own will telling me to push him away, but I can’t. Arrick is my weakness, all fight and anger dissipating as his hands come around my face, cradling me closer and teasing my lips open with his own. I surrender to the soft warm sensation of the most perfect kiss I could ever imagine, my own hands sliding around his neck as something inside of me ignites and I kiss him back more surely.
Arrick seems to take my surrender as a sign to let go, pushing my mouth open with his and caressing my tongue with his, the fire between us spiking and moving into almost immediate fever from nowhere; fuelled by everything we have just brought to the surface. We both cling to one another, kissing passionately, moving into something more satisfying and mouths moving in unison.
The arms around my waist tighten as he pulls me up against him and off my feet, my own arms and hands wrapped around that strong neck and wide shoulders, tangling my fingers in his shirt collar and trailing nails up the short-cropped hair at the back of his neck as I lift my heels up behind me in mid-air. Losing myself in him this way is the only thing I want to focus on, a break from my heartbreak and whirring emotions. I just feel consumed in a hunger that is obliterating everything else and I don’t want it to stop.
We are both panting, kissing hard, when I feel the hard, stone wall, against my back as he presses his body against me, having backed me into the wall of the house and it seem
s to let loose the animal in me without warning, as though every thought and objection dissipates and all I can feel is burning desire engulfing me. My hands rip at his bow tie and push his buttons open at his neck, discarding it with no cares as to where it lands. Arrick moves from my mouth to my neck, trailing sucks and kisses along my throat and sending my fever pitch sky high as I angle to let him have full access, weakening physically to the burning touch of his mouth on my throat. My legs have found their way to slide around his waist of their own accord and my dress is riding high so that I am pressed fully to him. Arricks hands holding me up under my thighs and his body presses me flat against the wall, concealed by garden shrubs. His body feels so good, his mouth scorching me to fever pitch and the aching burn between my thighs is pushing all my demon buttons as I claw at his shoulders in a bid to push his jacket off.
A car passing close by alerts us to the realisation we are still outside, snapping attention back to reality as he drops me back on my feet, headlights skim above our heads over the bushes as he stands in front of me to conceal me from anyone who may be nearby. Arrick doesn’t say anything, breathing hard and lingering close to my mouth, his pupils huge with sheer lust and mouth poised ready to kiss me again. I feel my dress slide back down around my thighs, but he is still holding onto me, just staring at one another for a long breathless moment. I just stare at the mouth I want back on me, the way he feels against me and ignore the voices trying to break through this haze of lust.
‘I want you, more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. All of you…. You already have all of me, baby, let me show you just how much I want you.’ Arricks voice has found some strength again, all thoughts of talking this out, fixing mistakes made, pushed aside in the face of unbridled hunger. We’re both too fuelled by champagne, burning with fire to think beyond the physical. I nod, completely unable to formulate words anymore as desire consumes me. Willing to follow him anywhere as long as his body is the reward.
The Carrero Heart_The Journey_Arrick and Sophie Page 8