The Carrero Heart_The Journey_Arrick and Sophie

by L. T. Marshall

  ‘You can yell at me for this later, but needs must. I’m not doing this in the street Soph’s.’ Arrick steps in front of me, confusing me to what the hell he means and then shocks me by bending down and throwing me over his shoulder. I start protesting right away, wriggling and fighting him, trying to haul myself off and slapping at his shoulder and back, but he just ups and starts carrying me towards my parents’ house. Steadily sure he has a right and marches me to the door in easy strides. Not stopping to knock, he opens the door and immediately starts heading for my room via the sweeping stair to our left.

  ‘Put me down you asshole. I hate you so much right now. You have no right to even do this to me. Put me fucking down!!’ I yell at him, okay, scream more likes, catching sight of my mum walking across the hall and looking our way; she seems as confused as I am, takes in the fact I am wearing last night’s dress and no shoes and then turns and walks off. I almost shout after her in complete angry rage.

  Thanks mom…Real fucking help.

  ‘I’ll put you down in your room, you can go crazy at me there, but we are talking privately. Not out there.’ Arrick doesn’t sound anything except normal right now, even with me wriggling and fighting to get put down and his stubborn strong hold, keeping me captive.

  ‘FUCK YOU!’ I yell louder as we get up the stairs and closer to my bedroom, he doesn’t respond, just carries me in, turns and shuts the door and locks it before sliding me to my feet and making a move to get out of my way fast. Obviously expects a retaliation and for once he isn’t as dumb as he seems.

  I lash out like a hell cat who has just been released from a cage, flying for him in full fury as he dodges me, darting backwards on infuriating fast feet and keeps dancing around out of my way, a hand out on my head to keep me at a distance and dodges every swing and kick I aim at him.

  ‘I hate you!’ I scream in rage, tears dried up and fury in place, getting frustrated at him that I can’t maim him in anyway. Aiming slaps and flying hands at him, getting psychotic as hell. I pull his hand off my head and storm to the nearest set of shelves. I pick up the nearest object, which is small a trinket of a fairy on a tree stump and throw it at his head in sheer rage. Arrick ducks, whizzing past his head at speed, smashing on the wall behind in an anti climatic end and he just stops to smile at me, a wicked glint in his eye and maybe a little amusement.

  ‘I knew you were going to be mad, but Jesus Sophie…’ He ducks again as another figurine flies his way. Looking less smug as he realises I am standing beside more than three dozen potential missiles, getting bigger in size and I intend to use every one.

  This time he dashes forward grabbing me, trying to hold my arms behind my back as I aim for him with bites instead, legs moving to kick at him, lost in the rage he’s caused. Crazily explosive and looking to just hurt him an ounce of what he’s done to me in the past months and not caring if I feel guilty about this later; it will be worth it. Months of pent up emotion coming out in one psychotic turn unleashed. Arrick blocks my legs, bends down and stops me with a kiss.

  Pushing his mouth to mine, kissing me with intention and cooling my jets completely. It’s not a passionate, tongue caressing kiss but it hits the mark and renders me mute in the blink of an eye. Calming the tidal wave of rage and making me surrender to him on every level with minimal effort and I hate that he just suckered me this way and exposed a severe Achilles heel. Finally, he pulls free and looks at me for a long moment.

  ‘I’ll let your arms go if you promise to calm down and hear me out.’ He looks at me imploringly and despite myself, sticking up my chin in defiance, I nod. My heart hammering from exertion, my brain trying to take control, but I am so spent; the exhaustive outburst has just taken what little energy I had left in me and another bout of attack won’t be effective in anyway.

  ‘Fine.’ I pull my arms across my chest again as he releases me, looking away and taking on a stubborn and angry pose, when really, I am scared that he’s just going to deliver another blow to my wounded soul. Arrick moves back to give me space, moving to my bed and sits down, breathing a little excessively and still looking completely shattered too. He pats the space beside him, looking my way but I only scowl at him and meet a resigned frown.

  ‘I love you….. I am in love with you. I fucked up, screwed everything up because I was scared and stupid as shit. I made the wrong choice, a lot of wrong choices concerning you because of how much I thought I would lose, and I have spent every second since, regretting it Sophie. I lost the only thing which ever mattered to me in all of it. You have to believe that. I meant all of it.’ Arrick stands up again, obviously hating that I am still standing here like a statue. I feel anger brimming inside as he gets closer to me and turn on him aggressively again before he can lay another hand on me.

  ‘Why should I believe you? Where were you…. Three fucking months since you asked me to leave your apartment…Where the fuck were you?’ I yell at him, tears finding a fresh wave and rolling down my face, even when I thought I had no more tears left to fall. He reaches for me impulsively, but I just step back away from him and pull myself away into a tight huddle, wrapping my arms tighter around myself. He pauses and waits, realising I am on the severe defensive and touch will only make me worse. He looks at me, so fully focused on my eyes, so many emotions on his face it’s weird to see, the cool and calm poker face is gone and instead a guy who is seriously struggling to stay in control.

  ‘I came for you. I did; I swear. Four weeks after you left, when I realised just how badly I had ruined all of our lives Sophie, like I told you. When I couldn’t function anymore with not seeing you. I came to try and do this then.’ He reaches for me again and clenches his fist, pulling it back in frustration at not being able to touch me, but I just keep glaring at him coldly. My heart so torn, so many things he has to answer for still, so much my heart and head want to hear before I can even contemplate if I can ever forgive him.

  Like why she is even here if she is nothing to him?

  ‘And?’ I snap… not understanding why he’s saying he came when he clearly didn’t. I would have seen him, spoken to him, maybe even been able to forgive him if he had. I had not seen or heard from him at all, in all that time.

  ‘I saw you with Christian, outside your apartment. I didn’t know he was gay, and to me it looked like you had found someone else, you looked happy. I knew I didn’t have a right to fuck any of that up for you, even if I was there to try and get you back. Jake already told me that you didn’t want me near you anymore, I didn’t know how to react.’ Arrick turns away and back again like he has too much energy inside of him buzzing about and needs to release it. I just keep glaring at him, so unwilling to let him past my wall and hurt me again, afraid to take anything he is saying at face value while I know she is sat in his parents’ house across the road.

  ‘So Natasha left you, and you came after your second choice? Yet because I wasn’t alone, you just gave up so easily.’ I turn my back on him and go off looking for a box of tissues, trying so hard to keep the tears at bay and failing. I am bristling with so much right now that I cannot even dissect how I really feel about anything he is saying.

  ‘No. She would still be trying right now to claw back what we had, if I let her…She wanted to keep trying, she wanted to fix it and go back to how we were. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay with her. You were never the second choice…. You have always been the one for me, even when I couldn’t see it. I just felt like I had severed half of my soul and had nothing left to be happy about…… I never gave up, I saw you happy with him and knew you deserved that more than I deserved you. I screwed it up, I wasn’t about to fuck up your life again; I only ever wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.’ His answer makes me stop, holding my breath, a strange calmness overtaking me at last and I wonder if my seriously broken wall of defensiveness has finally come into play.

  ‘Go on.’ I turn back to him and frown his way, watching as his eyes stay on me wherever I go. Impulsively wi
ping away my tears not that they have stopped flowing and watch him warily. Strangely surreal and numb inside.

  ‘I couldn’t exactly make her forgive me for something I don’t even regret, and there was no way in hell I could stay with her when all I wanted was you. I was pining for you, every second that I was around her; all I thought about was you. This constant weight in my chest has been a reminder every second that I’m nothing without you Soph’s.’ Arrick swallows hard, his eyes glazing over and clutching his heart for dramatic effect.

  ‘You are my biggest mistake Sophie… Letting you go was the single stupidest thing I have ever done in my life; failing to see what you are to me. How much I need you.’ Arrick bites on his bottom lip and swallows hard, curbing his own fragile emotions and sighs heavily. Watching me like a hawk as though looking away will sever any chance he has with me.

  Emotion hits me hard again tears prickling my eyes as my heart constricts, and I lose that relieving sense of nothing that was all too fleeting. I can’t look at him, turning away as more tears make their way down my face and curse this stupidity. I know I am still drunk and half of this reaction is because of that, and my emotional exhaustion. Trying so hard to stay strong, but he is saying everything I ever wanted to hear, breaking me apart in so many ways that I can’ stay strong. I just turn back to stare back at him, unable to say anything while my heads this much of a wreck. Arrick sees my silence as a reason to keep talking, closing the gap a little between us.

  ‘I don’t deserve you… But I am going to fight for you in every way I can; do anything to be the guy who deserves you again.’ I turn away from him when I can’t control my tears anymore, not wanting him to see how badly this is ripping me apart as he gets closer, afraid to let him in. I feel him come up behind me, unable to stop the tears even when I feel his hands on my shoulders and my traitorous body sags back against him.

  ‘She’s only here because she needs a friend. After I broke up with her, her dad was diagnosed with cancer…He’s dying Sophie, and she’s a mess, I couldn’t just cut her off. I’m not that guy, I never have been, and I can’t be cruel to someone who never deserved any of this. She knows we’re over, she knows it’s because I’m in love with you…. She knows that we’re not getting back together, even if I never get you back….. I asked her to come here and see my family this weekend, to get her away from the city and her problems. I never thought anything would happen with you and waking up to the realisation she was arriving while we were together, in bed…. I didn’t know how the hell to handle it. That’s what the ‘fuck’ was all about. Not that you were beside me; that realisation was pretty much the happiest moment in my life.’ Arrick sounds tired, hell I’m tired. I don’t know what to think or feel and I just can’t seem to get a handle on my emotions or this dumb crying. He turns me to him and cups my shoulders gently, bringing my face to his so we’re mere millimetres apart and looking equally lost in this moment. Two people so afraid of one another right now, him in case I reject him, and me incase letting him in kills me.

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’ I finally sniff, sighing as he slides them down my arms slowly, sending a million goosebumps in their wake and just looks at me with unconcealed adoration now I am both calm again and no longer staring at him with unconcealed hate.

  ‘That you want to try with me…. Just give me a chance. That’s all I am asking for. A chance to be with you…It’s what I want more than anything in the world.’ Arricks eyes come to mine, so uncertain and for the first time I see real fear in him. Something I never ever thought I would see in him, ever. That I could hold the power to wounding him the way he wounded me and for a moment I am not sure I want that responsibility while my head still so messy.

  His phone rings in his back pocket breaking the moment, he pulls it out, frowns at the screen and slides it back with a heavy sigh that signals ‘please not this, right now’, but before it goes I catch sight of her name on the screen. Guilt and decency hitting me in the gut and knowing I should be the better person for once. I may be sobbing in his arms about what he’s done, but she’s sat alone in his family’s home, breaking her heart over more than just him.

  ‘Answer it…. You can’t leave her sitting over there indefinitely.’ I move away from him to give him room, but he only follows me when I make my way to the bathroom door.

  ‘You matter more right now. I’m not leaving you…Not when I have only just got back near you.’ His eyes rest on mine, a look of complete honesty, his hand coming to stroke my cheek with his fingertips and he seems to devour every single inch of me with his eyes. I swallow down the emotions and cup his hand in mine reassuringly, pulling it away gently with a need to have some head space right now. I need a little alone time to let all this filter in.

  ‘Answer the phone, at least tell her you will come over soon, or something.’ I look away from him, hating that she’s there, but hating knowing she is probably alone with her pain. Knowing why he is here with me, if she knows how he feels. That can of weird worms concerning her and how I feel about her, rising once again to confuse the shit out of me.

  Arrick hesitates, looks at me for some sort of reassurance that it’s really okay, and kisses me on the forehead lightly. An old affection that knocks me off kilter, another sweep of threatening tears which only reinforces the fact I need space from him to think. He looks at me a little nervously, then answers the phone when it starts to ring again, all the while staring right at me with apprehension.

  ‘Hey……..Yeah I am.’ He frowns at me, then turns and walks off towards my window and looks outside, obviously feeling hugely uncomfortable now he has answered it in front of me and giving us both space in this moment.

  ‘I’m sorry Tash….. I never thought this would happen, you know I haven’t seen her.’ He sounds agitated, yet remorseful; that cool tone coming through now and I watch him for a second, letting all my feelings bubble together for a moment, part of me grateful that he isn’t hiding the call or what he’s saying from me. He could have left my room for privacy but chose this. There’s a long pause as he sighs again.

  ‘That will probably be for the best. I’m sorry it happened this way.….. Don’t ask me that, I won’t tell you either way……….. Yes, I’m still with her now.’ He leans against the window, sighing so he casts breath down the glass then draws in the cloudy space while listening. I smile softly, stupidly, when I see him write an S absentmindedly and draw a heart around it like some love-struck teen and then lets it fade away, oblivious to the fact I can see him doing it. It warms my insides a little, because I know he really isn’t trying to be cheesy, it was impulsive while he was distracted, and for a moment I believe that he means everything he keeps saying. Maybe, they are more than fast words to win me around.

  I can’t help but watch and listen, my head all over the place concerning him and I realise I am still standing in my crushed dress, last night’s make up and probably have looked a lot better. I need some space from him like I intended, some time to get my emotions in check and let all of this sink in for a few minutes and just be still.

  I walk off towards my bathroom and catch him looking my way with a half-smile on his face and a warm look that translates so much. He looks like a guy whose found his long lost something and can’t believe his luck. It just makes me feel heavy inside, so much laying on my head right now. I turn and point towards the shower and get a nod in return, needing the space to get my head together, needing to leave him to do whatever it is he is going to do while I figure out if I can really let him back in.

  Chapter 7

  Wrapped in a fluffy robe after a hot shower, I stare at my clean face in the bathroom mirror, it’s tear stained and pale. I downed some pain killers before I got in here, in a bid to combat the beginning of a hangover and just feel completely wiped out. I don’t even know if he is still in my room, or if he has gone to see Natasha, and I am not sure how I feel either way. I just feel crazily disconnected inside, that none of this is real and no closer to
decision at all.

  I still love him, I can’t deny that; last night was incredibly stupid and most likely alcohol fuelled. The during was not exactly how I thought it would be, but then, part of me knows it’s because I no longer trust him like I once did. He hurt me in ways that really screwed my head up and last night just proved I no longer felt secure to let him have access to every part of me.

  A combination of emotional turmoil, anger, drunkenness and the first time I ever attempted sex with anyone. It’s no wonder my head went into meltdown, and my lip is sore this morning from the way I bit it. I still can’t really remember where I went or what I did, but I am guessing I probably freaked out. Like I used to do years ago, and he calmed me down, the way he always did. I don’t even know how to broach what we did last night. He’s probably wondering what the point is in chasing a girl who can’t even have sex with him.

  Not that I would blame him.

  Pulling myself together, I head out into my room, pulling my robe tight and preparing myself for the empty space that will probably await me. Even I know he wouldn’t just leave her sitting over the road indefinitely, especially while I spent thirty minutes in the bathroom avoiding him to get my head straight. He’s too considerate at times, too caring about her, even though they are no longer together.

  I want him, yet I don’t. I’m terrified of letting him back in to hurt me, especially with her still hanging around, but I miss him like crazy and I know I still need him. With him gone there’s hope of one day never feeling anything again, but I know I will probably never find anyone else who just gets me the way he always did, the way he does. I am so confused about what I want. This isn’t how it was supposed to be, and right now I don’t exactly feel sure that he even really means any of it anyway. I’ve lost faith in him and it’s bumped my self-esteem into submission, leaving me feeling insecure and torn. Not sure why I don’t believe him, only that maybe I am scared too, and all of this will fall around my head like it did before. Afraid to hope.