I wander out, looking down at my robe as I tie it, sighing at the silence of my room and realising he’s no longer at the window or even anywhere in the space in front of me. I turn to face my wardrobe and jump with fright as I see him laid out on my bed, watching me.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.’ He rises up to a sitting position, looking exhausted and not the usual pulled together Arrick that I know. He’s still in the same clothes, looking rumpled and unshaven so it’s clear he never left the room while I took an age in there. For him to show these many signs of tiredness, means it must be bad and I feel guilty for a second.
‘I thought you would have gone?’ I try to keep the pain out of my voice, but my words came out hoarse and shaky. Walking away from him towards the unit across my room where I keep underwear, in a bid to get away from him and hide the fact that a shower hasn’t helped me figure anything out at all.
‘Everything I want is here.’ He says quietly. I pause, ears picking up yet still afraid to just tell him that maybe I want him too. That maybe I want to see if this can work. Somehow admitting any of it is just opening myself up to him fucking me over again and I am so not ready to do that.
‘Natasha must be pretty lonesome by now?’ I look at him emptily, not sure if I am trying to start a fight or still push him away instead of an answer, he sighs and slides off the bed to his feet to walk towards me, my body stiffening as I anticipate his getting closer. Tensing before his touch gets to me as I know it will only weaken me more.
‘She is going back to the city… I’ll talk to her when we go home, there’s not much I could say.’ Arrick looks pained, clearly hating that he is hurting her still, but obviously certain about where he needs or wants to be. That tug in my stomach aches a little more and my confusion only deepens.
‘So what now?’ I blink up at him as he closes the gap between us, brushing tendrils of damp hair from my cheek and looking at me with such tired eyes.
‘That’s up to you baby. I told you what I want, I just need to know if you want to try.’ Arrick swallows noticeably, fingers tracing my cheek, eyes glued to mine for any hint of an answer in my face. Clearly nervous; I can almost feel his heart rate through his chest, his slightly laboured breathing. He mirrors me in every way, the fear the uncertainty that this person who holds your heart, also holds the key to destroying it.
‘Don’t think you can just win me over with some fast words and kisses, after everything. Don’t think last night is not an issue either.’ I look away stubbornly, catching the smile forming on his face as I do so. Something about my response obviously tells him that he has more chance than he thought he did.
‘Drunk fucking you was not exactly my shining moment Sophie. You should have told me that you had never…… We didn’t even think about a condom.’ Arrick frowns down at me, concern etched on his face but all I can focus on is the fact that he doesn’t seem to care that sex was a complete failure. He’s still trying to get me back despite it.
What’s wrong with him?
‘I’m on the contraceptive injection for my period pain, so you can strike that off your list of worries.’ I say numbly, brain a mass of jumbled words, tetchy and bristling with agitation.
‘I guess that’s a relief…. And I am pretty sure neither of us has anything else to pass over. I have never had unprotected sex with anyone else and you clearly haven’t been near anyone.’ He brushes back hair from my face again and frowns harder as he sees my expression.
‘Why are you acting like last night wasn’t a failure?’ I bite suddenly, frustrated and upset, head reverting to chaos, pushing his hands off me as that itchy, don’t touch me feeling takes over my skin. I just feel irritated so suddenly, because I am mad at myself and my inability to be normal.
‘Because it isn’t…. You think I don’t realise that you don’t trust me anymore? That it plays a huge part in what happened. I never intended to get you naked and in bed, but it happened, and it was obvious that you aren’t ready for that. I have a whole lot of grovelling to do before I get back your trust, to touch you that way……I don’t care if it takes ten years Sophie. It’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I love you and life without you beside me is pretty fucking desolate. I want you, in any way I can get you. Even if that means we never have sex, ever again.’ Arricks voice breaks a little, his eyes misting again as he pulls me back to him, stroking my face and plants a kiss on my forehead, softly, staying against me for a long moment, somehow cooling the wounded pride inside of me.
‘Why do you want someone that is broken?’ I look away from him as tears fill my eyes, unable to really feel comfortable with showing him my vulnerability right now but can’t stop it. Exhaustion is making me overly emotional and I could use sleep. I don’t feel the same way around him that he used to make me feel and I know it’s going to take time to get that sort of comfiness and dependency back.
‘You’re not broken … You just require a different kind of handling, understanding. You’re like a specially shaped puzzle piece that needs the right slot to fit into.’ Arrick reaches down and takes my hand, pulling my fingers to his chest and presses my palm over his heart with a look of complete concentration on that perfectly furrowed brow. His eyes are a soft hazel and he just looks content for once.
‘This slot…. A perfect fit.’ He sounds strained, struggling to keep his voice steady, equally emotional and obviously trying so hard to reassure me that I am what he wants. I look at him as another stray tear rolls down my face. I feel myself falling to pieces inside, a tiny crumbling of that wall, yet nothing but fear consumes me.
‘Give me a shot….. Just a chance to undo what I did, to make this right. I know I can make you happy. No one knows you like I do, pretty sure no other guy in the world is as crazily in love with you as I am, or ever will be. You’re the other part of me, two halves of a whole.’ Arrick slides his arms around my waist and pulls me to him, meeting no resistance and butting me right up against him so every part of our bodies mould as one and I have no option but to look him in the eye.
‘Maybe Christian?’ I smirk through my tears, looking at his chest to avoid the way he’s gazing at me with complete infatuation. It’s what I wanted and yet now it’s unnerving me, because I should feel surer than I do if this is the road to happy ever after, all I feel is doubt and apprehension.
‘He was so close to getting a beating about fifty times. I swear if he didn’t turn out to be gay then I probably would have broken bones to feel better.’ Arrick half smiles too, pulls my face to his and leans in cautiously. Seeing no resistance, he bridges the gap and kisses me softly, lips meeting gently and slowly kisses me. I kiss him back, arms finding a way around his neck of their own accord and opening myself to him, lips parting and responding to the sweetest kiss I have ever known. I’m letting my instincts take control in a bid to just find my way as my head really isn’t doing that great a job.
I finally break away and push him away gently, aware that I am no longer ready to give all in anymore, a part of me is guarded and unwilling to give him too much…He has a lot to prove to get back into my heart and my head fully.
'I need to get dressed. Give me a few minutes.' I smile softly at him, pulling away to create space and pulling my robe tighter around me like a protective shield. Arry watches me with a serious expression and a hint of understanding before he sighs and waves me away.
'Take your time, I need to lay down and just stop this room spinning for like five minutes or I will be no good to anyone.' Arrick moves back to my bed and lets himself slump ungracefully on top of my white unused comforter, pushing pink fluffy cushions aside as he wriggles in to get comfy, making it clear he has no intention of leaving me. I frown but also find myself smiling unintentionally. The man who has been absent for months now seems incapable of leaving me be for even minutes and I guess in a way it’s what I need. I want this from him right now, being left alone will only give me time to convince myself to tell him to walk away and maybe
my pride shouldn’t be so fast to dismiss this.
I turn to my walk-in closet and head towards it once more, to start to get dressed quickly, pulling on a short jersey dress and leggings. I stand staring at my shoulder length blonde hair and big bright blue eyes, no longer seeing a child looking back from my makeup free face. In the last few months I seemed to have aged a little, maybe it’s fatigue and my hangover, but I definitely do not look as childish as I did. Maybe it’s my hair, or the slight weight I lost from not eating properly when I was living in heartbreak, or maybe real turmoil adds years to a girl. Or maybe it was from last night and taking steps onto the path to sex, something in me has changed.
Emerging I realise his breathing has become deeper and slower as though he is asleep, and I hesitate about disturbing him; not sure if I should or just leave him be and eat downstairs, because my stomach is practically assaulting me from hunger pangs. I walk around the side of the bed to where his face is exposed and catch him looking at me, fully wide awake and seemingly lost in thought.
'Hey.' Arrick sits up before pulling himself from the bed, sliding down to stand beside me and towering above me while I am still barefoot. He leans in and kisses me delicately on the forehead. Coming so close without physically touching me, still aware that he doesn’t really have the right just yet. An unspoken rule that he knows that touching is a privilege and not a right anymore.
'Hey.' I smile shyly. Trying to just look at those perfect soft eyes and not let my head run a hundred miles an hour again with all the craziness still mashed up in there.
'I was just thinking about you, about us.' He reaches out and strokes back a single strand of hair from my eyebrow lightly, letting his fingers run down my cheek tenderly when he moves it and then leans in to rest his forehead against mine.
‘And?’ I frown up at him. Trying not to go weak at the knees with his touch, resolve weakening with every moment I am around him, despite myself.
‘I think we should go get breakfast and maybe find your friends and Nate and just let this lie for now. I can only start proving that I mean everything I say with actions…. You don’t owe me an answer baby, not until I prove things to you. I’m not going to pressure you, just be around if you want me to be.' He gives me that cute boy half smile with full dimples and I can’t stop myself from doing it back; it’s infectious when he looks this way. I feel like he is lifting all pressure from me in one swift move and suddenly I feel more able to take a breath and really relax.
‘Sounds like a good plan to me. I need time Arry…… and I am pretty hungry.’ I can’t seem to look at him for long, shyness crippling me, awkwardness that I can’t understand, and I hope that it’s down to just being overly emotionally tired. Maybe it’s the months of separation as surely, I can’t be this shy with a guy who had his mouth between my legs last night and very clearly made me climax. I still cannot get that memory out of my head when I glance at that perfect mouth and wonder how the hell he could be so gifted as well as so completely hot. My mind makes my inner body heat up a little surprisingly and I cough to clear the sudden urges that hit me low down, feeling inappropriate suddenly.
'Food was always the way into your heart Mimmo. I am in no fit state to drive, so we're walking. How about Nancie's? You used to be obsessed with her waffles? I’ll call Nate and you can track down your two.' He moves back to give me space, less obviously awkward than me, but I can sense his apprehension around acting normal with me. It’s like we are both play pretending that we are okay, and everything is fine, yet we’re both walking on eggshells and being weirdly abnormal.
Nancie's is a nearby little bistro we frequented over the years. It started as an ice cream and sundaes parlour and moved into breakfasts and brunches in later years. Arry used to take me there on whim, anytime I craved their food and he always knew it would cheer me up no matter what. I can’t deny he’s working his way back in without really trying, knowing me like he does gives him an arsenal of advantages.
'I would kill for a banana and blueberry waffle, smothered in pecan syrup.’ I can already feel my mouth watering, glad of the distraction, glad that I do not need to think about him or me right now or where this is going to go. Just focus on the food, getting fed, maybe some sleep after to just let my head catch up on its own.
‘How did I know you would order that? Whatever my girl wants. I just need to grab my wallet from the house and tell my mom we're going out for food. We better find the rest of them.' He lets me go and hesitates before taking my hand in his gently, the small pause as he waits for me to pull away, but I don’t. I let him interlace our fingers and throw him a soft look that I hope portrays the fact that I don’t actually hate him.
Chapter 8
Arrick reappears after fifteen long minutes from his parents’ house while I wait outside after texting Jenny and Christian, telling them to meet us here, perched against the wall and picking petals from a daisy in my hand. Both responded and are apparently on their way to find me after having to quickly explain why I was even with him without too many details.
'You were an age.' I say softly as he slides his hand in mine and pulls me close to kiss me softly on the cheek. I am more aware that he is being cautious about throwing kisses on me, although he seems sure his hand holding won’t be rejected now; sensing that he shouldn’t just yet kiss me on the mouth whenever he feels like it. Even though I am here with him there is an unspoken uneasiness, he knows we are not okay yet and I know it too. It will take time, I don’t even know if I want this yet, it just feels so surreal and different and I need a little adjustment period to feel like this is happening.
'My mom wanted words about Natasha's appearance and swift exit. She sort of loves the girl and wasn't too impressed with me.' Arrick looks back at the house, almost warily checking if she is watching. He just looks guilty of some heinous crime and the flicker of regret in his eye makes me feel bad too. I look up at his house and sigh heavily, the weight of so much upon me today and I just want a moment of lightness for like five seconds today.
'I didn't tell her about us just yet, she would go mad if she knew I dropped my girlfriend of two years to then jump into another relationship, especially when she’s majorly protective over you, and I can't say I blame her. On paper it's the asshole of all moves on my part. Besides… I know that you haven’t exactly agreed to anything, so there isn’t much to tell her yet.' He pulls me close to him and smooths a hand over my hair which has been flying around my face and irritating me. I frown up at the little dip between his brows and throw him a sympathetic look that only emphasises my inability to give him the answer he wants, feeling frustrated that I really don’t know.
'I know you, you're not the kind of asshole to just dump someone on a whim and move on without caring. They will know it too.' I smile softly, knowing I bypassed the end of what he said, just not ready to commit to anything. I just like his plan of not focusing on it just yet and getting through this day normally, well as normal as Arrick trying to kiss me and cuddle up every ten minutes can get.
‘I feel guilty…. Even more so learning about her dad just after I ended things. I know I should have made a clean break, but I couldn’t. It would have just made me feel even shittier about what I did to her.'
We both regard each other quietly. A silent agreement that it is just the shittiest of things to do to someone in any case.
'I never liked her you know? It wasn't her. It was what she was to you, and now.... I just feel sorry for her I guess.' I shrug and put some space between us again, still bristly where she is concerned and not feeling like I want his body heat touching mine when she is the topic. I get that same pang of ache in my stomach from just her name alone, that I have done for months now. Arrick watches me move around, his expression guarded and giving nothing away, but his eyes are calmly hazel and he seems more relaxed in himself.
'That's because you are not an asshole either, and despite your stroppy ass moods and impulsive attitude at times; you're a sweetheart with a
lot of love inside of you Soph's. Natasha will get over this, maybe she will even accept us eventually. I just hope she finds her happy ever after with a guy who deserves her.' He reaches out to me and lifts my hand, kisses my fingers gently, putting it back down so they hang between us in the distance I created but doesn’t let me go. His focus on me steadily and I can’t deny the way he looks at me sends my insides into a crazy swirl of tingles and butterflies. In one look alone, he translates that he loves me, and I don’t know how to react.
I watch him for a second, a little enamoured with the face I have known and trusted forever but somehow seeing him differently. Fresh eyes; maybe because we severed years of friendship in our parting and we are finding a new ground between us that is different. Coming back to how we were, yet not the same. I feel different now, around him, inside my own skin and it’s not a terrible thing.
‘Everything just feels unreal right now.’ I confess, catching his eyes studying my face still. Since he followed me this morning all he has done is kept staring at me, like he is worried I am not here or if that he blinks I will disappear. I like it, but I don’t. It just makes me feel like he is intensely analysing every part of me and I am feeling less than confident right now in zero makeup, naturally dried hair and casual clothes for a Sunday hangover. I don’t feel stare worthy at all, I feel like a plain child.
'This will be easier when we are back in the city and away from prying eyes. We just need breathing space. We need some time to just be around each other again.' He scrunches up his brows a little, throws me a boyish cutesy look and this time gets a smile in return.
Worming his way back in with cute looks, huh?
'What do you think they will all say?' I look up at him with wide eyes, nodding towards his home, a niggling of fear in the depth of my mind as he moves my hand from his and into his arm, so he can snuggle me closer without openly pulling me into an embrace. My body ending up beside his and pulled in tight, so we touch. Being fly about his need to be together. I don’t resist, nestling beside him and leaning into his body a little comfortably, glad of the resting place and liking his nearness a little more.
The Carrero Heart_The Journey_Arrick and Sophie Page 12