‘I’m not going to touch you. I swear. I just want to check you’re not hurt and that it’s my blood on your face.’ Arricks eyes move to my cheek and I impulsively lift my fingers to where he’s looking, wiping something wet and look at the red stain on my hand in complete numbness. It’s like a smear of shame, a huge slap in the face of what I have just done, and I feel myself break into a million pieces that I have his blood on my face, like some wild rabid animal that would hurt him. A horrible cruel evil impulsive girl who could physically hurt him that way, hurt my protector, my soul and reason for living. I start sobbing harder and bury my face in my knees brokenly. Unable to look at him, so ashamed of this little bitch who lives inside of me eternally, her need to always lash out and hurt people even when they just try to love her.
‘Sophie, let me look. Let me see. I won’t touch you, just let me see.’ His soft voice is over the top of me now, pleading, begging, his body heat caging me in. I feel him move in around me, trying to angle in to look at me with his hands on the floor so he doesn’t physically touch me and yet also trying to give me space and not cross the barrier I have placed around me. I look up, heart breaking and just needing more than ever to feel safe right now, back in his arms where sex and dirty things don’t happen to me, where I know he won’t let anything happen to me. I reach out impulsively and lasso myself around his neck, crying into his chest as his arms come around me tight, pulling me into his lap as he buries his head in my hair securely and cradles my head against him protectively.
‘I’m sorry baby. I am so fucking sorry. I will never ever scare you like that again, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking Soph’s. Forgive me Mimmo. I love you so much, Sophie, I would never do anything like that to you. I’m a fucking asshole.’ His voice is torn, ravaged with emotion and I can feel moisture on his cheek as I find his face to rub against mine, trying to just wrap him around me like the security I always need. Aching to forget the darkness and find the light once more.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.’ I sound like a broken child, vulnerable and small, wiping my face and crying when I see more blood residue. Unable to face what I have done to him and breaking my heart at the same time. So much remorse washing through me, shame, regret at everything I have just done.
‘Shhhh… Don’t baby please…..Here. Let me see.’ He tilts my chin up to him, brushing back my hair and scrutinises my face, wiping his fingers over me and removing traces of blood from across my cheek. His eyes intent on searching my face and neck and the relief which washes over him is undeniable.
‘It’s mine… Thank god.’ He sighs heavily, emotion flooding his beautiful angelic face, eyes filled with unshed tears.
‘I would never forgive myself if I actually made you bleed. I would never hurt you. I never want to hurt you.’ He rests his forehead against mine, breathing me in as we both sit and try to regain equilibrium, still locked together on the floor and oblivious to anything but each other now, wrapped tight and entangled in a way that is almost unnatural.
‘Sex doesn’t matter Sophie. It never did……. I will be with you, love you, always; no matter if we never go down this route again. I don’t need it, I just need you. I didn’t leave her because of that. I left her because I didn’t love her anymore, if I ever really loved her at all. I was … I am, in love with you, and I want to be with you, only you.’ Arrick pulls my face to his so he can press us close, eyes locked, wiping my face, trying to reassure me. Ever loving and back to the guy that I trust and adore. Bringing some silence back to my ravaged head once more. I just feel exhausted, wiped out and so very shaky and fragile. Like the rug has been ripped out from under my feet and left me free falling.
‘Don’t hate me.’ I croak through tears, scared that I will ever lose him for doing this to him. His words lost on me while all I can see is the evidence of how I attacked him; hating that I could do that to him. Fingers move up impulsively to try and trace the wounds I gave him, but he catches my hand, sucking in his lip to remove the flow of blood and pushes my hand to his heart instead.
‘I could never hate you, Soph’s. I made you do this, you have nothing to be sorry for, never be sorry for protecting yourself; even from me. I’ve had a lot worse from being in the ring, I’m tough enough to take anything you can throw at me baby.’ He leans in and kisses me gently on the mouth; I taste his blood on my lips, but it doesn’t affect me the way that slimy prick from months ago did. His blood had made me gag and feel disgusting. Arricks just tastes like my blood, tastes like nothing that would make me feel repulsed, a part of him that doesn’t affect me. I let him kiss me, I can’t respond though and pull my hands free to trace the marks on his face again when he moves away.
‘Don’t … I deserve them and more.’ Arrick pushes his forehead to mine as he lifts me up with him steadily, gathering me up, cradling me like a child and carries me towards his room, holding me close, tenderly. He walks us into the bedroom and gently lays me on the bed, running a hand over my hair as he gives me an intense look. Pulling his shirt off over his head and throwing it aside as I watch him in silence, tears subsiding as he grabs a fresh t-shirt and pulls that on over the claw marks evident on his shoulder and chest. He moves me over, so he can get on beside me and just pulls me close to him once more, heat absorbing me and cradling me into his body gently.
‘I’m sorry.’ He runs a hand across my face and wipes away my tears, holding my face to his; still an arm around my waist and keeping me close. I just feel drained so suddenly, like there is nothing left of me and I am starting to numb it all out like a dream that never really happened. Emotional exhaustion taking over.
‘I’m so tired.’ I whisper breathily, wiped out from the outburst and just aching to lay in his arms and close my eyes, forget all of it. To let go of any of this shameful bullshit I just inflicted on him.
‘It’s okay, just go to sleep. I’m right here. I’ll always take care of you; always watch over you so you can stay safe.’ Arrick kisses my forehead softly, gently tracing my cheek with his caressing fingers. I close my eyes against his throat, held tight and secure in the only place that ever felt like a real haven for me, even if minutes ago I thought he was someone else. I bury my face against his strong neck and breathe in the smell of him, the familiarity of his skin against me and the perfection of his encircling embrace. Finally safe, finally calm and I never want to lose this moment of complete stillness ever again.
Chapter 18
‘Shit… I’m seriously going to be late’ I am running around looking for my shoes and trying to get myself together before Christian picks me up for the school open day. I am so not with it, still half drunk, feeling like shit and in need of way more sleep, trying not to dwell on last night and Arry has not brought it up at all. He’s acting like it never happened, although we literally haven’t had a second to just think since I opened my eyes. He is trying to help me to get myself together and just keeps getting in my way clucking around me, clearly in protector mode still.
I am not a morning person, I never have been, and I am so unbelievably irritable this morning. I think it’s the after effects of last night and dreams filled with horrid memories that left me exhausted and raw inside. I know I must have been crying out in my sleep, I woke several times to Arrick calming me down and pulling me close, stroking my face and telling me he was there. I just want to throat punch everyone this morning, maybe not him, but everyone else. Aggression levels are abnormally high; I just feel crazily out of my head and should have stayed in bed.
‘Here. Calm down, you have time.’ Arrick hands me my shoe, his tone deliberately steady and cool and I hop around trying to get it on. We have barely had a moment to talk this morning, from eyes flying open when I realised I never set an alarm, to falling out of bed in panic, only to get up and realising the room was still spinning. I ended up face down with the duvet round my ankles, Arrick trying to haul me up from behind while laughing at my hopelessness and not really helping in any way.
&nb
sp; ‘I hate you.’ I curse at him for no reason other than he’s getting the blame for the state I am in, he was the one plying me with booze all night and telling me to let go as he would take care of me. I am never listening to him again, and I really think we need to talk about the amount of alcohol we drink together when we are out. I am starting to see a distinct flaw in our compatibility when we get that way.
‘Sure you do.’ He smiles at me with that annoyingly morning brightness of his, looking a lot less dead than me and thankfully all those marks on his face from last night have faded into almost oblivion. I straighten up and look at him pointedly.
‘We shouldn’t drink, we just act like assholes when we do.’ I guess this is my way of apologising to him, without apologising. And I guess my pathetic way of trying to broach the subject.
Lame Sophie
‘I am more than aware of that. Although the times we have, the first half of the alternative to fighting was pretty good.’ Arrick winks cheekily and then sighs and runs a finger along my jaw. He is right, the moments of non-freaking out and non-fighting had been more than good, and it just makes me want to really experience it with him all the more, torn that alcohol is the devils work. I mean, he really only ever loses his inhibitions about touching me that way when he has had a few and I want to know what it’s like to have him make love to me without all the mess that happens around us. Even after last night, I still want that with him.
I wonder If that will ever happen now?
If first time freaked him out for a month, then I have no idea what last night will do to his head. He is in ultra-protective mode right now, gentle and fluffing round me like a mother hen, making me feel a little bit suffocated and I know that means that over thinking, over logical brain will put the brakes on anything else for a long time.
‘You need to eat.’ He points me in the direction of the kitchen, to which I haul my unicorn cookie out of my hand bag and wave it at him childishly.
‘Sorted.’ I grin and see him just curb the urge to have a go at me, sighing instead and holding his tongue. I guess last night has some perks after all, he really doesn’t want to upset me this morning and is putting up with tremendous amounts of grumpiness and bad behaviour from me.
‘If it wasn’t for the fact that you are coming back here at ten, then I would make you eat something else. I’ll make you food as soon as you get back.’ He frowns at me and moves to the kitchen while I attempt to get my damp hair in order, no time to dry it from the rush shower I had, and my makeup is all at home. I hadn’t thought about getting ready here when I met him at the bowling alley straight from my apartment. As it is, I luckily had some clothes here and manged to find something semi casual to wear with low heeled shoes I had left behind his couch. The fact I am a lazy, messy ass, who litters his entire apartment all the time with all my belonging, is really a good thing, now that I think of it. The buzzer goes, and I curse at the time once more.
‘I need to go, that’s him and we will be late if we get caught in traffic.’ I grab my bag and coat, push my cookie in my pocket and turn to give Arrick a quick kiss. He catches me by the face and sinks a far dreamier kiss on me that makes everything stop for a full minute. The kind of kiss that makes every stressful feeling melt away, down to your toes, and leaves you a little breathless. He pulls back and rubs his nose against mine gently.
‘I love you.’ He smiles at me softly, fully hazel eyes this morning and looking like my idea of heaven. I go to say it in response, but hesitate; that little inner me holding back, frowning and bite my lip a little unsurely.
‘You’re lame.’ I blurt out instead, deflecting stupidly, with a smile and see him break into a smile too.
‘So close that time.’ He grins, and I just roll my eyes to hide how horrible it makes me feel to withhold those three little words from him. Hating that after everything, I still can’t just say it to him, even though I know I do. I wave my bag in the air, in an attempt to kill the awkwardness I now feel as I run for the elevator without a backward glance.
* * *
I rest my head against the cool chrome wall of the elevator and count the seconds it takes to get back upstairs. It feels like I have been gone for days, not just an hour and a half. I want to go back to bed and lay down and just sleep; my head aches and the last hour was hell on earth as new students pushed and chatted incessantly in the crowded hall. My feet are killing me and my clothes stink of the crappy perfume that Christian was walking around spraying at everyone in a bid to make them give him space. No idea where the boy comes up with this stuff. Apparently spraying piss like scent around you is a sure way to make people leave you alone. All it did was give me a headache.
The elevator pings open just as my eyes are closing and the sudden smell of food makes my mouth water, reminding me that Arry said he would make me food for when I got back, and I look up expecting to see him across in the kitchen happily playing with his pots and pans. Instead the apartment is eerily silent, scarily dark, like he’s shut all the blackout blinds and closed off all light to make it pitch black. I wander in warily, seeing the fire is on low and illuminating the Livingroom and he’s placed small candles all around the lounge to give off a romantic ambience, so not an Arry thing. Walking forward, my eyes start to adjust as I realise there’s more candles dotted around the whole apartment, like small fireflies making the whole place seem a lot cosier and strangely small. It makes me heart catch in my throat as I take in how pretty it is, as I start to adjust more to the dullness of the light.
‘Arrick?’ I call out warily, not sure if I like this darkness, and hoping he is still here and hasn’t left me to wander around like a weirdo. That would be just plain odd, a little cruel too, if he has just upped and out to leave me wandering in the gloom.
‘Here beautiful.’ Arrick appears behind me, giving me a small fright, making me jump as my stomach lurches into my throat, then giggle in relief as his hands slide over my shoulders, removing my coat and kissing me on the neck from behind. He must have been in the dining area around by the window and just out of sight; I glance around and see the table from this angle, nestled behind the wall and it’s all lit up with candles and place settings for two with what looks like two boxes on the table. He takes my bag and slides down my body, hands skimming me lightly, to pull my shoes off by lifting one foot at a time. I smile down at him and obey, so glad to get them off and adoring him so much in this moment, my heart doing a little butterfly dance and relaxing me internally. Fatigue forgotten and replaced with genuine warmth.
‘What’s all this for?’ I watch him as he straightens out and comes to face me. Kissing me lightly on the mouth, his face lit by the flickering lights nearby and almost unrecognisable with the shadows cast on us; but his very familiar smell is all around me, intoxicatingly so and soothing me in every way.
‘My other girlfriend, you better leave, she is on her way.’ He grins, running his thumb over my cheek and I just mock sucker punch him in the abdomen with the back of my hand. He flinches slightly, grinning down at me, still gazing at me lovingly.
‘Ha ha.’ I reply flatly. He strokes back my hair and kisses me again, this time more seductively, sucking my lip between his and angling so I can’t do anything except surrender as he teases my mouth open a little, cupping my face with large warm hands. Breaking away after sending my body into tingling mush, he rubs his nose against mine softly, eyes still glued on mine and barely a hairs breadth apart, so his breath fans my lips.
‘Sometimes I forget Sophie, that underneath that very feisty facade, is a girl who needs a special kind of TLC. I take for granted that you love me, when really, I should be making you fall in love with me all over again. I forget that you’re not as tough as you make out.’ Arrick wrinkles up his nose at the face I am making; Tears stinging my eyes, that he can be this sweet to me, after how I behaved last night. That he has this kind of romance in him, for a guy who seemed like he would always be too cool and emotionally distant to ever pull this card when
he was with Tasha. My stomach aches with the sheer emotion and my hands start to tremble involuntarily.
‘You don’t need to do this.’ I sniff softly as tears catch in my throat. Overcome suddenly as this was the last thing I expected when I was in the elevator coming up here and feeling dead on my feet.
‘This is exactly what I should have been doing from day one. You’re not that kid anymore, but you’re still as fragile, still as easy to hurt. I forget that kind of stuff, and last night reminded me how much I should be protecting you from everything and everyone, sometimes even me.’ Arrick swallows hard, emotion hitting him too as he takes my hand in his, caresses the area under my thumb with his and lifts it between us, nodding towards the dining area and pulls me towards the table.
‘Come on …..Told you I would feed you. I know that’s the sure-fire way to get into your heart.’ He smiles back at me, looking a little too suave and confidant today and a lot more rested then me. I let him lead me to the table and he pulls my usual chair out for me to sit down, the candles illuminating everything clearly over here and I spy the familiar boxes sat in the middle of the table with a widened gasp as I settle in and let him slide me back in.
‘Nancies?’ I pull the box forward impulsively and rip it open to be hit with the smell of the most amazing breakfast ever. Disbelief hitting me full force and confusion that these could even get here.
‘Blueberry and banana waffles with pecan sauce? How did you get them in the city?’ I blanche, sticking my finger in and straight into that heavenly sauce, before sticking it straight into my mouth with a grin. Sheer delight running over me and toes curling from a taste that is pure divine. Arrick has walked around and slid in at his seat facing me, pulling his own box towards him.
The Carrero Heart_The Journey_Arrick and Sophie Page 24