Reborn as a Vending Machine, I Now Wander the Dungeon, Vol. 1

by Hirukuma,

  “Welcome.” “Thank you.” “Please come again.” “Get one free with a winner.” “Too bad.” “You’re a winner.” “Insert coins.”

  Looks like that’s it. Better than not being able to talk at all, I guess, but I can’t have a conversation with anyone like this. If I stumbled across a vending machine endlessly repeating those lines over and over, I know I’d run away.

  If I have to give up on conversations, then what can I actually do? Something possible for a vending machine… Sell products? There’s nobody around to buy them, so I can’t do that at the moment.

  Come to think of it, there isn’t a soul in sight. Are my sales going to be all right?

  Even if this is some remote location, somebody’s gotta come by eventually. No one would ever put a vending machine in a place where it won’t have good sales.

  This place seems like a tourist spot. Maybe there’s a summerhouse on the lake. Even if nobody comes, someone from the manufacturer would probably be around to do an inspection or swap out my items.

  I decide to search for something I can do, so that when someone does come and I have a chance to talk to them, I can make the most of it.

  Firstly, it would be ideal if I could move, but I’ve been trying to for a while now, and my body won’t budge. Of course, if a vending machine sprouted arms and legs and started walking around wherever it wanted, that would be terrifying.

  Isn’t there anything else I can do? The prerecorded vending machine voice samples play when I want them to. That must mean I can, to some degree, control this vending machine’s functions.

  If vending machines do anything, it’s accepting money and dispensing items. That’s all, isn’t it? Maybe I can dispense the items without taking any money…? I don’t have anything else to do, so it’s time to test things out.

  First, I’ll start by understanding everything about my body. I, er, suppose I’ll have to accept that I’m not a human but a vending machine. My muscles, bones, and organs are mechanical parts, electrodes, and items. My voice is contained within a handful of recorded lines. I don’t have arms or legs.

  That’s, well…the feeling I get, at least.

  Times like these call for accepting reality and making calm decisions. And occasionally, kicking it into high gear and moving boldly.

  Yes, just like those beverages, separated into cool and warm… Even I don’t understand what that analogy is supposed to mean, but that’s how I’m going to approach this.

  I’m a vending machine. People move their bodies with their minds. What kind of vending machine would I be if I couldn’t control my faculties with mine?

  Believe in the vending machine. Become the vending machine. I am a vending machine. I will understand my body!

  [Vending Machine]

  (C) Mineral Water

  ¥130 (x100)

  (W) Corn Soup

  ¥100 (x100)

  PT 1,000

  {Features} Cold Retention, Heat Retention

  Huh? Something just flashed through my thoughts… Wait, I don’t have a brain, do I? Anyway, a bunch of words showed up in my mind.

  Hmm. They must be the kinds of beverages in me. It’s a lonely lineup, but I suppose it’s better than having a mess of shady drinks. And no matter what anyone says, plain old mineral water is awesome.

  Besides, canned corn potage is delicious in winter. Actually, is there a way to figure out who the manufacturers are?

  More words flash into my mind.

  Hmm. This is a list of mineral water manufacturers. Some are brands everyone knows by name, and others are smaller, lesser-known companies. I know every single one, of course, and I’ve sampled all of them.

  The mineral water installed now is from what is probably the biggest company of them all. Could I change it?

  [You must spend points to change item types.]

  Huh? Now some words have appeared. What are points? Is that what’s listed below the CORN SOUP line?

  Then how do I use them? Hmm. Can I control this mental display somehow? Will it accept a vague sense of…I don’t know, something?

  [You can spend 10 points to change an item’s manufacturer.]

  Hey, it did. I imagined using a mouse in my brain, bringing the cursor over to the PT word in the list, and left-clicking on it. Then a reply popped up. What’ll happen if I right-click on it?

  [Points are converted from currency. By spending points, you can restock, change items, and add functions. One point is consumed per hour instead of electricity.]

  Oh, an explanation appeared. That’s useful. It’s time to investigate this body thoroughly and completely.

  Vending Machine Body

  As a result of my information gathering, I’ve learned the following things.

  PT stands for points, which I can spend to restock or swap what items I have for sale, or even alter my vending machine body’s functions.

  These additional features don’t only warm or cool beverages—some let me heat up frozen food or pour hot water into cup ramen. There was a lot of information, but I made sure to skim through the text at least.

  To more thoroughly investigate these additional features, I looked into the kinds of items I can dispense. When I checked, a ridiculously long list came up. After poring over everything, it seemed like anything I bought at a vending machine before dying is now something I could acquire with points.

  Just to test, I tried converting points to cold milk tea; by using ten points, I got (C) Milk Tea (x100). I exchanged it with the rightmost bottle of mineral water, since they had been occupying the entire cold-beverage area. I can set the prices, too, so I set it at one hundred yen.

  For reference, one hundred yen can be converted into one point. Does my system restock itself using its own sales? I sort of feel like that doesn’t match generic vending machines.

  Oh, right. One other strange thing I discovered when I learned how to check my body: I don’t run on electricity. It’s already been explained, but it seems I use points in place of power. I consume one point per hour, which means I go through twenty-four in a day. In other words, I guess my minimum expenses are 2,400 yen per day.

  I still have more than nine hundred points, so I can keep operating like this for another month. Still, I’ll refrain from unnecessary spending. No adventures for me until I get some steady sales.

  Anyway, there’s a good reason why I’m thinking about all this. I’m bored. Two days have passed since I became a vending machine, but not a single person’s come by. When I examined my surroundings more closely, it was obvious—the area by the lakeside doesn’t have a paved road anywhere. Nobody is going to come here.

  I can’t believe this… I really hope my life doesn’t end without anyone showing up, followed by me shutting down.

  Hmm, well…let’s give my additional features a look, too. Maybe one of them will let me grow tires so I can move on my own. No matter how I look at it, this location is awful. I want to go somewhere more populated.

  Mm-hmm, features, features. Microwave—with hot water, I can provide hot food. Other than that— Oh, I can get the function where I pour drinks into paper cups, too? And…hmm? Underneath the functions is something a little odd. What’s this?

  “Gugeggogeggo.”

  Oh, is that a creature’s voice? Thinking can come later. I’ve been on one-player mode for too long. Just the thought of encountering a living thing makes my heart skip a beat.

  I’ve never heard a cry like that, but it’s vaguely frog-like. Sounds like it came from the forest near the lake. I’m pretty sure I don’t have actual eyes, but I mentally keep them peeled anyway.

  Something just came out of the trees—what? Uh, do frogs these days tend to have blackish skin and wear leather armor? It has a misshapen wooden club in its hands, and it’s walking on two legs to boot.

  That’s a little much to refer to as a new type of frog, isn’t it? The creature’s face is as big as a person’s, and warts cover its exposed arms and legs. Its eyes are point
ed up at the sides, and I can see sharp canines in its mouth, even though it’s a frog.

  Wait, that looks awfully like a monster. A bipedal, wart-covered frog? I think it’s less than five feet tall, but it also seems vicious.

  If that’s special makeup, it’s good enough to shock even Hollywood. But its slimy-looking, gleaming skin and the twitchy movements of those eyes feel genuine.

  Does that mean this isn’t Japan? Normally, this would be when shock takes hold of me, but I’ve already turned into a vending machine. Clearly, I can laugh common sense right out the door.

  Wait, if this is another world or something, then how does currency work? I’m fairly confident no one will use yen in some alternate universe. Doesn’t that mean I’m doomed if I can’t get my metaphorical hands on some Japanese money?!

  “Gyulgeggo?”

  Oh, the frog person is looking this way. Hey, you, stay away! Wait. If that thing’s wearing leather armor, chances are it’s an intelligent life-form. I’m the worst, judging someone solely based on appearance. This might be my first customer.

  “Welcome.” I don’t think it will understand me, but I greet it anyway.

  “Gwagego?!”

  It’s looking around in surprise. Sorry, but that voice came from the vending machine.

  Now it’s crouching with its club raised. If I talk again, I’ll probably get a funny reaction out of it, but…let’s not.

  A little while passes as the frog person guardedly surveys the area, but eventually it gives up, unable to figure out what made the sound. Then it turns to me again.

  Up close, the monster is pretty impressive. I’ve never been comfortable with reptiles or amphibians to begin with, but this one is the size of a full-grown adult, which makes it twice as horrifying.

  It’s walking around now, keeping a fixed distance from me and my boxy body. Does it not understand what a vending machine is?

  After a full circuit, the frog person raises its arms, and… Hey, stop! What are you doing with that club?!

  Helpless to stop it, I can only watch as it swings downward.

  The bludgeon strikes the glass display, rattling the whole vending machine.

  [3 damage. Durability decreased by 3.]

  Now what? Why did damage and durability pop up? This isn’t a game. Ah, crap. Only the lowest of beasts would ever harm a vending machine. Doesn’t it understand my functional yet artistic beauty?!

  [2 damage. Durability decreased by 2.]

  Crap! Don’t get full of yourself, frog. You hit me again when I couldn’t retaliate! It doesn’t seem like I can feel pain, so I suppose that’s fine, but won’t I break down at this rate?!

  Wait, what’s this “durability” thing? Maybe it corresponds to this vending machine’s sturdiness, or life force.

  [Durability: When this runs out, the vending machine will break and become unusable.]

  Oh, so it’s like hit points, then. How much do I have left? Wait, how do I even check my stats…?

  [Vending Machine]

  DUR 95/100

  TGH 10

  STR 0

  SPD 0

  DEX 0

  MAG 0

  {Features} Cold Retention, Heat Retention

  Whoa, something else came up. These must be my stats. Everything but durability and toughness is zero, huh? Well, I suppose I don’t need the other stats, seeing as how I’m a vending machine. If there’s a MAG stat, maybe that means magic exists in this world… Man, it would have been so cool to be a spell-slinging vending machine, but all I have in that column is a whole lot of nothing.

  Wait, now’s not the time to wallow in self-pity. Wh-what should I do? I’ll break down if the frog person keeps hitting me like this. I-isn’t there some way to drive it off or replenish my durability?!

  [Durability can be restored by spending points.]

  Oh…I see. In that case, I still have nine hundred points, so maybe if this turns into a war of attrition, the frog person will give up.

  Then, as if to scorn my very thoughts, there appeared three new frog people from the forest. They reacted too fast to that event flag!

  Th-this is bad. Really bad. One of those frog people has an ax. Nothing good is going to happen if it hits me with that thing.

  [2 damage. Durability decreased by 2.]

  All right, all right, I get it! Wh-what now? Isn’t there anything in the list of additional functions that can help me?!

  Hot-water dispenser, purchase jingle, compartment shock absorbers, slot machine… These are useless! I need something revolutionary—a function that’ll get me out of this mess!

  And then my eyes are drawn to a new option that appeared—though I don’t have eyes.

  [Transform Points: 1,000,000,000]

  Wait, I can transform like a robot? Every man’s fantasies are packed into that one word! But seriously, a billion points? You don’t actually want to let me have that, do you?

  N-no good. Can a guy get something a little more realistic to buy that’ll get him out of this?!

  Even as I scan the list, I keep seeing the report [2 damage. Durability decreased by 2.] come up again and again. Hurry, hurry, gotta find a more effective… Oh, right, underneath.

  After seeing it earlier, I left it alone, thinking I’d check it out later. I read the line again.

  [Blessings]

  What’s a blessing? No, stop. I can ponder that later. Let’s investigate.

  [Blessing: A special power granted by the gods. You may choose one without spending any points.]

  Oh, I get the first one for free? I don’t really get it, but it’s gotta be some superpowered magic or something, right?! O-okay, let’s choose one!

  [Physical Alteration, Vision Transfer, Telepathy, Absorption, Plundering, Swordsmanship, Martial Arts, Fire Magic, Water Magic…]

  What do you expect me to do with martial arts or swordsmanship?! I don’t have any limbs! But I’ll grab them once I get Transform, just you wait!

  Wait, now’s not the time for that! Haven’t I learned by now?!

  If I don’t have any MAG, I can’t use magic, either, can I? Um, maybe communicating with the frog people using telepathy is worth a try—I could probably get them to understand me regardless of language—but they didn’t look too interested in negotiating right now.

  S-something else, then. Shouldn’t there be a Blessing that’s useful even for a vending machine?!

  As I reach the very bottom of the list, there’s one entry I can’t peel my eyes from. It says Force Field, and its effect reads: [Erects an impassable force field around you at a distance of 3 feet. You can permit specific targets to pass in and out.] Th-this is it!

  [2, 3, 5 damage. Durability decreased by 10.]

  I don’t have any time left. I-I’m going with this!

  After choosing Force Field, I feel like something warm slides into me. I—I don’t really get it, but Force Field, activate!

  “Gurgegorgogego?!”

  Oh, the frog people got blown away. And they fell onto their backs, too. How dare you beat me up as much as you wanted. I have to get a word in. I won’t be satisfied otherwise.

  “Please come again.”

  Heh. I don’t think they understand me, but it feels good to get that off my chest. Then, as though the frog people totally know I insulted them, they come straight at me with their weapons in hand, but the bright-blue light around me blocks them, preventing their approach.

  “Get one free with a winner.”

  I provoke them again. Oh, wow. They’re frantically charging. This Force Field does its job really well. The semitransparent blue walls surround me at right angles, but despite the frog people attempting to bash it in with their weapons, the barrier throws them back.

  Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, I’ve created the ultimate indestructible vending machine!

  [Points decreased by 1. Points decreased by 1. Points decreased by 1…]

  W-wait a second! My points are draining like bathwater here! I need to spend points to maintain
this Force Field?!

  Hey, hold on, guys. I, uh, I hope you nice frog people decide to return to your homes real soon.

  “Please come again.”

  Crap, now their attacks have gotten wilder. But I didn’t even mean to provoke them. Whoa, my points are seriously dropping fast. I think it would be best if you all kindly gave up now, please!

  A Buyer

  The frog people continued to beat on the Force Field for a while after that, but once they realized they weren’t getting anywhere, the crowd reluctantly dispersed and went away.

  I think I’m safe, but…let’s make sure.

  [Vending Machine]

  DUR 65/100

  TGH 10

  STR 0

  SPD 0

  DEX 0

  MAG 0

  PT 346

  {Features} Cold Retention, Heat Retention

  {Blessings} Force Field

  I lost a huge amount of points. The Force Field saved me, of course, but it cost way too much. If more monsters attack, I’m not sure I can drive them off.

  Things just took a real turn for the worse. My durability is down and my vending machine body is in a sorry state. Points are precious, but I can’t do nothing and break down, either. Time to repair.

  I use 35 points to fully recover, leaving me with 311. I consume 24 each day, so if I don’t do anything, I’ll hold out for over ten days—but if a customer still doesn’t appear by then, my time will run out and I’ll shut down. I wonder if I die if that happens… That would be a terribly tragic end to my new life—too cruel for a vending machine.