Reborn as a Vending Machine, I Now Wander the Dungeon, Vol. 1

by Hirukuma,

  “Don’t you think you’re restricting Boxxo too much? Instead of constantly being with an undersized, unattractive girl, he would be much happier to spend his time elegantly in my fabulous mansion, wouldn’t he?”

  “Undersized, unattractive…?! I don’t want to hear that from you, Suori.”

  Lammis folds her arms, purposely accentuating her ample bosom. Suori’s expression goes demonic. I can almost hear the menacing rumble around her as she glares at Lammis’s chest with a bloodcurdling look.

  I didn’t expect to see Lammis arguing with such a young kid.

  “Grrrrr! You’re so frustrating! But I’m still growing! And you can expect a lot from me in the future, because my mother has bigger ones than yours!” she declares, sticking out her chest. I think height is largely affected by genetics, but what about breast size? I’m a man, so I never cared about things like that.

  “How pitiful, Lady Suori…”

  Whoa. That startled me. One of the black-suited bodyguards was nearby? He doesn’t seem to have noticed me; he’s wiping his brow with a handkerchief as he watches their exchange.

  “She doesn’t know her mother’s prolific mounds are stuffed…”

  Oh, okay. I see. There’s always time for mutations and recessive genes, so don’t give up yet.

  Still, why does this black-clothed man know that Suori’s mother pads her chest? That seems like the bigger issue.

  “W-well, fine then. Lammaries, will you allow me to ask a question?”

  “I’ll think about it if you call me my actual name.”

  “Ugh, all right…Lammis. I have a question about Boxxo. It isn’t just a magic item, is it? How on earth does it work?”

  “Hmm… About that… I don’t know either, really. He understands what I say, and he even answers. I don’t think Boxxo is any different from a person.”

  Is that how she’s been thinking of me? She does treat me the same way she treats other people, but I thought she was only doing it because she’s a nice person.

  I see… Thanks, Lammis. That might be the nicest thing I’ve heard since coming to this world.

  “I suppose you have no intent of telling me. Well, that’s fine. I’ll spare neither time nor money to make you surrender Boxxo. I’ll have to convince you thoroughly of the benefits of being with me. That is my privilege as a wealthy and young person.”

  Lammis is young, too, but certainly not as young as Suori. But no matter how much time or money she pours into me, I don’t think my feelings will ever change.

  The most relaxing place for me right now is on Lammis’s back, after all. Unless she decides to leave me first, I’ll never give that up.

  “Anyway! Boxxo isn’t here today, so go home already.”

  “Hmph! I’ll be back another day. I’ll leave Boxxo with you until then, so make sure to polish him up nice and clean. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!”

  Suori leaves after getting the last word in. Lammis waves after her, too. Despite the previous argument, a smile is on her lips.

  Maybe she was just dealing with Suori, and she didn’t hate her or anything.

  “Suori sure is fun to tease. She used to be much more curt, but she seems friendlier lately. Maybe it’s the Boxxo effect… Ugh. Isn’t Boxxo back yet?”

  It’s evening now, and my promise with Director Bear lasts until midnight. There’s more time left, but it pains my heart to see Lammis hanging her lonesome head like that. It makes me want to give her some warm milk tea right this instant.

  “I wonder what Boxxo is up to.”

  Gazing at the side of Lammis’s face as she sighs and looks up at the sky, I can’t bear it anymore, and—

  “Thank you.”

  —I give my usual greeting and turn off my mimicry.

  She must have heard the voice, because her face immediately brightens and she looks around, and then upon finding me, she charges, kicking up dust in her wake.

  “Boxxo, how long have you been there?!”

  She grinds to a halt, her feet digging into the ground, and stops in front of me. Then, she chops me on either side with the bridge of her hands to grab me. You’re making this a crazy reunion, Lammis.

  It’s a bit early, but I just couldn’t leave her alone any longer.

  “You should have said something sooner. So many things happened today. Do you want to hear, Boxxo?”

  Of course. I know everything that happened, but I want to hear it directly from her. I already know my answer.

  “Welcome.”

  The Kidnapping

  Ah, hello there. It’s the vending machine. Bestselling and now in transit.

  I’m currently being knocked around a buar-pulled cart—which is fine, in and of itself, but the problem is I don’t know where the cart is.

  The cart I’m on doesn’t have a covering, which gives me a clear view of the surrounding area. We’re traveling through plains overgrown with long weeds, and occasionally a deerlike creature with three horns appears. It seems to be an animal rather than a monster. I can’t tell the difference between animals and monsters, but apparently, there’s a clear distinction.

  As for what else I can see… Two men are sitting in the carriage seat. They’re likely forty or so. They have unremarkable faces.

  And another buar cart is following behind this one. A band of six people who appear to be hunters are riding on it. They’re the ones who struggled to get me into the cart.

  I know it’s far too late now, but I should have been a little more suspicious.

  They came early this morning, lined up in front of me, and said this:

  “The Hunters Association’s director requested that repairs and reinforcements of areas near the walls start in earnest today. He told us he wanted you to do your sales there for a while, Boxxo.”

  At the time, I was in the middle of considering my abilities and mulling over what I should stock next. I gave my ready consent with a “Welcome” and sank back into the sea of my thoughts.

  In the past, either Director Bear would come tell me personally, or Lammis would tell me on his behalf. When these hunters came instead, I figured that even the director found some things trivial enough to send only messengers.

  And that was how the six of them loaded me into the cart while I was none the wiser. That was where I made another grave mistake. You know how when you’re riding in a car, and the sunlight shining in makes you want to go to sleep? I don’t technically have to sleep, but sometimes I want to because of my habits from when I was human.

  The shaking of the cart and rolling of the wheels had a lullaby effect on me, and so I passed out.

  And that’s how I got here. This means I’ve been kidnapped, doesn’t it? They must be after the gold coins stowed inside me, or maybe my value as a whole.

  I feel no danger whatsoever to my life, but the thing that worries me most is not being able to move of my own volition. Even if I somehow manage to escape them here, I have no way of returning to the settlement. This stratum is massive, so if I end up alone on the way to wherever we’re going, it could easily be years before anyone stumbles across me. Of course, I’d probably run out of points first.

  For now, I record the criminals’ faces using the vending machine surveillance camera I bought earlier as a crime-prevention measure. With this feature, I can replay the video I record whenever I want, so I’ll never forget what they look like.

  Two of them, at least, are familiar faces. They’ve been buying from me a lot lately, and I remember a grim determination in their gazes compared to other people.

  And then, hmm… Oh, he’s here, too. The low-life villain Gugoyle is watching me with a smirk on his face. Looking like the archetypical small fry, as always.

  Either he was the one who brought this dissolute band together, or they were all allied to begin with. If so, will they eventually put me down somewhere and disassemble me? I’m pretty sure Gugoyle doesn’t know about my Force Field. I don’t think I’ve shown it to anyone save for Lammis and Captain Kerioy
l.

  In that case, I’ll hold on to my Force Field as a trump card. Still, the more distance we put between us and the settlement, the less of a chance anyone has of finding me. Wh-what should I do? I’m starting to freak out.

  O-okay. I’ll go over my abilities. Maybe that will calm me down.

  [Vending Machine: Boxxo]

  DUR 100/100

  TGH 10

  STR 0

  SPD 0

  DEX 0

  MAG 0

  PT 11,346

  {Features} Cold Retention, Heat Retention, Omnidirectional Vision, Hot-Water Dispenser (Cup Ramen Mode), Two-Liter Support, Candy-Roll Vending, Paint Change, Boxed-Item Support, Vending Machine Surveillance Camera

  {Blessings} Force Field

  For a vending machine, I must say I’m pretty high-spec, but I can’t function properly in another world with just these sorts of abilities.

  The biggest factor that created this situation was my giddiness at crossing the ten-thousand-point barrier, but it’s not all bad. With this many points, I can maintain Force Field for a long time. I’ll take that as a silver lining. If I need to, I can repair myself several times, too.

  Calm down, calm down. They’re not going to scrap you right away. Force Field consumes 1 point per second, so 60 in a minute. But that’s 3,600 in an hour… Wait, this isn’t good…

  We rapidly pull farther away from the settlement while I consider my options; we’re almost at the two-hour mark since I woke up.

  “Hey! We’re taking a break,” shouts one of the men in the coachman’s seat before stopping the cart.

  The buar cart following us stops as well, then everyone clambers off it. And then they surround me. Do they really think I’m just going to give them their lunch?

  “All right, time to eat. Hey, Boxxo. If you’ve got a brain in there, I’m sure you know what situation you’re in.”

  The low-life villain is getting full of himself, since he’s got friends around now. He must be remembering his earlier humiliation as he breaks out into vulgar laughter and flashes a blade.

  “You’re going to give us the food and drink we want for free. I’m sure even an iron box like you knows what’ll happen if you don’t.”

  “Too bad,” I answer immediately. I know exactly what will result from provoking him right now, but I can’t help myself.

  As expected, blood rushes to Gugoyle’s face, turning it bright red. He likely doesn’t know the meaning of the word patience.

  “Bastard! I’ll break you!”

  He thrusts his short sword at the glass, but it only leaves a small scratch on the surface.

  [1 damage. Durability decreased by 1.]

  Just one damage? He’s weaker than I thought. The frog people hurt a lot more than him. Not learning his lesson, he damages me several more times, but I take only five points of damage total.

  “Gugoyle, stop. We’re after what’s inside, but I told you the thing has value as a whole, remember? Don’t damage it for no reason.”

  “Y-yes, sir. Sorry… Keh. You live another day.”

  The perfect parting shot for a man like him. The man who stopped him is a good deal larger than all the others nearby. His physique, at least, is very similar to Gocguy’s, the man who traveled with the money-exchanging lady.

  The huge blade scar on his forehead only adds to his intimidation. He has no eyebrow hair or hair on his head; I can’t tell if they were shaved or if he was born like that. If not for his grandiose beard, he might look a lot like Karios the gatekeeper.

  “And you—you don’t want us to break you. I think it would be in your best interest to do what we say.”

  The large man seems more logical than Gugoyle. He’s right—defying them won’t do me any good. The answer is to pretend to obey them while getting a clear picture of the situation.

  “You’re Too bad.”

  Just kidding. Why should I have to listen to what the guys who kidnapped me have to say? If Lammis were here, she’d absolutely refuse. I want to stay with her in the future, so I have no intention of living in a way that brings shame upon myself.

  “You don’t seem to understand your position here. Hey, Gugoyle. You said this thing can fix its own damaged parts, right?”

  “Yes, sir, it can. It was really beaten up during the hunting expedition, but it made itself go right back to normal.”

  “I see. All right, everyone. Make the thing understand with force—just don’t break it.”

  If I could feel pain, this would be a pretty terrifying situation. But these big, burly men are circling a vending machine, threatening it… This is some advanced comedy.

  Their idea that I’ll do what they say if they recklessly hurt me, without knowing anything about me, is too easy. They must not realize how stupidly they’re behaving against a metal box.

  “This is your last chance to apologize. Now that the boss gave the word, you’d better prepare yourself, because we ain’t having any mercy.”

  Their boss, eh? If he’s the top of the chain, are all the rest of them his henchmen? Anyway, even though that tidbit lets me calmly understand the situation, I don’t have a way of asking them that.

  [3 damage. Durability decreased by 3.]

  [2 damage. Durability decreased by 2.]

  They’re really going at it with those weapons. If this goes on, I’ll eventually break down. But I want to keep my Force Field hidden until the last possible moment. If I repair now, it’ll probably spur them to keep attacking me. What should I do? I think the correct answer is to let them get me to a near-broken state to make them worry…but I can’t take this lying down.

  I don’t have enough points for a Blessing. Nothing in the features list stands out, either. Can’t I do anything else? My durability keeps going down, and I can’t counter their attacks. If I was a little tougher, I might be able to get away with no damage, too.

  [Spend 1,000 points to increase toughness by 10?]

  What? Words came up while I was looking at the toughness stat. Wait, I can upgrade my stats using points, too?!

  A thousand points is fairly painful, but if I increase my toughness, I can decrease the damage I’m taking now. It’s worth giving it a try—let’s boost it.

  [Toughness increased to 20.]

  It doesn’t feel like anything happened, but I must be harder now. I’ll know if that’s true one way or the other in a moment.

  [0 damage. Durability decreased by 0.]

  Great, I nullified their damage. Now, if I leave my durability in its decreased state, my visible damage will remain, and they’ll mistakenly believe their attacks are having an effect.

  Now to wait for them to tire themselves out.

  The Kidnappers

  Ignoring the men as they continue to pummel, their shoulders heaving up and down with their breathing, I go over my stats.

  If I was able to increase my toughness, then can I raise my other stats, too? Let’s try durability first.

  [Spend 1,000 points to increase durability by 10?]

  I can upgrade my durability? Well, considering how many points I need to use, it doesn’t seem that efficient. If it were 100, I’d raise it without a second thought. What about the others?

  [Spend 10,000 points to increase strength by 10?]

  [Spend 10,000 points to increase speed by 10?]

  [Spend 10,000 points to increase dexterity by 10?]

  There’s an extra digit there… Strength, speed, and dexterity aren’t stats a vending machine needs, and I don’t plan on increasing them, but that’s absurdly expensive.

  If I increased my strength or speed, I wonder if I’d be able to walk around by shaking the vending machine back and forth. That would be pretty funny, if possible.

  I can’t increase my magic stat no matter what, though. It looks like we won’t be seeing the birth of a magical vending machine. That’s too bad.

  “All right, let’s leave it at that.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Oh, they’re finished.
I raised my toughness once my durability had gone down about thirty points, so I must look pretty beaten up.

  “Hey, the thing isn’t repairing.”

  “B-but that can’t be. It fixed itself before. I saw it with my own eyes! H-hey, you bastard, fix the damage already!”

  I refuse. I’m going to keep pretending to be broken-down now. I don’t have the slightest desire to give them any drinks… Actually, wait, I changed my mind. I’ll give them some.

  “Gugoyle, you know what happens if this thing is broken, right?”

  “Y-yes, sir! H-hey, you crappy box, fix yourself already! I know you’re just pretending you can’t move!”

  Oh, now he’s panicking. I’ll be keeping the damage, but don’t you worry—I’ll give you a drink.

  “B-boss! An item fell out! L-look, it’s not broken!”

  I drop enough drinks for everyone, and they happily pick them up. You should be thanking me for my kindness.

  “Well, fine. For now, just give me one. I don’t care which.”

  Everyone gets a drink. Exhausted after “beating me up,” the men open their caps in unison and down the liquid inside.

  “Blech!”

  “Gah, ugh, what is this?!”

  “This is awful!”

  How do you like the taste of my top ten worst juices? I’ve bought every new product I’ve ever seen in a vending machine, and if I get lucky some of the time, I obviously pull short straws as well.

  There are actually a lot of drinks that are so unbelievably terrible that their manufacturers must not have any taste buds. One of the lighter drinks is a carbonated beverage that tastes like vegetables covered in mayonnaise; another is a carbonated beverage with the taste of strong-smelling seasonings used in Japanese cooking… Both come from the same company.