Only Her

by Allie Everhart

  “Charles said your dinner will be ready within the hour,” my dad says as I go up the stairs.

  I take Lilly to her room. She has an all pink room. It’s too much pink for me, but all her toys are in here so it’s easier being in here than in my room.

  We sit on the floor and I try to set her down but she won’t let go of me.

  “No,” she says, her tiny hands clutching my shirt, her cheek pressed into my shoulder.

  She does this all the time. She clings to me because she doesn’t get enough affection. Truthfully, I don’t either. Not that I need it at the age of 15, but a hug now and then from my dad would be nice. But unfortunately, the only hugs I get are from Lilly. Or the girls at school, which are a different kind of hug. A much different kind.

  “Garrah,” Lilly says. That’s what she calls me. She can’t say my name yet. She has trouble with the t.

  “Garret,” I say, emphasizing the t.

  She tries to repeat it. “Garrah.”

  That was Lilly’s first word, except it was more like “gah-rah” so she’s improved a lot since then. Katherine was furious that her daughter’s first word was my name. But what did she expect? Katherine doesn’t spend any time with her. I’ve never seen her play with her. Not once.

  Lilly’s second word was ‘dada,’ which just shows that even my dad, who’s never home, spends more time with Lilly than Katherine does. At least when my dad’s around, he doesn’t completely ignore her.

  Lilly’s no longer gripping my shirt so I set her down in front of me.

  “Garret.” I say it slow. “Try it again.”

  “Garrah.” She giggles and claps her hands. “Garrah.”

  I laugh. She’s so damn cute with her bright blond curls and blue eyes and little pink dress.

  “Garrah! Garrah!” She’s cracking herself up, giggling and clapping.

  I pick her up and hug her and kiss her cheek. “You’re funny.”

  When I found out my dad was having another kid, I was pissed. I didn’t talk to him for weeks. I thought I’d hate my new brother or sister, but then Lilly came home from the hospital and was so tiny and sweet, there was no way I could hate her. And now I love her. She’s my baby sister and I will always take care of her and look out for her.

  I complain about having to babysit her, but I actually like spending time with her. She makes living here somewhat tolerable. She’s the only person in my family who actually acts like she wants me around.

  Lilly toddles over to her basket of stuffed animals and grabs a white bear. She toddles back over to me and drops the bear in my lap. Then she goes back and gets a pink bear for herself. She always does that. She always gives me something before she gets something for herself. I don’t know anything about toddler psychology, but to me, that says there’s hope she won’t turn out like her mom. Katherine is completely selfish and wouldn’t dare do anything for anyone else unless it somehow benefitted her.

  I’m trying to make sure Lilly never acts that way. That she doesn’t become Katherine. The last thing the world needs is another Katherine.

  “Garret!”

  Speak of the devil. I look up and see Katherine standing above me, her hands on her hips, which means she’s about to yell at me.

  I ignore her and watch Lilly take another stuffed animal from the basket.

  “Why is she playing on the floor?” Katherine asks. “It’s unsanitary, and an inappropriate place to play. She’s not an animal!”

  “She’s only two,” I say. “Where exactly do you expect her to play?”

  She points to the miniature white table and chairs on the other side of the room. “She should be sitting in the chair.”

  “She won’t sit in the chair for more than two seconds. She wants to run around and play on the floor.”

  “Because you’re teaching her to do so.”

  “I didn’t teach her that. It’s just what kids her age do, which you would know if you actually spent time with her.”

  “Don’t you dare talk down to me!” she hisses.

  “As you can see, I’m talking up to you,” I say, being a smart ass as I look up at her from the floor.

  “You’re such a child! I’m counting the days until you leave for college.”

  “Yeah. Me too. Believe me, I’d go right now if I could.”

  Lilly toddles toward me at a running pace. I open my arms and she slams into my chest.

  I fall back onto the floor, letting her think she tackled me. “You got me!”

  She laughs and hugs my chest. “Garrah.”

  Katherine huffs. “Make sure she eats her dinner.” She storms out of the room.

  “She should get the worst mother of the year award,” I say to Lilly. She giggles, which makes me laugh. Thank God for Lilly. I’d never laugh if it weren’t for her.

  I hear the front door open downstairs. My grandparents must be here.

  “Holton, good to see you again,” I hear Leland say. He has the loudest damn voice. I’m all the way upstairs and can still hear him.

  My grandfather is friends with Leland. My dad said Katherine’s family and our family have been friends for years. My parents used to go to parties at their house. I’ve always wondered what my mom thought about them, but I don’t dare ask my dad or he’d kill me. Don’t talk about your mother, he says, whenever I ask about her.

  I’m sure my mom didn’t like them. I wonder what she thought of Katherine. I bet Katherine was a bitch to my mom. Katherine hates poor people, and although my mom didn’t grow up poor, she wasn’t from this high society world I now live in, which means Katherine would never accept her.

  Katherine was only a teenager when my parents got married. And now she’s married to my dad. If my mom knew that, she’d be pissed, especially if she knew how Katherine treats me.

  My phone rings and I sit up, setting Lilly next to me on the floor. I yank my phone out and answer it. “Yeah.”

  “Hey. You coming over?” It’s Decker, one of my friends from school.

  “Later. I have to watch Lilly.”

  “When can you leave?”

  “I don’t know. It’s a school night, so technically I’m not supposed to go out. But my dad’s having a dinner party, so he probably won’t even notice I’m gone. Lilly will be in bed by eight. Can you pick me up?“

  “Yeah. Blake’s having his driver pick everyone up and we’re all going over to his house.”

  “Why do we have to hang out with Blake? You know I hate that guy.”

  “Yeah, but his parents don’t care if we drink. Oh, and Ava’s going to be there.”

  Ava’s a girl at my school. She’s a short brunette with big breasts who flirts with me all the time. We’ve made out and taken things pretty far, but we haven’t had sex yet. She’s 15, like me. I think she’s still a virgin. I’m not. I slept with a girl last summer at camp. My first time wasn’t great but I’m ready to try again. I’m just not sure I want to do it with Ava. I think she’s one of those girls who could turn psycho if you start dating and then break up with her. And I don’t need that shit. I have enough problems to deal with.

  “Tonight could be the night,” Decker says. “Blake’s house has plenty of open rooms. You think you’ll do it with her?”

  Lilly’s running around the room and I’m trying to keep an eye on her. This probably isn’t a conversation I should be having while babysitting my little sister.

  “No, not tonight,” I say.

  “Why not? You know she wants it. She was practically begging you for it at the party last weekend.”

  “That’s why I’m not really into her. She’s too needy. I like a challenge. A girl who makes me work for it.”

  “Shit. I can’t believe you’d turn her down. I wouldn’t turn any girl down. But I guess if I had girls lining up to be with me, like you do, I could be picky.”

  Decker has trouble getting girls. He hasn’t even kissed a girl yet. As for me? I’ve lost track of how many girls I’ve kissed. Decker wasn’t ex
aggerating. I have girls lining up to date me. I don’t know why. Maybe because I play sports and work out a lot.

  Lilly starts climbing on me. “I have to go,” I tell Decker. “Get here at eight. I’ll sneak out if I have to.”

  We hang up and I play with Lilly until it’s time for dinner. Then I take her downstairs. On my way to the kitchen, I run into my grandparents.

  “There’s my girl,” my grandmother says, taking Lilly from me. Ever since Lilly was born, my grandmother has lost all interest in me. I guess she likes granddaughters better than grandsons. Or maybe she just doesn’t like teenagers.

  “Garret,” my grandfather says.

  “Hello, Grandfather.”

  My grandfather is a strange man. He’s so formal. It’s like he never relaxes. Not even when he’s around family.

  “Your father said you made the honor roll,” he says.

  “Yes.” I’m surprised my dad told him that. He pays so little attention to me that I didn’t think he even knew I made the honor roll.

  “Keep it up,” my grandfather says. “You’ll need top grades to get into Yale. The Kensington name will only get you so far.”

  I just nod. I don’t want to go to Yale, but according to my grandfather, it’s my only option. I haven’t even thought about where I want to go to college, but Yale is too close to home. I need to go somewhere far away. Maybe California.

  “Holton, don’t pressure the boy,” my grandmother says. “He’s only 15.”

  “He’s not a child, Eleanor. I had Pearce working at the company at 16. It’s time Garret stepped up and started taking on more responsibility.”

  “What’s everyone discussing out here?” my dad asks as he meets us in the hall.

  “Garret’s future,” my grandfather says. “We need to get him working at the company after school and on weekends.”

  My dad puts his arm around me, which he rarely does. “He’s not working there, Father. He’s only 15. He needs to focus on school.”

  “He’d have time to work there if he wasn’t wasting all his time on sports and in that damn pool.”

  “Holton!” Eleanor says, shielding Lilly’s ears. “Don’t use such words around the children.”

  “Why don’t you two go into the dining room?” my dad says. “Dinner will be starting shortly.” He takes Lilly, and my grandparents go down the hall and into the dining room.

  My dad kisses Lilly’s cheek. “Thank you for taking care of her tonight,” he says to me.

  “After I have dinner with her, I have to go.”

  “Go where?”

  “To Blake’s house. He’s having Decker and some other people over.”

  “You’re not allowed to go out on school nights.”

  “And yet you make me babysit on a school night. And you don’t even pay me for it. The least you could do is let me hang out with my friends for an hour or two.”

  He sighs. “Is your homework done?”

  “Yes.” It’s not entirely true. I still have math problems to work on.

  He considers it, then says, “Will Blake’s parents be there?”

  “Yeah. You can call them if you don’t believe me.”

  My dad has no idea that Blake’s parents actually encourage him and his friends to party and drink. Blake’s dad is the state attorney general so my dad assumes the guy is really strict, but he’s not at all. But I’d never tell my dad that.

  He sighs again. “Fine. But you need to be home by ten.” He hands me Lilly, then goes back to the dining room.

  Lilly and I go down to the kitchen. Charles has dinner plated and waiting on the kitchen table.

  “Hi, Garret.” He smiles. “How was your day?”

  Charles is the only one who ever asks me that. On most days, I talk to Charles more than I talk to my dad.

  “It was okay. I got a B plus on that English paper.”

  If I said that to my dad, he’d have no clue what I’m talking about.

  “That’s great! I know you spent a lot of time on it.” He wipes the counter down. “How was swim practice?”

  “Awesome.” I set Lilly in her high chair and she kicks and screams. She always wants to eat sitting on my lap. I lift her out of the chair and sit down at the table with her. She’s happy again now that she’s on my lap. I reach over and take her plate off the high chair tray and set it next to mine.

  “I beat my own time today at practice,” I say to Charles. “Coach said if I get just a little faster, I’ll break a school record.”

  I reach around Lilly to cut my piece of chicken. Hers is already cut into small chunks and she’s eating it with her fingers. It’s hard to eat my meal with a constantly moving toddler on my lap, but it’s better than having her scream.

  Charles sits across from us. “The English paper? Your swim times? That’s a lot of accomplishments in one day.”

  I shrug. “Wish my dad thought so,” I mumble, but I’m sure Charles heard.

  “If your mother—” He stops, because he’s not supposed to talk about her. He gets up and goes to the sink.

  “If my mother what?” I ask him. “My dad’s not here. You can say it.”

  He turns to me and smiles. “She’d be very proud of you. And if she knew you were still swimming…well, it would make her very happy.”

  “Yeah.” I gaze down at my plate. I’m not really hungry anymore.

  Thinking about my mom always makes me miss her, and when I miss her, I feel sick. I want her back. I want to go back in time and save her. I almost stopped her from going on that trip, and I always tell myself that if I’d just tried harder, maybe she never would’ve gone. Then she’d be alive, and my dad would be happy, and I’d be happy, and we wouldn’t live in this giant house with that bitch, Katherine.

  Why did the plane crash have to happen? Everything was so perfect, and then it all ended and it’s never been the same.

  “Garrah!” Lilly’s holding a piece of carrot up to my face. I pretend to bite her fingers as I take it from her. She laughs and falls back on my chest.

  “Come on, Lilly.” I point to her plate. “You need to eat your dinner.”

  She sits up again and picks at her chicken. But I’ve lost all interest in mine.

  “Remember that day?” I ask Charles. “When I asked her to stay?”

  That day is still so fresh in my mind. Like it happened just yesterday. My mom, Dad, and I had gone out for pancakes in the morning, then went to my basketball game in the afternoon. Charles was at our house that day, making cookies for a bake sale.

  He sets his dish rag down, his face serious. “Yes. I remember. But I’d already left when you asked her.”

  “But before you left, my mom seemed happy, right? I mean, she wanted to go?”

  “Garret.” He comes back to the table. “You shouldn’t relive this. You can’t go back and change it.”

  “I know. But just tell me.”

  “Yes. She wanted to go. She was excited about it. She and your dad hadn’t been on a trip together, just the two of them, for a long time.”

  “Dad won’t tell me anything about that weekend. I’ve asked him, but he won’t tell me.”

  “It’s hard for him to talk about.”

  “It’s been five years. By now, he should be able to tell me.” I set my fork on my plate. “I don’t even have a photo of her.”

  Charles sighs. “Your father never should’ve thrown those out.”

  “I went online and printed out the ones I could find of her. There weren’t that many, but at least it’s something. Don’t tell my dad.”

  “I won’t.” He pauses. “Garret, maybe you should see someone again.”

  “I’m not going to counseling again. I’ve talked about it enough. Like you said, I can’t change the past.”

  Katherine storms into the kitchen. “Charles, the potatoes were completely overcooked!”

  He rolls his eyes as he stands up, but he’s facing me so only I could see his eye roll. I laugh.

  “Wha
t’s so funny?” Katherine asks.

  “You. Complaining about the potatoes, when millions of people are starving right now.”

  “What is she doing?” Katherine points to Lilly, who’s stuffing a piece of chicken in her mouth.

  “Eating her dinner,” I answer, knowing that’s not what she’s asking. But I like pissing Katherine off. I used to try to get along with her, but it was completely pointless. No matter what I say, she finds a way to turn it into a fight.

  “What is she doing on your LAP instead of in her CHAIR?” she asks, her voice raised.

  “She didn’t like the chair,” I say casually, as I take a bite of potatoes. “They’re not overcooked,” I say to Charles. He gives me a smile, but Katherine can’t see it because he’s facing the sink.

  “She needs to be in her high chair, Garret. It is unacceptable for…”

  She keeps talking but I just ignore her. I check the clock. It’s almost eight. Lilly has eaten most of her dinner, so I push my chair back and get up and take Lilly over to Katherine.

  “She’s all yours.” I hold her in front of me.

  She steps back, motioning to her white dress. “I can’t take her. Her hands are a mess.”

  “You’re saying you won’t hold your own daughter?”

  Charles comes over and takes her. “I’ll clean her up.” He takes her to the sink and starts wiping her hands.

  I turn to leave and hear Katherine yelling at me, “Where are you going? You have to watch her!”

  “I’m going out. Dad said it was okay.”

  “But we have two more courses to be served!” she yells as I walk away. She cares more about her dinner party than her daughter. Worst. Mother. Ever!

  I go up to my room and change clothes and put on some cologne. I’m only going out tonight so I can drink. I’ve been drinking a lot lately and my dad doesn’t even care. Not that I want him yelling at me about my drinking. No kid wants that. But the fact that I can come home completely drunk and he doesn’t even say anything just proves that he’s given up on me. He doesn’t even care enough to save me from my own destructive habits. So I just keep doing them.

  If I keep drinking this much, I’ll probably become an alcoholic before I even get to college, especially since no one’s trying to stop me. Part of me keeps hoping that one of these days, my dad will notice what I’m doing and ground me or punish me some other way. At least that would show that he cared.