“I understand. I love you Luke. I have to go. Bunny’s mother is calling.”
“I love you Kimber. Call me anytime. I’ll probably be by to pick up a few things later today if that’s okay with you.”
“Of course. Bye Luke.”
“Goodbye Kimber.”
Luke hung up his phone. He put his third chained smoked cigarette of the morning out in the ashtray, and then he put his head in his hands and cried.
Sierra
When her phone rang and she saw that it was Paul, she almost didn’t answer. Nathan was teething and in a terrible mood and she didn’t want to think about what Paul had done. But she knew that she couldn’t avoid him.
She put her wireless headset on and pushed the button to answer. She couldn’t have a phone to her ear at the moment because Nathan was fussy and wanted to be held. She paced the floor with him.
“Hello.”
“Sierra.”
“Who else did you expect it to be when you called my cell phone?” She sighed. “I’m sorry. The baby is in a bad mood and with what happened last night, I am too.”
“Oh babe, I can never tell you how sorry I am. Can you ever forgive me?”
“That’s the problem Paul. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I can be married to a man that has a child with another woman; that impregnated her during our marriage, no matter how much I love him. I do love you, but this is so much to deal with. It breaks my heart to think of divorcing you, but until I can look you in the eye and tell you without lying that I can continue to be your wife when you have a child with another woman, it’s not fair to pretend. You understand that don’t you?”
Paul sighed. “I do.”
“Have you talked to Kimber?”
“Yeah. We got all of the DNA test and visitation stuff out of the way. I do plan to take a test and I do plan on being a part of the child’s life if it is mine. I think that we would all be a lot better off if it’s Luke’s, and I’m sure it probably is, but none of our minds will be at ease until we know for sure.”
“Does she want child support if the kid’s yours?”
“We didn’t really discuss that. I don’t think that money is a big issue with her. And it’s definitely not like she got pregnant for the money.”
“I know. I probably sound like such a bitch, but I can’t explain to you how I felt when you told me. I know that you felt bad when you found out about me and Luke, but this is different. It involves a kid and that makes everything so much more complicated. But I’m not going to yell at you for being a dumbass again, even though you acted like one. You were being a man and thinking with your penis and Kimber was being a woman and thinking with her betrayed heart. We all wish you two had been a whole hell of a lot smarter about this whole thing I’m sure, but me bitching at you isn’t going to change anything. I’m glad that you decided that if the kid is yours that you want to be a part of his or her life. That’s the type of guy you are though. Some guys would look at the kid as a mistake and make the woman raise it by herself if her husband didn’t stand by her.”
“Yeah. Do you think that there’s any kind of a chance for us Sierra? I’ll wait for ten years if I have to. I love you and I am so sorry.”
“Honey, I would love to tell you that I’m perfect and could be like a stepmother or whatever in the hell it would be to Kimber’s baby if it’s yours with no reservations, but I can’t tell you that now and I honestly don’t know that I will ever be able to. I’m not going to put an innocent child through that. For a long time, I didn’t feel like my stepdad loved me the way he would have loved a child of his own. Hell, I didn’t feel like my own mother loved me half the time. I’m not going to put a child through what I went through only worse. If we got divorced and you were with someone that treated Nathan any differently than they would treat their own child, I would fight you tooth and nail to keep them away from him.”
“Oh Sierra, I just want to take it back. I don’t want to lose you. It hurts so badly to think of losing you.”
“It hurts to think of losing you too Paul. But I’m not going to lie to you.”
Nathan started crying. Sierra sighed. “Oh baby, I know you don’t feel good. I wish there was something more I could do for you.”
“Are his teeth still bugging him?”
“Yes. I gave him a little bit of medicine and some teething gel and teething toys, but he’s still miserable. He wants to be held all of the time. And he’s getting so big that it’s hard for me to hold him. My arms get so tired.”
“Don’t you still have the baby carrier?”
“He doesn’t like it. I think I might have to take him for a drive or something to put him to sleep. I’d take him to the doctor, but they’ll just tell me that there’s nothing that they can do that I haven’t already been doing because he doesn’t have a fever or anything else wrong with him.”
“I’m sorry. Can I take you out to dinner tonight?”
“Paul, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’d say that you could home and sleep in the guest room, but it hurts too much to think of seeing you every day. You are more than welcome to take Nathan whenever you want to of course, but I can’t be your wife right now. Okay, I know that I am your wife, but you know what I mean.”
“Yeah. Do you want me to take Nathan for a while?”
Sierra bit her lip. She knew she’d have to see him sooner or later, but it hurt just talking to him. “Um.”
“You don’t have to let me if you don’t want to. But you sound tired, like maybe you could use a break.”
“I could. Why aren’t you at work?”
“I took a personal day.”
“Oh. If you want to pick Nathan up you can. We’ll figure something out about visitation or I guess you can just take him whenever you want as long as you call first. Okay, this is going to sound really bitchy but I have to ask you.”
“Okay.”
“Um, since we’re technically going to be separated, do I need to get a job now instead of waiting? I feel really terrible asking you that so soon after you told me about what happened with Kimber, but I need to know.”
“I hate to think of divorcing you, but I believe that even if you were working they would probably ask me to pay you alimony on top of child support. I never thought of taking you off of the joint accounts or not paying the bills or trying to be an asshole when this was my fault, or take away anything that you needed or even wanted. I love you Sierra. You can spend money just like you always have. It’s not like you ever spent a lot of extra anyway.”
“Thank you Paul. It feels so strange to be talking about stuff like this. I miss you already but it’s not fair to anyone to pretend like everything’s normal.”
“I know. I need to check out of this hotel and see if I can find a place that you can rent by the week with a kitchen and stuff. Is it okay if I pick Nathan up early this afternoon?”
“Yeah. I’ll see you.”
“Bye Sierra. I love you.”
“I love you too Paul. I’m not going to pretend I don’t. But it doesn’t mean that we can put a bandage over it and make this go away. I’ll see you later. Thank you.”
Sierra pushed the button to end her call. Nathan had fallen asleep, but when she tried to put him down in the playpen he woke up and started screaming. She felt a little like screaming herself. She retrieved her son and took him to the kitchen with her while she made him a bottle.
He drank the formula, but his tears were back as soon as he had finished. Sierra paced the floor with her son, and when his tears didn’t ease, she cried a little too, but for a completely different reason.
Paul
Paul checked out of the hotel. The place had been a dump, but it was the only place he could find with a vacancy since there was some kind of convention in town. His heart ached to think that he had screwed his marriage up so badly. He didn’t blame Sierra for asking him the questions that she had. But he would have given her every last dime he ever made if it co
uld take back what he had done.
He had a headache and he was glad that he hadn’t gone to work. He was tempted to take his vacation but he knew that he should probably save it for when it was time to hear the results of the DNA test. The very thought of taking such a test, of what he had done to have to do such a thing, sickened him. It made him feel like the lowliest scum that had ever walked the earth to think that he had enjoyed having sex with a woman besides his wife.
He knew that plenty of men had affairs. And it wasn’t as if he didn’t find other women attractive. But he couldn’t look at his wife and think that there was a more beautiful woman on the planet either. Sierra could be a bitch, and she certainly had a temper, but she was smart and she was kind and she was the woman that he loved and would always love.
The thought of divorcing her, of her not carrying his last name anymore, put such a feeling of dread into his heart that he could hardly stand to think about it.
He went into a convenience store to get a cup of coffee. He thought about buying a donut or something else to eat, but he didn’t think he could stomach anything. He had never looked at his life before and worried that there wasn’t hope for the future, not even when Sierra had made the confession of her affair with Luke.
The woman behind the counter smiled at him. He thought that it was flirtatious and stopped himself from giving her a dirty look. He made a point of reaching for his wallet with his left hand to make sure that she saw his wedding ring. The woman gave him a strange look as she handed him his change. He wondered if he had somehow offended her.
Then again he thought as he returned to his car, he had never been good with women. He knew that women found him attractive. Women had been telling him he was handsome, sexy or hot since he was a teenager, but he had never taken advantage of it the way that he was sure some men would have.
After his high school girlfriend had given him an STD, he had pretty much given up hope of finding a nice girl that would love him for who he really was and not just the way that he looked. He had gone out on a few dates in college before Sierra, but most of the girls had been shy and not at all interested in sex.
When he’d met Sierra, he’d been taken with her beauty but had waited a long time to ask her out. She had a reputation as being stuck up or a lesbian around school because she turned down every guy that asked her out. He’d caught her looking at him and thought she was interested, but he had been so nervous when he’d asked her out that he had had the uncomfortable feeling that he was going to pee in his pants.
Her sex drive had always astounded him. He had been under the impression that women very rarely liked sex as much as men did, and that they almost never liked it more than men did. She had honestly scared the crap out of him the first time she’d seduced him. He had wanted her very much, but he’d been so afraid that he wouldn’t perform well or that he would ejaculate prematurely. He’d always been sure that their first time together hadn’t been any good for her.
He supposed that her relationship with Luke had something to do with her sex drive and since her affair, it had always bugged him to think that she compared his bedroom skills to Luke’s. He was sure that if she decided to take him back, he would be forever worrying that he wasn’t living up to her expectations in bed.
Paul wasn’t full of self-doubt. He knew that he did well at his job and had deserved the promotion and the raise that had allowed them to move and to buy a house instead of renting; that had allowed Sierra to stay home to raise their son instead of going back to work like she had planned. He knew that she loved her job, but she enjoyed taking care of Nathan so much and he didn’t want to take that away from her. He wouldn’t take that away from her even if they did end up getting divorced.
He wasn’t quite sure how he would be able to take care of his family and another child, and pay for a place of his own though. He made good money, but their mortgage wasn’t cheap and his car payments were higher than they had been since he had traded his old car in after they had moved. Sierra’s car was almost paid off, but they’d planned on buying her a nicer car. He wanted to be able to give her whatever she wanted, even if she was no longer his wife.
The thought that he’d give her anything even if she kicked him to the curb for acting like a brainless wonder made him feel a little pathetic, but Paul knew that Sierra wouldn’t take advantage of him. She could be a bitch and sometimes cussed like a man with a very dirty mouth, and she might hate him right now, but he knew that she wouldn’t treat him unfairly.
He drove aimlessly for a while, trying to clear his head. It didn’t work, so he set about looking for a weekly motel that wasn’t too big of a dump but that didn’t cost too much either, some place that he wouldn’t cringe at keeping his son overnight in.
He was able to find a place that was well suited for his purposes. It wasn’t too expensive and it was clean and halfway close to his job. He paid for a month, because it was cheaper that way, hoping against hope that Sierra would find it in her heart to forgive him before then, but knowing all the same that she probably wouldn’t.
Sierra
The second night that Sierra spent without Paul was even harder than the first, especially since he had dropped by and taken Nathan for a few hours to give her a break. She woke up in the middle of the night, started crying and couldn’t stop. By the time she was able to fall back asleep, it was way too close to comfort to the time that Nathan usually awoke. She hoped that she’d be able to nap with him during the day or she wasn’t sure how she was going to make it through.
The days felt long and empty. Friday night Paul came to pick up Nathan again. It hurt to look at him. He was so handsome and she wanted to fall right into his arms and beg him to come home. But she knew that it wasn’t fair to either of them.
She handed him the diaper bag and made sure that Nathan was securely strapped into his car seat. Their son smiled up at her and she took his hand and kissed it. “Bye sweet pea. Mama loves you.”
“Sierra?”
She looked at Paul, though she’d been trying to avoid his eyes since she’d answered his knock. “Yes?”
“Can I kiss you, or at least hug you?”
“No. Just because I miss you doesn’t mean that I need to add any more complicated emotion into it.”
“Sierra, can we talk?”
“Paul, if you want to talk, call me after Nathan’s down for the night. It shouldn’t take too long. It’s already past his normal bedtime.”
“I’m sorry. I had to stay late at work.”
“You always have to stay late at work. If you were a different kind of man, I’d think that you were having an affair with your secretary.”
“Have you seen my secretary?”
Sierra shrugged. “She’s big but she’s very pretty. I thought maybe your tastes had changed after you were with Kimber since Luke mentioned that she’s tall and not super skinny. Wow, that was out of line. I am going to put my bitchy attitude away. There’s enough room for the playpen in your room right?”
“Yes honey. I’ll call you soon. Please can I hug you? I miss the way you smell.”
“Stop it or you’ll make my bitchy self come right back out.”
Paul sighed. “Sorry. Goodnight Sierra.”
“Bye Paul. Take good care of my little man for me.”
“I will. You look beautiful by the way.”
“Uh uh. I am not going to tell you how good you look to me.”
Paul smiled. “I think you just did. Bye Sierra.”
Paul picked up the car seat. She opened the door for him and then watched her husband and son until they were gone into the night.
Paul
Though Paul enjoyed taking care of his son and missed him, the minutes until he was asleep seemed endless. He wanted to talk to Sierra. He took one last look at the wonder that he and Sierra had created and then took his cell phone with him into the kitchen, where he could still keep an eye on Nathan.
She picked up on the third ring and g
ave him a tired sounding “Hello.”
“You sound tired babe. Should I let you go to sleep?”
“Paul you’re the one that said we needed to talk. So talk.”
“I know that what I told you was a huge shock, but we haven’t really talked about it calmly. Since it’s been a few days, I thought that maybe we could do that.”
“Do you think that my feelings have changed?”
“Well, maybe a little. I miss you so much Sierra.”
“I miss you too, but it doesn’t mean that I’m ready to accept the fact that you impregnated Luke’s wife.”
“It bothers you even more that she’s Luke’s wife doesn’t it?”
“Yes it does. Could you possibly have made things more uncomfortable for the people involved? It’s bad enough that you slept with a married woman, but did you have to do it with Luke’s wife?”
“I wouldn’t have done it with another woman. We did it to get back at you and Luke. I never thought about cheating on you before that. And I don’t feel like I can keep up with you in the bedroom, let alone you and another woman at the same time.”
“Paul you are by no means bad in bed. But other than the first time we had sex and I totally seduced you, we were together for months before we just had sex. It’s okay to screw. Making love is great, but you wanting to screw me doesn’t mean that you don’t love me. And it feels really good too.”
“I’m always afraid that I’m going to disappoint you. Especially if it’s short.”
“You’re fantastic at foreplay. When you let go and let yourself forget that you’re so damned uptight, you usually get me off before we ever have sex.”
“I don’t want to just get you off. I don’t want to screw my wife. Isn’t it supposed to be making love when you love the person that you’re with? You said that you made love with Luke.”
Sierra sighed. “Well, if you want to look at it that way you can. But I think that at least part of the reason it’s easier for Luke and I to think of what we did as making love is because it somehow makes it feel like it was less wrong.”
Misty Reigenborn Romance Boxed Set Page 18