N K Smith - [Old Wounds 03]

by Weight of the World (epub)

  “Do you like reading the Bible or about God in general?”

  I shrugged my answer. It wasn’t about liking or disliking it.

  “Do you want to talk about God?”

  I shook my head.

  “What would you like to talk about?”

  I wanted to say “nothing,” because I didn’t like talking and he was still someone who was only here because Stephen and Robin thought my mind wasn’t right.

  I thought about the best thing I could and my mouth responded. “I-I hhhhave a g-girlfriend.”

  Dr. Emmanuel smiled. “What’s she like?”

  “P-p-pretty.”

  “Most girlfriends are,” he responded with a chuckle in his voice.

  I didn’t want him to think that Sophie was just beautiful. He needed to know how smart she was. “She’s v-vvvery in-int-int-t-t-t…” As I tried to push out the word, my hands curled into balls on my thighs and despite that I was alone in the room with him, my eyes pinched shut. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get that word out, so I shifted and used another. “Smart.”

  “What’s the best thing about her?”

  There were so many good things about Sophie. It was hard to pick one as the best. “She d-doesn’t mmmmind that I ssssssound ssss-ssst-tupid w-when I t-t-talk.”

  I shook my head. It was horrible to say that the best thing about her was that she accepted me. That made it sound like if any girl accepted my stutter, she would be as good or important as Sophie.

  “What?” he asked, his head nodding slightly at in my direction.

  “That’s n-not the b-b-b-best thing ab-b-bout her.”

  He smiled, and the implied question hung in the air until I decided how to answer.

  “W-when she ssssmiles, i-it b-b-breaks and c-consumes me. W-when she c-cries, I-I-I ache and mourn ffffor hhher.”

  “So you’re a musician and a poet, it seems. If your girlfriend is what inspires emotion, she would be considered your muse.”

  “I w-want to have ssssex with her,” I blurted and could just barely contain the panic I felt when I realized that I had. I couldn’t look at him. I felt incredibly sick to my stomach and I wanted to launch myself up and out of this room, but my body held firm to the chair.

  “But?”

  My muscles were frozen, just like my mind, but my mouth spoke. “But ssssssomeone hhhurt hhher.”

  “And?” It wasn’t as if he was saying that her pain shouldn’t have been a factor. He was trying to draw something out of me. “What else is holding you back?”

  I knew he knew. He probably knew more about me than I would have ever wanted him to, but just like Robin, he would make me say everything I didn’t want to say.

  I let out a shaky breath and looked at my white knuckles against the tightly woven fabric of my jeans. My thoughts turned to what I would probably never be able to say out loud.

  Someone had hurt me, too.

  Saturday morning passed slowly. Like most Saturdays, I waited around for Sophie to get off work. I did what I normally did, which was play and listen to music, finish homework and read.

  I hadn’t wanted to use the keyboard in my room. Since my fingers were feeling better, I wanted to use the grand piano downstairs. It helped that I’d been playing down there for Sophie. I was growing used to it.

  One problem with playing the grand was that there was no barrier between me and everyone else in the house. I liked Jane and I enjoyed her company most days, but today I just wanted to play music and not get bothered.

  It was my desire to be left alone that made me less than thrilled when she took a seat on the chaise lounge.

  “What are you planning to do today?”

  My fingers kept going. “Sophie’s c-c-coming over.”

  She sighed and the way she did it caused me to stop playing. I turned and gave her my full attention, even if I didn’t want to. “W-w-what?”

  “All you ever do anymore is hang out with Sophie.”

  It felt like a harsh accusation, something criminal. Instantly I had to fight back my anger. I’d never been angry with Jane like this before. It felt strange and scary to be this upset with her. “Y-you hhhhang out w-with T-T-T-Trent.”

  “Yeah, but it’s not always only us. We still hang out with other people, Elliott. Don’t you think you guys should branch out, expand your group of friends beyond the two of you?”

  No. No, I did not think I needed to do that. There was no reason to be involved with other people when all they did was judge me and make me nervous. “N-no. N-no one else underst-st-stands.”

  A look of hurt passed over her features and instantly I realized that she would take issue with it. “I understand you.”

  “That’s n-not w-what I meant.” I could tell this wasn’t going to end well. She had already taken offense to my simple statement, and experience told me that once she felt wounded, there was no turning back. She was already tugging at the hoops through her ear. That was always an early sign of her agitation.

  “Well, what did you mean then?”

  I shook my head. “I w-w-w-want t-t-to hhhhhhang out w-w-with hhhher.”

  The set of Jane’s jaw and the sharp glare of her eyes made me nervous. My hands curled again and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. The instantaneous anger of just a moment ago morphed into something akin to fear and confusion.

  Jane didn’t like me spending so much time with Sophie. She was one of the very few people I trusted and she was giving me her angry face. I didn’t want her to be angry or upset with me, but I wanted to spend time with Sophie.

  “D-d-don’t you liiiike hhher?”

  “I like her just fine, but you can’t spend all your time with just one person. It’s not healthy.”

  I moved off of the piano bench and away from the corner of the room, needing to put some distance between us. “N-n-not hhhhhealthy?”

  Was it “healthier” to spend all my time alone like I used to? Was it “healthier” to hate all or most human contact? Wasn’t it better that I was at least spending time with someone I felt comfortable with?

  She was right if she was implying that I was spending less time with her, but it wasn’t like I’d hung out with Jane more than once a week anyway.

  “She’s got problems. You know that, right?”

  Of course I knew she had “problems,” but so did everyone else I knew. I turned and saw that she was looking directly at me. I wanted to escape her gaze.

  “W-w-what d-d-do you kn-know ab-b-bout SSSophie?”

  Jane stood up and I took a step back toward the door. The fear was gone and I was back to being angry.

  “She’s not exactly …”

  When she didn’t continue, I should have turned around and left the room, but I didn’t. I just stood there, waiting for her to say something.

  “She’s not the type of person who can be a great friend.”

  I wished I didn’t stutter. I would have let her know that her opinion was not only wrong but also unjust since Jane didn’t spend nearly as much time with her as I did. Sophie could be a really good friend. She was my best friend and she knew more about me than anyone else did.

  “Look, we’re all going to go see a movie. Why don’t you guys come with us? You’ll still be hanging out with her but also with us. It’ll be good for you.”

  There were a lot of things I enjoyed about Jane, but her persistent optimism wore on me. She knew that I would never be able to go to a packed movie theater on a Saturday night. It had been nerve-wracking enough to go to the film festival with Sophie, but not many people wanted to see obscure Russian films, so there had been only a smattering of people.

  But on a Saturday night, the theater would be filled to capacity. It wasn’t as if they would be going to see a lesser-known
film. I knew they’d go see whatever just came out.

  “I-I-I’m n-not g-g-g-going to G-G-Gaithersb-b-burg or F-F-Frederick t-t-to …”

  Jane cut me off with a dramatic sigh and I gritted my teeth in response. “Never mind. Just hang out with her exclusively then, but don’t be shocked and sad when she messes up and you’re left with no one.”

  “Shhhhhhhut up, J-Jane.”

  She stood up with a scandalized look and walked out without another word. I didn’t care. She was acting like a jealous brat for no reason. Everyone wanted me to have someone in my life and now I did.

  It was right before I went to pick Sophie up from work when Trent got in my face for what he referred to as my “messing with” Jane. Normally, I might have been upset and potentially panicked at being accosted by him or anyone else, but tonight I just stood there and let him get in my face. David was nervous, but he didn’t stop it. He just hovered behind Trent, looking ready to spring into action if needed.

  When he was finished telling me that I had no right to make his girlfriend feel bad about inviting me to a movie, my only response was to look at Jane, who stood several feet away with her arms wrapped around her torso.

  Part of me really wished that Trent would hit me, because then I could hit him back. It seemed like it would feel good to throw my fist in his face. He didn’t know what he was talking about and it was ridiculous for Jane to involve him when I simply told her that I didn’t want to go with them.

  True, I didn’t have to tell her to shut up, but I’d grown tired of listening to her.

  I was tired of being poor Elliott who was intimidated by everything and everyone. I didn’t need to intimidate back, but I wanted them all to know that I was different now. I would no longer be a robot and follow along. “Hhhhhhhave fffffun at the m-m-movie.”

  Any residual anger I’d felt toward Jane or Trent faded as soon as I saw Sophie and we were both sitting back on my bed, her back pressed against my chest as she sat between my legs. Everything in my world was close to perfect.

  We’d been sitting like this for a while in comfortable and enjoyable silence.

  Sophie wasn’t sad today and I’d been graced by her smile three times already.

  “Elliott?”

  “Hmm?” My arms tightened around her. I loved the feel of her within them.

  “This is Bonnie Raitt.”

  “Yes.”

  “Tom listens to her. I know her music and I’m pretty sure she’s country.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. She seemed determined when we listened to music together to link me to the country genre, forcing me to admit that I not only listened to some, but that I liked it.

  “I d-don’t think so,” I answered, hoping she could hear my smile.

  Sophie shifted in my arms, her hand moving to rest over my thumping heart. “She’s singing about cowboys.”

  “So?” I wouldn’t give it to her easily.

  “So? So, it’s country! This is country music. Admit that you like it.”

  I smiled wider. It was more blues than country, but when I met Sophie, she knew very little about music, so I could forgive her mistake. “B-Bonnie R-Raitt isn’t c-country, Sophie, she …”

  “Don’t tell me she ‘transcends genre.’ She’s a country singer. She sings country songs. You like country. Say it!”

  I loved her smile.

  “O-okay,” I said, even though I didn’t think she was country. “Mmmaybe I lllike a llllittle c-country.”

  “I knew it!”

  Her smile was so bright. I felt warm and happy. I hoped that I could make her smile like this all the time.

  I wanted to tell her how I felt about her. She’d heard it through my music, but I wanted to verbalize it, even if it came out stunted and stupid, it would still be out there.

  But before I could open my mouth, I moved my hand up. I meant to stop at her neck. I wanted to feel the little marks the fork had left behind, but I ended up brushing her cheek instead.

  She flinched.

  I could tell that she tried not to react, but I knew better than anyone that sometimes you couldn’t help how your body responded.

  Her smile faded and she turned around and pressed herself back into me, her hands moving my arms to hold her tightly.

  “Sorry,” she whispered.

  I kissed her hair and then rested my chin on her shoulder.

  I awoke on Sunday to a pounding headache. I hadn’t had one in a while, but this one was fierce. It was made worse when David informed me that Jane was in the hospital again. He said that she hadn’t hurt herself beyond what her nails could do, but had an “episode” in Gaithersburg last night where she mentally checked out for over three hours. It was one of her longest and even Trent couldn’t bring her back.

  I spent most of my day sitting in the hospital cafeteria, waiting for it to be okay to see her. I felt horrible because I’d told her to shut up last night. It was the last thing I’d said to her. I knew I had caused this. Trent wouldn’t talk to me, but Rebecca and David both assured me that it hadn’t been my fault.

  They didn’t know what they were talking about.

  I had known Jane for a long time and she was the only person besides Sophie that I couldn’t live without. I was one of the few people Jane actually knew. She didn’t remember a family before she was found at a “superstore” in Chicago. We sort of just adopted each other as siblings long before Stephen and Kate adopted us, and I had been mean to her.

  When we were finally allowed to see her, I waited until everyone else was done. I had no desire to watch them with her. I knew how they would act anyway. David would talk to her as if she wasn’t in the hospital again. Becca would just stand there holding David’s hand while Trent held Jane’s.

  Once everyone else had their turn, I went in and instantly I knew Jane wasn’t in her right mind. Although she smiled at me and said my name when I entered, her eyes were dull. They had taken out most of her piercings.

  At least half of her mind was somewhere else.

  I couldn’t blame her.

  Her arms were at her sides, the big off-white restraining cuffs encircling her wrists.

  When I neared her bed, she whispered, “Trent wouldn’t take these off.” Her arms moved, drawing my attention once again to the restraints.

  I moved to immediately start freeing her hands. It wasn’t right that someone else was controlling her like this.

  “I-I-I’m ssssssorry, J-J-Jaaaane.”

  She looked at me, but her only reaction was to blink and say, “The medicine is itchy.”

  When her arms were free, she rose up onto her knees and hugged herself, then looked around the room as if she hadn’t seen it before. “Don’t let them take me.”

  “They w-w-won’t.” In truth, I had no idea if they would take her back to the institution, although I hoped they wouldn’t.

  Her fingers curled and she ran her hands up and down her arms. Red streaks appeared on her skin as her body shook.

  “Sssssstop.”

  She shook her head and dug her nails harder into her skin. “I itch.”

  My chest tightened as I watched her scratch her skin to the point where the red lines began to open up, tiny beads of blood pooling on the surface. Her eyes were wild.

  “Sssstop, J-Jaaane,” I tried again, watching as she abandoned digging into her arm, one hand going to her chest to scratch vigorously and the other moved to her scalp.

  It seemed like forever, but finally I forced myself into motion. I grabbed her wrists.

  Her fingers flexed and her eyes widened. She was nearly panting.

  “Don’t let them take me.” She struggled within my hold. I could tell that while part of her wanted to be calm, there was something uncontrollable within her that wanted to make herself
bleed.

  My hold slipped on one of her arms and she dug her nails deep into the skin of her other arm. It took all of my strength to grab her wrist again and pull it away. There was blood and two of her nails were broken and barely attached.

  I moved carefully onto the bed where I sat on my knees, mimicking her position. I held her wrists to her thighs and focused on her eyes. Slowly, the wildness within them dulled and her eyes went back to being half-distant.

  I hated having to control her like this, but I didn’t want her to hurt herself any more than she already had.

  I sat with her for almost an hour before Robin and Stephen entered, looking startled as they took in the scene. Stephen was angry with me. He moved to the bed quickly, his eyes flashing to me for just a moment before focusing on Jane, wrapping his hands around her bloody forearms.

  “Wait outside,” he said to me, his eyes hot and voice hard.

  My hands wouldn’t let go.

  Robin’s fingers glided over mine and after a moment I was able to release Jane’s arms. I waited in the hall like they told me. Within the room, Jane yelled and my stomach tightened. Her yells weren’t words, just upsetting guttural sounds.

  I felt sick.

  After a half-hour, they came out.

  “Elliott,” Robin said in a soft and soothing voice. “She was restrained for a reason.”

  I nodded. I obviously knew that now.

  “You have no business making those types of decisions.” Stephen’s voice startled me with its hardness. Even when he fought with Kate, it’d never held that tenor.

  “If you cannot handle seeing her like that, then you will not be allowed in.”

  I felt my heart rate increase, just as my breathing sped up. “Relax,” Robin said, her hand moving to run up his arm and then around his shoulder.

  He turned to her. “I will not. He made a bad decision and he needs to know it.” His eyes were back on me now. “You compromised her safety and it will not happen again. Do you understand?”