Big Booty

by Cairo

  “I’m suspended.”

  “For what, bein’ stupid?”

  She sucks her teeth, then mumbles somethin’ under her breath as she points the remote toward the stereo. The music blares out of the speakers again. I walk down the hallway into the kitchen. Dickalina is standin’ over the sink washin’ some chick’s hair. She’s leanin’ back in the stylin’ chair Lina found at a yard sale last year. Penelope, a.k.a. PennyLou—a skinny, big-tittied chick from over in buildin’ six—is at the kitchen table sittin’ under a hairdryer. Dickalina has turned her kitchen into her very own mini-salon where she’s been doing hair for the last eight years.

  “Hey,” I say.

  “Hey,” Dickalina says dryly, glancin’ over her shoulder. But I don’t pay the shit no mind. I sit my bag on the table, pullin’ a chair out, then takin’ a seat.

  “Girl, I ain’t seen you in a minute,” PennyLou says, eyein’ me. “What you been up to?”

  “Not a damn thing, girl. It’s school time now so chasin’ behind my bad-ass kids is all I have time for. I just got finished droppin’ the twins off to school this mornin’ with their bad asses.”

  She laughs. “I heard that. So I see you finally comin’ through to let Lina lay ya hair right.”

  I frown. “Lay my hair right? Girl, puhleeze. I wish I would. Lina’s my girl and all, but she knows the only place I go to get my hair laid is down at Nappy No More.”

  Lina grunts. “Mmmph. Fuck her. The bitch’s too grand to let her girl hook her up. She’d rather give them high-priced bitches down at that salon her money than help her homegirl out. And the bitch knows I ain’t workin’.”

  I plop my handbag up on the table. “Ho, the last time I let you run your hands through my hair my shit fell out in clumps. I had to wear damn headwraps and wigs fuckin’ with you. Had me looking like a damn man in drag.”

  PennyLou and the girl gettin’ her hair wash laugh.

  Dickalina shoots me a scowl over her shoulder. “Ohmygod, Cassie. I can’t believe you still on that shit. That happened, what, like fifteen years ago?”

  “Try twenty. But who’s counting? The point is you fucked up my hair.”

  She rinses chick’s hair. “You need to get over it. You know I was still learnin’ about hair back then. But can’t a bitch out there fuck with me now. And you know this.”

  Okay, I won’t lie. Dickalina can slay the hell outta some hair. But, still . . . I’m not lettin’ her do my shit up in no damn dirty-ass kitchen.

  I wave her on. “Oh, Lina, puhleeze. Suck a dick, boo. I told ya ass to go get your license, then get ya ass into a shop and I’d come through and let you hook me up. But noooo, you’d rather do hair up in some makeshift shit. Sorry, I’m not doing that.”

  “Bitch, what the hell I need a license for? I already have a shop.”

  I look around the kitchen. There are dirty dishes stacked up on the stove. The recyclables can is overflowing with beer cans and liquor bottles. “And where might that be? Did I miss the openin’ or somethin’?”

  “No, ho. You’re sittin’ in it.”

  “Bitch, puhleeze.”

  She rolls her eyes, suckin’ her teeth. “PennyLou, reach over there on that cart and hand that ho a flier and one of my new business cards.”

  PennyLou reaches over and grabs one of the colored fliers from the stack and a white card, then hands them to me. I blink. The flier reads:

  DICKALINA’S SWISH ’N SWIRL SALON

  THE ONE STOP POP ’N DROP SHOP

  CUM THRU AND LET DICKALINA DUE YOU UP WRITE

  APPOINTMENTS ONLY

  ACCEPT CASH AND EBT PAYMENTS

  I’m speechless. “Dickalina’s Swish ’n Swirl? Girl, what kinda hot-ghetto shit is this? This looks like an ad for a cock-wash and ball gargle instead of a damn hair salon. What, you gonna be suckin’ dick and tongue-curlin’ balls, too?”

  PennyLou snickers. “Oooh, you wrong for that.”

  “No, this damn flier is wrong; all wrong. And who the hell wrote this mess up, anyway?”

  “Bitch,” she snaps, “you’re such a damn hater. I wrote it. Why?”

  “Mmmph. Then Candy isn’t the only one who’s retarded in the room. Her damn mammy is, too.”

  She swings chick up in her chair. “Bitch, get the fuck out! Your hatin’ ass always gotta have some fucked-up shit to say. I’m sick of you talkin’ shit about me and my kids and my gawtdamn man. Now get the fuck out!”

  I sit back in my seat. She knows I’m not leavin’ up outta here until I’m good and goddamned ready. “Well, excuse me. No need to get all sensitive on me.”

  “And there’s no need for you to be a damn hatin’-ass, evil bitch, either. But I see that ain’t stoppin’ you. If you don’t wanna be down with Swish ’n Swirl, then don’t. But keep your gawtdamn comments to ya’self.”

  I put my hands up. “Okay, okay. Geesh. From now on, I’ll keep my trap shut.”

  She rolls her eyes. “And now your black ass is lyin’.”

  I laugh.

  “Bitch, I don’t see shit funny. We ’posed to be girls, and all you ever do is talk about me. You don’t ever look out for me. You know the only money I get up in here is my welfare check and whatever little scraps Knutz gives me.” I roll my eyes. “Not a word, ho. And I mean it.”

  I laugh. “I’m not sayin’ a thing. Carry on. Obviously you have some shit to get off your chest. And that’s what girls do.”

  “Yeah, and girls have each other’s backs, too.”

  Knutz must not have come home last night. I count to ten in my head. Decide to let her have her moment. “Sooooooo, PennyLou, while Lina’s gettin’ her nut off, what you been up to?”

  “Chile, tryna find a j-o-b; that’s about it. Fuckin’ probation officer is bein’ a real cock sucka. A bitch can’t even get a job at McDonald’s, that’s how bad it is out here. I told them I’d scrub toilets if I have to. I just need a damn job.”

  “I heard that. Times are definitely hard. That’s why I keep me a few sponsors on deck to help out.”

  “Shit, girl, that’s what I need. A few good men to pay off all these damn fines I have. And my fuckin’ probation officer is ridin’ a bitch down like a hard dick. Talkin’ about she’s gonna violate me if I don’t get a job in ninety days and start payin’ my fines. I felt like tellin’ her ass, ‘Bitch, eat my ninety-day cycle.’ ”

  I ask her what she’s on probation for this time. She says for stolen checks. Says she wrote and cashed six-thousand dollars’ worth of checks usin’ a fake ID down at one of the check cashin’ spots where she had a connect.

  She eyes me. “Cassie, you stay lookin’ good, girl. When you gonna invite me over to your place for drinks?”

  I tilt my head. “PennyLou, boo. Did I ever let you up in my place when I lived over in buildin’ four?”

  “No.”

  “Okay. Then what makes you think shit’s changed now that I’ve moved out? You know we don’t roll like that. I mean, we cool in the streets and whatnot. And yeah, I fucked your brother a few times, God rest his dead, big-dicked soul. But that’s as far as it goes. I ain’t never been one to entertain a buncha nosey-ass bitches anyway. And definitely not a thievin’ one.”

  She twists her face up. “Umm, whatchu tryna say, ho?”

  I stare her down. “I already said it. No nosey bitches allowed. And no damn thieves.”

  She rolls her eyes. “First of all, I don’t steal from everyone so let’s get that straight.”

  “That’s nice. And you won’t get the chance to steal from me either.”

  “Cassie, girl. I wouldn’t do you like that.”

  I laugh. “Lies. Yes, you would. And you know it. A desperate bitch will steal from her own damn mammy if she thinks she can get away with it. The first chance you got. You’d steal the drawz off me if I had any on.”

  She waves me on. “Whatever. I see you still think you better than everyone else.”

  “Yup. Glad you realize it.” I glance over at Dickalina. �
��Lina, I met your nephew, Killah, downstairs. He’s a real piece of work. The niggah was practically tryna get some pussy from me.”

  She sucks her teeth. “That horny niggah ain’t no nephew of mine. He stays tryna fuck. And don’t even get me started on his triflin’, trigger-happy ass. That lil’ niggah is wild. And now Knutz got him hangin’ all up under him, like he’s his damn mentor or some shit. I told his ass I don’t want him stayin here, but Knutz moved him up in here anyway, talkin’ about it’s only for a few days.”

  I roll my eyes. “Girl, how the fuck is you lettin’ Knutz move anybody up in here when he don’t pay the rent? That makes no sense to me.”

  “See, bitch. There you go steppin’ all outta pocket again. Stay in ya lane, boo.”

  I tilt my head, and stare at her. This bitch is dumber than a box of crayons.

  “Anyway, Knutz does what he wants around here. He’s so fuckin’ hardheaded. He knows I’m not even supposed to have his ass up in here. And now he wants to let that lil’ crazy-ass niggah stay up in here, too. He’s really tryna fuck up my section-8.”

  I grunt. “Bitch, he’s only fuckin’ up what you let him fuck up. I see where the problem is. It’s you. Not Knutz. You the one who stays fuckin’ with his nutty ass.”

  “I know that’s right,” PennyLou says, shakin’ her head under the dryer. “It couldn’t be me. I’d have that niggah out on his ass. Everyone knows how that niggah gets down.”

  “Mmmph,” I grunt. “I’m keepin’ my trap shut on that one ’cause I’m not tryna get cursed out again. But you don’t need no young, hard, horny cock up in here any-damn-way, especially when you have two hot-in-the ass daughters flouncin’ around up in here. Next thing you know they’ll be up in here fuckin’. That is, if they haven’t already.”

  “Wait a minute. Why in the hell is you always callin’ my daughters hot-in-the ass, when your daughter is just as hot in the ass as mine, if not hotter?”

  “Lina, puhleeze. Grip a dick, bitch. Yeah, I know Day’Asia’s a lil’ ho-ish, but at least I admit it. You, on the other hand, wanna deny the facts that your daughters are sluts.”

  She stops what she’s doin’, placin’ a wet hand up on her apron-covered hip. “Oh, you wait one damn minute now, bitch. You really done gone too far. I know Candy and Tina aren’t the most innocent girls out there, but they damn sure ain’t sluts, either. But, mighty funny Day’Asia was the one suckin’ a string of dicks in the stairwell. And we all know that’s why you rushed to move the hell up outta here, but I guess she ain’t no slut, now, right?”

  “Yeah, Day’Asia was the one who got caught. But don’t get it twisted. Clitina was the head ho in charge of the dick suckin’ committee. But I ain’t one to gossip. Anyway, why is Candy’s grown ass home from school?”

  She sucks her teeth. “Her ass done cursed out the principal. Now they want her to see a shrink when ain’t shit wrong with my baby.”

  “What you mean ain’t shit wrong with your baby? Chile, face it. There are two things wrong with that lie. First is, Candy has a grown woman’s pussy with lots of cock mileage on it, so she definitely not a damn baby. She lost that title the first time she popped a dick in her mouth. And the second is, she’s eighteen still in tenth damn grade. Now either she’s borderline retarded or she’s just plain ole stupid, either way . . . I don’t mean no harm here but there’s somethin’ definitely wrong with that picture. And you need help ya damn self if you can’t see it.”

  “Bitch, ain’t shit wrong with Candylicious. She’s lazy and don’t wanna do the damn work; that’s it. I keep tellin’ her ass if she’d just study harder she could pull those Eff’s up to Dees.”

  “Girl, I done heard it all. What you have in here to drink?” I glance down at my watch to make sure it’s after twelve. I don’t like to toss a drink back before noon. “I think your ass needs to see—” I stop midsentence when my cell starts ringin’. It’s from one of the kids’ schools. I take a deep breath. Answer in my professional voice. “Hello?”

  “Miss Simms?”

  “Yes. Who’s speaking?”

  “It’s Vice Principal Wiggins over at Eastside Charter Academy. I’m callin’ about your son, Isaiah . . . ”

  “Yes. What about him?”

  “We need you to come pick him up from school. He’s being suspended for the rest of the week.”

  “Whaaaat? Suspended? What the fuck you mean he’s suspended for the rest of the week? What his black ass do this time?”

  “Miss Simms, please calm down.”

  “Calm down? Oh, I’m calm. I’m calm. I’m soooo fuckin’ calm. Now what the fuck he do ’cause you know I’ma turn that school out?”

  “Please, Miss Simms. That’s what I’m hoping to avoid this time. I don’t want to have the police and DYFS called out here again. That kind of disruption is always upsetting to the students.”

  “And gettin’ a call at”—I glance at the time—“twelve-thirty in the afternoon from you is upsettin’ to me. A bitch can’t even go out and have some chill time with her girl without some shit happenin’. I’ll be right there.” I get up from the table. “Isaiah done got his black ass suspended. Now I gotta go down to the school and act a damn fool. I’ll talk to you later, girl.”

  Dickalina grunts as I walk outta the kitchen. “Mmmph. But my girls are the ones fucked up. Yeah, okay. Call me later and let me know what his bad ass did this time.”

  “Kiss my ass, Dickalina,” I say, headin’ toward the door.

  “I love you, too, bitch,” she says back, laughin’.

  I smack Candy upside the head as I walk by. “Oww!” she yelps, jumpin’ up from the sofa. “Why the fuck you hit me?”

  I swing open the door, then turn to face her. “For bein’ so goddamn ugly. Now buck, booga, so I can whoop the shit outta you.”

  She rolls her eyes, suckin’ her teeth as I slam the door in her face.

  Sixteen

  I don’t even pull into the parkin’ space good or get outta my truck before I see Wiggins’ big-dick self racing out of the school’s doors toward me. I step outta the truck, frownin’ at his ass.

  “Uh, when the fuck you start meetin’ me outside? This better be some new shit y’all doing down here with all the parents who have to pick up their kids ’cause if you only doing the shit to me, I’ma light your ass up, Wiggins. And you know I will.”

  “Now, now, Miss Simms, there won’t be any need for all that. I just thought I’d remind you to please try to keep it together when you get inside. There’s a certain etiquette that we like to maintain at all times at the Academy and I’m hoping—”

  “Wiggins, cut the shit, niggah. The only thing you need to be hoping is that I don’t tell your wife how many times I let you fuck me over the summer and how many times I might ride down on your cock this school year. I don’t need you to remind me of shit. What you tryna say? That I’m some hood-ghetto bitch or somethin’? I pay tuition here like every-goddamn-body else. Don’t have me drag your rusty ass into court for discrimination and sexual harassment, bitch.”

  His eyes pop open. “Miss Simms, please. Lower your voice; all that is unnecessary. You gave me your word that our indiscretions from this past summer would never be spoken of out in public. So, please.” He looks around to make sure no one else is in earshot. “Let’s keep this strictly about Isaiah. We all know how passionate you can get when it comes to your children’s misbehaviors.”

  “Passionate? Niggah, my pussy don’t get wet over no shit like that. You know I’m only passionate about good dick. I don’t know what kinda sick games you into, but you better watch your step. Or I’ma have your ass under investigation. Let me find out you up in there gettin’ passionate with one of these kids and I’ma have your goddamn head.”

  He blinks. “Miss Simms, I assure you I was not speaking of being passionate in a sexual sense. I merely meant you care deeply for your children and you don’t take lightly to any of their bad behaviors. I wish we had more concerned parents like you.�
��

  I put a hand up on my hip and pop my lips. “Oh. Then why ya stupid ass didn’t you say that shit in the first place instead of takin’ me there?” I see the principal bitch starin’ outta her window. She moves back when she sees me looking at her. I frown. “Now what the fuck Isaiah do this week?”

  He clears his throat. I stare at his shiny forehead. The niggah’s forehead is so damn greasy I could fry a damn chicken up on it. “Well, uh, he . . . let’s see how I can delicately put this . . . ”

  “Wiggins, will you just say it and stop with all the fuckery? I got shit to do.”

  “Well, uh, I’m sure you know Isaiah is an intelligent young man with so much potential.”

  I roll my eyes. “Is he being nominated for a school award or somethin’? If not, get to the goddamn point, Wiggins.”

  He pulls out a handkerchief and wipes his forehead. “Isaiah stood up on his chair, unzipped his trousers and exposed himself, then told the teacher to perform fellatio on him.”

  I feel my knees buckle. “That lil’ motherfucka did whaaaaat?! He told a teacher to do what? Suck his goddamn cock? Is that what I heard you say?”

  “Miss Simms, please try to stay calm.”

  “Stay calm? How the fuck you expect me to stay calm, hearing my motherfuckin’ son is up in there tellin’ teachers to suck his dick?” I hope that motherfucka used lotion this morning and didn’t pull out no ashy-ass dick or I’ma really beat the skin off his ass for embarrassing me.

  “I know this news is upsetting. And I hope you understand our concern here as well. We think it’s . . . ”

  “Wiggins, I’m not tryna hear shit else you have to say.” I start walkin’ toward the school. My heels click across the concrete. “I’m goin’ in to get my son. You can stand out here and bullshit if you want by your damn self.”

  He quickly follows behind me. “Miss, Simms, please. Remember to stay calm. We have him sittin’ in the disciplinary room. Why don’t I have you take a seat in my office while I have one of the aides bring him down to us? Then we can discuss disciplinary action further.”