Can't Get You Out of My Head
Page 26
‘James’s gambling? Well, yes. But … so have you, haven’t you?’
Beth shook her head. ‘I never knew a thing. It’s all making sense now.’
‘But … he said he’d told you. He said you ‒’
‘Didn’t want to talk about it?’
‘Yes, exactly that.’
‘I’ve been stupid.’
Putting Solomon down on the rug, Michelle approached Beth. ‘There’s always someone after him for money. He’s either got loads of cash or not a bean. He borrows from everyone. What did you think he was doing with it?’
‘I don’t know. I thought he was borrowing enough for a couple of drinks.’
Lisa butted in, ‘Yeah, a couple of drinks, maybe. We certainly didn’t expect two bloody silverback gorillas to turn up and steal the fucking television.’
Beth tried to concentrate on her conversation with Michelle. Taking a breath, she carried on. ‘You knew about his gambling right back at the start. The day he left the racecourse?’
Michelle was clearly embarrassed. ‘Yes. He came back and told me he had an addiction. He’d been unable to stay at the racecourse; the temptation was too much.’
‘And you didn’t think maybe, just maybe, it was a good idea to tell me?’
‘He promised he’d changed, he could handle it. He was going to keep walking away.’
‘I would’ve liked to have been told though.’
‘He pleaded with me not to. He thought if you knew about his problem you’d dump him. He loved you even then. I thought it was the right thing to do.’
‘Uh huh, uh huh, but … when we got together here, when I MARRIED him, then, it still didn’t seem like a good idea to tell me?’
‘I asked him one night if he’d told you. Like I say, he assured me he had. But he said you didn’t want to discuss it.’
‘And that didn’t strike you as odd? The fact my husband had told me he had a gambling habit, an addiction, and my response had been that I didn’t want to talk about it. You never suspected he could be lying?’
‘Yes, I suspected. But … I didn’t know what to think. The man comes home with bruises on his face. He asks all and sundry for money, including me and Ricky! He promised he’d told you. To be honest, I don’t see how you could not know about it.’
Beth could hear Lisa questioning, ‘How did we miss this?’
Michelle continued, ‘He’s not who we thought he was. We’re the only people who call him James. Have you noticed that? Everybody else calls him Jim.’
‘So what?’
‘I think he created “James” when he flew to Australia. He wanted to put Jim behind him. You told me his mum and brothers are awful. I think he tried to bury Jim when he made James.’
‘She’s spot on. Fuck me, Beth. We’ve been blind!’
Beth felt an absolute fool for not realising it all sooner. ‘Well, Michelle, it would seem Jim refuses to be buried.’
‘Yes …’ Michelle appeared unsure what to do next.
Beth was really mad at her friend. She could have saved her from all of this, if she’d just told her about the gambling back in Bondi. ‘You let this happen to me. You could’ve stopped this.’
‘Don’t be daft. I couldn’t stop him. He has an addiction. An illness. He should’ve told you earlier. You should’ve spotted it. I won’t be blamed. You’ve done a whole lot of sticking your head in the sand over this. I can’t be held responsible for …’
Maybe Michelle was right. It was possible Beth had been too caught up in trying for a baby, and she’d turned a blind eye to James often owing someone money. But the fact remained, Michelle knew years before about his gambling, and she’d consistently failed to enlighten her. ‘I think you need to go.’
‘I agree.’ Michelle bundled Solomon up and grabbed his change bag.
‘Take those toys with you, please?’
‘They stay at yours. They’re the ones he plays with when he’s here.’
‘He won’t be returning. Take them, please?’
‘Let’s just leave it for now. I’ll call you tomorrow, and see how you are and ‒’
‘TAKE THEM, PLEASE?’
Solomon became upset at Beth’s raised voice.
‘You don’t mean that. I know you don’t.’
‘Unless you want your son to hear the worst word there is, I suggest you get out of my house.’
Michelle gathered up the toys and left. She was crying. Solomon was crying. Beth was crying. It was a mess.
Slamming the front door on her friend, Beth was determined never to see her face again.
Going back into the lounge, she caught sight of the porcelain figurines. The adorable little bride and groom now lived on the mantelpiece. They stood side by side, as if nothing could divide them. She couldn’t have them mocking her in that way. Grabbing them, she hurled the pair against the wall. They crashed to the floor, headless, but still entwined.
Lisa snarled. ‘The buggers refuse to be separated!’
‘How can I have been so stupid?’ Beth asked her sister.
‘All aboard the lifeboats!’
Forty-seven
It was something close to 3 o’clock in the afternoon, but Beth needed a drink. She rarely drank anything stronger than a shandy. For years, she’d avoided it, to keep Lisa at bay. Then there were all the years she’d been trying to get pregnant and had been determined to eat a healthy diet. But now, well now there was no good reason whatsoever not to get smashed out of her skull. She began searching. Vodka, tequila, gin, she didn’t care.
‘Are you really going to do it?’
‘Get drunk? You bet your arse, I am.’
‘But …’
‘You think I won’t do it, because of you. You think I won’t risk letting you out.’
‘Well … you don’t usually …’
‘Lisa, I couldn’t give a monkey’s. Come out, come out, wherever you are. You can have my life. It’s crap.’
‘If you put it like that. I’m not sure I want it.’
‘Exactly. And neither do I. Come out if you want to. You certainly couldn’t mess it up any more than I have.’
‘I’m not being funny, but this is not the best time for me. If you get drunk and I come out, all I get to do is have a huge fucking row with your useless husband. It’s tempting … but … it’s not exactly fun, is it?’
Beth was still searching through the kitchen cupboards. ‘Suit yourself. I’m getting pissed. You do what you like.’
Annoyingly, she found nothing but a couple of beers. They certainly wouldn’t do the trick. She needed to send herself to oblivion, and nothing but hard liquor would do that.
Without further discussion, she ran out of the house, and fled down the road on foot to Tesco. Once in the shop, she realised she couldn’t simply ask for a bottle of spirits in the middle of the afternoon. People like Mrs Grant would think she was a lush. So she set about a rather elaborate plan to make it appear that they were having a little party. She filled a basket with some bottles of lemonade, a couple of large bags of crisps and a variety of peanuts.
Heading to the checkout, she performed a pantomime which revolved around trying to remember what else she needed. ‘Right … what was it now?’ She tilted her head on one side, to suggest she was thinking. Looking at the rows of bottles behind the cashier’s head, she said, ‘Ah yes, that’s it, a bottle of tequila, please. For the shots!’
She gave her card to the young girl, who swiped it. Whether the girl was fooled by her charade or not, didn’t really matter, because things rapidly became incredibly awkward.
‘It’s declined.’
‘It can’t be.’
‘Sorry.’ The cashier looked embarrassed.
Beth knew the mortgage didn’t come out for another few days, and there were loads of other bills which were about to be paid by direct debit. ‘There’s loads of money in there. It’s a joint account with my husband.’
‘Beth, why are you trying to explain it all to this girl? Do you thi
nk she cares if you drink tequila in the afternoon, or, for that matter, that you appear to have no money?’
‘It doesn’t say why, hun. It just says “no”. Might be a problem with the card. Do you have another one?’
‘No.’ They’d decided they wouldn’t get credit cards. Beth didn’t like the idea of running up debt and James had agreed with her. How ridiculous was that?
She had to abandon her ‘party basket’ and head home. Once there she called the bank and checked their balance. She was horrified to hear they were up to their overdraft limit. What about the mortgage? The bills? My bloody tequila?
By the time James came home, she was nearly hysterical. As he walked through the front door, she threw herself at him. She was screaming and shouting and a whisker away from physically attacking him.
‘What the hell? Get off me, woman.’
‘Where’s all the money? The mortgage comes out in a few days and there’s nothing in the bank.’
For a second, it seemed he was considering blagging it. She could almost see the sentences offering themselves to him. His eyes shifted from side to side as he decided what cock and bull story to feed her.
She saved him the trouble. ‘You’ve gambled it all away, haven’t you?’
‘Look, it’s …’
She held up her hand to halt any lies. ‘It’s all imploding in on you, isn’t it? You owe too many people. There was nothing else you could do but take the money from our joint account, was there?’
She didn’t know how he would react. She suspected he’d get mad and throw his weight around. She thought he’d probably try to blame her, somehow make it all her fault. He could’ve tried, but he wouldn’t have gotten away with it. But actually, James did something quite shocking – he burst into tears. She’d never seen him cry. Even when she’d told him about Mandy and he’d been incredibly sorry for her, he hadn’t properly cried. But now, he sobbed.
Carefully picking up the headless people from the floor, where Beth had left them, he slumped into a chair and cradled their torsos. Through his tears, he repeatedly murmured, ‘I’m so sorry.’
After a minute, he noticed the TV was gone, and Beth had to explain about the two enormous men who’d also stolen her beautiful new kettle and toaster.
‘I’ll get you another set. I promise.’
‘But you won’t, will you? Not really. Because we have nothing. No money. We can’t even pay the legitimate people we owe.’ A thought struck her. ‘Will we lose the house?’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t know.’
The way he caved in, the way his whole body collapsed, it was frightening. Very different from the strong, confident man she knew and loved. She wanted to be angry. She had every right to be. But she loved him, and he was howling as if he was in excruciating pain. She saw desperation in his eyes. She knew how that felt. She experienced it each time another friend announced their pregnancy.
She approached him cautiously. As one would a wounded animal. ‘James … why? Why have you kept this from me?’
‘I … Beth …’ He could barely breathe, let alone speak.
‘You’ve been juggling all this for ages, haven’t you?’
He said nothing.
‘What a mess. What an awful mess!’ She shook her head.
James continued to cry.
She realised there was only one thing to do. He was going to hate it, but she would not lose her home. ‘I’ll speak to Mum and Dad. They’ll help us.’
‘No … no way.’ He managed those three words before reverting to sobbing.
‘Yes! We’re clean out of alternatives. They’ll get us back to square one. But …’
‘What?’
‘You’ll have to agree to see someone. Go to Gamblers Anonymous or something. Mum will insist on it.’
Catching his breath, James asked, ‘Do you think they’d do that for us? Get us straight, I mean.’
‘I hope so.’
‘They’ll hate me. They’ll never forgive me.’
‘No. They love you. You’re their son-in-law.’
‘Was Michelle here when those thugs came?’
‘Yes.’
‘Shit! And Solomon?’
‘Yes.’
‘They didn’t push her, or …’
‘No. They pushed me, but she was fine. Anyway, she’s gone now. For good.’
‘Why?’
‘I told her to go. I never want to see her again.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘Michelle betrayed me.’
‘How?’
‘James, she wasn’t as surprised as me when those men came demanding money.’
His eyes met hers. ‘She wasn’t?’
‘No. But you already knew that, didn’t you?’
‘Why do you say that?’
‘She knew all about your gambling problem. She’s known since the beginning. How could you do that? How could you share something like that with her, and not me?’
James tried to take her in his arms. ‘I thought I’d lose you if you knew.’
She moved away. ‘Instead, you’ll lose me now.’
‘Please, love, don’t say that.’
‘And it’s ruined my friendship with Michelle.’
‘Look, it’s not her fault. You need her.’
‘Don’t tell me to forgive her. I won’t.’
‘I had to tell someone. But the thought of you knowing was terrible, it was just safer keeping it from you.’
‘It’s why you left the way you did, isn’t it? It just has to be. Your gambling is why you didn’t say goodbye to me in Bondi.’
‘It was something you said on the last night. You talked about that day at the races. I presumed you’d guessed. I expected you to mention it the first time we met up at your mum and dad’s. But you seemed different. It was as if you’d never said it before.’ James made a strange sound, a combination of a laugh and a sigh. ‘When we got together again I realised that, somehow, you still didn’t know. Jesus, the relief, it was like a second chance.’
‘What was it, Lisa? What did you say to him on his last night?’
‘I’ll be fucked if I know. I don’t even remember talking about the stupid horse racing.’
‘I thought you were better off not knowing. I figured ‒’ James tried to catch his breath.
Beth stopped him there. She didn’t need to hear how it was better for her to be the only mug who didn’t know about his addiction. ‘What I don’t understand is, how you ever afforded to go to Australia in the first place? I mean, no offence, but I’ve seen where you came from. How did you ever get the money together for your ticket, and how did you manage not to gamble it away?’
‘It was a big win, an accumulator. As soon as I won it, I was desperate to … um …’ James coughed, ‘shall we say, reinvest it. But I knew it was my one chance out of that hell hole. I bought a ticket to Australia as soon as I was able. That way, I knew I couldn’t gamble with the money. Then it was just a case of getting the visa as quickly as possible. I thought, well, I hoped that by going there I could change my ways.’
‘You were never called James before, were you?’
‘What?’
‘No one else knows you as James. It’s not really your name, is it?’
‘Only on my birth certificate.’ He shook his head and sighed. ‘I’m Jim Collier junior. I had the same name as my useless dad. Only problem was, I had the same habit too.’
‘He gambled?’
‘Oh yeah. Worse than me. That’s why my mum threw him out. You might think that place was bad, but you never saw it when he lived there. They had loan sharks banging on the door all hours of the day and night. Mum and Dad rowed constantly. I think that’s why my brothers are the way they are. Their whole childhood was spent trying not to get caught in the crossfire.’
Beth felt bad for Craig and Dean. She’d taken such an instant dislike to them and now it would seem it wasn’t their fault they were so unapproachable.
She stared back at him. ‘Yes. I think maybe I do deserve a proper husband.’
She left him downstairs, still cradling the headless couple. She told him she needed time to think, and she’d rather he slept on the sofa. Lisa seemed convinced he’d gone too far this time. She was sure once Pat and Don had helped them get straight financially, Beth would leave him. She was already looking forward to a new single life.
No doubt she would have had her way. But timing is crucial, and the next day, the letter Beth had been desperately waiting for arrived in the post.
Forty-eight
Pat and Don were great. They sat and listened, whilst Beth told them where she and James stood (up to their knees in a pile of crap). More importantly, they agreed to use some of their savings to bail them out. Although he wasn’t keen, Beth made James go with her. She figured if he had to sit there and look like a pillock in front of her parents, maybe it would stop him from ever getting them in that kind of mess again.
It was horrible. Beth cried, James had the look of a man who would rather be absolutely anywhere rather than begging his in-laws for money, and Beth’s parents couldn’t hide their disappointment.
The cheque Don wrote was duly paid into the bank, and all the bills and the mortgage were fortunately paid on time. James also drew out a fair bit in cash, and assured Beth he’d paid the dodgy bookies and loan sharks everything that was owed. She was just relieved to hear it was all over.
‘You’re not going to leave him, are you?’
‘I can’t. Not now.’
‘Beth, this fuckery must end.’
‘Look …’
‘You’re going to stay with that lying bastard because your name has been pulled out of some imaginary hat?’
Beth wished her sister could understand. She needed her to see why it would be wrong to give up on her marriage. ‘Suppose I left him. Suppose I said I could never forgive him for lying to me. What then?’