Can't Get You Out of My Head

by Sue Shepherd

  Lisa said no more. She knew the game was up.

  Beth woke up at 4.30 a.m. Thanks to the hot chocolate, she was in desperate need of the loo. She’d been told the first wee of the day was the best for a pregnancy test, because it was strong and, if you were pregnant, full of hormones. James was sleeping next to her in the bed. She hadn’t even heard him join her. Padding silently to the bathroom, she unwrapped the pregnancy test they’d bought especially for the occasion.

  There was a tiny instant, before she peed on the stick, when she prayed for a positive outcome. But even as she did this there was more blood.

  After the allotted time, she checked the stick. One blue line stared back at her. She knew well enough that one line meant ‘not pregnant’. It was vile. It was the most sneering, unfeeling blue line she’d ever seen. Her embryos had decided not to stay.

  ‘What did I do wrong, Lisa?’

  ‘Nothing. You didn’t do anything wrong.’

  ‘How could I have been any more accommodating? Do you think they had even the slightest inkling of how much we wanted them?’

  ‘Don’t blame yourself.’

  ‘Who else is there?’

  ‘Sometimes these things just happen. It’s not your fault.’

  For a good ten minutes, Beth didn’t even cry. She remained in the bathroom, staring at the negative pregnancy test.

  When the tears began to fall, they came as a relief. As they increased, she gave in, and silent tears soon became full on weeping.

  The noise brought James to the bathroom. He burst through the door. Instantly taking in the sight before him, he scooped her into his arms.

  She couldn’t say a word. She didn’t trust herself to speak. She was fearful she might begin to blame him for the fact they needed IVF in the first place. Then, she might start shouting at him for all the money he’d squandered. She may move on to the secrets he kept. She might let out all the fury she felt towards him. And if she did, if she admitted to herself just how mad he made her, she might never be able to look at her husband again.

  By the afternoon, the bleeding had set in. It was nothing more than a regular period. No dreadful pain. No mad dash in an ambulance. Just the same routine bleed she’d known many times before. Beth’s precious embryos left her body, and with them went all her hopes.

  Fifty

  Beth lay in bed listening to the world outside. James had already left. The good thing about him working on building sites was that they started early. It meant he was out of bed and off to work as soon as his alarm sounded, leaving her to lie-in, alone. She’d been unable to sleep properly the night before. In fact, she hadn’t slept well for years. Usually she woke several times during the night, eventually falling into a decent sleep about half an hour before her alarm. Today was her day off, she had nothing to get up for. Thank goodness for that, she certainly didn’t want to make any unnecessary movements. She lay very still. Half-awake and half-asleep.

  ‘I just dreamed I was watching my body stand on the ocean floor. Charlie was there, the fishes, the instructor, it was all the same as before. Did you …?’

  ‘Yep. You got me. I snuck out last night and whisked your body off to Australia.’

  ‘OK. I know it sounds unlikely, but it was all so believable.’

  ‘If there was a competition for the dumbest statement, you would’ve just won. Give it up for Beth Collier, people.’

  ‘All right, all right.’ Beth shook her head, trying to remove her sister’s scorn.

  She lay still again, listening as the children of the estate made their way to school. As they passed her house, they shrieked, already excited about the approach of Christmas. She heard their mums shouting at them to ‘bloody well wait,’ or to ‘stop running,’ or any number of barked instructions. Jealousy rose to the surface. These seemingly ungrateful women had two or three kids each, some even four, she had none.

  The dustmen arrived, and she listened to their easy banter. After the cacophony of bangs and whirs as the dust cart performed its role of chewing up all the black bin bags, the men moved off, and, aside from the occasional bird call, the street was silent.

  Beth contemplated her life ahead. It would be her fate to drive around for the rest of her days in her silly little car, with a sign in the back window, declaring ‘No baby on board’. The whole world would know it was fine to smash into her. ‘There’s no one special to protect in this car,’ it would declare.

  With no children, Beth assumed she and James would eventually get cats, or maybe dogs. Those pets would become her babies. As all her friend’s children grew up and began school, as people sent her news of how their offspring were getting on, she’d be showing people photographs of her pets, and referring to them as her fur babies. At some point, in the way off-future, James would die, and she would be left alone with these cats or dogs. She’d become slightly mad and people would look at her with a mixture of pity and fear. She would never hold a baby of her own. She would never hear the words ‘I love you, Mummy’.

  She began to cry, again. I’m sick of tears. I’m done with this pain.

  Lisa called a halt to Beth’s self-pity with her usual question, ‘Are you going to leave him?’

  ‘Why do you keep asking me that? You know I’m not going to.’

  ‘You said you couldn’t leave because of the IVF. That failed months ago. What’s stopping you now?’

  ‘I can’t just up and leave when you say I should. Besides, if I leave now, it will all have been for nothing. Everything we’ve been through would be null and void.’

  ‘Oh my God, Beth. You need a check-up from the neck up, you really do. There has to be a cut-off point. He lied to you. He spent all your money. I have no doubt he’s still gambling now ‒’

  ‘NO. That’s where you’re wrong. He has a sponsor. He goes to meetings, and, if he’s tempted to bet, he calls him. He isn’t gambling, I promise.’

  ‘You should have left him when you first found out, you’d be with someone else by now.’

  ‘Someone else? I doubt that,’ Beth mocked.

  ‘What’s funny?’

  ‘Who would want to be with me? I’m useless.’

  ‘No, you’re not.’

  ‘I am. I’m no more use than those black bags full of rubbish that the dustmen have just taken away.’

  ‘Don’t be stupid.’

  ‘I’m not being stupid. I can’t get pregnant.’

  ‘That’s down to him, not you!’

  ‘OK, but even if you place healthy babies inside me, I can’t hold on to them.’

  ‘You shouldn’t put yourself down.’

  ‘No, that’s your job!’

  ‘Don’t be like that. I’ve been much more supportive lately.’

  ‘Yes, you have. But … what you don’t get is, I do love him. Did you see his face when he realised the test was negative? He was just as devastated as me. We’re in this together. He loves me!’

  ‘So, what’s the plan?’

  ‘I don’t know. I guess I’ll just keep taking my temperature, keep trying to conceive naturally. The doctor told us it’s not impossible, it’s just not very likely.’

  ‘Sounds extremely tedious to me.’

  ‘Well it would do, it doesn’t involve tequila or parties. But it’s what I want to do, please let me get on with it.’

  ‘Suit yourself. I just think ‒’ Lisa’s words were interrupted by a knock on the door. ‘Who’s that?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m not psychic.’

  ‘Well are you going to get up and answer it?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘NO!’

  ‘But then you won’t know who it is.’

  ‘Lisa, it’ll be someone wanting to read the gas meter, or tell me about their religion, or sell me a pack of bloody dusters.’

  ‘You’re just going to ignore it?’

  ‘Yes.’

  There was another knock. And, with barely a second in between, another one.


  ‘Very persistent these meter-reading, religion-pushing, duster-sellers, aren’t they?’ Lisa laughed.

  ‘Beth! It’s me. Nanna. Are you there? Hurry up, it’s starting to spit with rain.’

  ‘It’s Nanna.’

  ‘No kidding!’ Beth dragged herself out of bed and, putting on her slippers and dressing gown, made her way down the steep stairs, calling, ‘I’m coming. Hang on a sec.’

  She’d made them both tea and toast, and was waiting to hear the reason for Nanna’s visit.

  ‘I expect you’re curious to know why I’m here.’

  ‘Well, I won’t lie. It is a tad strange.’

  ‘I take your point. I don’t often come over. Particularly uninvited. I do think it’s a nice little estate your James helped build. Not like the one your grandpa and I started out at. Boy, that place was rough, even the dogs got walked in pairs.’

  Sipping her tea, Beth waited a second. Then, raising her eyebrows, she prompted, ‘Well?’

  ‘My reason for being here?’ Nanna wore a cheeky expression, as if she was enjoying the suspense.

  ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘I want to give you some money. It’s my savings. For another go at IVF.’ She paused. Unsure of the reaction she was going to get.

  ‘I can’t … I …’

  ‘You can’t what? You can’t take my savings? Yes, you can, I want you to have them. Or were you going to say that you can’t go through it again?’

  ‘Both. I think.’

  ‘I’ve waited six months. I wanted this to be a good thing. I needed you to be over the disappointment.’

  ‘I’ll never be over it.’

  ‘But … I’d say you’d be mad not to even try.’

  ‘I was almost driven mad when I did try. Please don’t tell me you’ve forgotten how upset I was when it failed?’

  Nanna patted Beth’s hand. ‘I shall never forget it, darling. It was heart-breaking to watch you … and James go through it. But I still think you should try. He who dares.’

  Beth subjected her to the harshest glare she could muster. ‘You watch too much TV.’

  ‘OK. Fair enough. You have a wee think about it. The money’s there if you want it.’

  ‘Please don’t tell James that!’

  ‘No, well, quite!’

  Beth wished she could explain it to her. Nanna seemed to think she could jump back in. She didn’t understand that Beth had ploughed all her hopes and dreams into their first attempt. The fear of another failure gripped her. She’d already considered trying to save up for another go. But every time she allowed herself to even contemplate the possibility of trying again, the horrible fact that it might not work would send her scurrying back to bed, where she’d lie with the covers over her head.

  ‘I wanted it so much last time. I allowed myself to imagine a life with children. I stupidly let my defences down, and I started to picture all that was to come. I tried incredibly hard not to get ahead of myself, but for goodness’ sake, there were embryos inside me! How could I not get excited? For thirteen mornings, I woke up and I thought of them, nestled in, snug and warm. Thirteen times I placed my hands on my belly before I even got out of bed and I whispered to them, “Good morning. Please stay put.” I begged them. But … they didn’t.’

  Nanna took her into her arms.

  ‘I can’t do it, I just can’t.’ Beth’s voice rose. She saw Nanna flinch, and wondered how much it must upset her to see her granddaughter so distraught.

  All Nanna could add was, ‘But next time could be different.’

  After Nanna left, Beth could think of nothing but her offer. She wandered around the empty house. She sat in the lounge. ‘If I don’t try, there will always be this howling silence.’

  ‘Yes,’ Lisa agreed.

  ‘But if I try … well, there’s a chance we’ll get a baby.’

  ‘I guess so.’

  ‘If I do it, will you help me? Will you be with me every step of the way?’

  ‘Can I just say two words?’

  ‘Are those words “Charlie” and “Morris”?’

  ‘Possibly …’

  ‘Then, no, you can’t say them.’

  ‘We could just see if he’s back.’

  ‘I can’t deal with this right now, Lisa. Just answer the question, will you help me through it?’

  ‘I think you’d be mad to tie yourself to that idiot. But … you know I’ll support you.’

  ‘Will you promise not to bang on about James?’

  Lisa said nothing.

  ‘I mean it. You’ve got to promise to leave him alone. Please?’

  ‘OK. OK.’

  ‘I can’t bear the silence.’

  ‘Right then,’ Lisa said, ‘I suppose you have your answer. Take Nanna’s savings and try again?’

  Nanna wasn’t surprised when Beth rang her the same day. ‘I’ve given it some thought …’

  ‘Yes, darling?’

  ‘And … I’d like to take you up on your offer.’

  ‘Wonderful. I hoped you would. Do you fancy escorting me to the bank to collect the readies?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘I’ve got about four thousand pounds. Is that enough?’

  ‘I’m sure it’ll be more than enough. Thank you so much.’

  They arranged for Beth to collect Nanna after lunch.

  Beth had a glimmer of hope. It was frightening and exciting all at once. And it was thanks to her amazing nanna.

  ‘Everybody should have a nanna like ours, shouldn’t they?’

  Lisa agreed. ‘She’s one of a kind.’

  Nanna was so tiny that Beth felt like her bodyguard when they walked into the bank. As they waited their turn at the window, her excitement mounted. She couldn’t stop grinning. Three people in front. Nearly there. Her heart was racing. She was already thinking about calling the clinic. Two people in front. She smiled down at Nanna. One in front. She wondered how soon they could start.

  In due course, it was their turn to speak to the mighty Oz. They stepped up to the window, expectant looks on their faces.

  However, there was a great disappointment in store for the happy pair.

  Fifty-one

  ‘I’m sorry, darling. How stupid of me to forget about the sixty-day rule.’ Nanna was clearly annoyed with herself.

  ‘It’s … OK.’ Beth failed to hide her disappointment.

  ‘No, it’s not OK. I’m getting ever so forgetful these days.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. It’s not your fault.’

  ‘It’s this high interest thing. It went completely out of my mind.’

  Beth stopped walking and turned to Nanna. ‘Please don’t get upset.’ Not caring who was watching, she rested her chin gently on Nanna’s head and gave her a hug. She’d been able to do this for years, she couldn’t remember the last time she had to look upwards to see Nanna’s face. ‘It’s an amazing offer. Sixty days will fly by.’

  Nanna accepted the hug with gratitude. ‘I appreciate you not making me feel like a silly old fool.’

  ‘The reason you put it in a high interest account was because you’re sensible, not foolish, that’s all. And …’

  ‘Go on?’

  ‘Well, I’m a bit worried now, you won’t be getting any interest in a couple of months, will you? Are you sure you want to take it out?’

  ‘I’m absolutely certain. The money will allow me to see my granddaughter get another shot at the thing she wants most in the world. I reckon that’s better than any stupid old interest payments.’

  They reached the car, and Beth helped Nanna into the passenger seat. ‘Mind the leaves, don’t slip.’

  ‘Thank you, darling. Can you do my belt up for me, please? I find these things tricky.’

  ‘No problem.’ Beth leant over, absent-mindedly wondering when Nanna had become so helpless. It only seemed like yesterday she was giving all the kids what for. Now she had the look of a feeble baby bird.

  ‘You know?’ Nanna smiled. ‘If this works, you
’ll have a baby next year. He or she will arrive into a world which, as a child, I could never have imagined.’

  ‘If my baby is born at all, it will be down to your generosity.’ Beth got into the driver’s seat and did up her own belt.

  Nanna patted her granddaughter’s hand as she put the car into reverse. ‘My pleasure.’

  ‘I was just thinking this morning, everybody should have a nanna like you. We’re very lucky.’

  ‘We?’

  ‘Me. I mean “I”. I mean … all of us are lucky to have you.’ Beth reversed out of the parking space and joined the main road.

  ‘I’m the lucky one,’ Nanna told her granddaughter. ‘You’ve always been my pride and joy.’

  ‘How fortunate for you,’ Lisa huffed, enviously.

  Once home, Beth marked out the days on the calendar. She was distraught to see that sixty working days was close to three months, and ironically took her up to Valentine’s Day next year.

  ‘Um … give your head a wobble. Earlier this morning you were imagining a life where you smelt of cat’s piss and frightened the neighbours. Now, here you are wondering how many embryos you might get. You should be delighted.’ Lisa had a point.

  The phone rang. When she heard James’s voice, Beth was desperate to tell him the news. However, he was keen to tell her his first, and it wasn’t good. ‘I’m struggling, love.’

  ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘Some tit at work thought it would be a good idea to do a sweepstake on the weight of Bazza’s baby. You know his Mrs went in for a caesarean today?’

  Beth tried not to think about how lucky Bazza’s wife was. ‘Right …?’

  ‘We all put in a quid and picked a weight. The winner got the pot.’

  ‘Why didn’t you just say “no”?’

  ‘I didn’t want to look like an arsehole who can’t afford a quid.’

  ‘What happened? You didn’t win?’

  ‘That’s just it. I flamin’ did. 7lb 2 ounces. Twenty quid, just like that.’

  ‘So … why are you struggling?’

  ‘Don’t you see, Beth? Don’t you get it?’

  ‘NO! Just tell me.’ All the earlier fizz was evaporating.