by Sue Shepherd
She ran upstairs to the bathroom. Opening the door to the little cupboard next to the loo, she began pulling out cleaning products. Bleach, shower cleaner, spare toilet rolls, they all came tumbling out onto the floor. Shoving her hand deep into the cupboard, she reached for the ledge at the back.
It was empty! No. No way. He wouldn’t do this to me!
‘I will kill him with your bare hands!’
‘I don’t believe it. He wouldn’t … he couldn’t … how did he even know it was here?’
‘I guess he just knows you well. He’s a devious git.’
‘Do you think he’s gambling with it? Right now, I mean.’
‘Who knows?’
‘Maybe he’s winning. Or maybe it’s not all gone.’ Beth dropped to her knees, tearing at her hair.
‘And maybe the fucker has lost the lot!’
James didn’t return all night. The later it got, the less hope she had. By midnight she was broken. She had to admit to herself he wasn’t going to come back with the money. Any hopes she’d had that he might have won were dashed. She could neither understand his reasons for taking it, nor could she forgive him.
She’d cried non-stop for hours and her head was throbbing. Lisa had repeatedly insisted she should let her deal with him when he came home. As much as she liked the idea of agreeing, Beth was aware her sister had no conscience and no responsibility. She couldn’t be sure Lisa wouldn’t go ahead and kill him, and it would be her fingerprints on the murder weapon.
At some point during that long night, it occurred to Beth that she was going to have to explain to Nanna about her savings. That they would never be used for the amazing thing she’d withdrawn them for. It broke Beth’s heart to think of Nanna giving up her high interest so readily. There were many layers to this betrayal.
Just knowing she was going to have to cancel their appointment the next day, and there were to be no more attempts to get pregnant, that alone was like a punch to her chest. It caused a physical pain that struck her deeper and deeper each time she thought of it. There could be no good reason for what he’d done. Nothing. There were no words he could say that would explain his actions.
Beth had lain on the bathroom floor for an hour, howling. Eventually, realising how cold she was, she’d picked herself up and dragged her body to her room. Throwing herself down on the bed, she’d continued to grieve. Lisa had been angry, not just angry, totally livid. In the end, Beth had had to ask her to stop shouting. As much as it was nice to have her full support, the things she had said were too painful.
Three times, Beth had gone back to the bathroom cupboard and checked. Three times, she’d hoped and prayed she’d somehow been mistaken. Three times, she’d had to face the fact that there was no error ‒ Nanna’s money was one hundred per cent gone!
By the time James returned, the sun was up, the birds were singing, and Beth was sitting in the lounge, drinking a mug of strong coffee. For a second she saw a look on his face, she watched him size up the situation. Was she up early because she was excited about their appointment, or had she made the grisly discovery? She saw his eyes flick from left to right. He had a half smile on his face. He was preparing himself for either possibility.
‘I’ll save you the job of trying to work out whether or not I know.’ She rose from the sofa. ‘I DO!’
‘Beth …’
‘Think very carefully now. Is what you’re about to say to me worth what I’m going to say back?’
‘Love …’
‘I know what you’ve done.’ She took a step towards him.
‘Look … it was …’
‘Didn’t you hear me? I said, I know what you’ve done.’ Another step.
‘If there was any other way, I would’ve ‒’
She took a final step. Reaching out, she slapped him hard across the face. ‘I KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE!’
‘They were going to hurt you.’
‘Who was?’
‘Just some arseholes. I owed them money. They threatened to hurt you. I couldn’t let them.’
‘So, you took Nanna’s money. OUR BABY’S MONEY.’
James began to cry.
She ignored his tears. She would not be swayed by them.
‘I … I couldn’t let them hurt you.’
‘Nothing anyone could have done to me would have hurt as much as this!’
‘I’m so sorry. I’ll win it back. As soon as I can, I’ll win it back.’
Lisa was furiously shouting to be let out.
Beth could hardly hear herself think. ‘NO, James. You won’t get that money back. Just like you never got my lovely kettle and toaster back. I replaced those things. I paid for them, from my honest wages. You can’t get four grand back.’
‘I will.’
‘If you had four thousand pounds in your hand you’d never get all the way home with it.’
‘I promise. I’ll work overtime. I’m in line for the Team Leader role, I’ll ‒’
‘Shut up! Just shut up. I can’t bear the sound of your stupid, whiny voice. What you’ve done is … despicable.’
‘If there had been any other way … I couldn’t let them hurt you.’ He was repeating himself over and over.
What with Lisa egging her on, and her own anger, Beth wasn’t sure what she was about to do.
‘Kill the bastard. Smack him over the head with something!’
Beth’s eyes took in every object in the room. Am I seriously looking for a weapon?
The sound of the phone ringing put a stop to her search. She let the answer-machine pick up. The greeting message played. Her calm voice advised the caller that she and James couldn’t get to the phone right now. Beth wondered if she’d ever be that calm again. Her eyes settled on a lamp.
‘Yes, that’s it. Hit the idiot over the head with it.’ Her sister was clearly mad.
Then Pat’s voice filled the room, and nothing else mattered. ‘I don’t know if you’re still there, or if you’ve gone for your appointment. But … um … Nanna’s not well. I popped round to see her on my way to work this morning. Thank goodness we have a spare key. I was a bit worried about her headaches, and I tried calling her and … well, anyway, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t wake her up. She’s on her way to The General in an ambulance. Sorry to break it to you like this, but I think it might be serious. I’ll try your mobile.’
James made a move towards Beth. ‘I’ll drive you.’
She glared at him. ‘Get the hell out of my way!’ With that, she left the house, slamming the door behind her.
Fifty-five
Every second of the drive to the hospital was torture. Beth became convinced she would be too late. ‘What the hell does “I couldn’t wake her up” mean?’
‘I don’t know. She’s been sleeping a lot lately.’ Lisa was concerned by Beth’s haphazard driving. ‘Mind out! You didn’t even look at that turning. You need to calm the fuck down.’
‘How can I calm down when Nanna might be …’ Vomit rose into Beth’s mouth.
‘Please, I know you’re worried, but just try to watch the road. You should never drive when you’re upset.’
‘At least I can drive. It’s more than you can do!’
Lisa’s anger flared. ‘And why is that, huh? Did you ever let me out to learn? No!’
‘I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing to say.’ Beth was taking deep breaths, trying to keep the nausea at bay. ‘I’m just so scared.’
‘I know. I am too.’ Lisa’s voice softened. ‘Two minutes and we’ll be there.’
‘What if we’re too late? What if she’s already …’
‘Just get us there safely, then we’ll worry about all the possibilities.’
Unusually, Beth had some change in her purse, and after finding a parking space relatively easily, she paid the maximum parking fee. Four hours seemed like a long time, but she had no idea what was going to happen at the hospital, and the last thing she needed was to have to return to the car to put more money on the parking.<
br />
She almost ran into A&E, and began searching for her mum. ‘I can’t see her. Maybe she’s not here yet?’
‘You think we beat the friggin’ ambulance?’ Lisa didn’t sound convinced.
At the same time as an official looking lady approached her, Beth heard Pat’s voice from behind one of the curtains. She was demanding to know what the waiting time would be before Nanna could have a CT scan. It was Pat’s efficient voice. She was on her own turf, and she was taking no prisoners.
Beth thanked the lady, and informed her she wouldn’t need any help locating her family. Rushing over to the cubicle which contained Pat’s voice, she pulled back the curtain, and took in the view of her mum and dad standing over a bed. They were accompanied by a timid nurse. In the bed was a teeny-tiny, sound-asleep version of Nanna.
‘Nanna!’ Beth ran to the bedside, looking down into the face she loved.
The nurse scurried away. ‘OK, Pat. I’m just going to check out the availability for that scan. Won’t be a minute.’
‘Why is she like this? Why is she so tired?’ Beth asked her mum.
‘Try not to worry too much. The scan will tell us more.’
Like a caged animal, Don paced the cubicle. ‘How much longer is that girl going to be?’
‘She’s only just left! Anyway, she’s rushing us to the top of the queue.’ Pat tried to halt him in his stride. ‘They’ll do their best. I’ll see to that.’
‘Yes, yes, I know!’
Beth stroked Nanna’s cheek. ‘Can you hear us? We’re all here.’ There was no response. Nanna was like Sleeping Beauty. Beth asked her mum, ‘Is this to do with the headaches?’
Pat appeared to be trying to decide what was best, to tell them what she suspected, or to wait for confirmation.
‘It’s … well, there are a number of things …’
‘Mum, what do you think has happened to her?’
Don stopped pacing. Both he and Beth gave Pat their full attention.
‘I think … I’m sorry, but I think she may have had a stroke.’
Don was the first to speak. Exhaling, he said, ‘Bugger, I was hoping it wasn’t going to be that.’
‘It might not be. I could be wrong. But …’
Don put his arm around his wife’s shoulder, and said, ‘I doubt you are. You’re a very good nurse.’
‘I wish I wasn’t so sure. I wish it was something less complicated.’
‘I know, Pat, but … it is what it is.’
‘She had a dreadful headache yesterday. I should have …’ As always Beth’s response was guilt.
Pat was quick to reassure her. ‘There can be many reasons for headaches. Don’t blame yourself. If we all rushed to the hospital every time our head hurt, A&E would be crammed.’
The nurse reappeared. ‘They’re ready for her now.’
Before she had time to ask any more questions, Beth’s precious Nanna was wheeled away.
She watched the doctor’s mouth move. She figured if she concentrated hard on his lips and his slug of a moustache, she wouldn’t have to hear the horrible words he was saying.
‘Sorry, but you do need to listen.’ Lisa made a good point.
‘OK. I’ll try.’
Obediently, Beth tuned back into the doctor’s words. ‘Like I say, Mr Campbell, your mother has had an ischaemic stroke. We can clearly see on the scan that an artery which supplied her brain with blood has become blocked. This would have reduced the oxygen-rich blood supply to that part of her brain. She’ll need medication. We plan to move her to a ward for tonight and see how she is. The next few hours are crucial for her.’
Pat jumped in with a number of medical questions, and Beth did her best to follow the discussion. It seemed there was a possibility Nanna might wake up, but until she did there was no way of knowing just how badly she’d been affected by the stroke. The more the doctor talked of paralysis and speech loss, the more Beth wanted to sob. This couldn’t be happening to her amazing Nanna. It simply wasn’t fair.
The hospital staff were kind, but firm. They insisted there was no way all three members of the family would spend the night sat by Nanna’s bed. After a short discussion, it was agreed that Don would stay, and Pat and Beth would go home. Beth found it unusual that it was her dad who was going to remain, she was used to her mum stepping up in most situations. But Don was adamant, and, of course, Nanna was his mother.
Beth kissed him gently on the top of his balding head. ‘You’re right. She’ll want you to be the first person she sees when she wakes up.’
Don nodded. Not trusting himself to speak.
She found James sitting in the lounge, staring blindly at the TV. ‘How is she?’ He switched the TV off. It was almost as if the whole ‘stealing their baby money’ thing hadn’t happened.
‘She … they think …’ Beth was caught off guard. She’d been expecting grovelling, apologies, maybe even a bit of, ‘I did it for you, damn it!’ What she hadn’t expected was for him to carry on as if their marriage hadn’t just been blown apart by a Panzer tank. ‘She’s had a stroke.’
‘Is she able to speak?’
‘They don’t know … she’s still asleep …’
He continued to show concern. ‘It’ll take time, love.’ Either he was totally oblivious to the fact that she was besieged with rage towards him or he was just a bloody good actor. ‘She’s tough, she’ll be ‒’
‘James!’ She held up her hand. ‘Stop. Don’t sit there asking me how my Nanna is, like there’s nothing else going on. It’s insulting.’
‘I was just … I was worried about her.’
‘You were worried about her? What the hell? Were you worried about her when you stole her money?’
‘Beth, please, I’m just asking how she is.’
‘Let me out, I wanna thump the fucker!’
Beth ignored Lisa, although she was tempted. To James, she said, ‘It’s awful, she’s just asleep the whole time. The doctor said if she can’t swallow properly she’ll need to be on a drip and they’ll consider feeding her through a tube.’ With this final fact, Beth gave in. Backing up to the sofa, she sat down and began to cry. ‘She looks awfully frail. And I can’t bear the thought of her struggling to swallow.’
James approached her sheepishly. ‘I know how angry you are with me. I did something unforgivable. But for now, can we put that to one side, and will you please let me help you through this?’
‘Tell him to fuck the fuck off and never darken your fucking door again.’
‘I think maybe I need him.’ Beth knew Lisa wouldn’t understand.
‘You’re kidding? You’re going to let him get away with it?’
‘No! I am going to have it out with him, I’m not going to forget what he did, but … he loves Nanna too.’
‘If you forgive him for this, you will forgive him for anything.’
‘I’m not saying I’m going to forgive him. I’m just saying I need him right now.’
‘For God’s sake, Beth, you might as well lay down by the front door and write “welcome” on your face.’
Fifty-six
Once Nanna was moved onto a ward, they decided to alternate their visits. Pat and Don had taken the first opportunity, now it was Beth’s turn.
Entering the ward, she scanned the beds. All the occupants seemed to be motionless, not one of them appeared capable of sitting up. She spotted Nanna in the bed at the end. Moving the cumbersome visitors chair up as close to the bed as possible, she took off her coat and sat down.
Taking hold of Nanna’s delicate hand, she whispered, ‘Hello, it’s me.’
Nanna’s expression didn’t change.
Beth spoke louder. ‘Can you hear me?’ Again, she stared into Nanna’s face, hoping for a flicker of recognition.
It was like Nanna was asleep. Except … if Beth was honest, there was something different about her face. It was blank, less animated than before. Also, one eye was ever so slightly open, and her mouth seemed to hang down a little on th
e same side.
Pat had warned Beth that when they’d been to visit, Nanna had still been unable to wake up. But she’d made a point of saying they all needed to keep talking to her. ‘There’s much evidence that after a stroke people can still hear what’s going on around them. Dad and I kept things as positive as possible during our visit. Please do the same, if you can. Try not to let her know how upset you are, OK?’
Beth had agreed. But that had been on the telephone. Now she was here, and Nanna was right in front of her, and she was very different from the funny dynamic person they all knew so well. It wasn’t going to be easy to sound positive.
‘You’re not going to tell her your husband has blown all the IVF money, are you?’
‘Lisa, please? This is hard enough as it is without you putting your oar in.’
‘I’m just checking. I know how you like to wallow in your own guilt. You might think you need to get it off your chest.’
‘What good would it do? Look at her. I don’t want to break her heart on top of everything else.’
‘I quite agree. … I mean, you don’t want to upset her. This might be the last time you see her.’
‘Lisa!’
‘Well, it might be.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘Beth, she doesn’t look well. You’ve got to admit it.’
‘She’s going to be fine.’ Beth squeezed Nanna’s hand. All the time fighting back tears because she’d promised her mum. ‘You’re going to be all right, aren’t you, Nanna?’ She waited, expecting some response. When none came, she ploughed on. ‘You just need a bit more sleep, that’s all it is. You have a little nap and soon … soon …’ She stopped. ‘I can’t do it, Lisa. I’ve let her down so badly.’
‘You haven’t let her down. He has!’
Beth tried again. ‘Now then, Mum said I was to tell you all my news. I’m fine. I was unbelievably grateful for the money you gave us … and … I’m looking forward to …’
‘Why have you stopped?’
‘I hate lying to her.’ Beth gently stroked Nanna’s hair away from her eyes, and said, aloud, ‘Everything should be so different. You should be awake and excited, and I should be telling you all about my appointment. Instead, you’re fast asleep and James has taken ‒’