by Sue Shepherd
Sometimes the guilt was like a physical pain. Beth rarely allowed herself to think how hollow her sister’s life must be. The baby she longed to have inside her body would merely be another cell-mate to Lisa. ‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have …’
‘Saved me? Absorbed me? Stopped me from dying?’
‘Yes. All of those things. Maybe you’d be better off if I’d done nothing.’
‘I suspect you’re right. But what’s done is done. I’m here and I’m trapped. And it’s all your fault. Now, if we’re not going to see Charlie, please concentrate on the road and try and get us back to your shitty little house in one piece.’
Fifty-three
Beth could hardly believe it as she crossed off the last day on the calendar. Sixty working days had taken an age to pass. And they hadn’t exactly been event free. Of course, they’d included her failed attempt to visit Charlie. She was now incredibly pleased she’d taken the decision to leave without knocking on his door. It was far better to leave well alone. What good would it have done to see him?
There had also been many other stressful incidents over the last three months.
Christmas had consisted of the usual shenanigans at the Campbell house, followed by a trip up to Bolton to see James’s brothers. They were no more talkative than any of the other times she’d visited, but at least she had a better understanding now of why they were so hopeless. A part of her felt sorry for them. She wouldn’t go as far as to say she was fond of her brothers-in-law, but things were better. Also, with Shirley gone, Beth had taken it upon herself to cook them all a roast dinner, which was nice, and Dean had been proud to do the honours with the gas.
Most of the stress during the sixty-day waiting period had revolved around James and his ever-increasing secretiveness. Many times he told her he was attending a GA meeting. She wanted to believe him, but then, he arrived home, either flushed with excitement or incredibly morose. As far as she could see, neither of these states could be associated with sitting around in a draughty old hall, talking to a load of other addicts. Then there was the time just after Christmas, when he turned up with a swollen eye, that was becoming blacker by the second. He claimed it was a disagreement at work, ‘something and nothing’ was how he described it. But she’d been sure there was more to it. She would never forget the day those two men had barged into their house and taken their possessions. If Lisa hadn’t told her to take off her rings, she would have no wedding ring now. Worse still, she would have lost Nanna’s engagement ring. The worry that those men, or others like them, might turn up at her door again, was never far from her mind. And yet, she was so determined to try for a baby that she pressed on with the plan, regardless of her fears.
As arranged, Beth met Nanna in town. Nanna had been having lunch with one of her friends, and Beth was taking a precious hour off work. They met outside the bank.
‘Hi, did you and Winnie have a nice lunch?’ Beth loved Nanna’s friend, she was quite a character, much like Nanna. When they were kids, she and Lisa had found it hilarious to call her Winnie the Pooh.
‘Not bad. Although she will insist on wearing those ill-fitting teeth, she can’t chew quietly with the damn things.’
‘Teeth?’
‘Yes, I swear they were her husband’s first. She’d do anything to save a pound or two, that one would.’
‘Oh, my goodness. I hope you’re joking.’
‘I’m just saying, I much preferred her original teeth.’
‘No doubt she did too!’ Beth laughed. ‘So, even though Winnie’s teeth are possibly a hand me down pair of dentures from her late husband,’ she grimaced, ‘you had fun?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t exactly go that far.’ Nanna rubbed her temples.
‘What’s up? You don’t seem too good.’
‘It’s nothing. I’ve just had a rotten headache all day. I can’t seem to shift it. I’m afraid I let Winnie do most of the talking.’
‘I shouldn’t think she minded.’
‘No. She didn’t. Come on then, darling. Let’s get your money.’
For the second time they queued in the bank. Again, with anticipation, Beth counted down the customers as they waited. A couple of times she spotted Nanna pinching between her eyes, and she silently begged the people in front to hurry up. The sooner I get her home for a lie down the better.
Their turn duly came, and Nanna carried out the transaction. Within minutes they were leaving the bank with over four thousand pounds in cash.
Beth thought there must be a flashing light above her head and a sign on her back that read – Please mug me! She couldn’t get to the car quick enough.
‘I can get the bus if you need to go back to work,’ Nanna suggested.
‘Don’t be daft. Jump in. I’ll run you home. Besides, this sludge is slippery, I don’t want you having an accident.’ Beth kicked at the soggy brown snow, collecting in piles on the pavement. She helped Nanna into the tiny car and did up her seatbelt. ‘It’s the least I can do after you’ve possibly just made all my dreams come true.’
Although her head was aching, Nanna managed a small smile. ‘Oh, I do hope so.’
The traffic was kind to them, and they were soon at Nanna’s. Beth took a minute to see her into the house. ‘Take a couple of paracetamol and have a lie down. OK?’
‘Yes, ma’am.’
‘I mean it. You’re clearly not well.’
‘I’m all right. Don’t fuss.’
‘Nanna, you let Winnie do all the talking at lunch, by rights I should be calling an ambulance,’ Beth joked.
‘Fair point. I promise, I’m going to go to bed the second you leave.’
‘Good.’ Beth kissed Nanna on her soft cheek. ‘I love you so much. You’re one in a million.’
‘I love you too.’
‘I’ve made an appointment, and, in just over a week, James and I will be sitting in the clinic discussing my cycle and deciding when to start. And it’s all thanks to you.’
‘You’re sure it’s enough for a go?’
‘I told you, it’s more than enough. We’ll definitely be able to do it now.’
‘Just keep that money safe.’
‘Oh, I will do, don’t worry.’ Beth gave Nanna one more kiss and headed back to her car.
‘You do know what she meant, don’t you?’
‘Who? Nanna?’
‘Yes.’ Lisa repeated herself, ‘You do know what she meant by “keep that money safe”?’
‘Yes.’
‘She meant don’t let your thieving bastard of a husband find it.’
‘No, she didn’t, she just meant ‒ put it somewhere safe.’
‘Yes, somewhere safe where your thieving bastard of a husband can’t find it.’
‘Oh, shut up. He’s as excited about this as I am.’
‘You’re not taking the money back to work, are you?’
‘No, I thought I’d pop home first. Put it somewhere it can’t get lost.’
‘Hide it from James, you mean.’
‘That’s not what I said.’
‘He was very shifty last week.’
‘Last week?’
‘Yeah, he was asking you when the IVF money could be drawn out. He looked well dodgy.’
‘No, he did not!’
‘I’m telling you, you’d better hide it well.’
‘James would never …’
‘Bollocks. James would sell his own mother if she hadn’t already died.’
Beth chose to ignore Lisa for the rest of the drive.
Once home, she stood in the middle of the lounge, trying to think of a safe place for the money. She kidded herself she was hiding it from burglars, or possibly from loan sharks who may come knocking. But the truth was, of course she was hiding it from James, and she hated the fact that it was necessary to do so.
Deciding on a great hiding place, she stashed the cash safely away and headed back to work.
As it was Valentine’s night, James had booked them a table at the same
restaurant they’d been to for her nineteenth birthday. Beth was looking forward to a delicious meal.
‘Are you going to let that moron order for you this time?’
‘Maybe.’
‘You shouldn’t.’
‘It’s romantic.’
‘Pah! No, it’s not. It’s pathetic at best, and fucking controlling at worst.’
‘He chose gorgeous food last time.’
‘Yeah, I seem to remember you worrying that he was going to kick off about his steak being tough – what a tender moment that was. If you’ll pardon the pun!’
‘The dishes he chose for me were really nice. I trust him.’
‘I would not trust that man with a bucket of water if my knickers were on fire!’
‘Very funny.’
‘Thanks. I do believe it’s one of Nanna’s.’
‘It certainly sounds like one of hers.’
‘Seriously, though, sis. For goodness’ sake, at least choose your own food.’
‘Just leave it now. I need to get ready.’ As Beth had a bath and dressed ready for their romantic meal, Nanna’s money and its hiding place were never far from her thoughts.
Their table was booked for seven-thirty. By seven, Beth was getting jumpy. Come on, James, you’ve still got to have a shower!
‘Oh dear. Is he late?’
‘Not yet!’
‘I can’t think what’s keeping him. Oh wait, yes, I can. He’s gambling.’
‘He’ll be here.’ Beth tapped her nails on the arm of the sofa, nervously.
‘I have never known anyone as ‒’
Hearing James’s key in the door, Beth jumped up from her seat. ‘Here he is! What have you got to say now, Lisa?’
‘He looks rough!’
Lisa was right. James looked terrible.
‘What’s happened? You’re …’
Taking in the fact she was all dressed up, James sighed. ‘I don’t feel like going out, love. Sorry.’
‘Are you ill?’
‘No … yes … sort of.’
‘What’s up with you?’
‘I’m just not in the mood.’
‘But it’s Valentine’s. I wanted to celebrate.’
‘Let’s be honest, sweetheart, it’s a stupid tradition anyway. It was invented by greetings card manufacturers. It’s just another way of them making flamin’ money.’
‘You booked it, dickhead!’ Lisa wasn’t buying his excuse.
Beth could see her point. ‘But James, this meal was your idea. You wanted to go back to that posh place where we ‒’
Nothing could have prepared her for his outburst. ‘Look, just shut up about it now. Can you do that for me? Please?’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘I mean, shush, now.’
‘No, you don’t, you mean shut up. You just said so. Why are you being like this?’
James lowered himself into the armchair, with all the ease of an old man. His head dropped into his hands. ‘I don’t have any money just now.’
‘Oh.’
‘I had some, I put it to one side, but …’
‘Right.’
‘Valentine’s is only a stupid made up holiday, like I said.’
‘Shall I offer to pay for the meal?’ Beth asked her sister.
‘No way. Are you seriously telling me you still want to go out on a romantic date with that?’
Beth sat down on the sofa. Reaching for James’s hand, she whispered, ‘I wanted to celebrate the IVF too.’
‘How can we celebrate it, we haven’t done it yet.’
‘No, but the sixty days was up today, and ‒’
‘SHUT THE FUCK UP!’ Lisa warned. ‘Whatever you do, do not tell that man that there’s four thousand pounds in cold hard readies hidden in this house.’
‘And?’ James’s head shot up. There was a flicker of hope in his eyes.
‘And … umm … Nanna has our money.’ Beth amended her sentence at the last second.
James’s head dropped back into his hands.
Date night was over.
Fifty-four
The day before their appointment was a Sunday, and Beth had arranged to go around and do Nanna’s hair.
She arrived at the agreed time. Ringing the doorbell, she was surprised when Nanna didn’t instantly answer. She rang again, then called out.
After quite a wait, Nanna appeared on the other side of the glass front door. ‘Who is it?’
‘It’s me. It’s four o’clock.’
‘Beth?’
‘Yes, it’s four o’clock. Your perm?’
Nanna opened the door. She was still in her nightclothes. ‘My perm?’
‘Yes, we arranged for me to come and do your hair today. Are you OK? Why aren’t you dressed?’ Beth was shocked, she’d never seen Nanna in her dressing gown after 9 a.m.
‘Sorry, darling. I just had such a headache. I thought I’d sleep in a bit and see if I could shift it. Did you say it’s four o’clock? Goodness me, it’s getting dark already.’
‘Yes.’ Beth followed her into the lounge. ‘We can leave your hair if you like. It’s up to you.’
‘Yes, I think …’ Nanna rubbed her eyes. With a sigh, she continued, ‘I think it might be best.’
Beth gave a gentle smile. ‘Look at your nightdress, the buttons are all wrong.’
Nanna glanced down. ‘Oh dear, I’ve got Tuesday’s buttons in Wednesday’s holes. How did I manage that?’
Beth corrected the buttons. ‘Can I get you anything? Tea? Some toast? Paracetamol?’
Nanna shook her head. ‘No, no. I’ll be fine. I’ll eat something later. I find sleeping helps best with a headache. I’m so tired, I could fall asleep on a washing line.’
‘But if you’ve only just woken up, that means you’ve not eaten all day. Aren’t you hungry?’
‘A bit. I think I’ve got some crumpets. I might have one later.’
‘One! Later! She’s pushing the boat out.’ Lisa was as worried as Beth, she just showed it in a different way.
Beth had to agree with her sister. ‘One crumpet isn’t a meal. And I’d rather you ate soon.’
‘Oh, would you now. It’s not that long ago I was looking after you all summer and making your lunches, and here you are telling me you want me to eat.’
‘Make her eat the crumpets, Beth. She looks pale.’
Beth headed towards the kitchen. ‘How about I make us both a nice cuppa and a couple of crumpets? Does that idea grab you?’
Nanna was usually a stubborn old thing, but it seemed she didn’t have the energy to argue. ‘If you like.’
Beth watched as Nanna nibbled on a crumpet. Thankfully, she’d agreed to take a couple of tablets with her tea.
‘Tell me exactly what’s going to happen at your appointment tomorrow?’
Beth obliged. Happy to talk about her favourite subject, she gave Nanna a full run down on the procedure, as she knew it. Whenever she thought about the fact that James would soon be injecting her in the bum daily to stimulate her ovaries, she felt a wave of excitement. Little shots of adrenalin hit her in the chest. ‘I’m very grateful to you.’
‘I’m just pleased I was able to help.’
‘I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight. I’m too distracted. I can’t switch my brain off, you know?’
‘Yes. I know how that feels. Although …’ Nanna yawned, ‘I don’t seem able to switch mine on.’
‘How’s the headache?’
‘Better. I think the food helped.’
‘Half a friggin’ crumpet, yeah right,’ Lisa sighed.
‘Maybe it was the tablets. Anyway, Nanna, whatever it was, I’m glad your head’s a bit better. Would you like me to leave? You could go back to bed.’ Beth couldn’t help noticing Nanna was yawning non-stop.
‘Would you mind? I think a good sleep is all I need.’
Beth assured her she didn’t mind at all and they agreed to do the perm another time, when Nanna was better. She leant in and kissed her on
her soft cheek. ‘Bye for now.’
‘Bye bye, darling.’ Nanna yawned again.
As she drove away from the house, Beth couldn’t hide her concern.
‘You’re worried about her, aren’t you?’
‘Well, aren’t you?’
Lisa agreed. ‘Yes. I’ve never known her sleep all day. And what’s with the headache?’
‘I’ll talk to Mum about getting her an appointment at the GP. No need to mention it to Dad, he’ll panic.’
‘Good idea. It’s probably nothing, but …’ Lisa didn’t need to finish her sentence. They both knew Nanna wasn’t getting any younger, and it scared the hell out of them. Instead, she simply said, ‘She did look rough. She’s changed a lot lately.’
‘Yes, she has. Remember when we were kids and she used to run around the house like a loony, playing with us?’
‘You.’
‘Pardon?’
‘She used to play with you. She didn’t know I existed.’
‘Oh yes.’ Beth felt the stab of guilt. ‘I’m sorry, Lisa.’
‘So am I.’
When she arrived home, Beth was surprised to see James had gone out. She’d left him watching a football match, and had fully expected him to remain stuck in front of the TV for the rest of the day. Where has he gone to, I wonder?
She couldn’t explain it, but for some reason a sense of unease settled upon her. He hadn’t told her he planned to go out, in fact, he had given every impression of a man who intended to stay put. If it were someone else’s husband, she’d think maybe he’d nipped to the pub for a swift pint or popped to B&Q for some much-needed piece of DIY equipment. But this was James. If he went out unannounced it was never good news. Beth scanned the room, it had the look of a location that had been searched. Some items were not in their rightful place.
At the same time as the thought occurred to her, Lisa also said it, ‘Check the money!’
Her heart was hammering in her chest. He couldn’t know. There’s no way he could know. I told him Nanna had it.