Can't Get You Out of My Head

by Sue Shepherd

  ‘But why have you given him the house?’

  ‘I don’t want to have anything to do with that place.’

  ‘But still … he should at least give you half the money.’

  Beth sighed. ‘What’s the point? He’d never get his hands on that kind of money. And even if he did …’

  ‘Yeah, I see what you mean. So, you’ve just given it over to him?’

  ‘Yep. Signed it all away. It’s his responsibility now.’

  ‘Do you think he’ll pay the mortgage, without you there?’

  ‘This is James we’re talking about! The house is as good as gone. I’m kind of surprised he’s still clinging on to it.’

  ‘Doesn’t that make you sad?’

  ‘Oh, Michelle, it breaks my heart. But … I can’t even begin to tell you what it was like worrying about the mortgage. It was the first thing I thought of as soon as my eyes opened in the morning. I checked the balance of our account all the bloody time. Which was pointless; even if one day we had the money to pay, it could easily be gone the next. I thought about it all the time. Even when I eventually fell asleep at night, the worry invaded my dreams.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Stressing about money is like a constant gnawing in your belly. It’s only now that it’s stopped that I realise how crippling it was.’

  ‘Why did you have a joint account with him? I’ve never had one with Ricky.’

  ‘I know it sounds stupid, but to begin with it was pure ignorance. That’s what I thought married people did. I was too bloody young. Then, once I finally found out about his secret gambling …’

  Michelle looked uncomfortable. ‘Sorry, I should’ve ‒’

  Beth cut in, ‘I naively thought, at least if we had a joint account, I could keep an eye on what he was up to. Ridiculous.’

  ‘Is he still asking you to get back with him?’

  ‘All the time. It’s awful.’

  ‘You’re such a strong person now.’

  Beth shook her head. In reality, without Lisa, most of the time she felt like half a being. ‘Michelle, I was weak for so long. I let that man convince me everything was my fault.’

  ‘How? I doubt anything was your fault. What did he say?’

  ‘He didn’t say it.’

  ‘What then …?’

  ‘Oh … I don’t know. James is the only person I know who can passive aggressively brush his teeth.’

  ‘Oh my God!’

  ‘I know, it sounds ridiculous. But just being in the bathroom with him when he was brushing his teeth, I was constantly questioning myself. Did I put my toothbrush back in the right place? Did I squeeze the toothpaste wrong? What? What did I do to make him this angry?’

  ‘Manipulative bastard. I didn’t even notice what he was doing. But now … now I can see how different you are. You’re more like your old self.’

  Although Beth appeared to have moved on, there were some things about James that she would never forget. He was both the gorgeous hunk who’d taught her all about sex in Bondi and the loving father who’d refused to let his baby cry at bedtime. But those men were in her past. She didn’t want to discuss them, not even with her best friend. Instead, she said, ‘I need to concentrate on the future now. It’s all about doing the best I can for Megan.’

  ‘He was brilliant when we first met him. I thought you’d hit the jackpot.’

  ‘He created an illusion, Michelle. But you can rest assured, I won’t be tricked again by Jim Collier.’

  ‘You’re right. I still can’t call him Jim though. In spite of the fact that barely anyone calls him James.’

  ‘I know. I loved James, but I can’t stand Jim!’

  The kids gave them little rest. Way too quickly, they finished their snacks. Beth asked Michelle, ‘Do you have any shopping to get?’

  ‘No, I did mine before. I’d better go. Ricky’s doing dinner.’

  ‘Bless his heart. He’s a good man. I feel awful now, I’ve hardly asked anything about you and yours. Is Ricky OK?’

  ‘He’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Today was about you. A chance to let your frustrations out. We’ll talk about my boring life next time we meet.’

  ‘It’s not boring, and you know it. You have a good marriage. You ought to be proud.’

  Kissing Beth on both cheeks, Michelle assured her, ‘I am really, you know I am.’

  With that, Michelle, Solomon, Ava and Leo were off and into the car park in seconds. Beth watched them all pile into their large Nissan and drive away.

  ‘Do we have to do shopping, Mummy?’

  ‘Just some things I promised Grandma.’ Beth grabbed a basket.

  Megan gave an exaggerated sigh. ‘Will it take long?’

  ‘Two minutes.’

  ‘What do we have to get?’

  ‘Those cookies Grandpa likes.’

  ‘Chocolate chip?’

  ‘Yep, and a couple of other things.’

  They whizzed around the shop, grabbing the handful of items Beth had promised to get for Pat. Once they’d paid, Megan asked, ‘Before we go home, can I go on one of the cars?’

  ‘Really? You want to?’

  Megan nodded. ‘Yeah. I like them.’

  Beth was about to say that, surely, at eight, Megan was a bit old for such things. She’d looked like a little teenager earlier when she’d been twiddling her straw and chatting away to Ava. But she simply said, ‘OK. I’m sure I’ve got some change in my purse.’

  They made their way over to the ride-on cars. Megan chose Bob the Builder’s digger. Beth handed her the coin, and she dropped it into the slot. The familiar tune began to play, and the digger started lurching from side to side.

  Megan squealed with delight, as she was thrown around.

  Pleased that her only child wasn’t growing up too fast, Beth said, ‘I’ll just be over here if you need me.’

  From the comfort of the orange plastic bench, she could still watch Megan enjoying the ride, but the music was ever so slightly less tinny.

  As Bob and his friends worked themselves up into a right old frenzy, Beth idly watched the customers as they checked out.

  Suddenly, she spotted a familiar figure. He was still large, in fact, if anything he was even bigger than before. Wondering whether to approach him, she was reminded of her promise to Lisa that she’d look him up. Maybe now was a good time. Wishing her sister was here to see him, Beth rose from the bench.

  She’d taken no more than two steps, before she heard a woman’s voice call out, ‘Charlie, you’ve got way too much beer again. All this will never fit in the boot.’

  ‘No such thing as too much beer, woman.’ Charlie gave one of his loud laughs that always attracted attention.

  ‘There is, if there’s already a pushchair in there.’

  Beth observed the petite woman. Her dark hair was loosely tied into a ponytail, and she had the exhausted look of a new mum. Beth’s assumption was not wrong. There, in a car seat, was a tiny baby. Dressed in a clean white baby grow, the child could hardly be more than a month old.

  ‘Don’t panic, we’ll put Ryan on the roof.’ Charlie gave another one of his boisterous laughs.

  ‘Charlie!’ The woman was clearly knackered and not in the mood for his jokes.

  ‘Fine. You win.’ Charlie grabbed a couple of boxes of beers and, tucking one under each arm, he sprinted back towards the alcohol aisle.

  Beth examined the face of Charlie’s partner. She could, no doubt, be quite attractive, under different circumstances. A wave of jealousy hit Beth. This tiny woman, with the messy hair, had a baby with Charlie Morris. How amazing must that be? To watch that kind, generous man cradle your baby, and know that he would always be there to protect you both.

  Beth had to get out, before he returned to the checkout. She didn’t want him to see her, and she had no desire to have to explain how messed up her life was. Luckily, Bob’s theme tune finished at that exact point, and Megan climbed down, asking for another coin.

  �
��Sorry, darling. We’ve got to go now.’

  ‘But … it was such a short ride … I just want to …’

  In desperation, Beth grabbed the chocolate chip cookies from her shopping bag, and asked, ‘Shall we open these in the car?’ Not waiting for an answer, she grabbed Megan’s hand, and began propelling her towards the exit.

  ‘Honestly?’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘In Grandma’s car?’

  Pat and Don had offered to buy her another car, but she’d been advised not to spend any money until the divorce was final. ‘The last thing we need is your husband demanding half!’ were the exact words of her solicitor. So, for now, she was sharing a car with Pat.

  ‘Yes, in Grandma’s car. Won’t that be fun?’

  ‘Can we eat them all?’

  ‘Maybe not all … we’ll need to save some for Grandpa. But …’ They reached the exit just as Charlie reappeared. With one last glance back at the life she desired, Beth finished her sentence, ‘… at least three each, I’d say.’

  Seventy

  A year later Mr and Mrs Collier were officially divorced. As soon as the decree absolute arrived, Don asked if he could have a quick word with Beth in the lounge.

  ‘What’s up, Dad? This is all very formal.’

  ‘I have good news, Betty-Boo.’

  ‘My favourite kind.’ She sat herself down on the sofa, intrigued.

  ‘It’s just a little gift from your Nanna.’ He smiled.

  Beth leant forward in her seat, even more curious. ‘Oh, right.’

  Don reached into his pocket and took out a silver keyring. It was in the shape of a butterfly; whose wings were coloured glass. She recognised it as the one she’d given Nanna many birthdays ago. Attached to the keyring was a key to Nanna’s house.

  ‘What …?’

  ‘There’s two other keys. One for Megan when she’s older and one for us to keep for emergencies.’

  ‘Right … but the tenants …?’

  ‘I gave them notice a couple of months back.’

  ‘You’re going to let me live in Nanna’s house?’ Beth’s face broke into a grin.

  Don could hardly contain his excitement. ‘Sort of.’

  ‘Dad, will you get to the point?’ She’d never seen him so pleased with himself.

  ‘OK. Fair enough. I will, indeed, get to the point. About a year before she died, Nanna told me that she’d written her will, and she’d left her house to me.’

  ‘I knew that bit already.’

  ‘Nanna said that ideally she’d like to leave it to you, but …’

  ‘James!’

  ‘Exactly. We’d already begun to see signs of what was to come, and she couldn’t stand the thought of him losing it.’

  ‘I don’t think any of us could stand that.’

  ‘So, she left it to me, but … she did say this, if I ever figured you were in a position where it was safe to give it to you, you know, if perhaps James was in control of his demons or, as was far more likely, you decided to go it alone, she really wanted you to own it.’

  ‘Wow. So …?’

  Don grinned.

  ‘… it’s mine?’

  ‘Yep. All yours. Nothing to pay. I’ll sort out the paperwork.’ The smile on his face couldn’t have been wider.

  Beth took the keyring from Don. She turned it over in her hand, watching as the sun’s rays burst through the window, and caught the coloured glass, sending rainbows up the wall. Without warning, she welled up. ‘What an amazing person she was.’

  He agreed. ‘She loved you very much. I wish she could’ve known about Megan, she’d be delighted to know you were both going to be living there.’

  ‘Yes, she would. And how clever of her to have left it to you first. Can you imagine what a disaster it would’ve been if James and I had inherited it when she died?’

  ‘Well, thankfully, he won’t be able to get his hands on it now.’

  Beth was incredibly sorry for James. If he’d been able to manage his addiction, the three of us would be living in Nanna’s house, a proper family, happy, loving … She shook her head, there was no point in ‘if onlys’.

  ‘Why don’t you head over there now? Have a look around. Decide where you’re going to put things?’

  ‘I could, couldn’t I?’ She jumped up. ‘Megan’s round at Michelle’s, she loves it there. I’ll see if Michelle can hang on to her for a bit longer.’

  ‘There’s still a couple of Nanna’s things in the house. It might get emotional.’

  ‘I don’t doubt it.’

  ‘Want me to come with you?’ Don asked.

  ‘Oh yes, it’s bound to be less emotional if you’re there!’

  ‘I take your point.’

  She rang Michelle and breathlessly gave her the news. Michelle could hardly contain her excitement. She was more than willing to give Megan her tea. This left Beth a good hour to head over to Nanna’s house and start thinking about living there.

  She parked Don’s car on the driveway and approached the front door. This is ridiculous. How many times have I been to this house? Why the heck am I so emotional now?

  The truth was, in all the years she’d visited Nanna, she’d never been in her house alone, and she’d certainly never used Nanna’s own key to gain entry.

  As she closed the front door behind her, the first thing she noticed was that the house no longer smelled of Nanna. There had always been such a familiar scent, it was sad to think the tenants who’d been living there had somehow changed it. Of course, it wasn’t their fault, they’d merely used a different washing powder and sprayed their own perfumes and deodorants. Nevertheless, Beth missed the smell very much.

  She made her way around the house. Memories flooded back to her in each room. The kitchen was the main one. Many, many cakes had been made and consumed in this house. She had such vivid memories of baking with Nanna, Lisa urging her to lick the spoon. Poor Lisa.

  She climbed the stairs.

  Her dad had been right, around the place there was the odd picture or lamp that had been Nanna’s, but overall it was disappointing how few of her possession were still in residence. Beth remembered Don and Pat clearing out the house after Nanna had died. They’d kept the important things. There were lots of mementos, which now adorned her parents’ house. But it was still sad those things were no longer here, where they belonged.

  She walked into the main bedroom and gazed out of the window at the back garden. The tenants had allowed it to become quite overgrown. Oh bugger, I’m useless at gardening. Still, as long as she cleared a bit of lawn and brought over Megan’s swing, that would be enough for now.

  Sliding open the door to the built-in wardrobes, she hoped to find something of Nanna’s remaining, but alas the wardrobe was empty. Nanna’s clothes had all gone to the charity shop. She walked on, and was soon in the second bedroom, this would become Megan’s room. There were also fitted wardrobes in here, Beth remembered Nanna using them for extra storage. I expect they’ll be empty too. On impulse, she slid back one of the doors. Yep, as I suspected. Hang on though …

  Right at the end of the rail, there hung a gentleman’s suit cover. It was so dark it almost blended into the mahogany formica that lined the old-fashioned wardrobes.

  Reaching her hand into the depths of the wardrobe, Beth removed the suit cover. She wondered if perhaps it contained her Grandpa Malcolm’s wedding suit or something similar.

  Kneeling, she laid the suit cover on the carpet and unzipped the front. With a gasp, she realised it was the dark purple suit Nanna had worn for her wedding to James. Inside the suit was the lacy white blouse she’d worn underneath. And there it was, the sweet smell of vanilla. It wasn’t so much coming from the suit, that had probably been dry cleaned, but the blouse, yes, the blouse smelled of Nanna.

  Gathering it up, Beth buried her face in the soft material. Inhaling deeply, she was transported back to all the times she’d hugged her precious Nanna. It was the most beautiful, the most comforting,
the most wonderful smell. Thank goodness she put her outfit from my wedding away. It smells like she just wore it yesterday. Beth was torn, her head said she needed to quickly get the blouse back into the suit cover and zip it up, to preserve the smell, but her heart wanted to kneel here on the floor and sniff it forever.

  She called out to Nanna, ‘Thank you for this wonderful house. You can’t imagine how much it means to me. Megan and I will always be safe now. I wish you’d met her. She’s incredible. She was worth the wait. You were right, Nanna, I got my baby. I’m going to make this house the most amazing home for us.’ Each sentence was punctuated by a deep sniff of the blouse. Beth’s eyes were squeezed tightly shut and she could see Nanna. Not as she’d been when she’d died, but as she was every other time of her wonderful life. A half of Guinness in front of her, laughing at a rude joke in the pub, up to her elbows in flour, making the Victoria sponge for Beth’s wedding, or running across the green in Tennison Avenue, shouting, ‘I’m nearly home. Nobody can catch me!’

  Reluctantly, Beth clambered from her knees and put the suit and blouse back in the suit cover. Carefully zipping it up, she prayed the heady aroma would linger a while longer.

  On her way home, she stopped off at the shops, and, on impulse, bought a doll’s house. It was bigger and better than the one that had been cruelly taken on the day of Megan’s fifth party.

  Beth just knew it would instantly become one of her daughter’s favourite things.

  Seventy-one

  Around the same time as Beth and Megan were starting their new life at Nanna’s house, James lost their old house. It was amazing he’d hung onto it that long. As soon as Beth’s salary was out of the equation, it was only a matter of time before he defaulted on the mortgage.

  With the house repossessed, he began sofa surfing at mates’ houses. The lads at work each took their turn.

  One night, he pitched up at the house that used to be Nanna’s, but was now Beth’s. It was late, and he was shouting and swearing up at the windows. Beth had to let him in, for fear he’d wake Megan.

  ‘You think I attacked you. That’s why you left.’

  ‘I DO NOT think you meant to hurt me. Forget what other people have said. I know what really happened.’