Can't Get You Out of My Head

by Sue Shepherd

  ‘It was my grandma’s wedding ring.’

  ‘He will lose you that ring. If you don’t believe me, believe my bare hand. I used to wear a beautiful ring that belonged to my nanna. It was taken, along with my wedding ring, by the same two men who took the presents.’ Beth shuddered. ‘Those rings were tight. It was touch and go. I honestly don’t know what they would’ve done if I hadn’t been able to get them off.’

  Without warning, Brittany rose from her chair and started stumbling towards the front door. ‘Right, well, thank you for the coffee. I’m sorry I didn’t drink it. I have to go. I need to think …’

  ‘You have your whole life ahead of you. I promise you, it can be a better life without him in it.’

  Yanking the front door open, Brittany left without further conversation.

  Beth had been the bearer of the worst news. The camomile tea did nothing to relax her.

  The next day she received a short text. ‘I’m not going to Spain. I’ve broken up with Jim. I’m grateful for your honesty.’ As bad as Beth felt, she still breathed a sigh of relief.

  Within two hours of receiving the text, the inevitable happened. James came knocking on the front door. ‘Couldn’t help yourself, could you?’

  ‘Do you want to come in or shall we have this out on the doorstep?’

  ‘Is Megan here?’

  ‘No. She’s at Michelle’s. You’re free to swear. Have your moment, if you will.’ Beth knew he was going to get mad. As he saw it, she’d messed up his ‘new’ life. His fresh start had been ruined because of her. If he wanted to vent, she was prepared to let him. He didn’t scare her, not any more.

  ‘Right, well, I’ll come in, then.’ He followed her into the lounge and began his tirade. ‘You had no fucking right to tell Brittany any of that stuff.’

  ‘Why not. It happened, didn’t it? Did I tell your girlfriend a single lie?’

  ‘No. But that’s not me any more. I’ve sorted myself out and ‒’

  ‘It was partly my money that you used to sort yourself out.’

  ‘Fine. Have it back. How much did you lend me? I’ll be OK. I’ve still got loads …’

  ‘Oh, do shut up. That won’t last you five minutes, and you know it.’

  ‘Yes, it will. I’m sorted now. I’m ‒’

  ‘I only ever gave you money when I thought you were in trouble.’

  ‘I was! Look, Beth, I was in trouble, but I’d heard of this great accumulator. I figured if you loaned me some money, I’d have enough to sort out my debts and get straight. It was such a golden opportunity. I just needed an initial outlay. That’s how these things work.’

  She knew all too well. ‘The fact remains, you could’ve lost the money and then you’d be back to square one, begging me for more.’ She saw real contempt flash across his face when she used the word ‘begging’.

  ‘You don’t understand gambling. You never did. The odds were ‒’

  ‘I don’t want to understand it, James.’

  ‘You were always a bit thick at maths.’

  ‘Get lost. I don’t have to take your crap any longer. I don’t need to be a mathematician to know that you borrowed most of the two grand from me, and you could easily have lost.’

  ‘Well I didn’t lose. I won. I flamin’ won big. This was the one we were waiting for, and you missed out.’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘Yes, you do. You’re just bitter because I was going to share it with Brittany. A jealous cow. That’s all you are, a jealous, frigid cow. You’re not brave enough to start a new life abroad, and you’ve got no boyfriend, so you choose to have a go at me.’ Looking Beth up and down, James remarked, ‘You’ve really let yourself go.’ This was followed by a question, ‘Have you put on weight?’

  She ignored his attempts to belittle her. ‘I don’t have any desire to start a new life in Spain. With or without a boyfriend. I’m honestly not jealous, just concerned.’

  ‘Well don’t be. I don’t want your pity.’

  ‘It’s not pity, It’s ‒’

  ‘It is pity. It’s always pity! It’s written all over your face. I can’t bear it when you look at me like that. I never could. You know what? You remind me of marmalade, bitter and chunky, that’s you.’ James gave a harsh laugh, proud of his own joke.

  He was striding up and down the lounge, and it was making Beth dizzy.

  ‘Will you stop that? If you’re going to stay, please sit down.’

  He chose a chair and flopped into it. ‘It was all sorted. Me, Brittany, the move to Spain. You had no right. It’s just vindictive.’

  ‘I promise you, it wasn’t done in a malicious way. I just thought she needed to know the truth about her beloved “Jim”. You know she lost her dad two years ago, don’t you?’

  James rubbed his forehead, as if trying to see off a headache. ‘Yes. So?’

  ‘Oh, come on, it’s obvious. You were her replacement father. She didn’t love you in a healthy way.’

  ‘Oh … right … and you know that, do you? You don’t know her at all. You don’t know me any more.’

  ‘I know enough to be certain you would’ve taken that gorgeous, squeaky-clean girl and turned her life to rat shit as quick as you can say – “Lend me a fiver”.’

  ‘Right, well, I hope you’re happy. You’ve got what you wanted, you’ve scared her off.’

  ‘GOOD! It’s the right thing. In the long run, you’ll ‒’

  ‘You had to tell her about your fall, didn’t you? Had to make it sound like I pushed you. How many times do I have to apologise about that before we get to move on?’

  ‘It just came up in conversation. I never told her it was your fault.’

  ‘Well, she seemed fairly convinced it was.’

  ‘For God’s sake, the part that actually put her off was those men taking Megan’s presents and Nanna’s ring. Are you denying that happened?’ She saw his jaw clench. He absolutely hated to be reminded he’d put his daughter in danger.

  ‘NO. Of course I’m not. I haven’t forgotten it. You would never let me anyway. You just can’t help holding it over me.’ James was back on his feet.

  She knew it made him feel superior to tower over her. She wanted to slap the arrogant look right off his face. ‘I can’t believe you have the cheek to turn this around.’

  ‘What am I turning around?’

  ‘You’re trying to make me out to be a tyrant, the meanie who won’t let you forget what happened.’

  ‘Well, you won’t! You know what you’re like.’

  ‘What am I like, James?’

  ‘You’re … well, you’re …’

  ‘Supportive, caring, hard-working, are any of those the words you’re searching for?’

  ‘You make a big deal out of things, that’s all.’

  ‘No, James. I absolutely don’t. You always say that, you always put me down. “You know what you’re like, Beth.” It’s supposed to make me feel inferior and stupid. But ‒ no more. Yes, I know what I was like, I was a trusting fool. I let you tell me what I thought, and I let you imply that I was the one with the problem. Well, no more, James, NO MORE!’

  ‘I’m not trying to tell you how to think, I’m just saying ‒ you won’t let me forget what happened that day. It’s not fair.’

  ‘Of course it’s fair. You’re not a small boy, James. A grown man should take responsibility for his actions. Go ahead and forget it, if that’s what you want to do. You forget what those men took. You forget how things might have been if Megan had been there. Forget it all, if it makes you feel better. But I will never forget any of it, not least the decision I had to make that day.’

  ‘What decision? Leaving me, you mean?’

  ‘That was one of them, yes.’ There was simply no way of explaining to him how difficult it had been for her to switch places and throw Lisa under the bus. She’d never told him about her sister when she was in love with him, she was hardly going to start now. Instead, she continued, ‘If Brittany has decided not t
o go to Spain with you, there is nothing I can do about it. Standing here hashing it out isn’t going to change her decision. I’m sorry if your wonderful new life has been ruined, but you know, you’re probably better off staying here anyway. Having Greg on hand to talk to when things get tough is a far better plan.’

  James surprised her. ‘Oh no, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m still going. You may have ruined things for me and Brittany, but you haven’t put me off going to Spain. Far from it. I want to go even more, just to get away from you and your holier-than-thou attitude.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ Beth felt bad for her daughter, nothing more. She looked at the man in front of her. He was adrift. Even when his life was on the up financially, he was still a lost soul. ‘Will you keep in touch with Megan? She’d hate it if you didn’t email or Skype or something.’

  ‘Of course, I will.’ His face softened. ‘I love her. You know that.’

  ‘Yes, I do.’

  ‘Right well … do you want the money back that you lent me, or what?’ The answer he was hoping for was obvious from his expression.

  ‘No, keep it. I guess you’re going to need every penny to get started. But it’s the last money I’m ever giving you.’

  ‘I get it, I get it. Don’t go on.’

  ‘I’m not going on. It’s just that I have plans for my money.’

  ‘Such as?’

  ‘I’m hoping to get the garden landscaped. I want to restore it to the way it was when I was young. And, according to the quotes I’ve had, it won’t be cheap.’

  ‘Your nanna would like that.’

  ‘Yes. It’ll be nice for Megan and her friends too. I plan to get myself a sun lounger. I can lay out there next summer and watch them play.’

  James seemed to like the thought of his daughter running around the garden.

  There was nothing further to say. James made his way to the front door. Once there, he unexpectedly grabbed her chin. ‘Look after your face. When you’re lying in the sun. OK?’

  Beth wanted to cry. For her. For him. For those two young people who’d loved each other. There was a time when his touch could evoke such a passionate response. Not now though. She gently removed his hand from her face. ‘Of course. I’m older and wiser now.’

  ‘Good.’ He smiled, and for a fraction of a second he was her James again. ‘I plan to leave for Spain in about a week. Hopefully I’ll get a bit of bar work in time for Christmas. I’ll come and say cheerio to Megan in a few days, OK?’

  ‘Yep. Fine. James …’ she knew he didn’t want to hear it, but she had to try, ‘please don’t get into trouble over there. Find out where there are meetings and go to them.’ She grabbed hold of his arm. A tiny part of her wanted to let him back into her world. She just knew that pain and sadness lay ahead for him. As always, she blamed herself for not being able to fix him.

  She could almost hear Lisa’s voice. ‘You can’t save the idiot. He can only save himself.’

  As she’d done frequently since her fall, Beth wished Lisa was still inside her head, so she could argue with her. ‘He’s never going to make it alone.’

  But she knew, Lisa would’ve replied, ‘Let him go. Stop beating yourself up. You’re no longer responsible for this man.’

  And Lisa would’ve been right.

  ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart.’ He hadn’t called her that for years.

  ‘For …?’

  ‘For all of it. For not living up to your hopes.’

  Sympathy stifled her. ‘I … I … just wish you could’ve ‒’

  He didn’t let her finish. ‘If it’s any consolation, it’s been hell for me too.’

  ‘James,’ she let go of his arm, ‘I loved you. How could your torture be a consolation?’

  Seventy-four

  A few days after James left to begin his new life in Spain, there was a knock at Beth’s front door. Not just any old knock, a loud, boisterous knock. The kind of knock that used to send her scurrying behind the sofa.

  She looked through the glass front door and saw a heavy built man standing on the doorstep. He was wearing jeans, a T-shirt and a kind of donkey jacket, and he was sporting a large beard.

  As Beth opened the door, the man said, ‘I’ve come to price up the gardening job, you left a message with my apprentice, and I … Beth?’

  ‘Yes.’

  The gardener gave a familiar grin. ‘Bloody hell!’

  ‘Hello, Charlie. How are you?’

  ‘Beth Campbell! I’m shocked, that’s how I am.’

  ‘I gave your apprentice a fake name. I wanted to surprise you. It seems I’ve succeeded.’

  ‘Yep. So, the gardening quote … it was all a wind up?’

  ‘No, of course not. Like I said on the phone, I need the whole thing landscaped. I’m not that mean as to make you think you had a job to quote on.’

  ‘Right you are.’ Charlie treated her to another cheeky grin.

  ‘I see you’ve been working on your bum fluff. That’s quite the beard you’ve got there. I nearly didn’t recognise you.’

  Charlie scratched his chin, noisily. ‘Yeah, got there in the end.’

  Stepping backwards, she invited him in. ‘Come through. I’ll show you the back garden.’

  As they walked around, she allowed herself a few sneaky glances at him, whilst pointing out all the jobs that needed doing. ‘All those bushes could do with coming out, they’re full of prickles. And I’d rather this was decking.’

  He was listening, but …

  ‘You’re not writing anything down.’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘How are you going to remember what needs doing, you wally?’

  ‘Right. Yes. OK.’ He reached into his top pocket and took out a little notepad and a stubby pencil.

  Once they were back in the house, and Beth had made them both tea, she asked, ‘I hope you don’t mind me getting you here, like this? I wanted to see you; I Googled your name. I thought I might just find a Facebook account or something like that. When I realised you were a gardener, it seemed ideal, I desperately need all that sorted.’ She gestured towards the wilderness.

  ‘What made you want to see me now, after all this time?’

  Because it was the last thing I promised my sister. ‘I don’t know, it just seemed like a nice idea.’ She changed the subject. ‘When did you become a gardener?’

  Charlie gave it some thought. ‘Uh … I’ve been doing it for nearly five years now. I like it. There’s only so many times you can teach foreigners all the good English swear words before it becomes dull. Besides, I prefer being outdoors to being in a classroom.’

  ‘And I suppose it gives you lots of opportunity to meet lonely housewives.’ It was meant to be a joke, but somehow it just sounded sad.

  ‘Are you lonely?’ He seemed concerned.

  ‘No … I meant other housewives. You know the kind of thing? You always were a ladies’ man.’

  He raised his eyebrows. ‘Well, I wasn’t a monk, if that’s what you mean.’

  For want of anything else to say, Beth asked, ‘Biscuits?’

  ‘Yes, please.’

  She fetched a packet of Digestives from the kitchen. Entering the room, she called out, ‘Suggestives! Remember?’

  Charlie chuckled.

  ‘So,’ she reached into the pocket of his jacket and retrieved his notebook, ‘what do you think this lot is going to cost me?’ She examined his last page of notes. ‘Huh?’ It was all about a different job. He’d not written a thing about her garden.

  ‘I … um … I couldn’t concentrate.’ He snatched the notebook back. ‘Don’t laugh at me.’

  ‘I’m not. I’m just surprised, that’s all.’

  ‘I don’t know why, you know I always go a bit stupid around you. That’s what got me into trouble before.’

  ‘Before?’

  ‘Yeah. You remember? When I did that ridiculous front flip into the pool on your birthday.’

  ‘You were showing off.’

&nbs
p; ‘Showing off? Me? Never!’ He snorted. ‘Of course. I was trying to impress you. All I ever wanted was to impress you.’

  ‘To impress me?’

  ‘Yes. You told me to do it, so I did.’

  Beth shook her head. ‘No, I didn’t.’

  ‘ “Why don’t you do a front flip into the pool at my party, tomorrow?” They were your exact words. Actually, there may have been a “you wally” in there too.’

  ‘I never would’ve told you to do that.’

  ‘You did. In fact, you went on to dare me. A double-dare, I do believe, and you knew I couldn’t resist those.’

  Bewildered, Beth asked, ‘When? When did I double-dare you to front flip into the pool?’

  ‘Like I just said, the night before your party.’

  ‘That’s not possible.’

  ‘You came to find me. It was a hot evening. I was just putting my BMX away in the garage, remember?’

  ‘I was in bed with an ear infection.’

  ‘Yeah, you’d been in bed for like a week or so. That’s why you were all wobbly on your feet. You really don’t remember? I laughed at how you were walking, and you told me you were really ill. Your head was all stuffed up. You said you had cotton wool in your ears.’

  ‘I wasn’t allowed out of bed until the morning of my party.’

  ‘You must be remembering it wrong, Beth. It’s clear as day for me. Your memory is diabolical.’

  ‘And I told you to jump in the pool?’

  ‘Yeah. A front flip. I guess you thought it would prove how brave I was. I was worried in case I hurt myself, and you said something like … “If you do, my mum will come and save you”. You thought it would be fun, but I was nervous. That’s why I left it so late in the day to do it. I kept putting it off.’

  ‘Understandable.’

  ‘In the end, I panicked, and did the flip just as you were all heading inside for tea.’

  ‘I don’t think it was me ‒’

  ‘Of course it was you! Like I say, I wanted to impress you, and a double-dare is a double-dare, especially when you’re ten.’