by Natalie Ann
Truth was, after this weekend, he found out he was falling in love with her and needed to know if there was anything standing in his way.
A Brother
A month later, Jared was sitting in the SUV waiting for clearance by the heavily armed security guards, three other members of the team with him. Another SUV behind him with a commander and three of his SEALs.
The SUV he was in contained one captain, one commander and another engineer. One that never served. One that worked a desk out of DC and was the only one not in uniform. All the things Jared didn’t want to be or do.
Seven of them had standard camo pants on, boots and Navy shirts. Six were wearing guns strapped to their thighs. Not him. He could have, but chose not to. He felt it’d be hypocritical at the moment. He worked in a classroom, not in the field.
He and Tom, the captain, drove from Annapolis to DC where they met the rest of them and boarded a Navy plane to take them to their destination.
Steve, the other engineer, sat quietly with his computer. The rest of them laughed and joked and told stories of missions. There were no bitter feelings. No remorse. And no judgment on their part that he didn’t share that bond with them now.
Everyone knew the other’s history. Or knew enough. And they treated him like one of them. Not someone who got hurt in the field and most likely would never return. But like a brother that had been there and done that and they were on their way to another mission.
Only this one wouldn’t result in the loss of life. Maybe, if they were lucky, what they were doing would save quite a few in the future. The lives of his brothers.
Passes were finally cleared and all eight of them made their way into the building, flanked by more guards. It was laughable that the guards were just a step or two up from rent-a-cops, maybe they were retired serviceman or law enforcement, but none of them had a shot against seven out of the eight in the group. Steve should be so lucky to be protected by this group. He knew his back was covered.
They were ushered into a secure room, the assault rifles on the table in front of them, a shooting range beyond the glass walls.
He hadn’t picked up a rifle since the explosion. He’d expected nightmares before this day. Something. Anything. He got nothing.
Maybe it was having Shelby in his life. Kayla giggling and playing with him. A happiness he’d been missing, leaving no room for fears. No room for weaknesses.
Or maybe he was so lost in his own head for months that he finally found some way out.
Tom had taken the lead as the highest ranking officer, a close friend of Kevin’s too, and made the introduction. When it came to him, he was introduced as, “Lieutenant Hawk.” He heard the rank daily in class. It was how the recruits addressed him. But here it felt different. It felt like more.
He and Steve were pulled aside and shown more specs in detail, asked questions and listened, took their notes. The rest of the team had the rifles in their hands, testing them out, and then everyone walked to the range to see them in action. He slipped his hearing aid off and put it in his pocket before putting the headset on.
Seeing them in use, firing, was a work of art. A piece of history could be made here. He’d be a part of it and he’d have a say in it. He could be saving lives. A hero. It wasn’t what he thought of years ago when he enlisted, but now he was realizing hero had many meanings.
***
Shelby was rocking Kayla in her arms trying to get her to stop crying. Cranky toddlers and sandals on the sidewalk didn’t always go hand and hand. The scratches on Kayla’s knees would heal like the ones on her palms.
“It’s okay, honey. You just tripped. Come on inside and we’ll get you cleaned up.”
“I want Jay,” Kayla wailed.
Shelby stopped in shock. It was the first time Kayla had asked for him like that. Sure, Kayla was always excited to see Jared, and they saw him every few days for the last month. Weekends they spent together at her house. They’d been to his house a time or two, but there was no place for Kayla to sleep for the night and Shelby wouldn’t consider asking him to make a place.
They weren’t there yet. Even if she wished they were, it wasn’t her place to ask. He’d have to want to do it on his own.
She knew he wasn’t always comfortable at her house. It was small for him. He’d hit his head a few times on cabinets and in her shower. But he never mentioned that they could spend more time at his place, even if it was bigger and nicer.
“Jay will be home in a few days.”
“Now!” Kayla shouted.
“I think someone needs to sleep,” Shelby said. She couldn’t remember the last time Kayla acted like this.
Jared had been gone for over a week and should be returning soon. He’d been in DC the last she knew. Other than that, she knew nothing. He couldn’t tell her and she didn’t ask. She wanted to but knew better.
Ethan never did anything top secret and never wanted to. She knew that and understood why.
She thought she’d be scared knowing Jared was doing something so confidential. “A mission?” she’d asked. He’d said, “In a manner of speaking, but not like you think.” But he was grinning when he said it, and she knew he was excited and that he needed this in his life. She wasn’t about to voice any fears.
Even if those fears were festering that maybe it was a step to send him into a dangerous situation. She wanted to talk to him about it but didn’t. She held her tongue knowing that, like asking for space for Kayla in his home, this wasn’t her place either.
He had a right to pick his own career and she was going to have to accept it or let him go. One or the other, but that was her choice and if it came down to it, she’d make it. But she wasn’t going to worry about being a widow again so young. Not today.
It was almost as if he sensed some of her fears and reassured her there was nothing to be worried about. She had no choice but to trust him.
Kayla’s tears were down to sniffles now and Shelby thought it would be safe to try to clean her up and get her down for a nap.
“Would you like to lie on the couch and watch a movie?” It wasn’t something she often allowed, but had a feeling today might be the exception.
“Yes, please.”
Looked like things might be settling down, so Shelby brought Kayla to the bathroom, washed her knees and palms, put a little ointment on them, gave them a kiss and then put some Disney band-aids on.
Once Kayla was settled, Shelby sat at the kitchen table and sent a text off to Jared. I really miss you today. Hope to hear from you tonight.
She wasn’t bugging him. He’d told her to send him texts or leave messages, something for him to look forward to, and he’d try to call if he could. If not, she at least could get a few texts back before bed.
She wasn’t used to having someone to reach out to on a bad day like this. It took everything she had to send that message to him and hoped he didn’t think she was being needy.
When her phone rang an hour later, she grabbed it off the counter and walked outside to answer without looking at it. She was afraid it would wake Kayla and her baby needed more than an hour nap.
“Hello,” she said, her voice happy.
“Shelby?”
“Billy?” she said back, her smile dropping. “What’s wrong?”
She didn’t often hear from her brother. He was the only one she still talked to. The only one she could reach or that was allowed to speak to her because he was estranged too. But they still weren’t as close as some might think with the upbringing they had.
“It’s Mom. She’s in the hospital.”
“What happened?” Shelby asked. She missed her mother so much and hated to leave the way she did, but there was no choice. Her mother wasn’t strong enough to stand up to their father or protect the kids. She was just trying to survive herself. Always on the weaker side, and always going to another room when things got bad. Like if she walked away it wasn’t happening. If only it was that easy.
“They thin
k she had a heart attack. They aren’t sure.”
“How did you find out? Did Dad call you?”
Billy snorted on the other line. “Hardly. Rodney told me. He met me at work one day. He knew Dad wouldn’t tell me. He asked if I could get in touch with you.”
“He knows we talk?” Shelby asked.
“I think he guessed. Rodney is the only communication I’ve got to the house and it’s not very often. I think he’s put it together. He mentioned something about a new dress showing up at the house last month. A package the neighbor delivered. He thought maybe it came from you and asked me.”
“It was me. I always send Mom something on Mother’s Day.”
She’d mailed it to the neighbors, who were old and retired. The wife still talked to their mother and snuck over things when Shelby sent them. They were few and far between…though Shelby did send pictures of Kayla now and again letting her mother know she had a grandchild, not that she thought they’d ever meet.
“That’s nice,” Billy said. “I should, but I can’t. I can’t accept that she let what she did happen to us. That it’s probably still going on and there isn’t much I can do. Once Rodney turns eighteen I think he’s coming with me if he doesn’t go to school somewhere.”
“How’s Carolyn? What’s she going to do now that she graduated?”
“She’s hoping to get a full-time job somewhere and get out.”
“No college?”
“Really, Shelby? This is Carolyn we’re talking about. I know you haven’t been around in years, but I’m surprised she got through school. I think the only reason she went was to get out of the house. She did some culinary training or something. Some vocational thing. She’s been working part-time at a cafe and is hoping to find something full time. Rodney says she’s trying to find a few people to get an apartment with. I’m sure she’ll be out soon.”
“If Dad doesn’t stop it?”
“He can’t stop us.”
“Just disown us and bar us from seeing Mom or having any communication with anyone else?”
“You know why you and I were. Rodney says everyone else seems to be towing the line.”
“Or else?” Shelby asked, remembering more than she cared to.
“I want to think things have gotten better. Or less frequent. Maybe he’s softened.”
“I doubt it,” Shelby said. “Back to Mom. Have you tried to see her or get any information?”
“No. I’ll find out from Rodney where she is and pass it on. I just wanted you to know. I didn’t ask a lot of questions, but then Lisa said the least I could do was pass it to you.”
Lisa was Billy’s girlfriend. “How’s Lisa doing?”
“She’s good. A saint for putting up with me,” he said laughing.
“You’re not that bad.”
“Neither are you, Shelby. I don’t care what Dad says or did. There’s nothing wrong with us.”
She didn’t want to talk about it anymore. She was beyond it. “Let me know what you find out.”
“I will.”
Shelby hung up the phone and sat in one of the chairs on her deck, looking out at the houses beyond her backyard. There hadn’t been one day in the last five years that she missed Kentucky. She missed her mother. She missed her siblings, but for her sanity, she had to leave. Billy did the same. She was guessing Carolyn was too. Maybe the remaining three would learn from her and Billy’s mistakes. Or maybe it wouldn’t matter.
She only knew she was gone. She was here and she was safe.
Longing to Return
Jared hadn’t been this wound up in years. This excited and full of life.
He pulled his SUV to a stop in Shelby’s driveway, then hopped out, all but running to the front door. He hadn’t even gone home yet, instead driving straight here after Tom dropped him back at the Academy to get his vehicle.
He couldn’t wait to see Shelby. To hold her. To kiss her. To feel her body against his. Her soft skin and wild ways.
Then there was Kayla. All giggles and smiles. Hugs and games.
All those years he was away from family, he never missed anyone like he had these two in the twelve days he’d been gone. He wasn’t even that far away. Just DC. Less than an hour, but an hour was enough when he hadn’t been able to leave and come see her.
He knocked once on the door. He hadn’t told her he was coming and just wanted to surprise her. When he turned the handle he found it locked, then knocked again.
She finally came to the door and opened it, looking more frazzled than he’d ever seen. Kayla was crying in the living room, lying on the floor, her feet kicking in the air.
“Jared,” she said, launching herself into his arms. “Am I glad to see you.” She pulled his head down and kissed him hard, then kissed him deeply. “Wow, that is almost getting rid of my headache.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked, looking beyond her and seeing Kayla swiveling on the floor and then running at him full force, screeching his name. Tears running down her cheeks but a smile on her face.
He let go of Shelby and reached down for Kayla, swinging her in his arms and hugging her tight.
“Jay’s home. Jay’s home,” Kayla chanted.
Home. It was what he felt right now. Not the place but the people. The two of them. Where he needed to be. Where he’d been longing to return to.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home tonight?” she asked, pulling him in. “Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?”
“I’m good. We ate before we left.” He turned to Kayla and kissed her cheek. “Are you giving Mommy a hard time?”
“Not tired,” Kayla said, frowning.
He looked at Shelby, who was shaking her head. “Don’t ask. It’s not been a good couple of days. The fact your presence stopped the tears like that is pretty frustrating on top of it.”
He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Don’t be jealous.”
She snorted at him. “I’ll never get her to bed now with you here.”
“Do you want me to leave and come back?”
“No,” she said. “Maybe you wouldn’t mind helping me get her settled for the night. You probably need to go home though, right? You just said you came straight here?”
“I’ve got clothes with me. I’d rather stay unless you don’t want me to. What time do you need to be at work tomorrow?”
“Eight,” she said, “but I’d really like you to stay.”
“There’s no other place I’d rather be.”
***
“You know, I went years without sex. Months during my marriage. And I never remember needing it as much as I have in the twelve days and fifteen hours since you’ve been gone.”
“You were counting down the hours?” he said, laughing and pulling her close to his side. They were both naked and in her bed.
“I have been. I’m glad you’re staying tonight. Do you need to go back?”
She hoped not but didn’t want to sound needy. She didn’t want to push him away, telling herself it was best to keep just enough distance rather than fall down the well again…fearful she’d start to depend on someone when she’d sworn to never do it again.
“I might in a few weeks. I think we’re done right now. I’ll probably be doing some work for the admiral until the fall semester starts.”
“So we’ll be able to spend a lot more time together then,” she asked. “If you want to. No pressure. I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry about?” he asked. “Of course I do. I’ve missed both of you more than I thought I would. Wait, that didn’t come out right.”
She laughed. “I get it. I guess it’s new for me too. I’ve been alone for so long and was used to it. And then you come into my life and I realize that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be anymore.”
“That’s a good thing, right?”
“Of course it is. I just don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you. You’ve got your own life and career.” She was putting her foot in her mout
h already.
“I do. And I found myself wanting to share things with you, yet knowing I can’t. But I can talk to you a little. I can tell you that what I did for the last two weeks made me feel almost like I did before the accident. That I was making a difference. That it was important.”
She frowned at him. He was getting better about not focusing on what he lost and she was ready to get annoyed if he stepped back again. “Everything you do is important, Jared. You don’t have to fire a gun to feel like you’re making a difference in life.” She was trying to keep the frustration out of her voice. Why was he always so hard on himself about this?
“I know that now. I see it. I’ve thought a lot about it the last week. I’m going to talk to the admiral this week. I like making a difference in the classroom. Maybe teaching the next generation. But I loved what I did this week. I want to do more of it, though I don’t want to do it all the time. Not if it will pull me away from you and Kayla.”
She leaned back, shocked he said that. That maybe he was finally realizing it and seeing the value he had and what he could give to others. She was glad she didn’t have to yell at him again, not during his homecoming.
And that he was thinking about not wanting to be away from her and Kayla when they’d only been together a few months—that was probably the bigger shock. “You have to do what makes you happy though. It’s not about us.”
She would be damned if she allowed him to use them as an excuse for not finding what he wanted out of his career or his life. Nor did she want him to ever come back and say he made a mistake because he wasn’t thinking it through all the way. Maybe blame her because he thought she needed him. She didn’t need anyone. She was good on her own.
“It is about you. It’s been about you since Kayla called me Daddy.” He traced his finger along her jaw. “I love you, Shelby. I love Kayla. I understand if it’s too soon for you to feel the same way. I’m not asking you to say it back to me, but I wanted you to know.”