by Natalie Ann
She felt her heart race, her body coming alive. Everything she always wanted to feel and never did suddenly filled her to a point she’d never thought was possible. But she still wanted to make sure he was making decisions for himself.
“I’m glad you wanted me to know. That takes the pressure off of wondering how you feel. Of how you’d react when I told you that I loved you too. But you have to make decisions for your future on your own. Not with thoughts of me or Kayla in mind.”
He leaned back, showing her he was just as annoyed as she’d been at times, making her wonder if he’d held himself back when she’d given him grief. “You are my future.” He pulled her across his chest, his arms wrapping around her tight. “Move in with me,” he said.
She was dreaming, she had to be. “Where is that coming from?”
“Why wait? I don’t need to. I don’t want to. This house is too small for the three of us. For me,” he said laughing. “I know what I want. I know what I need. I’ve heard you loud and clear enough times about figuring my life out. I did. I am.”
“There’s no place for Kayla to sleep at your house.”
“Sounds like you’re the one looking for excuses now.” He laughed at her frown. “A bed and a can of paint. That’s all I need to do. I can do that in a day. If that’s all that is stopping you, I’ll have it done tomorrow. You can pack.”
This was all happening so fast. “I want to. I really do. But I need to think. I mean I can’t do it that fast. I’ve got to pack. What do I do about this house? I don’t know if it’s smart to sell it. We haven’t known each other that long.”
“Are you trying to talk yourself out of it?”
“No,” she said, rushing out her words. “Just thinking out loud.” What was wrong with her? Everything she’d always dreamed of was right here in her bed asking her to move in with him and she was babbling about her house.
“There’s time to figure it out. You don’t need to do anything right away to move in with me. We’ll talk it out. Figure it out. But for now, we can all get under one roof, right?”
“Yeah. We can.” It was time to stop fighting herself so much.
Trying to Pretend
Jared was just starting to doze off when Shelby’s phone rang.
She reached over and looked at the screen, then sat up quick and turned the light on. “Billy? What’s going on?”
He thought back and remembered she had a brother by that name. He didn’t have his hearing aid in and she was on his left so he couldn’t hear the voice on the other end of her phone. He turned and looked at her, then heard her brother’s voice, muffled but loud. Shelby was pale and sitting still, not saying a word, then finally said, “I’ll get back to you. I’m going to try to get there if I can. I’ll let you know.”
“Is everything okay?” he asked when she set her phone down on the bed.
“It’s my mother. Last week Billy called to say they thought she had a heart attack, but the hospital ended up releasing her a day later after tests were inconclusive. My brother Rodney just called Billy to say that they rushed my mother to the hospital again. She passed out in the kitchen after clutching her chest. I don’t know much more.”
“You can’t call your father?”
“He won’t talk to me. Won’t even answer my call. Billy is only a town away from them and my father didn’t bother to tell him either. We’d never know anything if one of our siblings in the house didn’t tell us. Even then, only Rodney seems to reach out.”
“Why? I don’t understand. Don’t you think it’s time you tell me about your family? You’ve said before that Ethan was a way to escape for you. What aren’t you saying?”
“It’s so hard to talk about. I’ve never said much to anyone, though it wasn’t that big of a secret back home. Not in our small community. Most knew and no one stepped in. Everyone minded their own business and looked the other way.”
He wasn’t sure he liked the way she was looking right now. Or shaking. He pulled her down and against him. “Just tell me. I need to know. I want to know.” How could he help her if he didn’t?
“We didn’t have a lot of money growing up. There were a lot of mouths to feed and my mother didn’t work. My father didn’t want her to work.”
“What does he do?”
“He’s a foreman at a manufacturing plant last I knew. I’m sure he’s still there. Doesn’t really matter. He worked nights. He was big. Mean. Nasty. Possessive.”
He didn’t like where this was going. “Did he abuse your mother? You?”
“I guess that’s the word for it. He hit us. Whipped us with a belt. It wasn’t unheard of there. It wasn’t often, but it was enough. Enough to keep us in line.”
“Once is more than enough. Your mother never did anything?”
“No. She wasn’t that strong of a person. I don’t know if he ever hit her. I’m guessing he might have at one point when we were younger, but I don’t remember. She learned her place and made sure not to anger him. There were rules in the house and if you followed the rules you were good.”
“Rules? Like what?” he asked.
“Like not to make any noise when he was home. He worked nights, like I said. When he got out of work in the morning, he didn’t want to hear the kids talking, fighting or doing anything. He wanted to come home and have food on the table before he went to sleep. We were normally up and getting ready for school. I was the oldest. Then Billy. He and I ended up being examples for the rest of them.”
“Meaning you two were beaten more?” No, whipped she’d said, though he couldn’t bring himself to say that.
“I guess. It seemed there wasn’t much Billy and I could do right. It wasn’t just being quiet. It was doing our chores, being respectful to him and my mother. Not embarrassing him or my mother in the community by acting up in school. There were more, but those are the basic ones.”
“He was worried about his kids embarrassing him when he was home taking a belt to them?” He felt like he was going back in time. “Where did he hit you?”
She shrugged. “Our backs. Shoulders. Back of the legs is the worst.”
He couldn’t imagine. He was a big guy. He’d gone through a lot of pain, but as a kid, nothing. Nothing like that. Not even the physical part, but the emotional. It was no wonder she wanted to escape.
“Did Ethan know?”
“He did. We weren’t allowed cell phones, not that my father would have been able to afford them for everyone. I worked part-time and paid for a pre-paid one and hid it from him. I guess you could say I rebelled behind his back as much as I could. Billy did too. We were always told we were troublemakers.”
He found that hard to believe. There wasn’t anything about her that would make him think she was a troublemaker. Sure, she was stubborn and stood her ground, but there wasn’t anything wrong with that. “You were probably just being typical kids.”
“Billy and I thought so. But most kids didn’t get a belt across the back because they didn’t have food on the table when their father got home from work. My mother had been sick one morning and asked me to do it. I was trying to get the other kids ready for school, and myself. Time got away from me. It didn’t again. I didn’t go to school that day either.”
There was a rage in him that he didn’t know he could possess. Just the thought of that happening to her. Someone so tiny and so sweet. “So Ethan took you away from it?”
“Not really. Or I guess. I told him what was going on. He knew. But he wasn’t always so...strong. Not like you. He’d been abused when he was in the system. He understood what I was going through and we talked about getting me away. But he wanted to meet my parents. He never had any and he had these illusions of a family even though I told him it’d never happen.”
He bit his tongue on responding to that. How any guy would want to meet and become part of a family where the guy beat his kids was laughable. “Then how did you end up leaving?”
“I’d finished school the week before Ethan
was going to come and meet me in person. I used to talk to him at night in my room when my sister was asleep. I’d be under the covers where she couldn’t see the light on my phone if she woke. I didn’t want to tell my father about Ethan, but I did. I told him I met someone. He called me every name in the book. I told him I’d never met Ethan in person, that I hadn’t done anything with him, but he didn’t believe me. He wouldn’t listen. He started to undo his belt and Billy came rushing in and stopped him. It wasn’t a good night for either of us. Billy was just a teen trying to protect me. My mother had gone in the other room like she always did, trying to pretend it wasn’t happening.”
He was shocked that she was just calmly talking about this. Like she was telling a story. There were no tears in her eyes. Nothing. It was like relaying the past and nothing more.
His hand started to run up and down her back. He’d never seen any scars there. But he was guessing they were more mental. More emotional. Yet not once had he ever caught sight of them.
“I’d told Ethan what happened before he came. I got the feeling he was going to change his mind and I couldn’t have him do that. I really felt something for him. He’d become this figure in my life that I cared for. That cared for me. We talked about getting married and I was shocked that he was going to change his mind over what I’d been telling him all along. I was heartbroken.”
Ethan was nothing more than a coward in his eyes, but he wouldn’t voice that out loud. It wouldn’t serve a purpose other than to make him feel better to curse and swear at the man that didn’t stand up for Shelby.
“What happened then? How did you know he was going to change his mind?”
“I didn’t really. It was just the tone of the texts were changing. But he did come and see me and he was happy when we met. I felt this attraction and pull toward him like I thought I would. I’m not sure if it’s because I wanted one to be there, or it really was there. After that night we met, when I lied and said I had to work when I didn’t so I could get out of the house, we decided to just leave. I went back home and when everyone was sleeping and my father was working, I packed as much stuff as I could in a bag and left a note.”
“You’ve never seen your parents again after that?” Could that be why she was disowned? For trying to escape an abusive father?
“I went back home a few days later. Ethan and I had eloped. I wanted to see my mother. I missed her. I just wanted her to know I was okay and to see my siblings. I’d gone back when I knew my father was at work. My mother was upset, but she understood. I gathered the rest of my stuff and left mine and Ethan’s phone numbers with her. I wanted to stay in touch.”
“Did you?”
“No. The next morning when my father came home, Gretchen, who was just barely in kindergarten, said I’d come back. He made my mother tell him what happened. What was going on. Then he called me on my phone and told me that I wasn’t to ever step foot in the house again. I was never to talk to any of my siblings again. I was dead to him and the family. He didn’t care if I was married or not, he’d make me pay if I did. Or he’d make my mother pay.”
“Your husband did nothing?” Jared asked.
He would have ripped Shelby’s father apart for the words alone. He might have killed him if he saw her father lay a hand on her. He knew he definitely wanted to meet her brother Billy, though, to thank him for standing up for his sister when no one else would. Not even the man she’d married.
“We were gone at that point. What was Ethan supposed to do? He said I’d never have to go back. That I was free from it. He’d never hurt me and he never did. We had a decent marriage. We found something in each other we both were looking for and it seemed to be enough back then.”
“Is that what you want now? Just enough?”
“No. I want more. It’s scary and it’s hard. I don’t want to depend on anyone. I was afraid back then. I met Ethan and he helped me get away from that life. When he died, I didn’t know how I was going to do it on my own. But you know what? I can and I do. I’m not my mother. I’m not weak and I know that if you left tomorrow, I’d be fine eventually. But it’d hurt. And I don’t want to hurt again.”
Now she was crying. Not when she was relaying the nightmare of her childhood, but when she was talking about a fear he’d leave her. “I don’t want you to ever hurt again. Not physically or emotionally.”
“I thought what I felt for Ethan was love. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Like I said, it was enough.”
“But it wasn’t true love. Because when you love someone you stand in front of them. You stand with them and behind them and you stand for them. That’s what I feel for you.”
She started to bawl and he wondered if he somehow made matters worse until she said, “That’s what I feel for you too.”
Lucky One
“You don’t have to go with me,” Shelby said to him the next night.
“I do. I’d never consider letting you go back home alone. I’m not working right now. I’ve got nothing but time on my hands.”
No way was he allowing her anywhere near her father without him standing by her side. Not happening. Little Ms. Independent better get it through her head.
“I could have left Kayla with Nancy for a few days.”
“No,” he said. “You’d be distracted. You don’t need that either. She’s better being with you and you know it.”
“You don’t think it’s stupid for me to bring Kayla with me though? I just don’t want to be away from her for too long.”
“It’s fine. I’ll be there with you. With both of you. Nothing is going to happen to either of you.”
“I believe that. I really do. I just want to see my mother. Billy doesn’t really know what’s going on. My father isn’t telling the kids anything and the hospital won’t release any information to me when I call. My father would never think I’d go see her. I’m hoping if I time it right, he’ll be home sleeping during the day and I can avoid him altogether.”
Deep down Jared was hoping they didn’t time it right. He wanted to confront her father. Tell him what a piece of shit father he was. Maybe put the fear of God into him for the remaining kids at home.
“We could have flown and gotten there faster,” he said. They were putting the rest of their stuff in his SUV.
“Too much money,” she said. “And no, you aren’t paying for it. Don’t say it again. I know it’s a lot of travel for two days. Nine hours there and back, but I don’t want to consider the costs and flying with Kayla or everything that would entail. Driving through the night is better.”
He’d lost the argument on flying. Her face was red when he offered and only got worse, so he let it go as much as it pained him to do so. It seemed he was always losing with her. Always giving in for someone that never had before. When had he turned into that kind of a person? When did he stop fighting for something?
They were leaving at seven, hoping for Kayla to sleep through the night. They’d check into the hotel when they got into town, get a few hours of sleep and then go to the hospital.
“Do you want me to drive while you get some sleep?” she asked.
“I’m good. You just relax. You’ve got a lot on your mind. Talk to me if you want.”
They climbed into his SUV, Kayla in her pajamas with her bear under her arm, a portable DVD player attached to the headrest behind his seat for her to watch.
“I’ll wait until she’s sleeping if you don’t mind. I mean, I doubt she’d understand what we were talking about, but I don’t want to take any chances.”
“We don’t have to talk about your family. Why don’t we talk about us? The move. Are you sure you’re okay with it?”
He didn’t want to ask for fear she’d change her mind, but he really wanted her to be positive. She’d asked him enough times if she and Kayla were what he wanted and to make sure he wasn’t making decisions because of them; he guessed he needed to know if she was making decisions for herself too.
“I’m sure. More s
ure than I’ve been about anything in my life and that is saying a lot.”
“How’s that?” he asked, looking over at her frown.
She turned her head and looked at Kayla. “Her eyelids are already drooping.” She stopped for a minute, looked out the window and then turned back to him. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“You can tell me anything. Always. I don’t want secrets between us. Ever.”
“Except work?” she said, grinning at him.
“Well, yeah. I can’t tell you those things, but I’ll always make sure you know there’s no reason to worry.”
“Thank you for that. I never worried with Ethan. He wasn’t much of a fighter.”
Jared didn’t think so from what he’d found out. “Is that the secret that you’re sharing?”
“No. I’m getting off base. I’ll stop.”
“Don’t. Continue on.” If she was going to tell him more about her relationship with Ethan, he wanted to hear it.
“He wasn’t someone to ever fight back. He was a runner, you could say. He never told me that, but I guessed it when we talked about his childhood now and again. He knew about mine, kind of a sick bond if you think about it.”
“Did you ever fight back?” He thought she might have, which was why things seemed so bad for her and Billy.
“Not physically. Verbally when I was younger. I purposely broke rules to test the waters. To see if my father would do what he said he would. I learned he would. Billy was the same way. My father tried to break us of that rebellion.”
“It didn’t work though.” He was glad that with everything that happened to her, nothing broke her down.
“For a period of time it did. I let that happen. Then as I got older, I saw the world out there and I started to plan. I just kept those plans to myself. But back to Ethan for a minute. He liked being in the shadows. He didn’t want to draw attention to himself. I think that is why I feared he’d back out even though we said we were getting married. Even though he said he loved me.”