Love Is Blind

by Lakestone, Claudia

  It was different, kissing him without the cover of darkness shrouding us. Even though I knew he couldn’t see anything more than a blurry outline of me, I felt vulnerable. But I also felt like I was on fire inside.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have kissed him back like that, but I did. It felt like fireworks were going off inside me and with horror I realized I was falling for him hard.

  I hadn’t let myself care about anyone or anything in a long, long time because it was safer that way. But it was too late to distance myself from Chris. As his lips pressed against mine I knew I couldn’t turn off my feelings for him now even if I wanted to.

  The realization was terrifying.

  Chapter 09

  Chris and I spent pretty much every minute together the day before he left for Norway. As soon as I knew my mom had left for work, I took him to my house so we could be alone. The gravity of what was about to happen was sinking in and it just felt like Chris and I needed to say goodbye in private.

  “It smells good in here,” he said the moment he stepped in the door.

  “I baked cookies this morning,” I told him as I took his arm and led him into the kitchen. It was the first time he’d ever been to my place and I wanted to make a good first impression. Since he couldn’t see, I’d decided I wanted the aroma of freshly baked cookies to greet him when he stepped inside. Plus I just really, really liked chocolate chip cookies.

  “Do I get a tour?” he asked.

  Sometimes I had trouble telling when he was sincere and when he was playing around.

  “Well there’s not much to show,” I said as I handed him a cookie. This is the kitchen,” I said, taking his hand and placing it on the counter. “Straight ahead of us is the dining area and living room. And upstairs are two bedrooms, a bathroom and an office about the size of a closet.”

  “I like it,” Chris informed me.

  “Why? It’s nothing fancy.”

  He thought for a minute. “This is your home. You seem different here…more relaxed.”

  I was surprised by his observation. It wasn’t wrong – in fact, it was very much accurate. But up until then, I hadn’t even realized that Chris could sense my uneasiness whenever we were out anywhere. It kind of felt like a knife to the heart but at the same time, I was flattered to know he paid that much attention to me.

  “Do you want another cookie?” I asked as he finished off the first.

  “I’d rather have something else.”

  “I think there are some potato chips in the cupboard,” I replied quickly, taking a step away from him. I knew by the tone of Chris’s voice that wasn’t at all what he had in mind, but I was suddenly nervous.

  “Michelle.”

  “What?”

  He took a step toward the sound of my voice and reached out for me. Feeling completely out of my element, I wrapped his arms around my waist and felt myself melt. I could feel the heat of his body against mine. I wanted him so much.

  He leaned down and kissed me.

  “How about I show you my bedroom?” I blurted out, putty in his hands.

  “Yes please.”

  Wordlessly, I took Chris’s hand and led him upstairs. He followed me without hesitation, fearless despite navigating new and unfamiliar territory for the first time. He trusted me.

  He wasn’t the only one entering new and unfamiliar territory. But could I trust him?

  It was kind of a big deal to be taking him up to my room and not just because I’d never had a boy – well, man – up there before. It was more than that. My bedroom was my sanctuary. It was the place I’d come to cry after an especially brutal day. It was my safe place, devoid of any mirrors, where I could be alone.

  I was good at being alone. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I was good at it. I’d accepted my fate just as Chris had accepted his blindness…until now.

  Now that he’d broken down my walls, I’d invited Chris into my world.

  We sat on my bed and instead of immediately pouncing on me – which probably would have scared me off – he ran his hand over the bedspread. “I can smell your perfume in here,” he commented, breathing in deeply. “It’s the vanilla stuff you always wear, that smells like cupcakes. Describe the room to me?”

  I looked around and felt like I was almost seeing it through new eyes. “Well there are a black desk and dresser against the far wall,” I told him. “There’s a bookshelf beside the bed, mostly full of dumb romance novels. The bedspread and curtains are wine colored and there posters on the walls.”

  “Boy bands?” he teased.

  I chuckled. “No, mostly indie bands most people have never heard of,” I replied.

  “Yeah, I never really took you to be the boy band type,” he nodded, his arm sliding around me.

  I leaned into him, feeling my body respond immediately to his touch. Our lips met. I wasn’t sure if he’d kissed me or I’d kissed him. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was the way he was making me feel, warm and tingly and like I was on top of the world.

  At some point I found myself lying on my back, staring up at the ceiling as Chris kissed my neck. I could feel my nipples stiffening and my breathing becoming erratic. What he was doing felt so good! I’d shut this part of myself off, resigned to the fact that the only romance I’d ever have would be vicarious and in the pages of a book.

  But now Chris had flipped the switch, reigniting all the passion and desire I’d been suppressing.

  His hand slid underneath my clothes, tracing a line across my belly until his fingers reached the edge of my bra. He wasted no time in sliding beneath the band, exploring my body in ways no one else ever had. His fingertip grazed my hardening nipple and I gasped, caught off guard by how good, how different, it felt when he touched me.

  My t-shirt was pushed right up above my breasts. My bra was the type that fastened in the front. Chris seemed to figure this out almost immediately and his fingers skillfully manipulated the clasp, opening it with little effort despite his lack of vision. He opened my bra up as though he was unwrapping a precious gift, baring my breasts to the cool air of the room.

  “Wait.”

  Even as I said the word, my body screamed at me to shut up and let Chris continue. I wanted him so bad. I craved him in every fiber of my being. I was in utterly, hopelessly in love with him and showing him how much I cared felt natural and right.

  But something was holding me back.

  “What is it?” Chris murmured, burying his face in my long hair and inhaling the fragrant scent of my shampoo appreciatively.

  “I – I’ve never done this before,” I confessed sheepishly.

  He pulled back a little, giving me some space. “Okay.” He said it like it was no big deal but I could tell he was surprised. He hesitated momentarily and then, almost as though he was afraid of the answer, asked, “Do you not want to…?”

  “Oh no, I want to,” I quickly assured him, blushing even as I said it. God, did I want to.

  “So then…?”

  Something he’d told me had been nagging away in the back of my mind. Now that we were here, it had bubbled to the surface, an insistent concern that just wouldn’t go away. I took a deep breath and then, with a fair amount of reluctance, told Chris what was eating away at me.

  Chapter 10

  “You said your nickname used to be Playboy,” I reminded Chris as I pulled my t-shirt back down to cover my heaving breasts and sensitive, erect nipples. All I wanted was for him to keep playing with me, but I couldn’t ignore my reservations any longer.

  He rolled off of me, looking angry. Whether it was with me or his own self-admittedly sordid past, I wasn’t sure. “Yeah,” he muttered. His face was unreadable. “It was.”

  It killed me to dwell on the subject. It killed me to dwell on any subject. I didn’t want to be talking. I wanted to be in Chris’s arms naked and safe and loved. I wanted to give myself to him completely, mind, body and soul. The last thing I wanted was to grill him about things I’d rather not be thinking about at
all.

  But if there’s one thing I’ve always been, it’s cautious.

  Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I take things too personally. I probably go to such lengths to protect my heart because my ego has been battered and bruised so many times over the years. No matter what the reason, I knew I couldn’t risk letting Chris hurt me. I had to ask the question that naturally followed.

  “How do I know you’re not just…?” I trailed off, unsure of which words I should use.

  Chris propped his hand up on his head. Then he winced a little and shifted around uncomfortably. I looked down and saw a bulge in his jeans but to his credit, his attention was focused on my concerns. “How do you know I’m not just going to use you and then throw you away,” he finished sadly. “That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?”

  “Yes,” I confessed quietly.

  He reached out for me and his hand bumped into my arm. He stroked my bare skin gently. “You’re so different from any girl I’ve ever met,” he said with such earnestness that I had no choice but to believe him. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else, and I’m different now, too. I’m absolutely, without a doubt in this for the long haul, Michelle. But nothing I tell you matters.”

  Blinking, I looked at him in confusion. I hadn’t been expecting that last part. “It…doesn’t?”

  “No. I’ve been one of those guys, Michelle…the smooth talkers who know exactly what to say to get a girl into bed with them. I’d never do that to you but the point is, you have no reason to believe me. And you shouldn’t.”

  I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. What was he saying? “I don’t understand.”

  Chris pulled my hand to his mouth and kissed it tenderly. I was too stunned to pull away.

  “Don’t believe a word I say,” he repeated. “Don’t trust me. Trust yourself. If you have doubts about me or if this doesn’t feel right, then it’s okay. There’s nothing I want more than you, Michelle, but only if you’re ready.”

  Wrapping my arms tentatively around his waist, I clung to him. I could feel the bulge in his pants brushing against my thigh and it sent a shiver of delight down my spine. My nipples pressed insistently against his chest and I knew he could feel how hard they were, yearning for his caress. But he made no move to touch them, instead waiting for a signal from me.

  I’d expected Chris to try to reassure me…to try to talk me into handing over my virginity like it meant nothing at all. He hadn’t. I’d expected him to take the reins and he had, but as soon as I’d put the brakes on he’d relinquished all control to me.

  I knew he wanted me, but he’d just made it clear that his desires were secondary to mine. In this moment, Chris was being completely selfless. I could tell that he was more concerned for my emotional well-being than his physical cravings. That meant the world to me, and gave me the reassurance I needed.

  As his hand lightly stroked my back, I realized my bedroom was no longer my safe place. Now, Chris was my safe place.

  Feeling aflutter with a sudden flurry of nervous energy, I took Chris’s hand and guided it back beneath my shirt until his hand cupped my breast. A slow, easy grin spread across his handsome face. “Does this mean…?”

  “Yes. Just promise you’ll be gentle, okay?”

  “Of course.”

  Sex wasn’t anything like making love to my mechanical boyfriend the vibrating toothbrush. That was robotic and expected, and I was in complete control. This was different. It was slow and sweet, unpredictable and even a bit painful at first. But what struck me the most was how it made me feel things I hadn’t known were possible, both physically and emotionally.

  Chris took his time with me, his fingers skilfully moving over my taut stomach and beneath the elastic waistband of my panties. He stroked my soft folds with patience and purpose. I could see the look of concentration on his face as he listened to the sound of my breathing to gauge my reaction.

  Lying there beneath him as he explored my body, I was a mass of emotions. When his finger slipped inside my velvety depths and I let out a gasp, he paused. “Are you okay?” Chris murmured immediately, the concern in his voice evident. I couldn’t imagine being with a more considerate lover.

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  I was barely able to breathe. I spread my legs wider and I could feel how wet I was…how wet he was making me. I arched my back and tried to stifle my sighs of pleasure as Chris continued to rub and caress my most private places. I’d never shared my body, this vessel I hated, with anyone before. While it was a terrifying prospect, the heat between my thighs and Chris’s gentle touch gave me courage.

  Of course, it didn’t hurt that he knew what he was doing. When his mouth closed around my neck and he gently nibbled at my sensitive flesh as his finger swirled around and around the erect nub of my clitoris, I nearly lost control right there.

  I cried out in longing and then immediately blushed, embarrassed by my strong reaction.

  But it seemed to only spur Chris on. “God, you’re so sexy,” he groaned as I involuntarily began to squirm beneath him. I could feel his hardness through his jeans and more than anything, I wanted it inside me. I reached down and freed his erection from his clothing.

  “Are you ready?” Chris murmured. As I looked on, he took impressive manhood in his hand and ran his palm across the shaft a couple times. I stared at the hard flesh in awe. I had no idea how he’d ever fit that thing inside me but I was eager to find out.

  “I’m ready.” I was, in fact, more than ready. I felt like I’d been born for this very moment. I felt like I’d been made especially for Chris. Maybe fate had brought us together, the deformed girl and the blind guy. It was like we just fit one another…our minds, our personalities and yes, even our bodies.

  “There’s a condom in the pocket of my jeans,” he told me.

  Without hesitation, I reached in and fished it out. I’d only ever seen them in sex education class back in the sixth grade, but putting it onto Chris’s throbbing erection was straightforward enough. I loved the way his breath caught in his throat when I touched him there, as though he wanted me so bad he could barely stand it.

  I felt the same way.

  He rolled on top of me.

  “Can you let me up please?” I asked suddenly.

  “Um, sure…” Chris did as I requested but the look of confusion on his face was evident. Maybe he thought I’d abruptly changed my mind about having sex with him. I didn’t take the time to explain. That would have delayed us further and my body was so ready for him that I thought I might scream.

  I got up, hurriedly flicked the light switch off and then rejoined him in my bed.

  “You shut the lights off?” Chris said questioningly.

  “Yes.”

  “But you know that I can’t –”

  “I know. Just humor me, okay?” Even though Chris couldn’t see me, I felt more comfortable being intimate with him in the dark. Maybe it was because with the lights off, it was easier to hide from myself.

  And then Chris was on top of me, and inside me. He pressed the tip of his manhood against the slick entrance to my quivering sex. His touch was feather light as his fingertip traced teasing circles around my swollen nub. I moaned and shifted beneath him, raising my hips in search of more stimulation.

  Bit by bit, the thick tip of his erection slid inside me. I was so consumed by pleasure that I barely noticed he was inside me until he hit my barrier. My electric toothbrush had never gone inside. This was new. This was different. It was…well, kind of alarming.

  Chris stilled. “This might hurt for a second,” he warned.

  I nodded. “It’s okay.” My voice sounded uncertain. It wasn’t Chris I was unsure about. I was just worried about how much losing my virginity would hurt – and disappointing him. After all, he was probably used to being with sexually experienced girls. I was far from it. I didn’t want to let him down.

  “What is it?” he asked, holding back.

  “It’s ju
st…what if I’m bad at it?” I asked, feeling stupid.

  “Oh Michelle…” His lips brushed my forehead and then made their way down to my mouth. His kiss was calming and reassuring, breathing confidence into me. When he pulled away, he murmured, “It’s not possible for you to kiss like that and be bad at sex.”

  My hand found his. “Okay,” I told him. “Do it.”

  He pushed his length into me in one deliberate thrust, instantly filling my tight tunnel to the hilt. It was kind of like pulling an adhesive bandage off all at once instead of prolonging the pain. I cried out as I felt my barrier give way, the tears that had been brimming behind my lashes spilling down my cheeks. Any woman who says losing her virginity was painless is either a liar or very, very lucky.

  Chris held still inside me, stroking my hair as my body adjusted to being penetrated for the very first time. His other hand, steady and unwavering, never left mine. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice tinged with regret over hurting me.

  He kissed my tears away as my body stiffened beneath him. My legs were wrapped around his waist and my hands clutched at his thick dark hair as I gasped. I’d never felt so full in my life, but once the initial discomfort faded, the sensation of being stretched wide wasn’t entirely unpleasant. The base of Chris’s shaft rubbed against my engorged button every time I inhaled and it felt amazing.

  Pretty soon the pain faded entirely and was replaced by a need so great that there are no words to describe it. Slowly, tentatively, Chris withdrew and then pushed back inside me. “Are you alright?” he asked anxiously, his fingers seeking out the swollen nub of my clitoris. When he touched me there, I could practically feel the electricity shoot through me.

  “Yes!”

  Satisfied that I was no longer in pain, Chris began to make love to me. I moaned as his thickness slid in and out of me and his fingertip danced expertly over my most sensitive part. My hips began to instinctively join him in a slow, sensuous dance.