by Audra Hart
He gently pulls her back to the sofa. “Well, the feelings should be dealt with. But if you really feel that uncomfortable this morning we can just hang out. But honestly, I think it would be a mistake. Don’t you?” Lucian asks softly.
“Yes, I know you are right. Crap! Where do you want to start?” she asks reluctantly.
“You said you dreamt last night. One, possibly two dreams, let’s start there.” He gently caresses her hands.
“I am not ready to talk about the first one,” she says as she strokes his pale, cool fingers and is again surprised by their perfection. “I am not even sure it was a dream. Maybe it was just a fantasy, I’m not sure.” She scoffs at herself a little, before saying; “But it’s not something I want to share right now, it’s too precious, too private. Is that okay with you?” Her voice is barely above a whisper and she won‘t meet his eyes.
“You know it is,” he replies earnestly. He understands better than she knows. He has to struggle to not reveal how happy her words have made him. “Just share what you can. Okay?”
She nods, “Okay. Well, the darkness was back in my dreams. But it didn’t come back until time to wake up. I was searching for my kids again, but this time I found Rolan, or rather, he materialized out of the darkness.” Deidra falls silent for few moments, and she looks almost despondent. Lucian reaches out and strokes her hair, and then draws her to him. His heart goes out to her for her loss. She rarely speaks of her deceased husband and he wonders what their relationship was like.
Deidra can’t seem to help herself, she presses her cheek into his chest. She can feel the coolness of his body through the material, smell his tantalizing scent, and barely resists the urge to nuzzle. After a few moments, she inhales deeply and starts to speak again. Her voice is very quiet; “He accused me of not really caring about him and the kids. Why would he say that?” Deidra asks in agonized confusion, but she doesn’t wait for Lucian to respond. “And then he said they were just placeholders. And I had been waiting for my real life to begin again. Oh God, Lucian. What the hell does that mean?”
“I am not sure,” he says softly.
“Part of her knows this is not the life she was meant to live, but she can’t let go of it because of her children. Perhaps that’s why she seems to have a duality in her awareness. On some level, she knows I am with her almost all of the time,” Luca muses to himself.
He gently pulls her closer to him and lightly holds her in his arms, as he hopes she doesn‘t pick up on his uneasiness. “Remember love, it’s just a dream. Rolan wasn’t really there accusing you of anything.” Luca is very confused by this because he knows she wasn’t actually asleep. Her heart beat and respirations made that clear to him. This had been a vision or something, but not a dream… And he wonders what the vision means, and its source.
The silence stretches out over the minutes. The tears flow softly down her cheeks as Lucian places a silent kiss on top of her head, and soothes her taut shoulders with his left hand. “Did you find the kids this time?” Lucian asks quietly after several minutes of silence between them. Searching for her children is a common theme of her dreams so this is a reasonable question.
Deidra starts to move away from his strong arms that are stirring feelings in her that she really should not be feeling. He smiles at her nervousness around him and says, “Come here Dee, stop running away. Talk to me!” He draws her onto his lap.
She inhales deeply of his scent and feels lightheaded. She uses both hands to roughly rake her hair back from her face, and then exhales slowly. “No, they are gone from me forever. I don’t deserve them, I never did and they know that. I think they are staying away.”
“It was just a dream, remember?” Lucian places his cool fingers under her chin and tilts her face up toward his own.
Deidra’s eyes lock on his lips, and she gulps and nods. The desire to kiss him nearly overwhelms her and leaves her feeling insecure, aroused and confused as hell. She stiffens and tries to move off his lap.
“No baby, don’t pull away from me. Why do you always do that?” he asks quietly in frustration.
His use of that endearment makes everything south of her waist clench and she refuses to look at him for a moment. “I don’t know,” she lies. Her need for him makes her feel vulnerable and ashamed. This causes her to feel angry with herself and desperate to get away.
She gathers her courage and looks into his beautiful luminescent blue eyes; “It’s just that I don’t want to need... I don’t deserve... Hell! Let go of me!” she grinds out between clenched teeth. “I am acting like an idiot.”
“No, you aren’t.” He firmly holds her cradled in his arms as she tries to push away. “Do you really want me to let go of you? I don‘t think so,” he says gently.
“I know. I just feel like I should,” she whispers. She closes her eyes and sits there silently for a few minutes letting him hold her, taking comfort from him. And then she speaks very quietly, “I am so damn close to crossing a line and making a huge mistake with you, Lucian.”
She tries again to move away. When he won’t release her she suddenly stops trying to get away, and moves her hands up to encircle his neck and peers into his eyes. “I’m gonna do a big piece of stupid if I don’t get up right now!”
Lucian’s laugh is low and throaty as he bends down to nuzzle her neck with his chilly lips. “Oh really, baby?” he taunts gently. “A big piece of stupid, huh?”
“The biggest,” she sighs.
His lips on her neck ignite a fire deep in her core, awakening urges she been suppressing for months, no years. She tugs his face from her neck, looks him squarely in his beautiful blue eyes, “Yeah, probably the biggest, stupidest ever, I think,” she murmurs as she places her hands on either side of his face, and looks into those beautiful, otherworldly eyes. And then she kisses him before she has a chance to think any more about what she’s doing.
At first she simply brushes her lips across his. The kiss quickly becomes tender and lingering. His arms tighten their hold on her body. His perfect hard lips are gentle, yet just as urgent as her own. She wonders at the coolness of them and at the intense heat that she feels on her skin at their contact. She stifles a very school girl like giggle because the whiskers do indeed tickle, slightly.
She marvels at the joy the sensations of kissing him evoke in her. A blissful sigh escapes her lips because she feels like she has returned home, as though she has kissed this beautiful man thousands of times before. “How odd,” she muses silently as her lips travel down to his chin, to his throat, and collarbone, before trailing back to his lips slowly.
She slips her hands from his face to the back of his head and winds her fingers in his thick, soft hair. She sighs because it is even softer than she had imagined. Slowly, she edges her fingers down from his hair to the back of his neck to stroke the cold, perfect contours beneath the collar of his shirt. This causes him to open his mouth slightly and exhale into her greedy mouth.
She breathes in his scent, and feels truly intoxicated. Her breath is coming in ragged gasps. The heat is rising rapidly in her body. Her need for him is growing at a startling rate as she gently bites his bottom lip before kissing it sweetly. She savors his taste, the firmness of his flesh, even the surprising coolness of his skin. She savors everything about Lucian Michaels.
She rises up slightly and somehow straddles his lap, despite her wrecked leg and hip. He puts his hands on her hips, kneading her supple, yielding flesh gently through the thin cotton pajama pants as he moans her name. This new, more intimate contact causes yet another fire to flare intensely in her body. She knows that she is breathing hard but she isn’t embarrassed about it because this beautiful, perfect man is similarly affected.
His arousal is obvious when he pulls her body to his as she straddles his lap and deepens the kiss. She sighs happily to know that he too is excited by their intimate contact. She lets herself think that maybe this isn’t a mistake. She trails her fingers around his throat, and eagerly f
umbles to quickly undo the buttons of his shirt with her trembling hands. Once his shirt is open, she quickly slides her hands up his chest and pushes the shirt back off of his shoulders. “You are beautifully made, Luca,” she whispers huskily into his eager lips.
His cool, pale hands move from her hips up her back, gently, slowly leaving a red hot trail in their wake deep within her body. His left hand finds the back of her neck, and his right hand nestles in the small of her back, gently pushing her body into his own bared chest.
The coolness through the thin cotton jersey material of her old tee shirt is exhilarating in an indescribable way. She knows he must be able to feel her hard nipples through her shirt and bra. The thought makes her feel even bolder and she nuzzles into his neck and savors his closeness as he caresses her back lovingly as he quietly and unintelligibly murmurs into her hair.
She pulls back slightly to meet his eyes. The raw desire and loving acceptance she sees in them emboldens her hands as his lips find hers this time. Her greedy fingers slowly run up his sternum as her hot, her eager mouth trails down his throat and onto his chest. Her seeking fingers splay outwards to trace his collar bones, and then painstakingly work their way down over his hard pectorals, and his ribcage, causing him to breathe even harder. She pulls back a little to marvel at his beauty, and then she eagerly returns her lips to his. He clasps her face between his hands and returns the kiss with an eagerness that matches her own. His responding moan bolsters her even further.
Her fingers splay wildly across the ridges of his rock hard, icy abdomen; slowly she works downward until her fingers catch on the snap at the waistband of his jeans. She pops the snap and fumbles for the tab of the zipper. His sharp intake of breath is followed by perceptible stiffening of his body. He drags his lips away from hers. She hungrily tries to follow.
“Morna, no!” he rasps hoarsely.
Deidra freezes. Embarrassment and rejection consume her, turning her blood ice cold and her body rigid. Her breathing is ragged and painful as shame and humiliation cause her chest to constrict agonizingly. Deidra clumsily scoots off his lap to the far end of the couch. She draws her legs up before her, and wraps her arms around them.
She can feel a slight tremor radiate from him. She finds this reassuring to know he was not unaffected. She steals a quick glance at him, but he’s not looking her way. Then an errant thought occurs to her, “What if he is just disgusted with me for coming on to him like that?”
Another wave of embarrassment heats her face, and hot tears of shame sting her eyes. She stares at the floor, blinking rapidly to keep the tears from falling, and refusing to look his way again until she can compose herself a bit. As the seconds tick by she begins to feel a slight measure of control over her body and seeks an escape route. She puts her legs down and scoots forward in the seat as she looks over her left shoulder at the door while she tries to remember where she put her purse and cane.
“Don’t go!” he says quietly, urgently. His voice sounds raspy and pained. He reaches over and scoops her up into his arms and plants her gently on his lap. “You just surprised me, baby. I haven’t been … I wasn’t expecting you to… You just surprised me, okay? I just wasn’t prepared for that today.” He strokes her face gently and tries to get her to look at him. The shame she feels make her rigid and defiant and she won’t look at him, so he quickly positions her straddling his lap again. She is reassured that he wasn’t just disgusted by her because she can still feel the obvious evidence of his attraction to her. She softens her demeanor a little and meets his eyes before speaking.
“Fine, I don’t blame you. I guess I understand.” She says quietly before she notices that he has buttoned his shirt. Shame makes her face hot and red all over again. “Why would you be prepared for an assault like that?”
She rubs her face and says, “I am so sorry, Lucian. You invited me over here as a friend, and I jump your bones like some... Oh hells bells! I bet you didn’t expect to be mauled by a menopausal old broad today, did you?” She laughs uncomfortably as she twists the hem of her oversized tee shirt around her nervous fingers.
“Menopausal? Really? How…? ” he asks, looking confused.
“Yeah. I am forty-nine, remember?” She groans in renewed embarrassment and tries to get up.
“No Morna, please stay put,” he insists gently.
“Why do you call me ’beloved’? Or is that someone else’s name?” she asks shyly, as she looks away and then resolutely meets his eyes again.
“I called you Morna because you are beloved, by me. How did you know what the name means?” he asks as he caresses her left cheek lovingly.
“I am not sure, I guess I heard it somewhere, but I was certain that is what the name means. It’s Gaelic, right?” When Lucian nods she continues, “I had two other girl names I favored for my daughter Nora, Lucy or Morna. Rolan hated both names with a fiery passion.” She giggles at this. “And he went totally ballistic over the boy’s name I wanted.” Deidra runs the fingers of both hands roughly through her hair, front to back to stave off the darkness talking about her family always evokes, and then she exhales roughly.
“May I ask what your choice for a boy’s name would have been?” Lucian asks softly.
“I have always wanted to name my sons Luke. But Rolan would have a fit every time I even suggested it. He would have been in for a rude awakening though if Nora had been a boy. I would have named the child Luke, and to hell with his opinion.”
Lucian kisses her forehead to hide his smile and then says, “I am glad you named her Nora, it‘s a beautiful name,” he admits. “But Morna only suits you, baby, it always has.”
“Why do you say things like that?” She asks, feeling perplexed. “Do you realize that sometimes you speak as though we have known each other for our whole lives? I find it very confusing.”
When he neatly avoids her gaze, and doesn’t answer her, she sighs and asks, “Can I get up now?”
Lucian meets her eyes smiling playfully as he says, “Yes you can, for a price.” When she doesn’t argue, he continues, “Tell me why you always say you don’t deserve your kids, or happiness or any other good thing in life. What the hell is that all about?” he demands gently.
She is quiet for a long time. She seems to be staring at his lips, but Lucian suspects she is seeing another time and place in her memory. After several minutes Lucian starts to think she is going to call his bluff, when very, very softly she says, “Because on the way home from Aiden’s funeral, right before the crash, I selfishly wished that I would die so I didn’t have to live with the pain of losing my precious baby boy. And then that semi crashes into us, killing everyone in the car, except me!” She confesses brokenly. “I had wished death on myself, but it found Kyle, Nora and Rolan instead.…” She exhales raggedly, “That’s a hard thing to live with Lucian. You have no idea.” She sobs brokenly onto his chest. Lucian does his best to comfort her. He pulls her closer to him and rubs her shoulders gently, and whispers soft, reassuring words to her.
Reconnecting
After a long, long while her tears finally stop. Lucian loosens his hold on her because she is struggling to get off of his lap. As she rises to her feet, she mumbles, “Thank you, and again, I want to tell you how sorry I am that I made such a fool out of myself this morning. I just don’t know what got into me.” She looks away in discomfort. She’s very uncomfortable with the way she has behaved around him today.
Lucian pats the cushion beside him and looks squarely into her eyes, “Please sit down Morna. You didn’t make a fool out of yourself. Our attraction is most definitely mutual. I do want to make love with you, desperately, in fact. I yearn for you, baby. Can’t you see that?”
Morna shakes her head, and whispers; “No. It doesn’t make sense. I’m much older than you and I’m this massive, hulking, mangled, blob of a woman, you well….”
Lucian looks at her with longing clearly showing in his expression as he whispers; “Baby, that’s just not true. You just do
n‘t see yourself clearly.” He sighs and mutters too quietly for her to hear, “You never have.”
It’s obvious that she’s not ready to accept the truth of his words so he says; “I just do not want to do that before… things are right. Before you are ready. You have lot of baggage to deal with, my love.”
Morna holds his gaze for long time and seems to recognize the sincerity in his because she nods and sits on the sofa beside him. “Amen to baggage. But I didn’t realize being a cougar was part of that baggage,” she scoffs at herself.
“Morna, you are really bothered by the difference in our ages aren’t you?” When she nods, he asks, “Why? It‘s only ten short years. Ten years are nothing, believe me.”
“Well think about it,” she mumbles. “Didn’t it floor you when I told you I am menopausal?”
“I was a little surprised, but not ‘floored.’ What difference does it make anyway? I just thought women usually reach menopause later than age forty-nine.”
“Well, my case is a little different. My uterus ruptured when Nora was born.” Deidra takes a deep breath and rubs her face roughly to push back the darkness, and misses the flash of pain on his face. “The ovaries were already a mess from years of endometriosis, so they took it all out when they did emergency surgery to save my baby.”
Lucian slides an arm around her shoulder and gives her a little squeeze. “I am so sorry you had to endure all that. Has it been hard, the physical adjustments I mean? The loss of your female hormones at forty-three must have been tough.”
“I saw it as a fair trade, the fates got my female parts and I got my little Nora. But yeah, physically it was tough. I considered hormone replacement, but decided to ride it out instead. But now, biologically speaking, I guess I am closer to being post-menopausal, actually. God, this is so embarrassing telling you this stuff,” Morna admits quietly.
She covers her face and shakes her head. Yeah, this is so sexy Dee! Keep telling him that you are post-menopausal. That will get him in the sack with you in no time at all. Jeez, you are such a loser!