by Karen Lynn
“Looks like we need to talk, Kristen. Now!”
She expected the vacant stare, but the pain in his eyes, took her by surprise. Without hesitation, she called for the nurse, telling her she'd be back in a while. “Can I kiss him?” she whispered, her voice choking.
“Of course, honey. Just not on the lips yet, okay?” The nurse smiled that all-knowing smile that came with years of working with mothers and newborns.
As they walked in silence back to the room, Alicia bounced into view. Logan's sulking face killed her happiness.
“Get rid of her,” he grumbled.
Kristen glared at him, but it had to be done. She motioned to Alicia to leave for a few minutes, hoping she got the hint. Logan slammed the door behind them.
“This isn't the house, Logan.” Her nerves were on edge. A confrontation was imminent, but having it blown out of proportion, causing a major commotion, would be devastating.
“I don't give a fuck, Kristen! Don't try to tell me that baby is mine! Brown eyes, brown hair! He has fucking Jake written all over him! Give me a fucking break!”
She remained frozen in place, unclear if she should fear or pity him. He picked up his frantic pace back and forth, coming to an abrupt halt right in front of her. Before she could breathe in, he backed her into the wall.
Suffocating fear took over. The recollection of that horrible night in Bay Ridge, the slap, rage, humiliation—it all crashed down on her. She swore never to let that happen again, public place or not. Her body tensed, but she had no space to escape.
“And he's brown too! Well, what now, Kristen?”
“I don't know, Logan!” Her voice rose involuntarily. They both peered at the door, expecting a nurse to barge in. She had to avoid it at all costs. “You knew it could happen.” What am I going to do? Violent shivers rocked her body, she struggled to hold back the sobs threatening to explode.
When his mouth dropped open, the low moan that came out rattled her. He slumped against the wall, his back to her, clutching his head.
On impulse, her fingers laced his arm, the anger melting. “Logan…I'm sorry…”
He roughly lurched out of reach, burying his face and muffled sobs in his hands.
How long had it been since she witnessed him break down like this? What could she do to console him or soften the torment in her own heart? This same exact scene played out in her mind many times over the past few weeks, but she never expected the pain to be so extreme. She collapsed onto the bed, hiding her face under the pillow. Wishing it was all just a bad dream.
A short time later, he pulled himself together and listlessly turned to face her, wiping his face with the back of his hands. “I'm gonna leave now. You can call me when you're ready to go home.”
The storm had passed. The coldness in his eyes rivalled the dullness in his voice. She was safe. For now.
“Do you still want me to stay there?” She got up, breathless from the tightness in her chest.
He gazed into her face, saw the anguish, but it didn’t affect him.
“Just... call me when you're ready.”
She moved towards him. She needed to touch him, to hold him. Even if it was the last time. “Logan, I never meant to hurt anyone...”
“Anyone? I don't care about anyone, Kristen! I care about how you hurt me! I'm the loser here! What the fuck am I supposed to do, raise his fucking kid? Are you crazy?” He glared at her, the urge to destroy, to rip her and that baby to pieces, tearing him apart.
The blare of the intercom snapped him back.
I have to get far away fast.
Needing to block everything out, he crammed his eyes shut. They were gritty and dry when he reopened them, but at least the trembling stopped. “I can't talk about this anymore.”
Right before he stormed out, he glimpsed her hands reaching out for him.
“Logan, please don't do anything stupid!” she called after him, disregarding nurses scurrying back and forth. He didn't stop or answer.
She stood in the doorway, in shock. Alicia rushed over. After one look at her grim, pale face, she threw her arms around her.
“He knows?”
“Yes.” Kristen whispered, glancing out the door.
“What's he going to do now?”
Kristen lifted her head from Alicia’s shoulder, searching her face. “I don't know. He said to call when I'm ready to leave.” Closing her eyes, “Alicia, it hurt so much. I never thought it would be so hard.” Just when she thought her tears had run dry, there they were again.
“I know, baby. But unfortunately there can only be one winner this time. When are you going to tell Jake?” Alicia’s eyes twinkled. She lowered them to mask the happiness and relief.
Another question that Kristen couldn’t concern herself with yet. He waited this long, a little longer wouldn't hurt him. “I need to go back to see Alex. Come with me?”
Alicia gently brushed a lock of hair from Kristen’s face. “Let's go, but promise me you will call him today.”
Kristen cast her eyes down at the floor, lost in reflection. Without responding, she headed down the hall with Alicia on her heels.
JAKE
It took a lot of getting used to, being unemployed. He told himself to paint more, yet couldn't get into it. The more free time he had, the more the dark thoughts consumed him. For a while, he'd managed to remove Ray from his head. He even convinced himself it was useless to dwell on something he couldn't change. With the trip to Miami imminent, and the security of Kristen’s address saved in his phone, hate ravaged him once again. It wasn't healthy—he knew it—but couldn't control it.
Franky called him. Henry was happy with his work. They needed to arrange the trip as soon as possible. Jake was thrilled yet apprehensive. He wanted to coincide the trip with the baby’s birth. This way he could determine his future with Kristen, if there was one. He had to prepare for the trip, get his finances in order, arrange a sublease for the apartment. There was no telling how long he'd be gone.
The days drifted by, it became difficult to keep track. The hours blended into each other. He longed to recede into the shadows to soothe his mind, but the solace of nightfall was a long way off. Unable to sit still any longer, he fled the apartment, seeking a release. Trotting down Second Avenue, he came across the bar he'd seen Marty in last time. His eyes shot to the outdoor tables. They were filled with customers. She wasn't one of them. Weeks had passed since he'd spoken to her anyway. She probably hated his guts.
The sudden desire to have an intimate conversation, to be close to someone, to feel like a human being, became an obsession. Picking up some stranger wasn't his thing. It inevitably made everything worse in the end. But he couldn’t handle another night alone. He took a deep breath.
“Hey, it's Jake.”
“This is a surprise!” Marty sounded thrilled.
“Yeah, hey, I was wondering if you wanted to meet me for a beer or something…” He hesitated, unsure why he was really doing whatever it was he was doing.
“Where are you?”
Jake stood still, his confidence rising. “Remember the cafe you were at last time, on Second?”
“Yeah, are you sure? I'm actually on 14th Street right now, shopping.”
The energy in her voice invigorated him. “Yeah. I'm sure.”
* * *
This time, he didn't prolong it, allow himself the chance to doubt, over-analyze, and change his mind. After a couple of beers, they were back in his apartment. She looked good—he needed a distraction, someone to take him away for a while.
“Sorry for the mess. Maid's day off.” He grinned. She stood waiting for him to make a move. Or did she regret her decision? It was hard to read her. Moving closer with caution, he gestured towards the couch. “Make yourself comfortable. Want a beer?” He darted over, grabbed a large pile of clothes and flung them in the general direction of the bedroom, hopeful she wouldn’t notice.
She smiled, sitting down. “Sure.”
His eyes tr
avelled along her body as she settled back on the couch. Something was missing, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Maybe dimming the lights and some music. He took care of it, rushed to the kitchen, returned with beer and eased down next to her.
“How've you been?”
“Good. Working, the usual stuff. I haven't been out much.”
She stared at him without blinking, her eyes filled with questions.
He wasn’t sure how to answer those questions, or if he even could. Putting down his beer, he took her in his arms. She moaned, clutching him to her as his lips found hers. He pulled her down on top of him, his kisses grew deeper, more fervent. Their passion blossomed, but something kept him from carrying her to the bed.
The voices raged on.
Temporary diversion, the couch will do. Don’t make it personal.
Like usual, he refused to snuff them out.
LOGAN
It surprised Logan that he had no desire to go out. Ever since he'd found out the baby wasn’t his, he had been holed up in the apartment. The previous night had become a fuzzy memory, like so many nights in the past. Only this time, when he drowned himself in booze and weed, he was alone at home. This time, it was different, an intense feeling of despair and helplessness that he hadn't experienced in ages.
His thoughts drifted to the first time he'd made love to Kristen. It seemed so long ago. When she got pregnant that time there was no doubt it was mine. I knew she was mine. There was no room for a baby. We had our own wounds to heal. And now it’s happening again.
Already 6 p.m. He never un-muted his phone, her calling never even entered his mind.
Is today when she is supposed to be released from the hospital? Why can’t I remember? What the hell?
He checked his phone, discovered she'd called around noon. Pushing his hair out of his face, he lifted himself up from the bed. The message played in his ear, her voice low and speculative. Was he coming to get her? Where should she go?
He shook his head. He had to think clearly, but couldn’t. Not with his mind so twisted.
“Are you still in the hospital?”
She stayed quiet. The intercom in the background provided the answer. “Do you want me to get you?”
“I was planning to stay here with the baby. I didn't know—”
“—Do you want to come home or not? You can go back tomorrow, can't you?” It was surreal and he felt dead.
“Yes, I, if you want me to, okay. When?”
“I have to get dressed. Just wait for me. Soon.” He ended the call, wondering what he was doing. Maybe they would talk, maybe a miracle would occur. Maybe that baby was just an illusion.
* * *
Alex was cradled in Kristen’s arms, nestled under the cozy blanket. Once again she fell victim to the baby’s magical spell, losing track of time. She never heard Logan, but there he was, standing in front of her. The first thing that caught her eye was his disheveled appearance, the second, the hollowness in his eyes. With hesitation she placed one hand briefly on his, then returned it to the back of Alex's delicate head. Startled by her touch, Logan stiffened, becoming more withdrawn than usual.
Once she returned Alex to the incubator, his soft cries twisted her up inside, preventing her from breaking away. She spoke softly to him until he settled down, then turned to Logan. Her eyes brimmed with tears. She hated leaving Alex, but hard decisions had to be made. If the baby truly was Jake’s she had to end it with Logan as soon as possible, without remorse or thinking twice. Then, why was it so difficult?
“You guys have a great night! See you tomorrow?”
Kristen nodded to the nurse, giving Logan a halfhearted glance. His eyes were focused ahead, his gait purposeful. He wanted out.
“Did you wanna stop and eat?”
“Eventually Alex will be released, Logan. I’ll have to pick him up.” She couldn't say what was really in her heart, the tears were too threatening. Her gaze held his, pleading.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Let's go somewhere for food.” He couldn't handle the issue, not yet. Possibly after a few glasses of wine.
In a daze, she followed him. The pain killers had eased the discomfort in her stomach, but in the back of her mind, she knew she had to be careful. Since she wasn't breast feeding, one glass of wine could provide the necessary additional mental and physical relief.
How could it hurt? Jake wouldn’t be there for a week or so. She needed to build up the courage to end it with Logan. And getting a buzz would make it that much easier to carry out her firm, final decision. After that the only problem would be sticking to it.
* * *
By the time she finished her first glass of wine her head danced. “I don't think I'm supposed to be drinking. I just remembered I've been taking these pain killers,” she giggled.
Logan, already flying from his third glass, looked at her without fully comprehending or caring to. “Does that mean you shouldn't have any more?”
She didn’t answer.
Holding his head steady, he took in her glazed, heavy lidded eyes. “Are you okay?”
“I guess, I am trying to remember, I think there's a bunch of stuff I can't do for a while.”
“Don't tell me sex is one of them?” He covered her hand with his, starting to forget how upset he was.
Her expression answered his question.
How could I have forgotten the discharge instructions? They are still buried in my bag, aren’t they? I better review them before it’s too late!
Impossible—her body throbbed from wine-induced sexual tension.
Logan let out a disappointed sigh, his eyes lifted to hers. Unwilling to control himself any longer, he gripped her face, kissing her with feverish passion. He didn't want it to end. With great reluctance, she broke the kiss, gasping for breath.
An hour later she disappeared into the restroom. He stood waiting for her when she exited.
“Are you sure you can't?” His hands fastened around her waist, holding her body so tight, her tremors sent shivers through his spine. When was the last time he held her so close, actually felt her body blending with his? It seemed like ages ago.
Her eyes smoldered, her skin tingled, the combination of liquor, meds and lust, taking over. “Yes, we can’t—”
The words were smothered by the intensity of his lips on hers.
JAKE
They lay on the couch, still wrapped in each other’s arms. Out of the blue Marty jumped up, mumbled something about having to go home, tomorrow being a work day. Didn’t he remember her telling him earlier? The sad truth was, he hardly remembered bringing her home with him, let alone anything she had said. As she hurried to dress, he watched through the corner of his eyes, his body mildly relaxed, but his mind not quite as healed as he wished. And the inevitable emptiness still existed.
“I'll walk you to your car.” His voice was soft but lifeless. A tiny smiled flickered across her face, but her eyes were clouded. The fire he'd desired hadn't ignited, she could probably sense it.
“Have you spoken to Kristen?” Marty asked when they reached her car.
It took him by surprise, the mention of her name made him shudder.
“Yeah,” he murmured, avoiding her gaze.
“Oh.”
He recognized the anguish in her eyes.
I need to try lying occasionally. It would make things easier.
After she opened the car door, he took her arms. “Thank you for tonight. I'll call you.” He stroked her hair, but his blank expression revealed the truth.
“Right.” She tried to smile, failed and kissed his cheek. “This probably was a big mistake, you know that, right?”
“Maybe, I’m leaving to Miami for business next week—”
“—Really, that's a coincidence, isn't it?”
“No, not really.” After a pause, “Marty, I have to be honest with you. If the baby is mine, there's a good chance we’ll get back together.”
Marty flinched. He touched her face. I
t was a gentle gesture meant to ease her distress. “If not, then I guess I'll be back... and, maybe we can make it work?”
She shook her head. “You know that won't happen, Jake. You're hooked, so go take care of your business, okay?”
When she turned to leave he stopped her. “I'm sorry. Friends then?”
Trying to smile once again, she whispered, “Forever. Too bad she doesn't realize how lucky she is to have you.”
Her words were unexpected. For a second he thought he saw tears in her eyes, until she shielded her face from his view.
He stood in silent contemplation watching her drive away.
FRIDAY
LOGAN/KRISTEN
Her head did flip flops, the combination of too much liquor, pills, fatigue and Logan all having an hallucinatory effect on her. Once again he had lost control, failing to keep his promise. And worst of all, she had given in to her own burning desires. Why did her flesh always win every battle with her mind, when it concerned Logan? The one consolation that somehow she prevented him from entering her, even in her intoxicated state, wasn’t enough to ease her fear and guilt. It was only a few days since the procedure and even though the post-op information was fuzzy, she did recall there could be some bleeding. She told herself the cramping was normal, the rigorous sexual activity hadn’t provoked it and there wasn’t any harm done to her body.
He was still asleep when she woke up.
How can someone who looks so gentle be so vicious? It never ceased to amaze her every time she looked down at his peaceful baby face.
It was 11:00 a.m., time for the baby's feeding. But she was still so dazed and dizzy, it would be a risk to drive. She attempted to wake him, shaking lightly at first, then increasing the ferocity. Nothing happened. He was still sound asleep. Without a solution, she called Alicia.
“Can you take me to see the baby?”
“Are you with Logan?”
Why did that question have to come up? It was embarrassing enough living with her weakness, even worse saying it out loud. “Yes. I can't wake him.”