by Karen Lynn
“Can I touch him?” Kristen lifted her sullen eyes to the nurse on duty.
“Of course,” the nurse smiled, her eyes soft. “Stick your hand through there.”
In a magical moment, Kristen's expression instantly brightened. She grabbed Alicia’s arm.
“Go ahead,” Alicia urged giving her a tender smile.
Logan took the opportunity to sneak away, hopeful she wouldn't insist he do it also. It didn’t shock him that she seemed unaware of his presence—not with Alicia lurking about. He squirmed, watching as she hesitantly stuck her hand through an opening in the side of the incubator to stroke the baby’s palm.
Her face lit up more and more with each excited giggle. “Oh my God, Alicia! Did you see that? He reached for my finger!”
Alicia’s eyes misted. Not wanting to alarm Kristen, she pressed her face to the incubator. “He does look really strong.”
“I know! And he stopped crying! You know your mommy, don't you Alex?” Kristen cooed, her eyes overflowing with love. Alicia laughed along with her.
Logan cringed, ravaged by an unbearable desire to smash his fist into the Alicia’s head and get the hell out of there. It’s not bad enough the baby is defective, but now I have this bitch taking advantage of my wife's weakness.
After a torturous amount of time for Logan, Kristen grew tired.
“Can I come back later?”
“Of course. We may even be able to bring one of those cots over for you.” The nurse answered, smiling at Kristen.
“Really? Can I sleep here too?” Kristen’s elation was contagious to everyone in the room except Logan, who frowned.
“Logan, don't you want to touch him?
“Not really,” he said under his breath, shrinking back.
Kristen gaped at him, her eyes saddened. Too distraught to speak, she turned to Alicia, seeking solace. The burning contempt in Alicia’s eyes, startled her. Disillusioned, Kristen turned her undivided attention back to her baby.
When they returned to the room, Kristen fell on the bed, quiet.
“What about your phone and stuff, Krissy?” Logan persisted, pushing past Alicia to get next to her.
“Oh yeah! Alicia, I can take it back now.”
Alicia nodded. Kristen took her time, carefully going through her wallet. Her eyes dulled as she handed the money and bank cards to Logan, then her fingers tightened around the phone. She gazed into his expectant eyes, released her fingers and dropped the phone back into her bag.
Screw you Logan. You are not getting it.
A tiny smile flickered across her lips. Satisfied with her decision, she placed the bag on the night table next to the bed. “You don't have to stay over tonight. I know it’s real uncomfortable.”
I wonder if Alicia is. The shock in his eyes disappeared, replaced by a strange sense of relief. “Whatever. I really need some sleep anyway. I'll come back in the morning.” The hell with her phone for now. I just want out. He prepared to make his break.
Kristen lowered her face, eager to hide the dismay in her eyes.
“I'll call you later.” When she still didn’t look at him, he squeezed in next to her, placed his hands on her cheeks and kissed her.
Go away Logan, please. Just leave me alone.
Like magic, she got her wish.
* * *
Plagued by mental and physical exhaustion, Kristen sank in and out of consciousness. When she finally managed to stay awake, she couldn’t stop crying or worrying. When am I going to be able to hold my tiny baby, or take him home? Where is my home?
The more she fretted, the worse she felt. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. And Logan’s cold, inhuman behavior made it even harder to endure.
“He didn't even ask when I'm getting out. He didn't even pretend he cared about the baby.”
“I know, sweetie. Forget about him, at least for now, okay? Worry about Alex and yourself. You need to be strong for both of you.” Alicia stroked Kristen’s hair. “When will you be released? I can get you.”
“In two days, I think. If my fever is gone and I eat this shit they call food.” She wrinkled her nose. “I may sleep with him tonight!”
“What? Another man already?” Alicia laughed, not waiting for her reaction. “Are you calling Jake? I noticed he called you a bunch of times.”
“Really? I didn't check. I will. But I haven't even checked Alex out yet. We don't even know what his hair color is. He was so red, it was hard to tell how dark his skin was. I want to tell him something positive.
“Well he didn't look as ghost-like as Logan, that's for sure. Let's check then. Ask the nurse when we go back later.”
“Did you see how strong he is? He has to be Jake's!” Kristen’s eyes glistened, her face flushed. She needed to convince herself that the baby was healthy and not as weak and frail as he actually was.
“I hope so too, Kristen.” Alicia’s eyes darkened as she studied her. “Logan doesn't care. He's one of the most selfish men I've ever met. And believe me, I’ve met plenty.”
A troubled look took over Kristen’s face. Desperate for positive energy, she tuned Alicia’s negativity out. “I have to fill out a birth record! I don't want to put Logan as the father if he's not. It could cause problems later for Jake.”
“Oh shit! I never thought about that. Ask the doctor or whoever does it. Maybe you can leave the father stuff blank?”
Kristen nodded, too disoriented for over analyzing. “What should I do about Jake? He said he’s really worried because I haven’t contacted him in two days.”
“Text him back then. I just hope he's better to you than Logan.” She paused. “Did you ever think about going without a man in your life?”
Blinking her eyes, she focused on Alicia. It was hard to tell where she was coming from. “No, not really. I never was. You know, when I left home it was with Logan. And now the baby will be number one. I just have to figure out which one will be number two.” Shrugging, she attempted a laugh, holding back from the pain it induced.
“Well you better do it fast. Tell him the truth.”
“The truth? But then he might freak out and fly down. Then what?”
Alicia couldn't respond.
“I'll make up something, just so he knows I'm okay,” Kristen decided, texting back. “I can't deal with the stress right now. I need to see my baby.” She put the phone away, grunting as she lifted herself from the bed.
Alicia rushed to help her. “Don't you need a wheelchair? You just got cut open, remember?”
“Don't remind me. I have a giant scar!” She wondered how Logan would react to this imperfection. A sudden, unbearable darkness overcame her.
“If that turns him off, he's crazy.” Alicia’s face grew serious.
“I'm not sure about Logan...”
Alicia rolled her eyes. “Oh him! Then dump his sorry ass already, Kristen. And this time don't go back. He's not worth it.”
Kristen gave her words brief consideration before changing the subject. “Let's just walk slow. My baby boy is waiting!”
JAKE
Finally, he managed to get ahold of Ruby. At first she was opposed to disclosing Kristen's address, but then gave it up. Now that he had it, he had no idea what he was going do with it. Ruby hadn't spoken much, but he could feel her uneasiness about Kristen's relationship with Logan coming right through the phone. Not hearing from Kristen made his apprehension even greater. As he emailed prints of his work to Franky's friend in Miami, the text alert came in from Kristen. His pulse rate intensified.
It took her long enough! At least she claims to be safe, she misplaced her phone.
Sighing from a mixture of frustration and relief, he returned to the email, but the urge to speak to her was maddening. When the phone rang, he jumped on it.
“Jake, it's me.” Kristen sounded unusually happy. “I just needed to talk to you a minute.”
He couldn't stop smiling. “That's good, you okay?” Her deep sigh troubled him. “Kristen?”
; “Oh, sorry, I'm fine, just hanging out with Alicia.”
He pictured her glowing face, happy she had someone other than Logan to keep her company. “That's cool, baby. I'm glad you found a good friend. How's the baby doing?” He was counting down the days, anxious to see her again.
For a second she was thrown off. He couldn’t possibly know.
“He's fine. Still kicking up a storm. He’s a fighter like his daddy.”
Jake flinched. “What? How do you know that?” He straightened up, struggling to interpret her words.
Am I reading her wrong? It hasn’t happened yet, has it? His mind raced.
She was silent for a minute, then began a nervous ramble. “I can just tell, I have a good feeling it's yours Jake, that's all…”
Her words faded into his subconscious.
She’s hiding something. I can feel it. Maybe I should hurry up and set up the Miami deal. “I hope you're right, Kris. Just let me know if anything happens sooner, okay?” All of her lies festered in his mind, like an open wound about to burst.
“Of course I will.”
“Promise me!”
“I promise Jake. I have to go.”
It was open-ended. He sensed she wanted to tell him something else. She loved him?
“I miss you...” It was hard, but he bit back the words he longed to say. He couldn't show more vulnerability. Not yet.
“I miss you too.”
The call ended, leaving him motionless, holding onto the words that played over and over in his head. He sat relishing every syllable, tasted her lips, lost himself in the vibrancy in her eyes. When he snapped out of it, he texted Franky. He was ready to make the move, to break out of the shadows.
LOGAN/KRISTEN
The sunlight flooded in invading his space as he inched out of a deep sleep. He stretched his hand out for his cellphone. 11:30 a.m. Stunned he'd slept almost thirteen hours, he rolled out of bed, shook the hair out of his face and checked his reflection in the mirror. No more dark circles. Cool, good as new. What should I do about her? I have to find out who's baby it is and devise a plan. Hopefully her new best friend, that bitch determined to take my place, isn’t there.
He double checked his phone. Kristen hadn't called or texted. Not once. A crushing pain seared his chest. Jealousy? Rage? It was hard to tell. He never could figure out his own emotions. But one thing for sure, Alicia pushed his buttons. Hard. It would be stupid to drive over there for nothing. He dialed Kristen’s number.
It took forever for her to answer. By that time, he was lost in contemplation.
“Logan, why aren't you saying anything?”
If he was there with her he would've known how to react, but instead he found himself clueless. “You didn't call me. Why?” He sank onto the chair, a sudden debilitation stifling him.
“I didn't think you wanted me to.”
“What?” He frowned. Why does she always play these head games with me? “Is she with you?” He took a deep breath, exhaling with a loud, sharp sound.
“Alicia?”
As if she doesn’t know. He grimaced. “Yes! Who else?”
“Not yet. Visiting hours aren't until 2 p.m.”
“Good! I'm coming over then.” He bounced up, grabbing his keys. They needed to talk and figure things out without outside interference. He ended the call without waiting for a response or objections.
* * *
Kristen picked at the disgusting breakfast that as expected, had her on the verge of vomiting. Or maybe it was normal to feel queasy two days after a C-section. Whatever the reason, it was awful. They kept warning her that she wouldn't be released until she ate. But why should she go home anyway without her baby? Even though they assured her she could stay over with him, if she had to go home at all, it would be too far, too unbearable. And then there was Logan. He might try to stop her, to keep her from being with Alex.
The nurse checked her vitals. Kristen lay back, numbed and disinterested.
“Krissy, I brought you something.” Logan smiled, setting the vase of roses down next to her.
Her head jerked up. I hate it when he sneaks up on me like that! What the hell is he up to anyway? She stiffened, an unexpected dull ache spreading through her body. Were the mild drugs wearing off, or did his presence and strange attitude provoke it?
He leaned over kissing her lips, lingering longer than necessary. She broke free, self-consciously glancing at the nurse. The needle came out of nowhere. She cringed, weakening.
“Thank you. They're beautiful.” She bit down hard on her lip, desperate to stop the quivering.
Eventually the nurse had enough of her blood and left them alone. “When are you coming home?” He planted himself next to her on the bed.
“You're not supposed to be on the bed, Logan.” He never learns. And he doesn’t even ask about the baby.
“I don't give a damn what I'm supposed to do.” His arm draped around her shoulders, pulling her to him.
“Logan, you have to be careful. I don't want the stitches to pop.”
His eyes narrowed. “What stitches?” He reached for her hospital gown.
“Don't do that!” She slapped his hand, clenching her teeth. “What do you mean what stitches? They cut my stomach open! What do you think?” Flared up, her eyes challenged him. Another moment of truth.
He couldn't hide his repulsion. “Oh! I forgot!” After a few awkward seconds, he rose to his feet.
The room went silent, neither of them mentioned visiting the baby. She couldn't look at him—it was easier to stay mad that way. The need to see the baby became unbearable. “I'm going to see Alex.” She started to get up, “Do you want—”
He cut her off. “—Yeah, I want. Come on.” He took her arm, she didn't resist. The thought of the previous night when she and Alicia viewed Alex's full head of auburn-brown curls sprang into her mind. Showdown time. She walked sullenly beside him to the NICU.
All the nurses in the unit knew her, since she hung out there during every shift, the NICU her new, unforeseen home for the next two weeks at least. Unless by some unforeseen miracle, they released her baby sooner.
“Can I hold him today?”
“As long as you keep him warm, honey, okay?” The on-duty nurse handed her a velvety blanket. It was so tiny.
Kristen examined it in amazement. It looks like a doll’s blanket. “Did he get any bigger?” She lifted her hopeful eyes to the nurse, brightening from her encouraging smile.
“He's actually almost seven pounds. The blanket might be a little tight”.
Kristen's mouth fell open. “Wow, really? That's not too bad! Maybe he can go home sooner?” Her eyes flew across the nurse’s face before searching for Logan, who remained at a safe distance.
“It's possible, honey. Maybe five more days if he doesn't have a fever. But talk to the doctor later.” She took extreme care lifting Alex into Kristen’s arms and showed her how to hold his head. In awe, Kristen gently touched him, looking deep into his eyes. Light brown. And little specks of gold. Transfixed, she couldn’t move. Alex let out a few low whimpers, but didn't cry. It snapped her out of her trance, and she wrapped the blanket protectively around him, stroking a tiny hand.
In her wildest dreams, she never imaged the magic of this moment or the depth of unconditional love that filled her heart. When Alex’s fragile fingers grasped one of hers, holding on so tightly, it overwhelmed her—all the pain and misery she suffered since the day she hemorrhaged, ceased to exist. A gigantic smile took over her face as her eyes filled with tears of joy.
How long had Logan been standing next to her?
“He’s holding me!” Kristen’s eyes glittered with delight, her heart racing when she called out to the nurse.
The nurse gave her a wide toothy grin, nodding. “Do you want to feed him? It's about that time.”
Lost in a dream, Kristen didn't hear her until she repeated it, touching her shoulder.
“Oh, sure. If it's okay.” She couldn't pull her eyes awa
y from his adorable face. “Did you see that Logan? He smiled at me!” Logan didn't answer. It didn’t matter in the least to her. “You know your mommy, don't you Alex?” Her happy giggles resonated around the ward.
“What about that hat?” Logan pointed to the baby’s beanie.
“You can remove it for a minute, but his head needs to stay warm,” the nurse interjected, handing Kristen the bottle and patiently demonstrating the proper way to feed him. Satisfied Kristen had caught on, she walked away, allowing her to take over.
“Let’s look at his hair.” Logan’s eyes narrowed, the queasiness in his stomach took over. He swallowed repeatedly.
“You can take it off carefully if you care so much, Logan.” Kristen stared straight ahead, refusing to watch.
Logan’s face twitched. With self-conscious movements, he shifted his weight back and forth, but didn't bend down to Alex. “Why can't you?”
Against her will, she glanced up at Logan, taking in his death-like hue. “Let him finish eating. Then after I burp him…right?” she called out to the nurse, who was feeding another baby close by. She gave her the reassurance she sought.
By the time he was finished, Kristen tried out the burping routine the nurse had shown her. The super loud sound he emitted surprised her, causing her to laugh so hard, her stomach hurt. But it didn’t dull her spirits in the least. Logan’s eyes were glued on her, his lips curled downwards, twitching.
“He sure has a big appetite for a little guy!” The nurse smiled, standing by in case he spit up.
He's like his daddy. Kristen beamed at the image. She couldn't wipe Jake's face out of her mind. Logan was nagging her about the hair again. She finally heard him. Gazing up at him with an absentminded, vacant expression, her own words echoed in her ears. “Go for it, Logan.”
She tensed. He removed the tiny blue cap from Alex's head. The instant he saw the full head of thick dark hair, the hat slipped out of his hand. His mouth agape, he stood immobilized, his blazing eyes set on her, his lips puffed out with anger.