“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Maybe to you it doesn’t, but it does to people like John and Amy,” he countered. “John was my first real boyfriend, and I was stupid, so I let him talk me out of wearing my processor all the time, even when I didn’t like it. I felt vulnerable without it.” He glanced at Forrester. “I think John wanted that, because then I would need him more.”
Forrester got the impression this John was some kind of Christian Grey manipulative psychopath. That book had wasted hours he would never get back.
“This one night we got really drunk with two other guys,” Kyle went on, his words losing some clarity as emotions got the best of him. “I don’t remember much, but I was really drunk and I just wanted to go home. John drove us to their apartment instead.”
“I’m not going to like where this story is going, am I?”
Kyle shook his head. “No, but please? I need to tell you. So you can understand me. For us.”
He could tell Kyle was trying extremely hard to maintain his composure by the way his words slurred and his volume increased. Heightened emotions caused Kyle to lose his coherency, but Forrester had only seen it during sex. Then, it was adorable and sexy.
Now, it wrenched at Forrester’s heart.
“I was sorta in and out. Then there were bodies and kissing, and… I kept telling John I wanted to go home.” His hands shook, his lips trembling. When he looked at Forrester, his eyes were watering.
Instantly Forrester reached out and took his hand. Kyle squeezed it in thanks.
“John took my processor from me.” Kyle’s voice caught. “I was so scared. All I remember is the three of them all over me. I couldn’t get them off. I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t hear anything. Then I blacked out.”
Forrester almost told Kyle he spoke too loudly, but the other people on the towpath weren’t within hearing range and he didn’t want to upset him further. Instead, he squeezed Kyle’s hand, willing him to feel the support.
“When I woke up, everything was quiet, and I didn’t know where I was. I only remembered bits and pieces. I was sore.” Kyle pointed below his waist, and Forrester knew what he meant. “I was way wetter than I should be too, like they all… you know? Without condoms. And I had scratches on my chest, bruises. And I couldn’t hear anything.”
“I’m so sorry.” Forrester tightened his grip, heart aching.
“John said he took my processor so it wouldn’t get damaged, but I didn’t believe him. He always made me take it out. He hated it. He kept saying we all agreed to have this kinky night and that I was into it the whole time. But I know I told them to stop. I know I wanted to go home.”
At the high-pitched note, Forrester pulled Kyle into a tight embrace. Though they were in public and people were nearby, Forrester was only worried about comforting Kyle. Kyle was stiff at first, but then he let out a trembling sigh and softened in Forrester’s arms.
“I’m so sorry,” Forrester whispered, caressing his back.
After a moment, Kyle pulled away. Forrester studied his pained expression, at a loss for words. How could he ever say anything to make Kyle feel better from rape? Jeez, just thinking the word made his body feel torn between tears and rage. Maintaining his cool for Kyle’s sake, he offered, “I’m really sorry that happened to you.”
“Me too.” Kyle straightened his shirt, then sat back.
Though Forrester found it almost impossible to break physical contact with Kyle once it had been made, he reluctantly shifted away too.
They sat in silence, gazing out at the river. A blue heron—a so-called river rat—glided low over the water, then landed on the opposite bank. Its svelte figure all but disappeared, blending in with the trees.
“John stole my silence.”
Forrester cocked his head, waiting for elaboration.
Kyle met his gaze. “I’m deaf. Whether I have my CI on or not. I’m still deaf. And I like my silence. I like the stillness. That night changed me, Forrester.” His voice lowered, and his enunciation weakened further. “And I don’t want it to keep hurting our relationship.”
“What do you mean?” Forrester thought everything was going great. What did Kyle think was wrong?
“I’m distracted all the time when we have sex.”
“What?” Forrester asked in surprise. A hot wash of embarrassment went through him. “Am I not doing something you need? I thought”—his voice cracked and he whispered—“we were great in bed. You’re not happy?”
“No, no!” Kyle cried. “That’s not what I mean!”
Forrester wanted to cry as he choked out, “Then what do you mean?”
After pursing his lips, Kyle said, “I wish you could read lips or sign, because this is hard to say.”
“Text it to me.”
Nodding, he pulled out his iPhone and swiped the screen a few times. Then his hands didn’t move. Forrester wondered what could be so difficult for him to vocalize. Kyle’s fingers started moving, and a moment later, Forrester’s phone pinged.
He was a little scared to open it.
Kyle: I’m distracted because I worry about knocking my processor off during sex and that’s not fair to YOU. To us.
Forrester read the text, his heart rate returning to normal. He started a text, but Kyle put a hand on his and shook his head.
“Wait, please,” Kyle said. Then he began typing.
For a really long time.
Finally, a text came through: I want to be myself with you, I don’t want to be worried about positions etc and fearing it will fall off. I want to be fully invested and I haven’t been. I’m sorry about that, but it’s not because I don’t want to be. I haven’t been able to have sex without hearing since that night. I’ve tried but I had a panic attack. I haven’t bottomed since that night either. I trust you but I’m really scared.
The cry-face emoji Kyle added broke Forrester’s heart. He couldn’t imagine how awful that night had been and how much worse those men had made it because they not only stole Kyle’s body, but his hearing too. Leaving him even more helpless.
“So you don’t keep the processor in because…,” Forrester began but opted to text him: Hearing doesn’t make sex better for you, but you wear it because you’re scared to think of that night?
Kyle nodded, then texted: Yes and I worry that if I can’t hear I’ll panic in the middle and scare you away. I don’t want to ruin what we have by getting weird.
Forrester let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cry. He dropped his phone and seized Kyle’s hands. He poured as much conviction into his touch and his expression as he could. “Kyle, I swear on my grandfather’s and my father’s graves, I will never hurt you.”
“I know,” he insisted. “I never thought you would. It’s not you. It’s me.”
“That’s another awful line you shouldn’t use. Worse than ‘we need to talk.’”
“You know what I mean.”
Forrester smiled. “I do. But if we do this and you get scared, it won’t ruin anything. It won’t make me feel any differently about you.”
“But—”
He shook his head. “No buts. We’re in this together, right?”
Squeezing his hands back, Kyle managed to smile. “Yeah, together.”
Needing to reinforce his words with action, Forrester leaned in to kiss Kyle.
But a snorting Boston terrier had different ideas.
Jasper jumped into Kyle’s lap, did some sort of spastic twist, then licked Forrester right on the face.
Laughing, they both recoiled.
“I guess he was tired of us getting serious,” Kyle said.
Forrester grinned at the wild little dog. “He’s just tired of us ignoring him. You did hashtag his picture all about me.”
“He is rather high-maintenance,” Kyle agreed.
Or Jasper was just incredibly intuitive and knew they needed a respite from the heavy conversation.
Kyle rubbed his dog, then gave Forrester a sideways smile. “I haven
’t told anyone about John but my therapist.”
“You have a therapist?” Me and my big mouth!
“Yes, I do,” Kyle said with confidence. “It helps to have someone neutral and outside of the situation to talk to. After everything, I was in a really bad place. I had friends, but you couldn’t have convinced me of it. I was alone in the entire world.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“John did this to me, but back then I blamed myself. I shut everyone off.” Kyle made a sweeping gesture that left Forrester thinking he shut people out and shut them off, in every way possible. “I just went to school and work. I didn’t know how to be me anymore. But I was so lonely. That’s why I got Jasper. Then a guy I was seeing told me I needed a shrink. He wasn’t being helpful, but I thought maybe I did. I still see a therapist because it’s nice to have someone to talk to.”
“I used to be able to talk to Gramps. I know I would’ve told him about me.” Forrester scooted closer and tossed his arm over Kyle’s shoulders. He pulled him a little closer, squeezing him affectionately and smiling at him. “He would’ve liked you a lot.”
“My mom would’ve adored you.” Kyle looked at him, and Forrester could tell by the way he studied his face that he was waiting for Forrester to say something.
“I’m glad you got help, and I’m glad you’re in a good place,” he offered.
“Me too.”
Knowing Kyle had spent so much of his life alone—as a child stuck between worlds, bullied by people in both, losing both parents, and then the assault—made Forrester want to spend the rest of his life sheltering him from ever being hurt again.
“We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for,” Forrester assured him. “But when you are ready, I’ll try my hardest to make it good for you. You never have to worry with me.” He closed his mouth and glanced away, half a breath away from adding, I love you.
But it was too soon for that, wasn’t it?
Kyle placed a hand on Forrester’s arm, and their eyes met. This time Kyle’s smile twinkled in his eyes. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Feeling bold, Forrester took a quick survey of the people nearby and, in an instant, chose to give Kyle a fast peck on the lips.
Kyle’s brows shot up in surprise.
Brimming with pride, Forrester said, “You ready? I wanna check with Holly and see if she needs anything before we go back to your place.”
He nodded.
They gathered up the garbage, the blanket, and Jasper, then dumped the garbage in a nearby bin.
“Do you talk to this therapist about me?” Forrester wanted to know.
Kyle gave him a sly grin, flashing those adorable dimples. “Maybe.”
He scoffed. “It better all be good.”
Kyle just laughed.
Emboldened, Forrester reached out and threw a brotherly arm around Kyle’s neck, pulling him into a pseudo headlock. Their eyes met, and Forrester’s breath caught in his chest. Though Kyle’s story hurt Forrester—if that John guy ever showed up, Forrester would beat his fucking ass—he felt like they’d crossed a bridge into a world where they were no longer new boyfriends.
They were a solid, committed couple.
That was the best birthday gift he could imagine.
Pulling Kyle’s side flush with his own, Forrester kept his arm over his shoulder as they headed back to Front Street. Though Forrester figured Kyle needed the human contact after everything, Kyle didn’t put his arm around Forrester’s waist. He kept it at his side, the other holding on to Jasper’s leash. Forrester and his brothers showed this kind of affection to one another all the time, but with Kyle, the innocuous gesture felt far more intimate.
They strolled back across the small bridge connecting the towpath to the little park beside the old town hall. “I heard somebody’s trying to get a theater group together because there’s a stage inside,” Forrester told Kyle as they passed.
“Really?”
The park was filled with children playing on the monkey bars and jungle gym. Forrester smiled at the sight, then at Kyle. “Do you want children?”
Kyle seemed taken aback by the question, but then his face softened, and he nodded.
Grinning, Forrester gave his shoulders a squeeze. They walked back to the bookstore.
“I’m going to get you two stone planters for your stoop,” Kyle told him. “I’ll plant some low-maintenance flowers.”
Forrester grinned. “That would be awesome, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, looking pleased with himself. “Then I’ll get you some herbs and marigolds to go around your tomatoes. It’ll look nice, plus it’ll help keep bugs away.”
“Well, aren’t you Johnny Green Thumb,” he teased, giving Kyle another squeeze. “Scott texted me that Phin has tomato plants for me.”
“Maybe we’ll get them this weekend,” Kyle suggested. “I think it’s warm enough to plant tomatoes.”
“Yeah, it is. I’ll text Scott and see when we can come by.”
Unfortunately, Forrester had to let Kyle go to open the door. Kyle picked up Jasper, and they went inside.
“I see the store didn’t burn down,” Forrester teased Taylee, the barista checking out customers at the register.
“Nope.” She smiled.
His stomach leaped when he spied Tony and Missy standing in line at the coffee bar.
“Hey, Frankie.” Tony glanced at Kyle and Jasper for a quick second before smiling at Forrester. “Happy birthday!”
His need to comfort Kyle, to touch him, was instantly dashed by that familiar fear of being exposed.
Had they seen Forrester with his arm around Kyle?
Chapter Fifteen
“HEY, YOURSELF,” Forrester managed, walking over to give Tony a one-armed hug. “Hi, Missy.” He showed the same affection to his sister-in-law. “What brings you guys to Gilead?”
“What? Can’t I come visit my brother’s store?”
Missy slapped his arm. “He didn’t mean it like that, and you know it.” She smiled up at Forrester. Her curly blonde hair was styled up in a clip and she had makeup on, looking far less frazzled than the last time he’d seen her. “Happy birthday, Frankie.”
“Thanks.”
Tony’s face softened, and he put his arm around his cute little wife the way Forrester had done to Kyle moments ago. “I thought I’d take my wife antiquing and shit-shopping. Even booked a room at the Carriage House.”
“I was so surprised.” Missy smiled up at Tony. The Carriage House was the old mayor’s mansion, which had recently been updated from a failed “serenity retreat” to a modern B and B.
Forrester looked for a stroller. “Where’s the baby?”
“With Missy’s sister.”
Ahh, that’s why Missy looks so well-rested.
Jasper snorted, flailing and drawing their attention.
“This is my friend Kyle,” Forrester said. “The spaz is Jasper. My brother Tony and his wife, Missy.”
Kyle held on to his wriggling pooch. “Nice to meet you, but I think I know you. Don’t you work for Shiloh PD?”
Tony studied Kyle, and then his face lit up in recognition. “You’re in the prosecutor’s office. Benson, right?”
“That’d be me.” Kyle adjusted Jasper in his grip so he didn’t leap down. “Well, I’ll just get this one home, then. Thanks for lunch, Forrester. It was nice meeting you guys.”
“Bye.” Missy smiled brightly.
Forrester turned in surprise and watched his boyfriend walk away. His heart jumped to his throat and a sick sense of dread settled in its place. He couldn’t just let Kyle leave. Forrester almost told him to wait, but Tony watching him made him nervous. It wasn’t like Karen at the farmer’s stand, or his employees, or strangers on the towpath seeing them together and knowing they were a couple.
This was la famiglia.
His mouth opened and the words that came out were not the ones he wanted to say. “Bye, Kyle. I’ll text you later.
”
Kyle paused at the door and nodded. “Okay, later.”
Then he was gone.
Fighting the urge to chase after Kyle, Forrester thought he might be sick. He clutched at his stomach. What’s wrong with me?
“You okay?” Missy asked. “You look a little green around the gills.”
Drawing on all his years of diversion tactics, he somehow managed to smile. “I’m fine. Don’t think lunch sat well with me. Too much grease.”
“You gotta start eating like a grown-up, Frankie,” his brother told him. “You know we got heart disease in the family. You can’t just live off cheeseburgers, fries, pasta, and desserts. Missy’s got me eating quinoa and kale. It’s not bad.”
“I’ve been vegetarian since college, and I know that it’s not for everyone. But people would be much healthier if they ate a pescatarian diet,” she added.
“Yeah, okay. You’re probably right.” Then he stared at his sister-in-law. “You’re vegetarian?”
“Where the hell have you been?” Tony asked.
“I don’t know.” Forrester remembered they had a vegetarian meal at their wedding—only because he’d RSVPed the vegetarian option for Joey as a prank—but he’d never really paid attention to what Missy ate, and she hadn’t talked about it. Not like that guy he used to date. Then again, Missy was rather reserved. He wondered if Ma knew Missy was vegetarian.
Dismissing the thought, he glanced around the store, trying to act casual. After everything Kyle told you, you just let him leave? You’re such an asshole!
Kyle could’ve stayed. Did he think Forrester wanted him to leave? Because he hadn’t wanted that. At all.
That weird little panic attack was proof.
But he had to act normal, so he smiled at his family. “You guys order anything yet?” He looked at Belinda, his newest barista. “Get ’em anything they want, on the house.”
“Yes, Mr. Giordano.”
“Thanks, Frankie.”
To Tony, he said, “Check this out, Dino set up that freezer for me. I’ve got gelato now.”
“What flavors?”
“Chocolate, vanilla, and pistachio.” He walked Tony behind the counter to show him the new freezer, trying not to worry about Kyle. His confident lawyer had an insecure side he’d not seen before, and Forrester didn’t want to give him any reason to doubt Forrester’s commitment.
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