by S. J. West
“Make sure you write down how you felt about her as you remember things,” he tells me. “That will mean just as much to her as you confessing your sins. Women like to know what we think about them. Choose some moments from your shared past that do just that.”
I nod my head. “I will.”
“And set an alarm for goodness sakes,” Malcolm grumbles. “All we need is for you to miss the wedding rehearsal.”
“I’ll set it for tomorrow actually. So I can get the journal to Caylin before the rehearsal.”
Brand holds his hand out to me and I shake it. “We’ll see you soon.”
After Brand and Malcolm leave, I go up to the bathroom connected to my bedroom and take a quick shower. I take Brand’s words to heart. I want Caylin to know how meeting her changed my life and how everything I’ve achieved since then was done to ensure our future together.
A
NEW BEGINNING
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Considering how long I’ve lived, you wouldn’t think three years would be that difficult for me to get through. However, in all honesty, it seemed equivalent to three thousand years. When I called Malcolm the day you and I spoke, he was gruff with me over the phone. We hadn’t spoken since that Valentine’s Day when you and I first saw each other. Everything between your parents and me had been handled through Jess and Mason.
“Malcolm will come around…in time,” Desmond assured me when I told him about Malcolm’s reaction to our first meeting.
I wasn’t as confident.
But, your uncle loves you greatly, Caylin. He put aside his own feelings and our shared past and helped me become a man more worthy of you.
I think he understood how hard it was for me to call and ask him for help that day. Even though he wasn’t his friendliest during our phone conversation, he told me to come to his house in Hawaii so we could speak in person.
“What exactly is it that you want me to do for you?” Malcolm asked as we sat across from each other in his living room.
“I want to be faithful to Caylin,” I told him, knowing I had to bare my soul and be completely honest with Malcolm if I was going to have any chance of gaining his help. “I need to find a way to get rid of my sex addiction and bring myself under control before I’m around her again.”
“Agreed,” Malcolm replied whole-heartedly. “And don’t even think about having sex with her until the two of you are married. I won’t allow you to treat her like all the other women you’ve known. I think she deserves better than you, but obviously, I wasn’t consulted on who her soulmate should be.”
“I don’t disagree,” I admitted. “She does deserve better than me. So help me become a man who can at least provide her with a life where she doesn’t have to worry about me cheating on her with random women. I don’t want to be that man. I refuse to hurt her like that. I would rather be dead.”
“Don’t worry,” Malcolm assured me. “If I ever hear of you being unfaithful to her, I promise to kill you myself.”
“And I wouldn’t stop you,” I told him in all seriousness. “I need to prove to myself that I can be faithful to her even when we aren’t together. I have three years to become that person. Can you help me? Or, maybe a better question is, will you help me?”
Malcolm studied me for a while before he nodded his head. “Yes, I can and I will help you, Aiden. But I don’t want to hear any complaints come from you while I whip you into shape. You do not argue with me about anything I ask you to do. Is that understood?”
“Yes,” I said, feeling relieved he was willing to help.
“Now,” Malcolm said heavily, “what to do with you to keep you occupied…”
“I’m still head of the Memphis headquarters,” I reminded him. “That takes up a lot of my time during the day, but not so much my nights and weekends.”
“Give me a day or two to think of something,” Malcolm said, as he seemed to mentally run through his options. “You can keep yourself from giving into your urges for that long, can’t you?”
“Yes,” I said, feeling ashamed that he even had to ask such a question. “I can keep myself occupied.”
“Good. I’ll call you when I have a plan set into place.”
Unfortunately, it was the weekend, and that meant I had two days to find something to occupy my time. I decided to call Desmond to see what he was doing that weekend. Through everything, Desmond has always been there when I needed him the most, and this time wasn’t any different. We spent the weekend hiking, fishing and camping on Wicklow Mountain in Ireland. I would love to take you there one day. The rolling green hills, lakes, and streams are so calming. I needed the solitude we found there to gather my thoughts and emotions about you. Desmond and I talked a lot about our lives up to that point and where we saw ourselves in the future.
“Well, I guess everyone knows your future is with Caylin,” Desmond said that first evening around the campfire.
“If she’ll have me,” I reminded him.
“She’ll have you,” Desmond replied with more confidence than I felt at the time. “She’s your destiny.”
“What do you think your destiny is?” I asked him, knowing someone with such a good heart deserved to find his happily ever after too. “Where do you see yourself in the future?”
Desmond shrugged. “I’m not really sure. I imagine our father will let me know when the time is right.”
“Do you see yourself with a family?” I asked, remembering how much Desmond loved Carrig for the short time he was able to be with him.
“I think so,” Desmond said, looking at me as if he wanted to say something but not knowing how to.
“What is it?” I asked, my curiosity piqued. “What do you want to tell me?”
“I saw him,” Desmond revealed, watching me closely as if he wanted to gage my reaction to his next words. “Back when human souls were able to traverse the veil between Heaven and Earth, I saw Carrig and his mother. They came to see me.”
I sat there in stunned silence.
“Why didn’t you tell me this before now?”
Desmond shook his head. “I don’t know. I guess I was still ashamed that I caused their deaths in the first place. They told me that I shouldn’t blame myself anymore, but you know how we angels can be. Sometimes I think we wear our guilt like crowns.”
“You should have told me, Desmond.”
“Well, I’m telling you now.”
“How was it?” I asked. “What was it like to see them again?”
“Odd…wonderful…surreal,” Desmond replied with a distant look in his eyes as he remembered his reunion with his family. “It was odd because Carrig didn’t come to me as a baby. He appeared to me as a man and looked so much like his mother. All I could do when I saw them was apologize.”
“Did they accept your apology?”
“They told me that I didn’t need to be sorry. They were happy in Heaven together, and they wanted me to find happiness too.”
“You would have been a much better choice for Caylin than me,” I said, realizing how true my words were.
“I so would have,” Desmond agreed.
I looked up at him in surprise and saw the smile on his face.
“I’m joking,” he clarified. “You’re meant to be together, and you’ll share a love I can only aspire to find for myself one day.”
When I returned home, Malcolm was prepared for me and figured out what my first project should be.
Malcolm owned the land where my beach house in the Bahamas is built, just off the coast from Mason and Jess’ home. He sold it to me and told me my first project was that house. Malcolm and I drew up the plans for it, and he helped me build it. I had never constructed a house before, but I learned quickly under Malcolm’s tutelage. The physical labor involved helped keep my mind off other pursuits but not you. You were always in my thoughts, and just thinking about you brought me so much comfort in those days. Desmond helped us during his spare time but most of the work was done by Mal
colm and me.
It only took us three months to complete my beach home. I became despondent because I wasn’t sure what Malcolm could possibly find to keep me busy for almost three more years. When he phased me to Colorado, I knew exactly where we were.
“Isn’t this just the other side of the mountain from where Brand and Lilly’s home is?” I asked, surveying the mountain and surrounding forested area.
“Yes, it is,” Malcolm confirmed. “I bought the surrounding land when I built Lilly her house. I thought this might be a good spot for you to build a home for you and Caylin to live in. She loves these mountains. Consider the land an early wedding present. The house you’ll have to build yourself. I suggest you make it large so it will take up the majority of your time over the next few years. I’ll help you draw up the plans, but I think you can handle the actual construction on your own now. As long as you make it big enough and do all the work yourself, it should take you a while to complete. After that, we can think of something else for you to do.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I said to Malcolm, “except thank you.”
“Well, I’m doing this as much for Caylin as I am for you,” Malcolm told me. “Now, what kind of castle do you see your princess living in?”
Malcolm helped me draw up the plans, but he was true to his word and left me to do all the labor by myself. I didn’t mind the work. It kept me busy, and I discovered that I enjoyed working with my hands. It reminded me of building that wall in the village I first lived in.
On that first Valentine’s Day, I wasn’t sure what to leave on your windowsill. Oh, I guess this would be a good time to mention why I never left you a Christmas present during those years. I wanted that to be a special time for us. I wanted to hand you that first Christmas present in person and watch your face as you opened it. I hope you never thought I forgot about you, because I didn’t. How could I? My world was slowly beginning to revolve around you even though we couldn’t be together yet.
That first Valentine’s Day I left a white rose on the windowsill of your family’s Lakewood home. I allowed myself the luxury of watching you sleep, but didn’t stay as long as I did the first time. I felt like a Peeping Tom and didn’t want to run the risk of people thinking I was disrespecting you if they ever found out.
I hoped you would research to see what the color signified and was happy when you told me later that you did so every year. To me, you were the epitome of purity and innocence. Two things I had never been in my life. I treasured the knowledge that you would be mine one day and kept it like a talisman around my heart to ward off my never-ending self-doubt. Obviously, it hasn’t always worked, or I wouldn’t be writing you this journal now.
But, I’m trying, Caylin. I’m trying.
On your sixteenth birthday, I felt excited because I knew you were blooming towards adulthood. I knew there was no way I could top Malcolm’s gift to you that year. So I chose something simple that symbolized grace and beauty, the crystal swan.
Jess invited me to have breakfast with her, Mason, and Max that morning. I think she wanted to make sure I didn’t just stand on the side of the mountain all day and watch your birthday party from my secret spot. She was pregnant with Brynlee at the time and Mason told me I pretty much had to do what she asked or he would suffer the consequences. After breakfast, Jess told me I should use their home that day, take some time for myself, and unwind.
I had always felt at home in all of Jess and Mason’s houses. So, I did what she suggested and tried to use the time to contemplate things. I rarely used my own beach house that Malcolm helped me build because it never felt like much of a home until I took you there for the first time. I wanted what Jess, Mason, and your parents had. I wanted a family to call my own so that no matter where we lived it would always feel like home.
As I’ve mentioned before, Brynlee and I have always had a special connection. The day she was born is branded into my memory. Mason was on an assignment tracking down a changeling that was terrorizing a small African village the day Jess went into labor. Jess refused to let me call him and let him know she was about to have their daughter.
“Mason will kill me if I don’t call him,” I told her.
“And I’ll kill you myself if you do,” she screamed just as another contraction hit as she lay in her hospital bed. “You’ll just have to man up and stand in for him, Aiden.”
She really didn’t give me any choice.
“What do you need me to do?” I asked her, feeling helpless to alleviate her agony.
She grabbed one of my hands just as another contraction hit.
“Find out where the hell Faison is with my epidural!”
Thankfully, Faison came rushing through the door with Jess’ doctor right behind her.
“Ok, Jess, let me check to see how far along you are,” her doctor said, putting on some rubber gloves before lifting the modesty sheet covering Jess from the waist down.
“Well, I have some good news, and I have some bad news,” her doctor announced.
“Good news first,” Jess said, breathing in and out so fast I feared she was going to hyperventilate.
“Well, the good news is the baby is crowning. The bad news is you’re past the point of being able to get an epidural.”
“Crap!” Jess screamed as another contraction hit.
“Jess,” I said calmly, wondering how someone so small could have a grip so strong, “please, let me get Mason for you.”
“No!” She screamed, tightening her hold on my hand. “It’s too late. Suck it up Watcher and help me get this baby out!”
Caylin, I suppose this might be a good time to warn you that watching Jess give birth may have ruined me for life. It was the most horrible yet miraculous thing I’ve ever witnessed. It might seem odd that I never saw a human born until that point, but I had purposely avoided it. That was one reason why I wanted to get Mason. I didn’t want to have to watch Jess endure so much pain or watch Brynlee emerged from between her legs. Even now, I get a little sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I’m not sure I want to see you go through that much agony, yet I’ll never forget hearing Brynlee cry for the first time. It was one of the sweetest sounds I’ve ever heard because I knew then she would be all right.
From the moment Brynlee came into the world, she was pouting. Her little bottom lip quivered as she stuck it out as far as she could. I almost asked Faison to make sure she had an upper lip when she was sponging her clean. I can’t say I blamed her for having that expression on her face. I think I would have pouted too if I had just been squeezed out a hole that was normally not any bigger than a lemon. I don’t know how you women do it. I really don’t. Women are definitely able to withstand more pain than men are, but I suppose you have to for the propagation of the human species.
“Aiden,” Jess said to me, squeezing the hand she still held more gently this time. “Bring me my baby girl.”
I walked over to Faison, and she laid Brynlee in my arms. Our eyes locked, and I was instantly a goner. She’s had me wrapped around her little finger ever since.
By your seventeenth birthday, I almost had our Colorado home completed.
“Nice work, Aiden,” Malcolm praised when I took him on a tour of our house the day before your birthday. “It took you a bit longer than it would have me, but still, you did a good job.”
“Malcolm,” I said, as he walked around the art studio I designed for you, “I wanted to ask your permission to do something.”
Malcolm looked up from the worktable he was walking around and waited for me to continue.
“I want to give Caylin a key to this room for her birthday, but I want your blessing first. I know it’s a big step, but she won’t actually know what the key goes to for a while. My hope is that she views the key as a sign of my commitment to her.”
Malcolm didn’t say anything for awhile. He looked contemplative as he considered my request.
“You have my blessing,” he finally told me. “And, I have
to admit, I never thought you would make it this long, Aiden. I figured you would screw up somewhere along the way. I finally have hope you can give Caylin the life she deserves. You’re not the arrogant ass you used to be anymore. Love seems to have finally made you humble. It’s a much better look on you.”
“Maybe one day you’ll learn it,” I joked.
Malcolm chuckled. “Maybe.”
On the morning of your seventeenth birthday, I felt like I had been given a gift by you.
I found you asleep but sitting in a chair right next to the window. It made me smile. I knew exactly what you had tried to do and couldn’t help but be pleased that you attempted to catch me leaving your gift. It was almost like a kid waiting up for Santa Claus but not being able to stay awake long enough. I quickly phased back to our home and wrote ‘Nice Try’ on a small piece of paper. After I tucked it underneath a section of the ribbon on your present, I phased back to your window to leave my gift. I looked at you for as long as I dared. When you began to stir, I phased back home and got ready to go over to see Jess and her family.
I guess we had two close calls that day. As I told you before, I knew you were on the beach with me that morning. Your closeness has always made my body tingle. I could feel you watching me from your hiding spot behind the palm tree. I kept facing the ocean, praying for two very different things. I wanted you to come up behind me and wrap your arms around my waist, but I also wanted you to quickly phase away before I lost my resolve and turned around to face you, effectively breaking our promise to your parents.
I felt it when you left and breathed out a sigh of relief. If you had stayed one more minute, I wouldn’t have been able to restrain myself from going to you. Though, maybe I should have turned around to face you. Then we wouldn’t have met the way we did.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
After our home was built, I didn’t have much to do to keep me busy. Mason placed Andre Greco and me in charge of monitoring Baal’s movements. We were certain the princes were up to something. We just didn’t know what at the time. The day he attacked you I literally lost him in a maze. It’s obvious to me now that his attack on you was planned ahead of time. He knew exactly where you would be at that time of day. He went to the Ashcombe Maze in Australia and lost me in it. At least, he thought he did. I was able to find his phase trail, but not before he had the chance to hurt you.