Before Hadley

by J. Nathan

  I forced a smile at Cass as I made my way up the aisle toward my seat, my pulse pounding in my ears. She gave me wide eyes and nudged her head toward him. Like I couldn’t actually see him for myself. Thanks, buddy.

  I slipped into my seat, turning my head toward Caynan. “Hey.” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I couldn’t disguise the quiver.

  His head shot up like he hadn’t seen me walk in. “Hey.”

  I bit my tongue, trekking through the awkward conversation. “You feeling okay?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. I’m fine.” His eyes dropped back down to his notes.

  I can’t believe this is happening.

  I can’t believe this is freaking happening to me.

  I was too smart to be one of those girls. Too smart to fall for empty words. Too smart to fall for disingenuous actions. Too smart to get tossed to the side for the next big thing. “You’re an asshole.”

  Cass’ head spun around. Caynan’s whipped up, his eyes narrowed.

  “You’re exactly what I thought you were,” I ground out, trying desperately not to cause a scene as I jumped to my feet. “I knew better.” I hurried out of the classroom, not bothering to look back.

  I needed to breathe. I needed to process the fact that I’d been just like every other girl to him. I’d been played by the God damn player.

  “Hadley, wait.” I heard the slapping of his sneakers jogging down the nearly empty hallway as I quickened my pace. “Would you just wait?”

  Heads of stragglers twisted in our direction. That wasn’t enough to stop me. I reached an exit door and threw it open. Two strong hands grasped my shoulders, stopping me from stepping outside. I closed my eyes, shielding them from both the bright morning sun and the owner of the hands. “Let go of me.”

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” he asked.

  I spun around, pulling free from his hands as the door slammed shut behind me. “What’s wrong with me? You’ve gotta be freaking joking.”

  His guilty eyes stayed on mine, though they clearly itched to move away.

  I stepped forward, more rage than I’d ever felt rushing through me as I pointed my finger into his chest. He stepped back. “I’m not the one who stood somebody up. I’m not the one who didn’t return a text checking to be sure you weren’t lying in some ditch somewhere. And I’m not the one who blew everything.”

  He buried his hands in the pockets of his cargo shorts, his shoulders relaxing and his eyes softening. His suddenly calm demeanor irked every part of my irritated body.

  I threw my hands out. “Am I wrong?”

  His lips slid into a cocky grin.

  Seriously? A flipping grin?

  “Glad to see you care.”

  My eyes flared. “You can’t be serious?”

  “Oh, but I am.” His dimple dug into his cheek. “I’ve been out of town.”

  “So?” My voice rose.

  “So, I knew when I saw you I’d be able to explain what happened. And we’d be good.”

  I scoffed, amazed by his brazenness. “Five days later?”

  He lifted a shoulder.

  My entire face scrunched in repulsion. “I hate you.”

  He laughed. “No, you don’t. I won’t let you.”

  I leveled him with a serious glare, hoping every ounce of disgust I felt for him was relayed in my eyes. “No, really. I hate you.”

  He stepped closer, causing me to step back. “I got your text.” He took another step forward. I took another step back. “Thank you for checking on me.” He stepped forward again. I stepped back, this time banging into the set of lockers behind me. “My dad sprung a last minute trip on me. I planned to call you once we got on the road. But as soon as we hit the town limit, I had no service.” His arms shot out, his hands bracing the lockers at the sides of my head, caging me in. “I’m sorry I missed dinner.”

  Having him that close made my skin crawl, but I matched his gaze, my eyes riveting between his. Did I believe him? Did his story line up? My dad taught me early on that a liar’s eyes shifted to their right when they lied. It was a subconscious thing, but a dead giveaway to those attuned to it. Caynan’s eyes remained fixed on mine.

  “I thought about you the entire time I was away,” he continued.

  I scoffed.

  “I thought about the feel of your skin,” he continued. “The taste of your lips. The vibration of your heartbeat when it presses against my chest.” His lips sealed over mine without warning. Without permission.

  I braced my hands on his chest and shoved as hard as I could. He didn’t even shift. His arms stayed locked. His hips held me in place. His mouth devoured mine. I wanted to scream. I wanted to bite his tongue and draw blood. I wanted to tell him this was never going to work. But his tongue relentlessly thrust deeper. Voices materialized in the distance. Were teachers calling us? Were people gawking at us? I finally broke loose, dislodging my lips from his and gasping for air. “Are you nuts?”

  He seemed shocked by my anger. “What?”

  “I’m not someone you can mess with, Caynan.”

  He nodded. “I know that.”

  I assessed the surrounding hallway. Classroom doors were closed and the last minute stragglers were hurrying to class, taking no interest in us. “I’m not someone who deals well with being blown off. Or being made to look like a fool. I’m not one of those girls.”

  His face grew even more serious. “I know that.”

  “If you don’t want to hang out anymore, let’s be done right now.”

  He paused, his eyes holding indecision. “Is that what you want?”

  “Oh, no. You might be able to get away with non-answers with Cass, but I can see right through them. The question is ‘Is that what you want?’”

  He dug his fingers through his dark hair, scratching away at his scalp as he stepped back from me, leaving the once warm space around me uncomfortably chilly. “I like hanging out with you.”

  I remained quiet so he had no choice but to continue.

  “I know you’re different than other girls.”

  I cocked my head. That wasn’t an answer. “I need someone honest, Caynan. If you can’t be, then we’re cool. We can go back to bantering in class and then go our separate ways. You’re a guy. What eighteen-year-old guy really wants to be exclusive anyway?”

  His eyes shifted from mine. “Yeah.” It came out so softly I almost missed it.

  Part of me wished he hadn’t agreed so quickly. But the other part knew it was for the best. The last few days had been torture. The not knowing. The dwelling. The worry. The anger. Who knew what more time spent with him would do to me. It was better to get out before my feelings were any more invested. “It’s better this way.”

  His eyes cut back to mine, like he wanted to say something. But his lips slammed shut, like he didn’t actually have the guts to say it.

  I forced an insincere smile. “No worries, player.” I stepped around him and started toward English class. My heart thrashed with each step away from the guy I’d begun to let into my life. The guy I believed in. The guy who clearly felt something for me, but was incapable of committing.

  “Hadley?”

  Caynan’s deep voice immobilized me. I jerked a glance over my shoulder.

  He stood there staring down the hallway at me for a long time, his arms hanging uselessly at his sides. Indecision had overtaken his features. Had he surprised himself by calling out to me? Because he seemed to be at a loss for words.

  I saved him the trouble, turning away and continuing toward class.

  “Wait,” he called.

  I didn’t.

  The slapping of his sneakers on the floor filled the silence. I didn’t stop or turn around. He rounded me, stopping in front of me. “Don’t think you’re getting rid of me that easily.” He grabbed hold of my hand and pulled me into his chest, hugging me in the middle of the empty hallway.

  I wanted to resist. To explain we were better as friends. To fight what was happening. But th
e fact that he wouldn’t allow me to walk out of his life, even after I’d urged him to, wouldn’t allow me to let it be over either.

  * * *

  Cass slid her lunch tray onto the table and pegged Caynan with her eyes. “You planning on skipping town again without a word?”

  He glanced to me beside him. But I glanced away. He was on his own with that one. “No.”

  “Hadley’s not like other girls. She’s not gonna follow you around like a lost puppy if you decide to call it quits.”

  “I know that.” His words were soft.

  “If you want to be with her, if you really want to hold onto one of the best people I know, man up and treat her right.”

  Caynan stared across the table, his eyes a mix of fear and respect. He nodded his response. “Good. Are you taking her to the carnival this weekend?” she asked.

  His eyes shot to mine. “You want to go?”

  I shrugged, still feeling out of sorts. I hadn’t had much time to process the fact that I’d gone from hating him for days to worrying something had happened to him. Not to mention, feeling like a fool for falling for the player to thinking we were over. My head was all over the place.

  “Hi, Caynan. Missed you in art.” Shannon stopped at the end of our table, her eyes batting like she had something in them.

  “Oh,” Caynan said politely but not overly friendly. Smart guy.

  She nodded. I could’ve sworn she shifted just to give him a better to look at her boobs.

  I opened my mouth to respond, but Cass beat me to it. “If you hadn’t noticed, he’s dating Hadley. And she’s too nice to send your ass back to the corner of the cafeteria where you and your slutty friends belong. But I’m not Hadley. And I’m not too nice to say it.”

  Shannon’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. I wondered if anyone had ever spoken to her that way before.

  Cass motioned with her finger in a circle. “Keep it moving.”

  Shannon actually did what she was told, spinning on her high wedges and strutting across the cafeteria.

  I stared across the table at Cass, not knowing what to say. Thank you? You’re nuts?

  “If you’re with Hadley, and I mean really with her,” she warned Caynan. “You will keep your eyes and hands off that one and all the rest of the vultures waiting for their chance to move in for the kill.”

  He grabbed my hand under the table and linked our fingers. “I’m definitely with Hadley,” he assured her, squeezing my hand tightly as he did.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Caynan

  I lay on my bed Sunday afternoon considering how I fucked everything up with Hadley. Five days had passed since she nearly sent my ass packing. And even after making amends with her, things had been different. Like she didn’t completely trust me. Not once had I seen her outside of school. And during school, she kept me at arm’s length—like at any moment she expected me to disappear again.

  The irony was not lost on me.

  This weekend had been a turning point. She’d agreed to go out with me, but only on Sunday. Who the hell goes to a carnival on a Sunday? But I’d agreed to go. Because time spent with Hadley was better than time spent without her

  And for the record, I had been away like I told her, and it wasn’t by choice. My dad forced me to go to that business meeting with him. And as much as I didn’t want to go, it gave me an out. The no service thing had been bullshit. I knew I should’ve called her, but I convinced myself that putting distance between us would make me forget about her. Make her forget about me.

  Then her text came.

  And it slayed me. I mean…I knew I’d hurt her by not showing up for dinner and not calling. But instead of being angry—like I knew she really was—she asked if I was okay. That’s why the harder I tried staying away from her, and the more I tried pushing her from my head, the harder it became. Especially when my fucking head was battling another part of my body.

  The front door slammed shut. I checked my phone. It was just after three. Footsteps moved toward my room. My door flew open, slamming against the wall. My father stood there glaring down at me. “You’re home?”

  I nodded. “Heading out in a few minutes.” He didn’t need to know anything about my personal life. That was mine.

  He raised a brow. “I hope you’re being careful. Don’t need you leaving your seed behind in every town we end up in.”

  If I wasn’t lying down, my head would’ve shot back because he was clearly drunk. And while he could be blunt, the slur to his voice and crass remark wasn’t him.

  “You know what today is?”

  “Huh?”

  “The date.” His voice grew louder, colder. “You know what today is?”

  I shook my head.

  “Your mother’s birthday.”

  My stomach rolled over. He hadn’t spoken about her in years. With him, it was as though she never existed. I didn’t understand it. But I knew enough never to bring her up. It was probably the reason I’d stopped thinking about her. Except, of course, when her uninvited words popped into my head like some fucked-up, otherworldly conscience. I’d never even visited her grave. Not that I knew where it was. We’d never been back to the same place twice. Just like Jacobsville one day. I’d never return.

  * * *

  “Why you so quiet?” Hadley asked.

  I turned toward her in the passenger seat of my Jeep, licking away at her chocolate ice cream cone. “Just enjoying the view.” Flirting was easier than telling her about my prick of a father. Spending time with her gave me a reprieve. It made it all disappear. How I thought I could push her away was beyond me.

  As opposed to actually going to the carnival, Hadley preferred parking on a hill overlooking it. We’d spent the early-evening staring out at the carnival all aglow. The dreamy look in her eyes made it clear how much she enjoyed the colorful flashing lights of the rides and the screams from the people on them. Just one more thing that made her so different from every other girl. She grinned. “Yeah, it does look beautiful.”

  I reached over, placing a hand on her bare thigh right where her cutoffs stopped. “I was talking about you.”

  She smiled and when she smiled at me like that—like I was the prince in her own private fairy tale—it made me happier than I’d been in a long time. It also scared the shit out of me. “How’s your ice cream?” she asked.

  “I bet yours tastes better.” I leaned over and kissed her, sucking on her chocolate-coated tongue. She moaned into my mouth, causing me to deepen the kiss, licking away at her mouth like the cone in her hand. She reciprocated, playing a game of push and pull. It was as though my fuck-up never happened. Like this kiss was meant to show me she forgave me for being such a douchebag. It took everything in me not to pull her into my lap so I could kiss the hell out of her all night.

  She broke away first, needing to catch a breath, but her eyes stayed on mine as her chest heaved. “I liked yours better.”

  I laughed, knowing in that moment that things were returning to normal. Thank God.

  She tilted her head, her eyes absorbing the details of my face like she’d never really looked that closely before. “Will you tell me something?”

  I shrugged. “Depends.”

  “What’s really bothering you?”

  “Besides messing things up with you?”

  She nodded.

  I wanted to say, “I’ve got plenty of issues. Take your pick.” Instead I shrugged. Being honest with someone was completely foreign to me. I’d never been able to be fully open with anyone before. Never been able to let anyone in. I wondered if Hadley was the one. The one I could actually be myself with. Because I really needed someone to confide in. Someone who could know my demons and still care about me. “It’s my mom’s birthday.”

  I heard her sharp intake of breath. “Oh, Caynan, I’m so—”

  “Don’t. I’m okay. It just gave me something to think about, that’s all.” My eyes latched onto some lightning bugs deep in the woods beside us. I
bet Hadley spent summer nights as a kid bottling them up so she could harness the beauty for just a little while longer. I, on the other hand, was probably already knee-deep in shit I wanted nothing to do with at that point. Sure at first having everyone excited about what “the kid” could do, made me feel like a king. But soon admiration turned into expectations. And expectations turned into more jobs. Which turned into me losing my childhood way too soon.

  “I don’t understand.” Hadley’s voice broke through my thoughts.

  “My dad. He hasn’t mentioned her in years. Then, out of the blue, he did. It just kind of fucked with my head.”

  I could see her nod out of the corner of my eyes, as if she understood. “Can I see a picture of her?”

  “I don’t have one.”

  “None?”

  I shook my head. “Lost in the move.” She didn’t need to know which move. It’s not like I even remembered.

  Hadley finished off her cone then wiped her lips with her napkin. “Let’s go.”

  I thought she’d changed her mind about the carnival since it was only six o’clock, but within minutes, we were at her house. She led me through the elaborate foyer, our footsteps echoing off the high ceilings. If the house looked impressive from the outside, the inside was even more impressive. Everything was sleek and expensive. From the furniture to the art work, it all sat polished and orderly. We climbed the main staircase to the second floor. We passed the first open door on the right. “That’s my room.”

  “Will I be getting the tour?”

  She grinned. “Maybe later.”

  Yup. That’s all it took for my body to respond. Especially with her parents away and knowing we had the entire house to ourselves. I slowed up, readjusting myself in my jeans until we stopped at the next room. That door was open, too, but it was completely dark inside. Hadley switched on the light. I stood in awe as my eyes absorbed the colorful paintings and drawings of people, landscapes, and abstract shapes filling the walls.

  An easel sat by the window overlooking the backyard. Carts filled with paints, pencils, chalk, and charcoal sat beside it. Hadley pointed to a sofa pushed against the inside wall. “Sit.”