Hartstrings: A Jaded Regret Novel (Jaded Regret Series Book 3)

by L. L. Collins

  My throat dried out, and I found it difficult to answer him, so I nodded. Tanner set me gently on his bed. It was exquisitely soft. He had moved the dark blue bedding back, and I felt the silky sheets underneath me.

  “Do you want me to get you some pajamas from your room?”

  I nodded, still unable to respond. He left the room, and I put my hands to my face.

  Holy shit.

  I was in Tanner Hart’s bed.

  My friend.

  My very hot, sexy, and amazing friend.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Tanner

  It was time to wake Mac up to make sure she was okay, but I stared at her instead. The moonlight came through the slats on my blinds, reflecting on her face. Without makeup on, you could just make out the remnants of the bruises Andrew inflicted last time. Otherwise, her skin was flawless.

  I studied her long eyelashes, fanned out on her face as she slept. My gaze fell on her lips, and I thought about when my lips brushed hers in the hospital. She was as shocked as I was when I did it, but she didn’t push me away or act appalled. Something came over me, and I couldn’t stop it from happening.

  I thought back to Bex’s warning, and I smiled. That woman always had a read on everyone. It seemed like she was psychic or something.

  The realization hit me like I got smacked in the head with a two by four.

  Mac was more to me than a friend.

  She was everything to me.

  And I was an idiot.

  Neither of us were in any place to have feelings. She had to learn to stand on her own two feet after Andrew, and I had to get my head straight and find out what happened with Tracey.

  My heart didn’t care about any of that.

  There was no way I could complicate her life by acting on how I felt. Hell, I didn’t know how to do this. As I thought about the few months since I met her, I wondered why I hadn’t figured it out before now.

  The second I met her, everything that had made up my life to that point had changed. She became my priority. She was the reason my head wasn’t in the game while playing. She was the reason for my libido taking a hiatus.

  She was the reason.

  I told myself it was to keep her safe and to get her away from Andrew, and part of that was true.

  But that wasn’t it.

  She made me feel alive. Mackenzie Shepard didn’t realize how special she was. How talking to her made my entire day. And her being here in this house? I felt complete.

  I blew out a breath as my heart pounded in my chest. I watched her lips as she breathed, fighting the urge to kiss her again. Her blond hair fanned out behind her, curling around my pillow.

  My pillow.

  She was in my bed, and I liked it.

  I wanted her here every fucking night.

  What was I doing? This wasn’t me.

  I sat up, my thoughts officially scaring me. I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. Flipping the light on, I stared at my reflection. I was tired from staying up most of the night worrying about her, but you couldn’t tell. My eyes were wide and bright. I studied myself in the mirror, wondering what Mackenzie saw when she looked at me.

  I knew what most women thought of me. I knew Mackenzie thought I was hot, as she put it.

  But did she see me? Was she attracted to me?

  I cringed, for the first time regretting the shenanigans from years past.

  You’re getting way ahead of yourself, I thought. Put the Tanner train on slow, dude.

  I forced myself to shut the light off and walk back to Mackenzie. I sat on the edge of the bed and shook her gently as I had three other times already tonight. The poor woman was exhausted and in pain, but she never complained.

  She opened her eyes and smiled at me. “Hey.”

  “Time to check on your noggin. How are you?”

  She reached out, and her fingers landed on my bare chest. I sucked in a breath, wondering if she was conscious enough to realize she was touching me. Her fingertips blazed a path down my muscles until she stopped abruptly on my abs.

  I wasn’t breathing, waiting.

  She withdrew her hand and tucked it under her face, her eyes closed once again.

  “Mac. Look at me and tell me you’re okay.” I was convinced she touched me without realizing it.

  It took a few more times of rousing her before she spoke. “My head hurts.”

  “I think you should stay awake for a few minutes. It took me a lot longer that time to wake you up.” And you gave me an intense hard-on in the process. Thankfully, he was tamed now.

  She nodded, and I helped her sit up. I didn’t miss the wince that crossed her face. “Let me get you a pain pill.”

  “Tanner?” We sat up in bed, drinking coffee in a comfortable silence when she said my name.

  “Yeah, Mac?”

  “Will you tell me about Tracey?”

  My hand shook, the coffee in the cup almost splashing over the edge. It felt so strange for someone to ask me about her because no one in my life knew she ever existed.

  Except Mac.

  “You don’t have to.”

  I set the cup on my nightstand and turned back to her. “I want to. It’s so foreign to me because I’ve hidden her from my life for so long.”

  “I want to get into that some time too, Tanner. Why doesn’t your band know anything about her?”

  “I never wanted anyone to know.”

  She nodded. “I can understand that.”

  I knew she could. We sat in silence for another minute, both of us lost in our thoughts.

  “I know surface things about her, from my research. But I want you to tell me about her. Anytime I’m working on a case, I like to know as much as I can personally about the people. Well, unless it’s a cheating case. Then I don’t want to know the things they tell me.” She chuckled, and I followed.

  “Tracey is my twin. We were as close as two people could be. We had a rough home life, so it was her and me against the world.”

  “What does that mean exactly?”

  I knew she would ask that. I didn’t think it was the right time to tell her about my background. Not in her current state.

  “I’ll tell you about that. I will. Just not right now.”

  She nodded. “Okay. I can understand. So you had a rough life, and the two of you were inseparable.”

  “Yes. We did everything together. She was quite the tomboy, so that suited me fine. We spent our days outside, staying away from home as long as we could. Many times we went to our neighbor’s house. He’s the one who taught me to play bass guitar. He was our escape. I think he knew things weren’t good for us at home, so he helped as much as he could.”

  I opened up a million different questions there, but Mac didn’t ask.

  “We were in the same class our entire education until high school. But even then, she would come with me every day to practice with my band. She wasn’t interested in playing, but she supported me in everything I did.” I cleared my throat. It felt…great to talk about her. God, I missed her so damn much.

  “It kills you, not knowing where she is.” Mac’s voice was soft, and she reached over and wrapped her fingers around mine.

  “Every second of every day. It’s been twelve years, Mac. Years. How is it possible someone can disappear for that long without a trace?”

  “We’re going to find out what happened.” She caressed my fingers with hers in reassurance. “Tell me about the day she disappeared. Don’t leave anything out.”

  I was immediately back there, waiting for Tracey after school. Coming home and finding the house empty, all of her stuff gone. “The night before, she told me Nicholas had a way for us to get out of our life. He was my friend and her new boyfriend. I was very protective and didn’t want her to be with him—plus, she told him things no one should know about our life.

  “Then, the next day, she wasn’t waiting for me outside the school. She always walked with me home, no matter what. I figured she went with
Nicholas instead, and I was hurt. I walked home myself and went in the house. When I realized my mom wasn’t home, I thought it was strange.”

  “Your mom was always home?”

  “Always. She hadn’t worked since we were born, and I swore she only left the house to go to the grocery store. There had never been a day I came home from school and she wasn’t there. Not in sixteen years.”

  “Go on. This is great. Give me as much detail as you can.”

  I realized Mac wasn’t ever going to understand the gravity of this situation unless I told her the truth. “I have to tell you something, but I’ve never told anyone this before. Anyone. I don’t want you to think differently of me.”

  Her brow furrowed, and she sat up straighter. “Tanner, nothing you say could change how I think about you. You’re the greatest thing ever to happen to me. Besides, I’ve read intimate details about your sex life. Remember this?”

  Dread settled in my stomach at her words. She would never see me as anything else but the manwhore I made myself into.

  It was probably better that way anyway.

  “True. But still…”

  The smile disappeared from her face. “I’m sorry. I took something serious and made a crass joke out of it. Please forgive me. I’m listening.”

  I steeled myself, willing the words to come out of my mouth. I looked away from her, her waiting gaze too much for me to handle. “My father beat my mother. We lived in an abusive home.” I figured she may have assumed this since she knew my father was in prison for murdering my mother, but I knew hearing the words was something different entirely.

  Mac was quiet, and I finally got the nerve to look up at her. Tears streaked down her face. Shit. I upset her.

  “Mac, I’m—”

  She held up her hand, silencing me. “Oh God, Tanner. I’m sorry. No wonder you…” Mac shook her head. “That’s why you got involved with me. All of this—” she indicated herself. “It’s like being back in your childhood. You couldn’t save her, so you saved me.”

  How did I explain to her that yes, that’s what started this entire thing, but now it was so much more than that?

  I couldn’t. She wasn’t ready for that truth.

  “I left the house. I couldn’t stand living there once Tracey was gone. Things with my dad escalated with the stress of not knowing where she was.” Now that I started, I couldn’t stop the words from pouring out. “It’s my fault he killed her.”

  “How is it your fault?” She shook her head. “It’s not your fault. You were a child.”

  “I was old enough to call the police and get her help. She wasn’t strong enough to get out of that relationship. I knew it was bad. I couldn’t deal with losing my sister and so I ran. If I would’ve been there…”

  “Then he may have killed you too.” Mac moved closer to me and kneeled in front of me. “You can’t blame yourself.”

  “I hated her. I hated her for making us grow up in a house like that. I wanted her to be stronger. Even when I visited her grave before moving to Florida, I hated her. I asked her why she couldn’t leave. I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand.” My throat closed up, cutting off my ability to speak.

  I didn’t understand until now. Until seeing Mac struggling with the psychological control someone like that has over them. It wasn’t just the physical abuse. It was the emotional control.

  “She understood,” Mac murmured. “She knew you loved her. And she loved you.”

  “I always thought if she loved us, she’d take us and leave. But I see it now. He kept her weak. He wouldn’t let her work, so she had no skills or ability to leave. He left her locked in that house, so she was always at his mercy. God, I was so stupid.”

  “No, you weren’t. You were a child. A child isn’t supposed to understand these things.” Mac paused. “Maybe it was a blessing that I lost the baby. I’d never want to subject a child to that, and there’s no way he would’ve ever let me leave if I had his baby.”

  I moved before my rational brain could stop me from doing it. I turned her face gently, so we stared into each other’s eyes. She blinked away the tears that remained and gave me a small smile.

  “Thank you for telling me that. I know it was so hard. Harder than anything you’ve done in a long time.”

  I nodded. “It was.” I didn’t recognize the rasp my voice took on. “But I know you understand. I’m glad it was you that I shared it with. But I want you to know something.”

  Don’t do it Tanner. You’ll regret it! My subconscious screamed at me, but I was too far gone. “I don’t want to take care of you because of my past. It may have started off that way. I couldn’t bear to leave you in that situation knowing what I knew. But now—” I cleared my throat and moved my hand so it rested on her cheek. My thumb moved back and forth on her smooth skin, and the air changed between us. She knew it, and I knew it.

  “It’s not like that anymore.” My voice was hoarse and unlike me. She opened her mouth but then closed it again. The questions hung between us, heavy and foreboding.

  “Tanner.” Her voice was barely audible. The two syllables of my name falling from her lips ignited a hunger in me.

  I crashed my lips to hers, and she whimpered. I held her head delicately in my hands as my tongue pushed at her lips. She opened willingly and the second her warm tongue touched mine, I was gone. I tilted my head to deepen the kiss, and she met me match for match. Her hands came up and touched my face, and we both opened our eyes. The kiss intensified, but we kept our gaze locked on each other. Her small moans fueled me. I tried to be gentle because of her injury, but I’d never wanted something more in my life.

  She tasted like fucking heaven and felt better. Neither of us went any further, but we kissed for so long I never wanted it to end. Mac shifted so she was on my lap and we pulled apart, both of us breathing heavily. I knew I had to stop before I went too far. I was well known for that for a reason. After weeks of dormancy, he was awake and ready.

  I wanted her to say something. Anything. I felt like an idiot like she would go running for the hills at my advances. Did I misread her? No. She kissed me back. The whole time.

  “Mac.” I was the one to break the silence. “Are you mad at me?”

  Her eyes twinkled with amusement. “Mad? Are you serious?”

  “I’ll say I’m sorry if you want me to, but I’m not sorry. Not at all. I think I wanted to do that for a very long time.”

  Mac reached for my face and ran her fingers along my cheeks, down my jaw and stopped at my lips. “Is this really happening?”

  “I know you have a lot to deal with. Shit, I’m probably way out of line here. But you aren’t just my friend, Mac. I look at you and see…everything.”

  “You look at me and see everything,” Mac repeated. She shook her head. “I can’t understand that. Why me, Tanner? When all those girls—”

  “They mean nothing.” I interrupted. “My whole adult life, I’ve been existing. Much like you. We have more in common than I think you realize. For you, you resigned yourself to the fact that you would be stuck with Andrew forever. For me, I resigned myself to the fact that no one would ever know the stuff I carried inside, and for that reason, I wouldn’t allow myself to get close to anyone. Until you. You did something to me from the first night we met each other. Why you, Mac? Why not you? It’s my goal in life to have you see yourself the way I see you.”

  “But the girls…”

  “I haven’t slept with anyone since we met. I can’t change who I was before you. I was always trying to escape and keep up the persona I built.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “But…”

  “You saw all the stories. I know. I did that on purpose. I don’t want to get into all the details of that, but I promise you, Mac. The only action I’ve gotten has been with my hand.”

  She giggled, and the sound hit me directly in the chest. “Tanner…I…I’m not sure what to say to all this. I’m overwhelmed.”

  “Come here.” I shi
fted both of us so we lay back on the bed. It was still early, the sun not close to the horizon yet. “Let’s rest. You need your rest.”

  Within moments, her body relaxed and her breathing evened out. I lay there for a long time, my heart and head simultaneously spinning with what was going on here.

  * * *

  I walked in from the garage, my shirt soaked from working out. I had any and all equipment that I needed out there to work out, and I used it daily when we were home.

  We had practice today. After nearly two weeks off, it was time to get going on some new material. Beau and Bex were busy during our break writing song after song. We would preview them today and try out some of the tracks. I loved this part of music.

  We weren’t touring for about six months, thankfully. Kai, our new rep, planned our longest tour yet. This time, we would spend the last month of our tour in Europe. Before then, we planned to release our junior album which was yet to be named.

  I already dreaded it.

  As much as I loved what I did, being away for months was beyond challenging.

  What would happen to Mac in that time?

  Would she still be part of my life, or would she go back home?

  Home. I lived with the fear daily that Andrew would convince her to go back to him, despite what she told me.

  I knew it was one thing to say it and a whole other to follow through with it.

  For now, he was out on bail and back home with his daddy, from what we heard. Mac worked out of my home office, and things with her dad were calm. Andrew hadn’t done anything to hurt her dad, though we still didn’t put it past him. They were investigating what he could have on him, but they hadn’t found a thing.

  Mac’s head healed well, and she got the staples out a few days ago. She would get her casts off in a week or two and then there would be no trace of Andrew left.

  I hadn’t made any advances on her since that night, deciding it was best to let things lie for a while. Mac had a lot to deal with.

  She did, however, sleep wrapped in my arms every night, so there was that.

  “Hey, you!” I jumped at Mac’s voice. “Sorry! I thought you saw me.” She laughed when I stuck my tongue out at her and came into the kitchen. I leaned against the island, watching her.