Hartstrings: A Jaded Regret Novel (Jaded Regret Series Book 3)

by L. L. Collins

  I stopped at the door and turned back. “Thank you both. I don’t know what would’ve happened without you. Can you call a band meeting for tomorrow? It’s about time I tell you guys everything.”

  Bex nodded. “You got it.”

  The second AJ spotted me he nodded toward the vehicle, knowing.

  I may have royally screwed this up.

  * * *

  AJ was silent most of the way there, asking only why the hell I went out without calling him.

  When we pulled into the driveway, I jumped out of the vehicle and ran for the door, flinging it open. “Mac?” I walked to the kitchen. It was clean, but Mac wasn’t there. It was one of her things. She couldn’t leave the kitchen dirty. Ever. I couldn’t care less about it, but old habits died hard with her.

  I walked to the guest room and stopped short. The neatly made bed caught my attention first, which wasn’t a big deal because she hadn’t slept in here in weeks. But her stuff was gone. Once filled with hair products and makeup, the dresser top was empty. I flung open the walk-in closet and noticed the empty hangers.

  Mac was gone.

  Flashes of Tracey filled my mind, and I leaned against the doorjamb of the guest room. What if Andrew came and got her? What if she wasn’t safe?

  I ran for my phone, yelling for AJ. He appeared almost instantly. “We have to find Mac. She’s gone.”

  I followed him back out to the SUV, and he peeled out. “Where to?”

  Her phone went straight to voicemail. “FUCK!” I threw it on the seat before picking it right back up. “I don’t know. I’m hoping she didn’t fucking go home.”

  AJ glanced at me in the rearview mirror. His expression said it all.

  “I know, dude. I know. I fucked this up. I’m a moron.”

  He laughed. “Well, as long as you know that.”

  I hit Natalie’s number on my phone. I hoped she knew where Mac went. What if she won’t tell you?

  “Tanner,” Natalie answered.

  “Nat! Please tell me you know where Mac is.”

  She was silent, and in that moment of hesitation I knew. She did know where she was.

  “Please tell me she didn’t go back home.”

  “She didn’t.”

  “Natalie, please. I was an asshole, but it isn’t what it looks like. I need to talk to her and explain.”

  “Explain what? That you went out and got trashed and went right back to the lifestyle you’re known for while she was at your house wondering where the hell you were?”

  The proverbial light bulb went off in my head. Bingo. She was with Natalie. I put my hand over the bottom of the phone. “Go to Natalie’s house. That’s where she is.” AJ swung the vehicle around and headed the opposite direction.

  Of course, Natalie didn’t understand, and as upset as Mac more than likely was, she wouldn’t tell her. I knew she wouldn’t.

  “There’s so much you don’t understand.”

  “Well, I know Mackenzie called me last night terrified and upset that you left and wouldn’t answer your phone. I also understand she was up all night as the news feeds updated with your shenanigans. Do you know I’m the only reason she didn’t go back home last night?”

  “To Andrew?” No. There was no damn way.

  “No, Tanner. Home to stay with her dad. She felt like maybe this wasn’t the place for her after all, that she needed to give you some space…”

  I blew out a breath. Thank God she hadn’t left. “Nat, I promise I’ll explain. I will. You guys deserve to know everything that’s going on with me.” AJ hauled ass, and I knew we would be there in mere minutes. “I’m coming over.”

  Natalie sighed. “Tanner, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  “Nat, you know I love you, but you have no idea what you’re talking about. I need to set things straight with Mac, and I know she’s there.”

  “She’s been through so much, Tan. You know this. While she’s come a long way in so many things, there are so many others she’s too fragile in still. I don’t understand why you would do this to her after everything.”

  “I know. I do. I’ll be there soon, okay? Please make sure she doesn’t leave.”

  “She finally fell asleep. She’s not going anywhere.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Mackenzie

  I rolled over and stretched, wondering what woke me up. For a moment, I was confused on where I was until the last twenty-four hours came flooding back to me.

  Tanner's father murdered his sister. I came home and had to tell him. He went off on a drunken binge that was now plastered all over social media and slept with half of Florida. He left me at home while he did all of this, worried to death about where he went and if he was okay. Natalie brought me to her house so I wouldn’t go back home and stay with my dad.

  I glanced at the bedside clock, wondering how long I slept when I heard a noise from the family room. I sat up and ran my fingers through my long hair. I wrapped it into a messy bun and secured it with an elastic band I kept on my wrist. The noise got louder, and I realized that it was a voice. A voice that wasn’t Natalie’s.

  I peered out of the blinds and saw AJ’s SUV in the driveway. Tanner was here. I should’ve known. Did I want to talk to him? What did I have to say? Did I want to hear his excuses?

  I blew out a breath and headed for the door. Despite how upset I was about his behavior last night, I didn’t own him. And if there was anything I learned over the last few months, it was that no one owned anyone. Plus, it wasn’t like we were together or anything. Though we blurred the lines, we weren’t anything official, and I had no claim on what he did.

  It didn’t stop it from hurting, but it was the truth. Staying with Tanner was probably a bad idea. He wasn’t interested in something with me, hell, with anyone, and I needed to continue down the path of finding myself on this new journey I was on.

  We could stay friends, but I had to draw the line. I would stay with Natalie until I decided what to do.

  The second I stepped into the room, Tanner stopped mid-sentence. Seeing him made my emotions go haywire. On one hand, I was mad at him for the way he left. I was relieved to see him in one piece. And my damn heart skipped a beat at the way his vibrant blue eyes raked up and down my body before they landed on my face.

  “Mac.” He stepped forward and wrapped me in his arms. I let him because I wasn’t sure how to deny him and more sure I didn’t want to deny him. I felt his firm chest against my face, and I instinctively turned my head so I could rest my head on it. My arms wrapped around his torso. I breathed out, taking in the smell and familiarity of him. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured into my hair. “Please let me explain.”

  I knew I needed him to explain. Maybe it would help me understand exactly what went through his head last night. I knew the information I told him was life changing and the worst news he could’ve gotten, but his reaction was extreme and disappointing.

  “Let’s go out on the porch. If you don’t mind, Natalie?”

  Natalie smiled at me. We were up most of the night, talking about my feelings, about what happened with Andrew, what was happening with Tanner, and what I wanted to happen in the future. She was the most supportive friend, never judging or passing her opinions on to me. She just listened. “Of course, Mac. You okay?” I knew what she meant. She wanted to know if I was okay with Tanner by myself.

  “I’m good, Natalie. Thank you.”

  Natalie turned to Tanner. “I’m leaving to run some errands. We have a band meeting tomorrow, right?” He nodded. “Okay, I’ll see you then. Try to stay out of the tabloids, okay?”

  Tanner and I walked out onto the back porch without a word. His hand hovered lightly on my back. We settled in two lounge chairs overlooking Natalie’s lush lawn. Palm trees and flowers gave it a homey, beach-like feel.

  “First of all.” Tanner jumped right in, and I was glad. “I want you to know one major thing about last night. I did not sleep with any of those girls, despite the rumors.�
��

  I lifted an eyebrow at him. I wanted to tease him, but I knew it wasn’t the time or place. “Is that so? There were quite a few detailed accounts of your…”

  Tanner had the decency to seem embarrassed. “Mac, I promise.”

  “You were drunk.” It wasn’t a question. We both knew he was.

  “Yes. I was. But I wasn’t too drunk to know what I did. I did not do anything but take selfies and shots with those girls.”

  I sighed. “It doesn’t matter, Tanner. Does it? I have no claim to you.”

  His expression fell, and he dropped his gaze to his hands. Dammit. I hurt his feelings.

  “It matters to me.” Tanner still looked at his hands, but I heard him loud and clear. “I handled everything last night wrong, Mac. I didn’t know how to process the information you told me, so instead of being a man and working it out, I escaped. I wanted to get so drunk I would forget that my dad not only killed my mother, but also my sister.”

  “Did it work?”

  This time, he lifted his head and his gaze met mine. “No. My dad killed my sister, Mac. He knew exactly where she was and what happened to her, and he let us wonder all these years.” Tanner’s voice broke, and he covered his face with his hands. "I just wanted to forget."

  I knew all about forgetting. Or wanting to forget.

  I reached out and put my hand on his forearm. “I know, Tanner. I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you. I knew I would forever change your life. Now every time you see me, you’ll remember what I told you. I wish I could take all of this away from you. But I can’t.”

  He lifted his head and smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. When Tanner was happy, his whole face smiled. His eyes crinkled in the corners and the blue sparkled. Not this time.

  “That’s exactly how I feel about you and the stuff with Andrew.” Tanner paused and took my hand in his. “And you’re wrong.”

  “Wrong?”

  “I don’t look at you and think only about what you told me. Mac, I’m so damn sorry. I handled things so poorly. Believe me; I already got a tongue lashing by Johnny and Bex. I don’t excuse what I did. I went out and got so drunk, I woke up this morning not remembering how I got to Johnny’s house.”

  “So it’s possible you did sleep with one of the girls.” I regretted saying it the second it came out.

  “No. I didn’t. I never left the table at the club. I promise.” He scrubbed his face with his hands. “I have no idea how I feel right now. Everything is so jumbled up inside. I feel like it’s that day twelve years ago all over again. She’s gone, for good this time, and I don’t know how to handle it. Please don’t make me lose you too, Mac. Please. I won’t survive it.”

  “You aren’t losing me, Tanner. You aren’t. I want you to deal with this horrible information you found out. I’ll be there for you every step of the way. It’s probably time you talk to someone, too. If you want, I’ll contact law enforcement up there and get her remains found and your dad charged with her murder. I’ll also leave it alone if you don’t want to dredge all this up. It’s like what you told me about Andrew when you said you have to learn how to stand on your own two feet. Now I’m telling you the same. We both have some stuff to work through. Some big things. And we can be there for each other because we’re friends, and that’s what friends do.”

  I knew, despite my intentions, that I hurt his feelings. I knew what he wanted me to say, but for the first time in my life, I thought about what I needed. I needed to heal from Andrew and find my place in life. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do for a career and where I wanted to live.

  I couldn’t go from being in the shadow of one man to being in the shadow of another.

  “I’m telling the band tomorrow.”

  My mouth dropped open. “You are?” This was huge. Huger than huge.

  Tanner nodded. “Yes. They deserve to know. It’s about five years too late.”

  “Everything?”

  “Everything. I realized this morning that while I had the most epic of fucked-up family members in my life, I can’t let that determine who I am. My band is my family, and they deserve to know the truth.”

  “Wow. Tanner, that’s great. I’m happy to hear it.”

  “Will you be there with me? Please?”

  “Of course, I will be.”

  Tanner leaned over and wrapped me in a tight hug again. I melted into him, my body instantly relaxing at his touch. His hand caressed my neck, and I shivered.

  “Are you okay now?” I knew he stuffed a lot down because he wanted everyone to think he was fine.

  “I’m as okay as I’m going to be,” he said honestly.

  Another thing we had in common.

  “Do you forgive me?”

  I already had. “Of course.”

  “Will you come home? I need you in my arms tonight.”

  I tilted my head back, and the hope I saw in his expression made my stomach clench. “I can’t.”

  * * *

  I pulled into the studio, typed in the code to open the gate, parked and killed the engine of my rented car. I checked my reflection in the mirror and sighed. I was so tired. After refusing to go home with Tanner yesterday, he pretended he was fine, but I read between the lines.

  He thought I rejected him. While I felt bad about that, I couldn’t do something anymore because it was what someone else wanted. It was time for Mackenzie to be strong. Too bad being strong hurt someone else I cared about.

  When Tanner left, he kissed me softly on the lips and stared at me for so long I felt a slow burn churning from my gut all the way through my body. “I understand,” he’d said. “But I’m going to get you back.”

  Natalie and I talked again until the wee hours of the night. She reminded me so much of McKenzie. We talked about the feelings I had for Tanner and what to do about all the baggage we both have. She admitted to me that she had a thing for Tanner for years. I instantly felt terrible and told her so, but she said she didn’t tell me that to make me feel bad. She told me that because she knew Tanner wasn’t the one for her, but that he may be the one for me.

  That admission kept me up most of the night, tossing back and forth in the bed. Was she right? Did we belong together?

  Insecurity ate at me, and I wasn’t sure what to do. For so long, I thought Andrew loved me. He was my first everything, and I took what he said as gospel. That all turned on its head a few months ago when Tanner showed me that our relationship wasn’t at all what it was supposed to be.

  Andrew. Just the thought of his name sent a cold shiver down my spine, and I put my hand on my lower belly like I always did now when the memory assuaged me. The instant threat of tears reminded me that no matter how much time passed and how well my body healed, my heart would never get over losing our baby. The scars and bruises faded, the broken bones healed, but never would I forgive him for taking my chance to hold a baby of my own in my arms.

  Would I be showing now? Were you a boy or a girl? I barely had time to register I was going to be a mom before having to say goodbye. Dr. Mia and I talked about him or her every time we talked. She wanted me to find something that would help me come to terms with it, whether it was a headstone, a small figurine at home, or something else.

  I hadn’t been able to do anything but mourn so far. This part was hard for me to talk to Tanner about. Not because I didn’t think he would care, but because it felt strange talking to him about another man’s baby.

  I called the district attorney weekly to ask about updates on Andrew’s case. Of course, there was no progress. It was stalled, just like I knew it would be. His dad would pull out all the stops to make sure his baby boy never got in trouble so he could go right back to following in his crooked footsteps. I was shocked that Andrew left me alone to this point, but grateful as well. Maybe he finally got it.

  Tanner pulled in next to me, AJ in the driver’s seat as always. I couldn’t imagine being him. The media plastered every single thing he did on every singl
e news outlet and social site. He couldn’t walk into a grocery store or a club without it being news. A lot of that was his own doing, of course, but most if it had to do with being part of Jaded Regret. The rest of the band was already here because Heath stood outside, watching.

  I wondered if it ever got old, this lifestyle. If they sometimes wished for anonymity again. I knew they all loved playing, and it was their lifetime goal to be well known, but sometimes when you get what you want you realize it isn’t all it was cracked up to be.

  Tanner’s handsome face appeared at the car window, making me jump. He laughed and opened the car door. “Hey, beautiful.” He held out his hand, and I stepped out and right into his arms. The feel of his strong body wrapped around mine made me sigh in contentment. Tanner rested his chin on my head and breathed out slowly, neither of us saying a word.

  I saw AJ standing with Heath, both of them turned away from us. I wondered what those two men saw on a daily basis. The thought made a laugh bubble up in my chest.

  “What’s so funny?” The words reverberated through his chest, and I tipped my head back, squinting against the bright Florida sunlight.

  “Nothing.”

  His gaze fell on my lips, and I sucked in a breath. God, I loved kissing him. I could only imagine what else…

  No. Don’t think like that.

  His lips turned up in that smirk I loved so much, and he dug his fingers lightly into my ribs. I squealed, trying to get away. “Are you sure it’s nothing?”

  “Y-yes! Stop, Tanner!” The second I said that he dropped his fingers. I loved that about him. Though we were playing with each other, he also respected my boundaries. I smiled, showing him I was okay. “Are you ready for this?”

  He cupped my face in his hands. “With you by my side, I’m ready for anything.”

  It felt like someone sucker punched me in the gut. Did he mean that?

  “I mean that,” he said, reading my mind. “Every single word. I know I screwed up and lost your trust. I’m going to get it back, Mac. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. A few months ago you would’ve never told me no. Even though I was sad and lonely last night, I respect you for standing up for yourself. Feel free to put me in my place anytime.” He smirked. “You can put me in my place when you’re at my house in my arms, too.”