The Afterworld

by Joanne Sexton

  I check the time. I have about an hour till I need to meet her, so I go and shower.

  Cally is already at the café when I arrive. She waves enthusiastically at me, her strawberry blonde curls dancing around her face. Her green eyes light up and for the first time in weeks I feel better, happier.

  I did the right thing texting her. I need my friends right now. Matty consumed most of my life and I only have a couple of friends outside of us. We really did spend a lot of time together forsaking all others.

  I slide into the chair opposite to her and beam.

  “Hey,” she says. “I’m glad you contacted me. I’ve missed you. It hasn’t been the same at work. The new girl they hired is soooo boring.”

  I laugh, joy filling my heart. “I’ve missed you too.”

  “So, how are you? The last time I saw you, you weren’t doing so well.”

  “No, I wasn’t doing too well at all.”

  A waitress appears, and I quickly scour the menu. I choose a focaccia and a cappuccino and Cally orders pasta and black coffee.

  “Do you want to talk about what’s been happening with you?”

  At first, I hesitate. I’m not sure if I want my friend to know exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m ashamed of the person I became, but I can’t really explain about Matty if I omit the details of The Afterworld.

  Taking a deep breath, I take the plunge. It all flows out. My friendship with Matty for the last fifteen years, the club, my STD, the lot. She listens with wide, understanding eyes and I can tell she isn’t judging me.

  By the time I finish our lunch has arrived. Feeling embarrassed, vulnerable, I concentrate on the plate in front of me and start eating.

  “Wow, you’ve really been through a lot,” Cally says after the waitress leaves. “You must really miss him.”

  “I do, so much, but all I see when I look at him … all those girls … I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to wipe away that image. I love him so much, but I don’t think he loves me the same. I’m still in the friend zone with him. If he feels as I do, it would’ve been hard for him to see me with other men, but it didn’t seem to bother him.”

  “Maybe he just hid it well. He didn’t take you asking for space very well, did he?”

  “No, he seemed upset.”

  “Maybe his feelings do run deep.”

  “It might be that we’ve been friends so long and he doesn’t want to lose it. We did spend a lot of time together and for fifteen years. It’s been a huge adjustment. It just hurts so much to be around him and not be with him. I think I’ve always been in love with him, I just didn’t realise I am. Seeing him with other women … it brought it out.”

  “Men seem to have trouble expressing themselves. Maybe like you, he feels it, but doesn’t realise what it is, like you didn’t.”

  “I wish that were true. I told him I love him, but he ignored it.”

  “Maybe it didn’t sink in. You were telling him to give you space and maybe that was all he heard because it was hard for him to hear. Why don’t you talk to him again?”

  “I’m not sure I can handle the rejection. I miss him a lot.”

  “Then maybe the friendship, if nothing else, is worth fighting for.”

  “It’s still too raw right now.”

  “Give it time, you might feel better about it the more you miss him.”

  I nod, then we eat in silence. I’m so glad I asked Cally to lunch; it’s just what I need.

  My mobile rings as I’m unlocking the door. I push open the door, shut it with my foot and search for my phone in my bag. It’s an unknown number.

  “Hello.”

  “Good afternoon, is this Lucy Spencer?”

  “Yes.”

  “My name is Andrew Weber from Jackson and Partners. You applied for a legal secretary position?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “We would like you to come in for an interview tomorrow at ten.”

  “Yes, thank you, I’ll be there.”

  “Excellent, we’ll see you then, Miss Spencer.”

  “Thank you.”

  Once the call is ended, I jump up and down. I have an interview! Now to decide what to wear. My favourite black skirt suit will do the trick. I always feel confident when I wear it.

  I go to dial Matty’s number without thinking and stop myself before I hit the call button. I can’t ring him and share my news. I told him I needed space.

  Jubilation and heartache war inside my chest. I miss him so much.

  11

  A New Life

  First day jitters attack me when I wake Monday morning. A new job. New people. A new life.

  After my interview with Andrew Weber, I was offered the job. I went out to celebrate with Cally, but the hollow feeling of not having Matty there too dampened my excitement a little. I can’t think about that now. I must focus on my new life. Sheer willpower is keeping me going.

  On the train ride, I think about the new people I’m going to meet. I’m nervous about meeting new faces, but it would be nice to make some new friends. With Matty’s absence from my life I have more time. I need to fill that void. I need to keep busy or I will cave and call him, which would be a bad idea because things will never be the same. I’m still embarrassed about declaring my love with no return.

  I arrive at the station and walk the few blocks to my new office building. It’s on the third floor, so I head up in the elevator. Nerves shake my hands, but it will be okay. I can do this.

  I exit the lift into the reception area and I’m greeted by the same girl I met at my interview.

  “Good morning, Lucy,” she says with a smile.

  “Hi, Jade.”

  “Follow me.”

  She steps out from behind the desk and heads down a hallway. I follow behind with an eagerness to get started. We pass offices, one of which is Andrew’s. I assume these are the lawyer’s offices.

  At the end of the corridor, Jade turns left into an open plan office with a dozen desks lined up in three parallel rows. There are no booths or cubicles like my old job and I smile to myself. I didn’t like being in a box before. It was confining and stuffy. I’m loving this new layout.

  As we go by each secretary, I’m introduced. I try to remember as many names as I can, but it may take a few days to remember everyone. All the girls seem friendly and I feel at ease already.

  Jade walks to the end of one of the rows and points to the empty desk.

  “This desk is yours. The break room is on the right-hand side of the corridor we just walked up, and the bathroom is next to it. If you get lost, don’t hesitate to ask, we’re all happy to help you. We all have lunch at one, so I’ll see you then.”

  “Great, thanks, Jade.”

  She offers me another smile before going to back to reception. The supervisor walks towards me. Her desk is at the front of the rows facing towards us. It reminds me of a classroom.

  “In case you missed it, I’m Larissa. Welcome aboard,” she says with a smile.

  The friendly atmosphere is blowing away my nerves.

  “Thanks,” I answer with my own smile.

  “You’ve been assigned to Andrew, that’s why he interviewed you. Your work will be placed in this in tray each afternoon ready for the next day. As you can see, there is work here for you, ready to go.” She gestures to the inbox. “If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask.”

  “I will, thanks, Larissa.”

  “As Jade says, we have lunch at one. We usually all have lunch together in the break room as we think it is good for workers to socialise together, so we have a good rapport. We sometimes need to help each other out with workloads, so it’s best for us to have a good working environment.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “I’ll let you get started. Welcome aboard.”

  I knuckle down and get into the swing of it again. If feels great to be working and, before I know it, it’s lunchtime. I’d made a sandwich, so that works out perfectly to have lunch w
ith the others in the break room.

  Over lunch there is light-hearted banter around the table. As it’s Monday, the girls are regaling each other with their weekend. They also include me by asking questions. I immediately feel right at home.

  This job is definitely going to be better than my last one and it’s the only good thing to come out of my adventures at The Afterworld.

  Matty

  12

  My Girl

  Lucy asked me to give her space and it’s killing me. I go to call her every day, but stop myself. If I go against her wishes I may have no hope of ever getting her back into my life again. She said she loved me and I didn’t reciprocate. I love her more than I can ever put into words and I do just that, not put it into words. She must feel so rejected. She sees me differently now because of all that happened.

  Depression entices me to keep going to the club that destroyed my relationship with the only girl I have ever and will ever love. I go through the motions, but all I can think about is her.

  Her dark waves, her deep blue eyes, her long, lean legs, the dimple in one cheek when she smiles. Why didn’t I tell her I love her too? I was scared; shocked that she may be in love with me as I am with her. I’ve always known about my feelings for her, but it seemed to surprise her when she said the words as though she hadn’t realised she loved me more than a friend. And I did nothing!

  Then, on top of all that, she has an STD. I put her health at risk. I encouraged her to keep going even though I knew it was destroying her. My addiction ignored her descent into melancholy. Her addiction was strong as mine until it broke her.

  I will never forgive myself for all of it, but I’m so damn depressed I keep going back to try and get a buzz. Each morning I struggle to get out of bed, tired, strung out. As it had her, it’s affecting my work and, although I run my own business, I’m risking losing clients. I’ve been putting off jobs and jeopardising my livelihood, just as Lucy had hers. I hope she finds another job and sorts herself out. I’ll feel better about it all if I know she’s getting her life on track again.

  I miss her laugh. I miss kissing her. Holding her. Making love to her. Sex with her had been great from the beginning and until The Afterworld, she was the only one. No one compares to her. The cheap thrills at the club, sowing my preverbal oats doesn’t compare to us. We make love. This is meaningless sex. Meaningless sex that drove away the love of my life.

  Seeing her with other men was difficult, but it hasn’t changed how I see her as it has with her. She can’t look at me the same and I don’t blame her. I want to wring the neck of every guy that touched her, yet I did nothing. I should stop going. I should go to her house and declare my undying love for her, but I’m a coward. What if she rejects my love?

  I’m lost, scared, hurting, and I have no idea how to fix the mess I’ve made.

  The first thing is to stop going to the club. Something I should’ve done straight away. I need to shake off the image she has of me and create a new one. The image of the man that’s in love with her. Let her see me, my vulnerability, my deep intense love for her. To show her I can make love and forget about the others who meant nothing. Show her I can love like I never have before.

  I must tell her I love her. Tell her how I ache for her. That I miss her and can’t live without her. To fix the mess I made.

  With hope in my heart, I shower, pull on some jeans and her favourite t-shirt.

  I jump in my car determined to win her back.

  Lucy

  13

  The Love of My Life

  I’m watching an 80’s movie with a glass of wine and my favourite pasta dish when the doorbell rings.

  When I pull open the door, the love of my life stands before me. The man I loved as a boy and now love as a man. He has a key, but he rang the doorbell. Being the gentleman I know he can be. Not storming in and invading my space. He respects my need to recover without him and at this point I give him credit for it.

  Even though I’m still mad at him, seeing him looking all dishevelled and handsome I can’t breathe. He has dark circles under his eyes and he looks strung out, like I would’ve looked before I walked away from it all. Is he ready to give up The Afterworld and be with me? Does he love me?

  I thought seeing him again would be hard, that I will only see the women he was with when I look at him, but it’s gone and all that is left is my love for him. He is the one.

  “Hi,” I squeak. “Do you want to come in?”

  He nods and steps inside. I gesture for him to follow me into the lounge. I sit down on the couch and he does too. His face is so pale, which is unusual for him, as he works outside and has a tan. He wipes his hands on his jeans as though they’re sweaty. He’s nervous. I go to say something, but he holds his hand up to stop me, so I wait.

  “I’m so sorry about everything. I thought you wanted to experiment. You always talked about how you felt you hadn’t really lived and that our love making was vanilla. Although I never saw us that way, I wanted to give you the opportunity to try new things. Then I got caught up in it all. Seeing you that way was a massive turn-on and I thought you were okay with it all. I see now that it was a bad idea. I love you, Lucy, I always have from the moment I met you. You were my first and I want you to be my last.”

  I swallow down a lump in my throat and try not to cry. His sincere words force everything away. The bad memories. The misery of life without him. The mistakes we both made. All I see now is the man I love telling me that he loves me.

  I don’t speak; I throw my arms around his neck, propelling him backwards, and capture his lips. The lips I’ve craved to kiss for weeks. It feels like home. It feels right. I want him to be my last too.

  My last everything.

  The End