Rock Me Slowly

by Dawn Sutherland

  “Those days are over now Mick and you know me better than anyone. I can’t hold a grudge, I just can’t. It’s not in me, we had too much of that shit growing up.” True that.

  “Oh Jasmine that’s what I love about you. You are so forgiving where as I would have just totally cut them off. There would have been no going back.” Not before I had cut off Josh’s balls first though. “So more to the point what the hell did you meet with Josh for?”

  “He phoned me up in a bit of a state if I’m honest. I knew as soon as I started talking to him that something was different. I just knew. Mickey he loves that girl, Sophie. He doesn’t realise it yet but he does. He was so animated when he was speaking about her. His face lights up at the mere mention of her name. It’s such a change from what he used to be like. All he cared about before was fucking then ditching them.” You can hear the smile through the phone from Jasmine.

  “I know he’s changed that’s why I’m having a hard time adjusting to it all. I don’t want to believe that Josh is capable of changing his ways. I want him to still act like the dick he was last year, it would make it so much easier to hate him. I want to hate him so bad for hurting you, for destroying the life you had built for yourself, for the future you were going to have. Then boom all of a sudden one night with him and you are this drug taking, fucked up little girl. It neared killed me Jasmine. I love you, you’re my sister.” I would do anything for her, and I mean anything.

  “Mick you can’t be there for me all the time. There is going to come a time when you can’t be there for me like now, now you are on tour it’s going to become impossible. I love you, you are my brother but there’s a limit to what you can do.”

  “When did you get so smart, huh?” Jasmine surprises and amazes me at every turn. Any guy that is lucky enough to get her is going to have their work cut out trying to impress me.

  “I’m not smart bro, just wise to everything now. Life’s too short we both know that. So come on tell me, did you really sleep with Sophie? I hope to god you didn’t. Even after everything that has happened I still don’t think you would do that. I hope.” This girl knows me too well. She can read me like an open book.

  “Oh Jasmine. No I didn’t sleep with her, I couldn’t do it. I wanted to, god I did, but I still see Josh as a brother to me. I still love him. I heard Sophie crying herself to sleep and the reason behind that was my fault too. I waited until she fell asleep and I crawled into bed with her with just my boxer briefs on. Josh woke up in the night and found us in bed together. He got the wrong idea but I didn’t put him right. In fact I more or less told him that we had sex.”

  I’m ashamed of myself for doing that but at the time I wanted to punish him for the mess he had left my sister in. I thought I was doing the right thing, I’m not too sure now.

  “Right so that being said, did you see Josh fuck that girl in the men’s room? I think I already know the answer to that one but I want to hear it from you.” Well it looks like Josh has told her everything. I can’t lie to Jasmine anyway.

  “No I didn’t. I had to make her think that Josh had cheated it was the only way I could get in-between the two of them. Before you start, no I’m not proud of myself but I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want what happened to you happening to Sophie.” My actions seemed harmless but I had good intentions really.

  “Look Mick I don’t really care what your reasons were behind this whole mess, just sort it before it really is too late. I know you still want to have Josh in your life despite what went on. There was a time when it was only you two. Just remember he was there for you during the whole mess back home. You need to fix it and you need to fix it now. I have forgiven him maybe it’s about time you do the same.” Jasmine tells me sternly. Jesus she is like a little mother hen always telling me what to do. Deep down though she makes a world of sense.

  “Jasmine what on earth would I do without you? You always make me see sense even when it’s right in front of my nose. God, anyone would think you were the older sibling. I laugh at how the roles have been reversed but it’s great to laugh about it all instead of all the tears that have been cried over it by both of us.

  “Right, get off the phone you sappy fool. Go and sort things out with your best friend. If I can forgive, you can too. I love you. Bye.” Jasmine clicks off the phone and I’m left to my thoughts.

  Now that Jasmine has spoken about the whole deal with Josh I feel bad. Really bad. How could I have been such a fool to break up such a great thing between two of the nicest people I have had the honour of knowing. Sophie makes me laugh and she has a heart of gold. She actually reminds me a lot of Jasmine. They both would do anything for anyone and they don’t have a bad bone in their body.

  I want to forgive Josh. I miss having my brother to talk to, I miss shooting the breeze with him, and I miss just having a beer with him. I miss him, period. That night I not only had to deal with a broken sister but I also had to deal with the fact my relationship with Josh was destroyed. That hurt me more than I could ever explain or say in words.

  I have known Josh since kindergarten and we have been there through thick and thin and I was devastated to lose that bond with him. It’s been a hard year in more ways than one. It’s very important to me to bury the hatchet with Josh. He’s my wingman, my brother and my friend. I need him.

  I ease into the entertainment room to find Josh talking to Blaine. I stand quietly by the door and listen to the conversation.

  “Look Blaine, I wouldn’t lie to you guys. I didn’t fuck her; I could never do that now. I’ve fallen too far for Sophie. It’s the real thing. I have never felt this way before. I love her and I want to be with her.” Josh says with a raw passion that I have only seen from him on stage.

  Shit.

  Sophie

  I keep questioning myself about last night. Josh apparently came into that bedroom and found Mickey and myself in bed together but that doesn’t make any sense to me. I would never have slept with Mickey, not when I was finally admitting to myself that I was in love with Josh. Hell, I still am. Josh has hurt me but I still want to be with him, I still want to share this crazy life with him and I still want to be the one that he shares his bed with at night.

  I sigh, how could I let this drag on like this. We have barely spoken to each other since the incident. We are both as stubborn as each other but we have to discuss what happened, there is no point in brushing it under the carpet. We need to address a few things like how he really feels about me or is it just pure attraction?

  I sit down on the sofa for a moment, I have been feeling rather ill today. If I stand up too quickly I feel so dizzy that I have to sit back down again. I have a sick feeling but I put it down to catching a bug with being on the bus so much. I hope it passes soon. I feel like crap.

  Josh has just come back on the bus from being god knows where. Josh has as being going AWOL the last two days and I wonder what the hell he has been getting up to. After his little encounter with that bitch in the men’s room, I’m beginning to think that he is reverting back to form. I have the sneaking suspicion that he is fucking his little groupies once again. It breaks my heart but I just have to tell myself that he obviously never felt anything for me at all. It doesn’t make it any easier but at least I know the truth now instead of later.

  Josh heads towards the bathroom and walks straight past me without so much as a second glance. He would have been as well stabbing me in the back. I feel like our short time together meant nothing to him and it stings. I love him and nothing is going to change that. Why the hell I had to fall for him I will never know.

  Where ever he has been he obviously feels the need to have a wash after it. He must have been with someone else. How fucking dare he? I am suddenly overcome with an untameable rage that is threatening to overwhelm me if I don’t take action.

  I force my way into the bathroom to come face to face with a naked Josh and I can feel the tears threatening their way to the surface. The sight of hi
s beautiful body is almost my undoing. The memories of us in here are so strong that I almost lose the fight in me. I can’t, this needs to be said.

  “You need to pull yourself together, mate. So much for your protestations of never cheating and always being there for me. Well, you have blown all that to hell haven’t you, you son of a bitch. I wanted you, really wanted you but you had to go and ruin it all by sleeping with the nearest skank that was in spitting distance. You ruined everything that we could have had. You ruined any chance of a normal relationship with me. You ruined something so perfect, something I was willing to take the biggest chance of my life on. I want to hate you but I just can’t!” I breathe deeply in an attempt to calm my frayed nerves.

  “What the hell are you talking about Sophie? Like I said the other night I never slept with her. Christ, I didn’t even want to kiss her let alone fuck her. You have a nerve coming in here and standing on a fucking pedestal. You slept with my band mate, with my friend, with my brother. You knew how things stood between Mickey and I but yet you jumped into bed as soon as things got a little rough!” Josh bellows through the hurt in his eyes.

  “I slept with Mickey?! Look I really don’t know where the hell you got that idea. I lay in my bed crying my damn eyes out after Mickey told me that you fucked that cheap groupie up against the men’s room wall. Yeah, so very classy Josh.” I kick the cabinet door in frustration. How can he still be maintaining that I slept with Mickey? I wouldn’t, I never. I know I never.

  “Well Soph, you didn’t exactly cry over me for long did you? What was it? Did Mickey offer you a shoulder to cry on, he felt sorry for you and you though why the hell not I’ll sleep with him. If you think he cares a shit about you then you are even more stupid than I thought.” That stung.

  “You bastard. How dare you! Unlike you I’m not that shallow and self-conscious to just fall into bed with the next available man. I respect myself too much, unlike you. Come on how many have you had since our break up? Fifty? A hundred? Lost count? I should of known you would revert back to form, huh?” The tears are now falling down my cheeks. I am unable to hold them back as our words become more and more heated.

  “Sophie I haven’t jumped into bed with anyone. I don’t need to. You on the other hand didn’t have that much self-respect when it came to Mickey did you? I really thought you were different. How wrong a guy can be.” Josh faces away from me and looks to the opposite wall and runs his hands through his spiked hair. I know he is hurting but he is trying to hide it. Why can’t he just give me some honesty! Urgh men!

  “Josh I’m not a slut. I don’t need to prove my worth or my so called talent and fame by jumping into bed with anyone. I am a strong and capable woman and I can manage perfectly well on my own. The thing that is killing me here though is the fact that I love you. I think I loved you the moment I walked onto this bus. There was just something about you, something I knew that would tear me open and leave me bleeding for all to see. I was right, I have been torn open and no matter what you did with that girl it doesn’t stop me from loving you dammit!” Plain and simple, he is the only one for me.

  “Oh god… Soph me too. Why didn’t you tell me this? I knew you were attracted to me but I didn’t know that it was love. I’m a man, it takes me a little longer to work these things out. What I don’t get is, if you love me why did you sleep with Mickey? That doesn’t make sense even to me.” God, does this man just not get it at all?

  “I didn’t sleep with him Josh, I swear. I could never do it to you.” How many more times do I have to say this before he finally believes me.

  Before Josh has a chance to answer me we are interrupted by a knock on the bathroom door. Josh eyes the door with pure contempt. “Go away. We are busy in case you hadn’t heard!” Josh shouts towards the door but the knocking doesn’t stop,

  “Let me in Josh. We need to talk. All three of us.” Mickey shouts back. Oh holy Mary. Can tonight get any more heated? If Josh lets Mickey in here all hell will break loose. There will be only one way that either Josh or Mickey will be leaving this bathroom and that will be via stretcher. Josh hates Mickey for telling me about that woman apparently sleeping with him and Mickey hates Josh for taking his sisters virginity.

  “Look Mick I don’t want to be anywhere near you right now. I can’t even breathe the same air as you!”

  “Look Josh just let me in. You don’t know everything, there’s things I haven’t told you yet. Just let me in and we can all talk about it. I really don’t want to tell you everything with a door in the way. Do you?” Mickey is sounding sincere and I personally would love to hear what he has to say about the whole thing.

  “Fine get your ass in here now. I can’t wait to hear what kind of bullshit that pours out of your mouth this time.” Josh stands with his arms crossed as Mickey walks into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him. Mickey edges closer to Josh and I.

  “I haven’t been completely truthful with either of you.” Oh crap. What now?

  Chapter 23

  Josh

  If this dick thinks he can mess with me some more he is in for a big shock. There is nothing more he can do to me that will hurt as much as him sleeping with Sophie. That’s a line that friends don’t cross and he has gone and done it. There is no going back from that, no way.

  “Look, when you slept with Jasmine I couldn’t bear what you had done to her and what you made her become. Seeing her so hurt and broken nearly killed me. She was my sister man, I love her. The way she turned to alcohol and drugs nearly killed her and I hated having to sit back and watch her falling deeper and deeper into that life was awful. God she even broke into houses to steal so that she had money for her fixes. I hated it!” Mickey can’t look either of us in the eye. What the hell is he getting at?

  “Look, I totally know I screwed up there. I regret it, I even went to see Jasmine so that I could apologise and show her how sorry I was and that if I could turn the clock back I would have done things different. I needed her to know that.”

  “Wait you went to see Jasmine? Is that where you have been the last couple of days?” Sophie asks inquisitively.

  “Yes Sophie I have been visiting Jasmine to make amends with her. I couldn’t leave things the way they were. As soon as I knew she was Mickey’s sister I knew I had to reach out to her. I was a dick last year. I wanted to prove to her and you that I was no longer that person. It seems it hasn’t made a bit of difference to you and Mickey.” This conversation is starting to frustrate me. I hate going over the same ground over and over. Sophie smiles at the knowledge. Pity it’s too late to sort things out between us.

  “Josh I never slept with Sophie. I wanted you to believe that I did, but honestly I didn’t. I heard Sophie crying herself to sleep so I waited until she was asleep and I slipped into her bed and just lay with her. Sophie didn’t actually know I was in bed with her though. I wanted you to hurt like I have been the past year. The look on your face told me everything I needed to know. You were hurt, in fact I would say you were dying inside. That’s exactly how I felt. You felt betrayed by us both, that is exactly what I felt!” Mickey raises his voice what seems like a complete octave. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. He lied about sleeping with my girl. He lied about it all! Damn him straight to hell. He has caused my girl so much suffering over the last couple of days and it has been all for nothing. I could kill him.

  “How the hell could you do that to her? You sat and watched her cry her eyes out and you knew you could put a stop to it and yet you let her put herself through that heartache. I can’t believe how stupid you can be at times.” I shake my head at his selfishness.

  “Oh, and Sophie I’m sorry I lied to you but Josh didn’t fuck that girl in the bathroom. I made it all up so that you would hate Josh and not want to be with him anymore. It’s not until I spoke to Jasmine that I realised that you two loved each other. Jasmine told me how much Josh had changed and I didn’t want to believe it. It made it so much easier to hate him if I thought he was
still the same old Josh. An asshole. It worked for a while until Jasmine gave me a dressing down for the way I have behaved. That girl really is smarter than me. I’m sorry guys, please don’t let me stand in the way of love. I know what I did was wrong and I’m sorry. I want us all to get on again. I’m sorry.” Just as Mickey edges away so that he can leave us again Sophie runs to the toilet and starts to heave violently.

  We both run to her to make sure she is okay. I hold her hair back while she continues to vomit into the toilet bowl. I wonder why she is so sick? Maybe she picked up food poisoning from somewhere.

  Eventually Sophie’s body finishes heaving and she looks exhausted. My poor baby. Even in the state she is in I love her deeply. I love her with everything I have. She’s amazing. I pat her forehead dry with a nearby towel.

  Sophie’s jaw drops and her eyes go wide and I wonder what’s wrong now.

  “What’s up baby? You okay?” She’s starting to scare me.

  “Uh… Mickey would you mind giving us a few minutes please?” Mickey leaves at Sophie’s request. Now I am getting scared.

  Sophie is in deep thought as I stare at her. “Come on Sophie speak to me. What’s wrong? I need to know.”

  “Josh I need you to go and get me something out of the nearest chemist.”

  “Anything baby. You sick? You need painkillers or something?” Sophie laughs at my question. Okay, so she’s a little delirious.

  “No Josh I don’t need painkillers. I need a mother fucking pregnancy test!” What.The.Hell? I thought she was on birth control?

  “Okay I’ll go, I’ll go. I’ll be right back okay. Just take it easy babe.” I rush out of the bathroom and run out of the bus for some fresh air before my brain explodes. I need to get to that chemist A.S.A.P before the shit hits the fan in that bathroom.