by Lark Maren
Chapter Twenty-Two
Tonya:
I liked watching her sleep. Call me a creep, call me a weirdo, I’ve been called worse. I liked the way she snored, almost like she was singing. I wondered what was going on in her mind when her eyelids fluttered or what she was grabbing for when her fingers began clenching. I never had this luxury before, a woman I was crazy about, a woman I wanted to experience everything in life with, a woman who fascinated and intrigued me every second of the day, whether she was telling me some wild story about her life or simply snoring away.
She made me soft. I quietly tiptoed through the room, getting dressed for my day on the construction site. I figured at the very least I needed to stick it out long enough to put my two weeks in formally. I still had faith in the football team position coming through. I still had faith in Ella’s vision. I still had bills to pay, too.
I grabbed my jeans and safety yellow t-shirt and tiptoed into the living room, softly pulling the door shut behind me. It was still pitch-black outside, and I stumbled in the dark, into the kitchen, when I noticed the sound of loud snoring coming from the couch.
“Mom?” I called out, wondering when she could’ve possibly snuck in. It’s not like she would’ve heard anything. She must’ve really been on a tear to not even make it to her bedroom. I flipped on the lights and realized it wasn’t my mother at all. Areal was sprawled out on the couch, a blanket draped over her. Her eyes blinked open and she sat bolt upright, clutching the blanket to her body. “It’s just me,” I assured her.
“Hey,” she whispered, her voice scratchy.
I ran over and hugged her. I had a lot of questions, but I missed her so much I didn’t even care. She wrapped her arms around me and began to sob into my shoulder.
“I’m so sorry. I should’ve listened to you. I’m so sorry,” she kept repeating.
“You’re a kid, Areal,” I said, squeezing her tighter. “You were just doing what any kid would do. Mae’s good at making promises she can’t keep. I didn’t want you to have to learn the hard way.”
“I wrecked her car,” she wailed.
“Are you alright?” I grabbed her shoulders and looked her up and down. “What were you doing driving?”
“I have my learner’s permit now,” she said. “I was her DD, and a deer ran out. Tonya, it was terrible.”
“That bitch,” I muttered. “You’ve had your learner’s permit for what, a day? You had no business driving her around. Especially at night. You could’ve gotten killed. I can’t believe this!” I jumped up from the couch and clenched my fists. “I fucking told you, Areal. Why didn’t you call me?”
She was crying louder now, but I was at my breaking point. I paced back and forth, trying to figure out what to do. How could Mae be so irresponsible? If anything would’ve happened to Areal, I don’t know what I would’ve done, but I likely would’ve been serving jail time.
“Tonya?” Ella was standing in the doorway of the bedroom, wiping sleep from her eyes. “What’s going on? Are you alright?”
“Go back to bed,” I said. One night with me, and already she was being subjected to my never-ending drama. “Everything is fine.” She didn’t. She tiptoed out into the living room, soaking in the scenery, Areal sobbing, me fuming.
“Are you Areal?” she asked, sitting down on the couch next to her. My sister looked up and nodded, and Ella wrapped her arms around her and hugged her as I watched in confusion. “I’m glad to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I woke you up. Uncle Trevor dropped me off here a few hours ago. I was just too upset to go in my room. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Just like that?” I shouted. “Just dumped you off here in the projects in the middle of the night without even letting me know? Fuck them. Seriously. Pieces of shit.”
“Tonya, lower your voice,” Ella said, as Areal’s crying escalated. She was shivering and shaking, latching on to a complete stranger, while I was stuck with cleaning up the mess. As usual. I had to be the bad guy. I had to be the bitch. I hadn’t even got a cup of coffee in my system yet. “You know she’s really glad you’re home, Areal. That’s why she’s so upset. She loves you so much.”
“They pulled her out of public school. Took her from her home. Let her be some hippie wild child and didn’t give her the attention she needed. Now she went and wrecked their car. I’m sure she didn’t have insurance. This is a fucking disaster.”
“Tonya, stop,” Ella said, this time her tone sharp. “You’re not solving any problems acting like that. She’s here safe now. We can fix everything else today. Now go get ready for work and let me handle this.”
“Oh no,” I said. “I’m not just pawning her off on another random person. She’s coming to work with me today. Get up, Areal. Go get dressed.”
“Another random person?” Ella stammered. “I’m going to chalk that up as you’re not completely awake yet, Tonya.” She glared at me, and I slapped my hand over my mouth, overwhelmed with shame. How could I be so careless with my words? This wasn’t some one-night stand. She wasn’t my enemy. I had brought Ella here to start our life together, to try and make things work, and day one, I’m already making her feel like shit. Flying off the handle at Areal, too. Acting like a wild woman.
It was perfectly clear why I’d spent so much of my life alone. I treated the people I cared about like garbage. No wonder they always left.
I grabbed my clothes and went back into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. Mad at myself, but unwilling to let it show, I got dressed with a huff, brushed my teeth, and threw my hair into a sloppy bun. When I came back into the living room, the apartment smelled like coffee, and the TV was turned on to the local morning news. Ella handed me a thermos and I grabbed with a grumble and headed for the doorway, sliding into my work boots.
“That’s it?” she asked, following on my heels. “No goodbye? No have a nice day?”
“Aren’t you mad at me?” I asked. “Aren’t you just waiting for me to go so you can sneak off and never call me again? Save yourself the drama? I know this isn’t what you signed up for.”
She grabbed my shoulders and looked me square in the eye. “I signed up for you, Tonya.” Her voice was hushed, the TV nearly drowning her out, and I looked over at Areal, who didn’t seem to even notice. “What happened to all this not running away from your problems? Was that just your way of getting me in bed?”
“It’s one thing to say things. It’s another thing to live them. I’ve been burned enough times before to know when to kick a window open and get out. Have you?” I tied up my boots and reached for the doorknob.
“Don’t pin this on me, Tonya,” she said with a hiss. “I’ve always delivered on my promises. I don’t run away when things get tough. Maybe you’re just looking for the easy way out.”
“Nothing is easy for me,” I growled. “I work myself into the ground every day, something you wouldn’t know anything about.”
“You flip a fucking sign, Tonya,” she said.
“Oh, so I’m suddenly not good enough for you? I’m suddenly just some piece of trash laborer you’re going to look down your nose at? When was that going to come out? Did your daddy getting busted by the FBI put a little kink in your plans?” I felt like I was about to burst into tears. I didn’t know where this was coming from. I felt backed into a corner and I was just scrapping my way out as usual, trying to be the loudest person in the room so I didn’t have to hear anything anyone else had to say, didn’t have to admit I was wrong. She looked like I’d just slapped her across the face, and my heart felt like it was shattering into a million pieces. Why was I so awful?
“You are good enough for me. Better,” she said angrily, gripping my wrist in her hand. “You are. This persona you have built up for yourself, though? This macho shit, or whatever you want to call it? I definitely didn’t sign up for that. Now you’re going to go to work, do whatever it is you have to do to put your two weeks in, and when
you come home this afternoon we’re going to figure out what to do about Areal, and then we’re going to spend the rest of the day trying to find an office to run the football team from. We’re going to stick to the plan. Got it?”
She hugged my stiff body, and I stood there flabbergasted. Everything coming out of her mouth was so logical, so certain, and I was more confused than I’d ever been. Why did this woman have so much faith in me? Why did she care about me as much as I cared about her? Our lives were a disaster, and she wasn’t pulling away.
I kissed the crown of her head. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“It’s going to get better,” she said. “Now have a great day.”
I chuckled at the ridiculousness. She was either right or crazy, and the only thing I was certain about was that I wanted to be a part of it, no matter what it was. We were in too deep now.
“You gonna be alright?” I asked Areal. She threw me a thumbs-up, and I shrugged. Of course she was. Ella could make anyone feel a million times better just by existing in the same room.
Ella pecked me on the lips and I closed the door behind me, waiting for the lock to click before heading down the hallway and out into the dark of the morning. I couldn’t put my finger on the feeling inside my chest. Was it fear? Was it anger? Everything felt like it was moving so fast, I could barely catch my breath. Like I’d been chasing something down a football field that never ended, something just barely out of reach, and just as my legs were about to give out and my lungs were ready to explode, I reached out and made the perfect tackle. Like everything I had been chasing my entire life was suddenly in my reach. Like for the first time ever, no matter what happened, everything was going to be okay.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Tonya:
“I don’t really know how to do this,” I said to my foreman. Leaving a job was usually a spectacle for me. There was often a lot of screaming and middle fingers whether I was leaving on my own accord or being fired. Putting in my two weeks' notice was a bizarre luxury I’d never been afforded, even though I was diving into the great unknown. “I need to put my two weeks in.”
“That’s a shame. Really thought you were going to be a lifer Tonya. You’re not going to work for the other guys are ya?” I shook my head no. A lifer. Seemed easy enough on paper. Show up for work, get paid, go home, do it again. A simple, predictable life. The only life I ever allowed myself to entertain. Now I was leaping way outside of that comfort zone, no safety net, except a woman I was picking fights with this morning for no reason.
“I’m going to work for a nonprofit,” I said. Announcing it out loud, hearing it in my own voice, it sounded good. Confident. Professional. I would have to get used to hearing those words if I was going to fake it til I could make it as the community outreach liaison. “For the football team, actually.”
“No shit,” he said. “That’s still a thing? Haven’t heard anything from you about football in a while.”
I shrugged and smirked. “I have the grass burns on my knees to prove it.” With everything going on outside as of late, the grass burns were really the only reminder I had of the fact that I was an athlete first and foremost. I needed to get back to that place. No sense in putting all this work into an organization if we were just going to be a joke on the field.
“Well, you’ll be missed around here. I didn’t even know you were looking for another job.”
“Me neither,” I chuckled under my breath. I took my bandana in my hand and began to wipe the dirt and sweat from my face, staring at it out of habit, wondering how much of that dust I swallowed standing out on the road all morning. I got in my car. Did I just make a huge mistake? I should’ve asked if they would hire me back if things didn’t work out. I should’ve left myself a safety net.
My cellphone buzzed. It was Ella. It was fitting. I didn’t need a safety net. I had someone to fall with. I tried so hard to push her away, tried so hard to show her my true colors, tried so hard to show her the mess she was getting into, but she just didn’t quit.
I was in love.
“Fuck,” I accidentally muttered out loud as I answered the phone.
“Did I catch you at a bad time? Or are you still being salty?” she said with a giggle.
“I was just thinking out loud. Thinking about you,” I said teasingly, backpedaling.
“I’m flattered? Are you done for the day?”
“Almost done for good. Two more weeks and I’m all yours.”
“Really?” she stammered.
I wished I was there to see the look on her face. I wanted more than anything to hug her. “What are you doing?”
“Areal and I are taking a coffee break. You want to meet us downtown?”
I checked myself out in the rearview mirror, my hair frizzing all over the place, and I knew I smelled just as terrible as I looked. “I should probably shower,” I said.
“Just tell her to come!” I heard Areal shout in the background.
“I’m going to text you an address,” she said. “Don’t worry. Nobody will see you.” It sounded like they were hitting it off well. It was bittersweet. I’d never let a woman into my family. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was embarrassed by the chaos, or just didn’t want to have to hear it when they inevitably broke up with me. Areal had been abandoned by enough people. This felt good, though. This felt right.
I sang along with some cheesy country song on the radio about waking up next to the love of your life, not even noticing the words out of my mouth until I’d crossed the Andy Warhol Bridge. I hurriedly switched the station, cringing at the fact that I knew the words to such a ridiculous song, cringing at the fact that I was happily singing along like some sort of weirdo. If Ella and I had a song, it certainly wouldn’t be one of Brad Paisley’s. What would it be, though?
My mind was a cluttered place to be right now. Between my GPS hollering at me while I weaved in and out of traffic, tapping my brakes more times than I would’ve liked, and the never ending to do list circling on a loop, everything was punctuated with the excitement of new love. First love. Her shiny blonde hair. The way she made me feel like everything that came out of her mouth was a serious promise. The way she quivered when I kissed her thighs. If I didn’t snap out of it, I wouldn’t be the only Fields sister getting in a car accident today.
I turned off the bypass into Oakland, one of my favorite parts of the city. Everywhere you looked was a sign of what this city used to be, back during the steel boom, shells of old apartment buildings and shuttered businesses. Still amongst the old, there was this revitalized spirit - quirky little restaurants, college students walking everywhere, purposeful graffiti and traffic, so much traffic. Nobody here was dwelling on what once was. Everything was moving forward, but this time, the way my generation envisioned it.
I pulled into a parking lot behind a giant brick building and parked next to Ella’s car. The place looked abandoned by the overgrowth of weeds around the steps leading up to the loading dock in the back, and a big black cat bared its teeth at me and let out a primal roar, as if I was encroaching on its personal space. I walked up the steps and Areal peeked through the window in the giant stainless steel door before swinging it open.
“What do ya think?” Ella said, shining her flashlight around the concrete walls.
“Smells like cat pee,” I said with a shrug. “Other than that, it’s huge, I guess? And dark?”
“But can you see my vision?” she asked.
“I can’t even see my hand in front of my face,” I teased, pulling her in for a kiss. “but I trust you.”
“Good, because the electricity is getting turned on this afternoon. I might’ve signed a lease for the year. Welcome to the new Lady Cat’s team headquarters!”
I gulped. Was this the part where she was going to tell me she was just kidding? Just like that first day I went home with her? I knew she was impulsive, but a lot of times, her impulses were spot on. Still, her money train had come to an abrupt stop. She was going t
o have to learn how to dial it in. A massive building in the center of Oakland didn’t seem to be the most prudent choice.
“Come check this out!” Areal said, grabbing my hand and leading me through the building, shining the flashlight from her phone around. She swung open a door and on the other side was a full-fledged workout room setup, complete with weight equipment that looked brand new, stationary bikes, treadmills, the whole nine yards.
“Damn. This is nicer than the place we workout now.”
“Last tenants just up and walked. Apparently they were trying to open a gym, but it never got off the ground.”
“This place probably costs a fortune!” I ran my fingers over the rows and rows of dumbbells, a thick layer of dust coating the tops of them. The things we could accomplish with a gym like this would be game changing for the team, especially if we had twenty-four seven access.
“It’s definitely not cheap,” she said. “but… we will save a fortune on rent.”
“I mean, I know my place is a dump, but sleeping on concrete floors has never been something I’ve had to think about,” I said. “Kinda take pride in that fact.”
“There’s an apartment upstairs, goofy,” Areal said. “And, there’s a bus stop out front that will take me to art school every day. If I get in, that is.”
“You’re going to get in, I totally know it,” Ella said, as the two of them squealed, giddy with joy.
“There’s gotta be a catch,” I said. I felt that tightness in my stomach that crept up on me every time something good was about to happen. I felt like the walls of the giant building were suddenly closing in around me. I felt like I’d was in some alternate universe where everything was opposite. I was waiting for someone to bust down the front door with my Publisher’s Clearing House check. This wasn’t things how things went for me or for Areal for that matter. We had to work hard for what we earned. Ella didn’t understand that yet. She’d only been cut loose from her family for a day. “I don’t think we should rush into things. Not until we see how this football season goes.”