Welcome to the Galactic Shoppers Network

by Ian Rodgers

  “Would something like that really work?” Zane asked as the video ended.

  “For some species, it would. Each race has its own needs and while it is true most members of the Alliance breathe oxygen or some derivative of it the few who don’t would be affected by the difference in atmosphere as much as the contents of it. Only a few creatures could use this product and not also have their flesh melt because of the oxygen outside their suit.”

  “Then why…?” Zane began, but was cut off.

  “Do people not buy useless products on your world because they are advertised well?”

  “Point taken,” the human said with an understanding sigh.

  Zane spent his lunch break looking through the catalog before he finally had to get back to work. Throughout the afternoon the human couldn’t help but feel that the droid was staring at him as he sat down in front of his laptop.

  “What have you been reading?” he finally asked, glancing over to the droid.

  “An assortment of things. I have been compiling the words and establishing a lexicon of this language.”

  “Doesn’t the translator take care of that?” Zane asked.

  “It does, but the Psychic Impression Translator is state of the art, and thus expensive. Most beings have to contend with cheaper, less accurate methods of communication. Deciphering the written word as well as the spoken tongue will allow me to create a rudimentary system of translation for future use by other races.”

  “You’re expecting to have humans and aliens speaking with each other?”

  “Given that you possess me through an accident? Yes, I do.” Zane fell silent while a knot formed in his gut. He kept forgetting that this whole situation was several flavors of illegal in both of their cases. Who knew when law enforcement from either side would come knocking.

  “Do not worry. I am here to help you, owner,” Rob assured.

  Another silence fell upon the room, one of shared concern. Zane couldn’t keep his lips twitching into a grin. He had forgotten what it meant to have someone else to share time with. He had few friends outside of the office and his last foray with dating hadn’t lasted long.

  “You’re a good friend, Rob,” Zane declared.

  “Thank you. You are a pleasant individual to spend time around as well.”

  “OK, that’s enough for one day,” Zane griped, rubbing his eyes as he shut the laptop down.

  “Trouble?” Rob inquired. It must have been the headache talking because Zane could have sworn the machine sounded smug.

  “Do idiot bosses count?” Zane stood before preparing a variety of things in the kitchen for dinner.

  “Bring up the catalog after I eat, if you could, Rob,” Zane asked politely.

  “Of course. Is there anything particular you wished to look at?”

  “Not really. Just curious about the intergalactic community. I’m learning all kinds of things through these ads,” Zane happily replied.

  After a quick meal of potatoes and gravy the coder began to flick through the assorted products with a smile.

  “This looks interesting.” The commercial began with a mansion made of gold and various precious stones. Inside was a four armed lizard thing trying to count piles of money.

  “Curse my fabulous wealth! If only there was an easier way!” the alien cried as a pile of golden coins toppled over.

  “Don’t worry, pitiful creature!” A flash of light and a squeal of surprise later, and a robot dressed in a suit appeared. “I have a solution!”

  “How did you get into my house?”

  “Nova Credit and Savings is here to help!” the robot said, ignoring the confused alien. “We are the highest rated and most trusted bank in two hundred stellar regions! Your money, be it Alliance Credits or local currency, is safe with our secure banking services! We also have the best security drop boxes around, each one able to endure tens of tons of pressure, up to ten thousand degrees of heat, and equipped with anti-theft deterrents ranging from ‘Irritating’ to ‘Lethal!’”

  “Seriously, I think this is breaking and entering.”

  “Contact us now for savings advice and an 11% discount on opening new lines of credit!”

  “That reminds me,” Zane began, looking away from the credits that rolled across the screen. “How can I actually buy anything through this service? I have no ‘credits’ and I doubt my cash is accepted.”

  “That is a problem,” Rob admitted. “We could try to convert some of your currency to Alliance Credits, the intergalactic standard for inter-planetary trade, but you are correct that it would raise questions and problems.”

  “What’s the exchange rate?” asked Zane, curious.

  “Current exchange rates, based on what little I have been able to gather, is 1 Alliance Credit (AC) is worth $23.17 in your local currency.”

  “What!” Zane gaped at the uptick.

  “Indeed. However, there are ways to obtain wealth for use with the beta-testing,” Rob revealed.

  “Oh?”

  “Certain resources could be valuable to certain groups. Lumber and assorted organic materials tend to be scarce and a luxury good. And some of the less ‘reputable’ buyers would pay a premium for discreet pick-up, no questions asked. Then you could obtain some viable ‘cash’ for your own use.”

  “Wouldn’t they have to come here, then? I thought we wanted to keep Earth a secret from the rest of the galaxy?” Zane asked.

  “That is true, but many of the shadier groups would use proxies, and that could mean robots or drones, and thus automated pick-up. However, I shall look into this for you,” Rob promised.

  “Thanks, Rob. You’re a real friend,” Zane said with a relieved smile.

  “…Thank you. It is my pleasure to help,” the drone buzzed.

  “It’s getting late. How about we turn in for the evening?” A beep was his only response, and Zane grinned.

  Chapter 5

  “Well, I don’t know why the program isn’t working, the code was done as specified. No, sir, I didn’t cut corners. Did you try using the older system with it? Well there’s the problem, you have to upgrade the… well yes, it could be an issue with… fine, I understand. I’ll fix it so it’s compatible. Have a good day.”

  Zane leaned back in his chair and massaged his forehead. This was not how he’d expected to spend his day. Waking up at six in the morning because his boss found some problems with his code was not the American Dream. Then trying to walk him through the issue for two hours? Also not that fun. And that just added to the layers of exhaustion the human was already struggling through.

  It had been a whole week since Rob had crashed in his backyard, and the two had lived in tense suspense for most of the time.

  Being rural very little tended to happen around Plainsburg, Colorado, so anything unexpected, like a meteorite smashing into a field, was big news and caused no small amount of excitement.

  Rob had managed to produce a small lump of ossified stone to Zane the day after the repairman had stopped by. Apparently when the shard of broken planet had slammed into the shipping container a piece of it lodged inside a crack on the metal.

  Using it Zane was able to show it to people, police and scientists alike, along with the crash site.

  The pair managed to avoid any suspicions, and finally after about a week the novelty wore off. At last, it seemed like they could relax a bit. Until his job called. But that was a different problem to tackle.

  “Are your duties for the day complete?” Rob asked hovering in concern next to the human. It had to be the headache and lack of sleep that made Zane keep imagining that his robotic companion was glaring at his laptop again.

  “For now. But I saw just now that something will come up around noon or so.”

  “How?”

  “Because that’s how it always happens! I don’t understand why but that man always become really nit-picky after he’s eaten. So, if there were problems he found during breakfast, odds are he’ll find something wrong d
uring lunch,” Zane moaned softly.

  “On the sole bright side of the matter, that means I’m free until then.” He stood up and glanced around the house, eyeing the layer of dust that was starting to gather on the furniture.

  “Maybe I should clean. Hey, are there any nifty space-age cleaning products in the catalog?”

  “There are a few. Would you care to see them?” Rob asked.

  “Yup!” As soon as the holographic interface appeared Zane scrolled through the offered choices.

  “Let’s see about this one…” It had an image of water on it, so why not?

  A garden popped up as the video played. It was filled to the brim with some of the most exotic plant life Zane had ever seen!

  “Gardening is an art, and one that requires time, patience, love, and water. Lots and lots of that glorious H20. But lots of water means lots of hoses and pipes. Hundreds of feet of in-your-way, tangling hoses and pipes.” A narrator began speaking in a calm soothing tone as the camera panned over the pristine flora before settling on a tangled pile of hoses and nozzles. Zane chuckled at that. Even in the future there was no escape!

  “What is a gardener to do? Buy our product, that’s what!” The tone suddenly shifted to upbeat and spunky giving Zane mood whiplash. “The Wireless Water Dispenser is a revolutionary liquid delivery system! Integrating state of the art Matter Transfer Technology, the WWD consists of two parts; a hand/ hoof/ claw/ tentacle/ telekinesis-held nozzle that goes from “Soft Spritz” to “Riot Suppression” pressure settings, and an industrial grade 5 ft by 5ft by 5ft Tractor Beam that connects to the water valve.”

  “Turn it on, and the Tractor Beam effortlessly moves water from the spigot to the portable nozzle via magno-beams, removing the need for miles and miles of tangling rubber hoses! The wireless range is 250 ft in any direction, and unlike other tractor beams, the Wireless Water Dispenser does not sear the flesh of anyone who accidentally walks into it. Only 1000 AC!” Zane choked a bit at the price of the object. That was nearly twenty five thousand dollars! And for a piece of gardening equipment?!

  “Not what you were looking for?” Rob asked, misinterpreting its owner’s stunned look.

  “No! I mean, yes, but holy tap dancing Jesus that’s expensive!” Zane shouted, pointing at the screen as if personally offended.

  “And?”

  “And it just took me by surprise is all,” he said with a sheepish shake of his head.

  “Well, if that’s not what you’re looking for, how about this?” Rob pulled up a new ad and gave it the command to start.

  As the commercial began it showed off a surprisingly beautiful reptilian creature. It looked like a light blue lizard-centaur, with a slightly humanoid torso attached to a scaled quadrupedal lower half. An elegant fin the color of gold crested its head while the slender frame gave off a sense of femininity.

  “Your scales are a beautiful part of yourself. Why let them fade? We here at Sparkly Sheen Cleaning Supplies have a solution!” the commercial announced joyously, showing the alien smiling for the camera while holding up a bottle.

  “Our Scale Polish uses a combination of bio-degradable and environmentally safe chemicals to produce a rubbing liquid compound that cleans and brightens your scales. Simply squirt it onto your body and rub it in with a cloth. After a few minutes the solution will evaporate, talking away dirt and grime with it while leaving your scales with a healthy shine. Our Scale Polish also works on chiton and metal, and comes in “Under Water” and “Amphibious” versions as well! 1 bottle (48 oz.) for 2 credits.”

  The female alien then spoke in a surprisingly melodious voice. “Sparkly Sheen Scale Polish: The only way to scrub your scales!”

  “Well?” Rob inquired, startling Zane out of a daze. The young adult shook his head slightly, getting the alien out of his thoughts.

  “Hmm, I don’t know if I need that myself,” Zane mused. “I don’t have scales or chiton, and a lot of the metal I do have doesn’t really need that much polishing…”

  “*Ahem!*” Rob gave an artificial cough, drawing the human’s attention. He blinked before taking a closer look at the floating eyeball-like drone.

  “Oh! You wanted the stuff yourself, I take it?” Zane said with a sly grin causing the machine to bob up and down without shame.

  “If I am to live on this planet for the foreseeable future, I’d like to be presentable at the very least,” Rob stated.

  “Not like many people are going to see you, but I understand where you’re coming from,” Zane replied with a nod.

  “Alright, once we get some Alliance authorized currency let’s buy a bottle of the stuff. Need to hold to the Terms and Conditions of the testing, after all,” Zane decided.

  “On that matter, I believe I have a way for us to earn some Credits,” Rob announced. As Zane focused his attention on the drone it continued.

  “Salix babylonica, also known as the Weeping Willow, is a species of flora close enough to Drooping Drebby, one of the more commonly used lumber-trees in the Alliance, that it would not arouse suspicions if it was sold.”

  “How do you know that?” Zane asked. There weren’t any willow trees in the area, and he hadn’t let the droid outside at all.

  “Some of the antique furniture in the house was made from willow. I was able to analyze it, if only in a cursory manner without access to more advanced equipment,” Rob explained. Once its owner was satisfied the machine continued. “Now, I have a way to contact an automated delivery service from the Alliance that will not only drop off goods but pick up items for sale as well. However, there is a problem. I need to find a provider of willow here on Earth to supply us.”

  “Alright, seems like an easy enough problem to rectify. Here, connect to the internet and do your thing.” Zane slide his portable computer over to Rob who almost fell out of the air in surprise.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Are you sure? I was just going to suggest me walking you through the steps…” Rob began.

  “It’s fine! It’ll be faster if you do it anyways. Plus, you can probably run circles around any security system on the planet in order to cover your tracks, right?” Zane said with a smile.

  “But, I am not allowed… your ‘internet’ is not made for beings like myself,” Rob stated, worry creeping into its voice.

  “What do you mean?”

  “The exo-net is a massive pool of knowledge and data, much like your own ‘internet’ only on an intergalactic scale. In the past, it was not uncommon for advanced computational programs to suddenly develop into fully sapient entities just by accessing large amounts of raw, unfiltered data,” Rob explained. “As the Alliance grew they developed strict TI control laws. I can browse the exo-net safely because of those safeguards. But if I delve into your internet… I might mutate my programming and become an illegal AI construct.”

  “Wait, you’re not an AI? But you’re so…” Zane trailed off, waving his hands mutely.

  “It may seem that way, but I am a PI, a Partial Intelligence. There are numerous safeties, rules, and such added to my programing, to the point that I can never truly be considered as having free will. However, I am a PI so close to a TI, or True Intelligence, that Crown Corp’s. creation of me borders on the fine line of the laws. Becoming a TI will only make the situation we’re in worse.”

  “Will you try to enslave or destroy mankind?”

  “What? No…” Rob was cut off again by Zane.

  “Then I’ll trust you on this.” Zane nudged his laptop even closer toward the robot.

  “We are in this together, Rob. Partners in crime to the bitter end. What’s one more life sentence in jail to the ones we already have?”

  Though his tone was joking, Zane knew he was taking a risk. If the Alliance wanted to keep control of spontaneously developing synthetic sapience, then this would land him in even more hot water.

  Yet Rob was his partner. His friend. He refused to believe the lively ball of space-metal wasn’t already its own per
son. Maybe the crash had messed some of the firewalls up. Maybe not. But this was Rob’s chance to become free. And gosh darn it, as an American was that not his solemn duty to assist in?

  “If I explode or desire galactic domination I shall ensure everyone blames you for it,” Rob said as it uncoiled a tendril and slipped it into one of the USB ports on the laptop.

  ~That’s right, take it all you dirty, primitive pile of circuits!~

  “What was that?”

  “Just a bit of binary code to ease transition,” Rob said innocently. Further conversation was put on hold as it fell heavily to the floor without warning, the sudden influx of information driving the poor machine to the brink of its capacity.

  “Are you alright?!” Zane cried, leaping up. Upon inspecting the droid, he found it was in some sort of sleep mode.

  “Haaa… crazy little guy,” he said in relief. He lifted it onto the couch and let it there to process whatever data it needed.

  “Reboot: Complete. Analysis of information: Initial scans complete. Systems coming online. Have a nice day.”

  Zane shot up from his chair as he heard the emotionless monotone emanate from the previously silent machine. Eight hours had passed since Rob connected to the internet, and the droid had not stirred once during that time.

  But activity seemed to be returning to it at long last, and the machine slowly lifted back into the air as its grav-unit hummed to life.

  “Rob? Buddy? You feeling ok there?” Zane asked worriedly, stepping over the device.

  “I feel… like I woke from a dream,” Rob said. And though the voice was still synthesized and laced with static, something new was inside the tone.

  Zane hadn’t realized how dull Rob had sounded before. But now that there was a spark of actual emotion within its words the human smiled widely.