Her Outlaw

by Geralyn Dawson

  “I don’t want to hurt you, Emma. God knows, that’s the last thing I want. It’s just…”

  “Just what?”

  Dair propped his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, his head down. His eyes shut. “Let’s not do this now. It’s your birthday.”

  “The sun is down. My birthday’s over. Talk to me, Dair. Explain to me why you’ve been so distant to me during the day and so desperate for me at night. Explain why you claim to love me, but at the same time shut yourself off. Shut me out.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  “Yes, it is. I love you, Dair. You love me. I know you do. I knew it even before you finally got around to telling me last night. I’ve wondered if the problem might be the difference in the way the two of us grew up, especially after seeing Sherwood. I grew up in a house where my parents frequently and flagrantly expressed their love for one another. If your reverend and Nana Nellie weren’t so demonstrative, I can understand that you would approach a relationship with different sensibilities than I. But Dair, we need to reach an understanding about this. I don’t want to live this way.”

  He laughed without humor. “I just want to live.”

  “What you mean is you want to call all the shots. You want to have all the control in this relationship. Well, that’s stupid, Dair. Didn’t I prove that much to you last night?”

  Hell, he hadn’t intended to do this today, but maybe this was best. They were out here alone. It was dark. He wouldn’t have to look at her. She had the pup to cuddle. Maybe it was meant to be this way. He still believed in fate, didn’t he? Still, he thought about it long and hard before saying, “You’re wrong, Emma. I meant exactly what I said. I want to live.”

  She waited, then said, “I don’t understand.”

  “I lied to you, Emma,” he told her, his voice raw and gruff. “About the headaches. They’re not getting better.”

  He shoved to his feet and paced back and forth in front of her. Emma’s voice quavered. “Dair?”

  He clenched his teeth, dropped his head back, and let the pain of what he was about to do wash through him. It hurt so bad that for a moment, he considered lying to her again.

  Then he looked at her and saw the woman he loved beyond reason. Ah, Emma. Beautiful, perfect, wonderful Emma. She didn’t deserve this. Didn’t deserve having another man to bury. Better for her sake if they’d never met. Easier for him, too, to go to the grave not knowing what it was like to love and be loved in return by a woman like Emma.

  But life had seldom been easy for Dair and death wasn’t shaping up to be a breeze, either. He couldn’t lie to her. Not now. He had to tell her the truth. “I’m sorry, Texas,” he said, his voice low and gruff. “I’m so damned sorry. I never meant to…”

  She stood and clutched his sleeve. “Dair, you’re scaring me. What are you saying?”

  He drew a deep, bracing breath, then said, “I’m dying, Emma. I’m dying.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  EMMA HEARD A roaring in her ears. “Excuse me? What did you say?”

  He repeated the God-awful words. Then he continued, his voice low and strong and honest, with a tale of physicians and tumors and a prognosis that left her numb and shaking. I’m dying.

  She couldn’t think clearly. Her mind was mush; thoughts had to fight to get through. She knew she should work up a protest, tell him it had to be a lie, but her tongue wouldn’t move and her throat was too tight to get out a sound.

  His expression was somber, his demeanor serious. He was telling the truth.

  I’m dying.

  Oh, God. Emma shut her eyes. She believed him. It explained so much. The signs had all been there. The increase in the frequency of the headaches. The intensity. His response to her. The distance he put between them.

  The desperation she sometimes sensed in his lovemaking.

  I’m dying.

  Dair started talking about the orphans. She heard his voice saying something about nuns and investigative reports and how he wanted the treasure to endow the children’s home. She heard the words, but she couldn’t process them. Couldn’t listen. All she’d heard clearly and for certain was that he was dying.

  He’s dying.

  Oh, God.

  She should comfort him. How frightened he must be. She should be strong for him.

  Emma couldn’t be strong. The man she loved was dying. Again. Leaving her alone. Again.

  “Oh, God.” With Riever still cradled in her arms, she shoved to her feet. Nausea rolled in her stomach. Bile rose in her throat. “I can’t…I’ve got to…”

  He reached for her, but she pulled away. “Don’t. Don’t touch me. Please.”

  “Honey…”

  “No!” She dashed away from the barn, away from Dair, away from the sound of his voice calling her name. At the edge of the inky dark forest, she stopped. Her stomach revolted and she leaned over and was sick. The puppy whimpered when her hold on him tightened. Horrified, she relaxed. Sorry. I’m sorry.

  She pulled the handkerchief from her pocket and wiped her mouth. Her breaths came in harsh, labored pants. She couldn’t do this again. She couldn’t go through this again.

  Dear Lord, I’m selfish. He’s dying and I’m worrying about myself? Shameful. How shameful am I.

  But she loved him. Oh, God, she loved him with every fiber of her being. Losing him would be like losing part of herself. He was part of her, the other half of her. For the first time in forever she felt whole.

  Losing Casey had almost killed her. The pain sharp and brutal and agonizing. The loneliness had settled into her bones, into her soul. Until Dair. He’d brought life back into her existence. He’d made her sky a brilliant blue and her music an arpeggio of joy and her air smell like fresh apple pie.

  Now, just when she’d awakened, the darkness hovered poised to descend once again. How can life be so cruel? So unfair? This was more than bad luck. This was a curse. A wicked, evil curse.

  Emma stumbled along the tree line, walking blindly in the night until a three-quarter moon rose above the forest and illuminated her way with a silvered, ghostly light. Despite the improved visibility, her foot snagged on a branch and she tripped, though didn’t fall. She heard him calling out to her, but she didn’t answer. She couldn’t face him. She didn’t have the strength. I can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t.

  She picked up her pace, pushing ahead, breaking into a run. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t leave reality behind. Finally, exhausted, she sank to the ground. Riever scrambled to be free and she let him go, then wrapped her arms around herself and rocked back and forth. She hurt too badly to cry.

  As if from far away, she sensed when Dair joined her, when he lifted her into his arms. Emma turned her head into his chest and vaguely heard him whistle for the puppy. She was aware that he carried her somewhere.

  A block of ice encased her. She was cold, bone-deep, bitter cold. Her only source of warmth was Dair.

  Through muffled senses, she noted door hinges creak. Boots scraped against a wooden floor. Something bumped, fell to the floor and Dair muttered something. A curse?

  Emma pried open her eyes, but pitch blackness proved it wasted effort. He set her down on something soft. Left her. She shivered with chill.

  She heard fumbling, the rattle of glass and the scratch of a match. Lamplight flickered and burned, its yellow glow chasing away the darkness. Emma turned away, curled in a ball on a lumpy mattress. She rocked herself until Dair rejoined her, spooned against her, and pulled a quilt over them.

  “Emma,” he murmured against her ear. “It’s all right.”

  No, it wasn’t all right. It would never be right again.

  She sank against him, drew in his body heat. They lay without speaking for the longest time. At some point, Emma slept.

  She dreamed of a pirate chest filled with golden horseshoes, of a winged fairy with kind eyes and a gentle smile who watched over three little babies crawling on a quilt and cooing with contentment. Then a
dark shadow blackened the sky. A dragon swooped in, breathed his fire, and her dream melted away, leaving a nightmare behind.

  Dair’s lifeless body lay spread-eagle on a bloodred plain, arms and legs shackled to iron stakes sunk into granite boulders.

  Emma awoke screaming.

  “Shush, now. Calm down. Everything’s all right.”

  But it wasn’t. Reality came rushing back and she gasped at the pain of it. “No,” she moaned softly. “Tell me it was all a dream. Tell me it isn’t true.”

  “I’d give anything if I could, sweetheart. I don’t want to lie to you any more.”

  She wanted to tell him not to worry, to keep on lying, but she wasn’t quite that far gone. “It isn’t fair. It just isn’t fair!”

  “I know, darling. I know.”

  He held her, shushed her, warmed her until she stirred enough to ask, “Where are we?”

  “One of the old slave cabins. Johnny’s been sleeping here, but I chased him out, claimed it for myself last night.”

  “Are the children all right?”

  “They’re fine. Don’t worry about them.”

  Emma didn’t have the energy to argue. At least she was warmer now. She wasn’t trying to think her way through a brain filled with cold molasses.

  “You should have told me, Dair. You shouldn’t have let me fall in love with you.” It hurt too much. She wouldn’t survive the pain of losing him.

  He was silent for a long minute. “Maybe. But by the time I realized where we were going, we were already there. Plus, I’m a selfish man, Emma. I couldn’t make myself give you up.”

  “Until now. Why tell me now, Dair? Why not keep it to yourself until…”

  “I’ll be honest. The coward in me considered it a fine idea. But I love you, Emma, and that means I owe you the truth.”

  “It’d be easier if you lied.”

  He laughed without amusement. “I don’t think you and I get to do ‘easy.’ Emma…” he raised up on his elbow and gazed down at her. “Will you agree to oversee the home? I’m not asking you to live here, but to do the hiring of staff, to oversee them and manage the funds I’ve established for them. The accounts are healthy as they are. If we find the treasure, well, you’ll be able to make this the nicest children’s home in Texas.”

  “Dair, I…”

  “You’re their best hope, Emma. Please?”

  Emotion was a strangling noose around her neck. He was dying—leaving her to pick up the pieces. It was admirable that he worried about the children, but…dammit…what about her? He’s leaving her. Once again, she’d be poor old Emma withered and abandoned and alone.

  She bit her tongue against the self-pitying thoughts and tried to be unselfish when in truth, her heart was breaking. “Yes. Of course. I won’t let them down, Dair. Don’t worry about that.”

  “I wasn’t actually worried. I know the kind of woman you are. Now that you’ve met them, you’d have watched over them whether I asked you to or not.”

  “You place a lot of faith in me. I’m afraid that’s a mistake.”

  “Now why do you say that?”

  She looked away from him. “You say you’re selfish, but I’m the selfish one. You tell me you’re facing the ultimate test, and all I can think about is how awful that is for me.”

  “It is awful for you. I have to tell you, Emma, if our situations were reversed, I’d be…well…it wouldn’t be pretty. Being the one left behind takes more courage than being the one going.”

  “I’m ashamed.” She couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to think about the children, the home, anything. That was all in the future. Her cold, empty future.

  “You absolutely shouldn’t be ashamed. You’re human. A dear, wonderful human with a heart as big as Texas. I’m a lucky man to have known you. A lucky man to have loved you, and especially, to be loved by you.”

  “Luck, hah,” she scoffed. “Better for you that you’d never met me. After all, I’m the Bad Luck bride.”

  He stroked his thumb down her arm. “Don’t be that way, Texas. I had this lump in my head long before I met you. Look, I’m still a believer in fate. I think we were meant to meet and be important to one another, but we were never destined for happy-ever-after. I feel lucky we had happy-for-a-time. These months with you, they’ve been more than I ever could have imagined. I never dreamed I’d have a woman like you in my life.”

  He paused a moment, took her hand. “But I don’t want you to think that happy-ever-after can’t happen for you. Someday, you’ll meet a man who can give you that. That happy-ever-after person is still out there waiting for you.”

  “No,” she said flatly. Angrily. “I will not listen to this. How dare you say that to me!”

  Dair placed his finger against her lips. “Listen to me, Emma. Open your mind for just a little bit. Every step on our life path prepares us for the next one. Whether you can see it now or not, I’m a step on the path that’s leading you to your fate, to your true destiny.”

  She closed her eyes and sighed, snuggling close against him. She understood what Dair was trying to do, but the man didn’t have a clue. The only destiny she had was to bring bad luck…

  Emma’s eyes flew open. Bad luck.

  Her pulse sped up. Bad luck. Destiny. Fate.

  Fairies.

  Oh my oh my oh my.

  She sat up. “Dair, who gave you this diagnosis?”

  “I went to a doctor. Two of them, in fact.”

  “Where?”

  “London. They both were reputable men, Emma. I know what you are thinking, but they didn’t make a mistake.”

  “But—”

  “You’ve seen me have the headaches. You know they’re getting worse. One physician told me I might see Thanksgiving, but at the rate they’ve been increasing, I doubt I’ll last that long.”

  Destiny. Fate. And fairies.

  Magic. Miracles.

  She drew a deep breath, then said, “A few minutes ago you asked me to keep an open mind. Now I’m asking you to return the favor. Dair, you said that you believe in fate and that you think we were meant to meet and be important to one another, and I agree with that. But maybe it has to do with more than our love life. Maybe it has to do with life itself.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Dair, I’m not ready to write you off as a dead man. Maybe there is a cure out there that the London doctors didn’t know about. I know a doctor in Fort Worth…he’s young and smart and he studied medicine back east. Maybe fate brought us together so that I could tell you about him. So that I could save your life. Maybe that’s my task.”

  “Your task? What do you…oh. That fairy tale.” Pity and heartbreak softened Dair’s expression. “Texas, don’t do this to yourself.”

  Anger flared like a match. “Don’t you dismiss me.”

  “I’m not dismissing you. I can’t let you get your hopes up. I’ve already caused you enough pain. I don’t want to cause you any more.”

  “Then come with me to Fort Worth. Let’s go tomorrow.”

  Dair shook his head. “I don’t have time to waste, Emma. You probably won’t like hearing this either, but I may as well get it all over with. Tomorrow Logan and I are going after the Sisters’ Prize. Holt and Cade will remain here to watch over you.”

  The anger within her intensified to fury. How dare he. Did he honestly believe that after everything they’d been through, she’d let him ride off into the sunset? She opened her mouth to rail at him before experiencing second thoughts. She was tired, physically spent and emotionally exhausted. And he was a stubborn, pigheaded man. Why go through the effort of an argument when better ways to solve the problem existed?

  “If you think that’s best…” You’re stupid. “I’m tired, Dair. Hold me while I sleep?”

  His hesitation showed he didn’t quite trust her. Maybe he wasn’t entirely stupid after all. “Of course I’ll hold you.”

  “Good. You can keep me warm.” She thought better when she was warm and she h
ad plenty of thinking to do.

  First, I need to find a gun.

  DAIR SLEPT LIKE A DEAD MAN and when he awoke well-rested and refreshed long past his normal awakening time, he credited his newly clean conscience for the good night’s sleep. They say confession is good for the soul. It seemed to be worth something for the soulless, too.

  The sheets beside him were cold, Emma long gone. Good. He could use a little time to shore up his defenses before facing her. Leaving her today would be the hardest thing he’d ever have done.

  He expected she might argue a bit before he left, too. It wasn’t like Emma not to complain when he made decisions for her, but last night she’d been exhausted. He doubted he’d be so lucky this morning. That’s if he could trust her to stay behind. He halfway expected her to try and follow him.

  Dair sat up and took a quick inventory of his physical condition. That heavy sensation that often preceded his headaches wasn’t in evidence. Good. He didn’t need that on top of everything else, though he knew he was due another bout. He’d had a nice break from them since arriving at the children’s home, but he couldn’t expect that to continue.

  Dair dressed and left the cabin in search of breakfast and Emma. It looked as if a nice day were in the making. Hot, of course, but it was summer in Texas. His mind was on the journey ahead as he made his way up to the main house. His mother’s old place was a half day’s ride from here. While he couldn’t formulate a definitive plan of action until he determined who and what awaited him, he expected that by suppertime tonight, he’d know who had pinned the murder on Emma. Dair looked forward to making the bastard pay.

  “Mr. Dair. Mr. Dair. There you are,” little Genny said as she and two other girls skipped down the path to meet him. “We’ve been waiting for you forever. We need your help.”

  “Oh? For what?”

  “It’s a trick the boys are playing on us, Mr. Dair,” one of the other girls explained. “We need to figure out how they do it. Will you help us, please? It won’t take long.”