One (Bar Dance)

by Joy, Dani

  “I’m doing this all wrong aren’t I?”

  I pulled my arm away and backed up. I had a lump in my throat that was about the size of a cantaloupe. I hit the wall that I had been banging my head against. I slid down it until I was on my butt. I put my arms across my knees and my head on top of my arms. The tears fell freely. I finally lifted my head hitting it against the wall very much on purpose.

  I pierced him with my stare. “When I was dancing I did a lot of solos. I always had an instructor that would lead me through the practices. Tiff was great. She would correct me. She would lead me. She would watch me. I could judge how I was doing by her reaction to me.” I took a deep shuddering breath. “Not once did she leave me. Not in her actions or her responses. Then when I got on stage I always could find one person. One. Just one who would look at me so that I could see if they liked what I was doing.”

  I pointed down the hall. “In there, I have nothing. Fucking nothing.” I dropped my head back to my arms. “It was fun when it started. Now I don’t care if you rip up the contracts and burn them.” I put my arms around my legs and pulled myself in a tight ball.

  Most my life I just had myself. I would be okay by myself again. I kept repeating in my mind. Over and over again. I didn’t need this shit.

  I had twelve more days of vacation. I could have a different variety of Ben and Jerry’s for breakfast every morning. Maybe go shopping and then have Haggen-Daz for lunch. Rand could pick up frozen yogurt for dinner. At least that would be a change. Then I could go back to the kids and paint my hair. I was thinking black was a good color. I was seriously contemplating changing all my hair black with purple low lights at the moment. I felt bruised from the inside out. I wanted to show it too.

  Bray slumped against the wall beside me. He banged his head against his knees. “You are good. So good I want it on the air yesterday.” He said quietly next to me. “I didn’t listen to anyone when they told me that I was being too careless. I knew what I wanted and I was going for it.”

  I whispered to my knees. “Go for it. But go it alone.” I started to unwrap myself so that I could stand and walk away.

  “Terra, please?”

  I confided something that I never thought that I would tell another living soul. “When we started this shit I had just taken a list of my patients to Adam. Scripts that were being filled against dead patients. I lived with the worry that I was going to lose my job. I figured that I was going to jail for disclosing patient information. Yet I sang for you as best that I could. I didn’t even tell Rand about it.” I took a deep breath. “He finally got it out of me. When I got hysterical he calmed me down and took care of me.”

  “You took me to one lawyer, then to another lawyer, then to yet another lawyer and didn’t explain shit to me. Not once. Vince did. Vince off all people. He would eat my liver and ask for Fava Beans on the side. He calmed me down. A stranger to me.”

  I had my keys in my pocket and my cell phone in my back pocket. I figured that I could send Sam to get my purse later. I walked out the door. Screw it, I was done.

  Unfortunately I had a conscience. It wouldn’t let me start my ten year old car and just drive away. I just curled up in the front seat and fell asleep with my head against the console.

  In the parking lot of Bray’s studio.

  Right in front of his door.

  Alone and crying in my car that was so hot that it rivaled hell itself.

  **

  I woke up to someone tapping against my window. I was disoriented. I tried to focus but just couldn’t seem to. The tapping got louder so I sat up to look out my window. It was Sam and she was getting tired of waiting it appeared. She was the only other person who had a spare key to my car and I knew that she had used it when the door opened.

  “Scoot.” She made a shooing motion to me.

  “What?” I was confused.

  “Scoot over.” She semi repeated.

  “What?” I said again.

  “Move your ass over. I’m getting in.” She gave me a light shove. I put my butt on the console and swung my legs over plopping to the passenger seat. She turned on my car and turned the air on to high. The windows got cracked open, the radio got shut off and she backed my car up. “It’s hot as hell in here and you need water and food.”

  I seemed to only have one word for her today. “What?” I was starting to wake up a bit. I realized that Sam was furious. At me or something else I couldn’t tell. She drove for about ten minutes without saying not one word to me.

  When she parked she walked around my car, pulled me out then walked me inside. I got a light push towards the bathroom. “Go rinse your face off. You drooled. I’ll order.”

  I came back out and found her at a booth. Yet another burger, under salted fries, a cup of ice water and the blessing I was hoping for. An extra-large soda. I sat. Drank most of my water and dug in to the food. I finally dared to speak to her. “Who exactly are you pissed at?”

  “The world in general right at the moment. You included.”

  “Oh.” At least it wasn’t ‘what’ this time.

  She finished eating. Sat back and glared at me.

  “What?” I said around a bite.

  “You get mad enough at Bray to walk out on him, crying, I might add. You didn’t call me?” She fumed. “You cried yourself to sleep in your car? What the hell Terra? Your car was hot enough to melt your brain.”

  “I was going to call you to go and get my purse.” I glared back at her.

  “When? Two days from now after you throw away a chance of a life time?” She had shoved the debris to the side. “Or died in the heat?” Her forearms on the table. She was starring daggers at me. “I thought that you were more of a fighter than that shit.”

  I shoved my remnants to the side and mimicked her stance. “I was mad. No, worse. I was hurt. I trusted him and I felt abandoned.” I held her eyes, “Again.”

  “So you call in reinforcements. You don’t just walk away.” Her tone gentled a touch.

  I pulled my hands up rubbing my forehead. “I’m in way over my head Sam.” I looked to her pleadingly. “Way over. I’m scared and I felt flung out there not even knowing how to find my balance. I fell.”

  “I know. Bray told me what happened.” She smiled and there was a wicked glint in her eyes. “I reamed him a new ass hole.”

  I smiled a small smile. Then I sniffed fighting back tears. “I thought that he would guide me through it just like he has since the start. The last couple of weeks it’s like…” I wiped off the tear that escaped. “It’s like he expects me to know what to do. I don’t. I mean I do. I sing the songs that he taught to me but I don’t know what he wants and the top of his head with ear phones on aren’t telling me shit.”

  “Why didn’t you ask him?”

  “I did. His answer was ‘just sing them like you do’” I made air quotes. “So I did but there was nothing to judge it by. You know when we would practice and Tiff was always there to nod her head, or shake it. I knew where I was headed. Or when we dance we can find at least one person that looks like they enjoy it or a whole crowd that stares at you like you just fell?”

  Sam nodded at me.

  “I didn’t have that. I had the top of his head and a set of ear phones to stare at. Worse than that, I have a microphone with a spit guard so I don’t even feel like a can move.” I shrugged. “Before I had Bray’s eyes. I could move around and get the feel of the beat. I panicked.”

  “Clearly.” Sam gathered all the trash and walked out the door. Obviously I followed her out. She climbed in my car, started in and waited patiently, or not so patiently, for me to get in. We drove back to the studio without her saying one word to me. She got out and marched inside. Again, I followed. Bray was in the reception area sitting with his head down. His elbows on his knees with his hands between his legs.

  Sam walked down the hall. Depositing herself in the recording room. Her ankles were crossed as were her arms across her chest. I walked in. I wan
ted to kick the microphone stand but refrained. Barely.

  Rand stood and walked to me. He wrapped me up tightly with his head against the side of mine. I held tight to him whispering to his chest. “What are you doing here?”

  “Looking out for you since my asshole brother didn’t.” He stated loudly against the side of my head.

  I grabbed on tighter. I had no words for his compassion. I heard a chair scrape against the floor and a sigh as, I assumed, Bray sat on it. “You and I need to talk Terra.”

  I knew that I had acted like a teenager storming out. I just didn’t have it in me to care at that moment. I nodded to Rand’s chest. “I know.”

  “Can you look at me?”

  I shook my head no but answered, “Okay.” I slowly turned keeping most of my body plastered against Rand. He felt like my rock in this storm.

  “I keep letting you down.” He scrubbed his face. “You and Sam have let me know how badly I let you down.”

  I looked to Sam and she was clearly smirking at him. I turned my eyes back to Bray. He stood and came towards me. He pried me from Rand’s hold and wrapped his arms around me. “Can we start over?” He whispered against my hair.

  I lifted my hands finally and gave him back a hug. “Can we? Or are we too far over the line now?”

  His arms tightened then he turned me back towards Rand. “So first things first. We get rid of the microphone stand. We go back to overheads.” He walked to the dreaded spit cover and walked it out to the hallway. I heard a whirring but didn’t let go of Rand. “I’ll lose the head phones and go back to ear pieces. I still have to keep my head down but Sam has offered to stay for the day. I’ll make sure that there is at least two people in the room with you, besides me, at all times.”

  I nodded.

  “People you know or will know. People I trust to stay quiet but will give you what you need.”

  I nodded again.

  “Are you in any shape to try one?”

  “No.” I answered honestly. “But I will.”

  Bray tossed his head phones to a corner. “Those cost a fortune I want you to know.”

  I giggled.

  He went to a closet and pulled out a pair of weird looking ear buds. “I don’t like these as well. They work as well but…” He put them in. “I look like an alien with them in.”

  “He is an alien.” Rand said loudly. “From another planet called Not My Brother.”

  Sam snorted.

  I giggled.

  Rand kissed me with feeling and a lot of groping. He let me go. “Give him hell.” He swatted me on the butt and went to sit down by Sam.

  Bray produced the same headphones and wireless that I had before. “I still need you to wear this so that you can hear the tracks that are already laid down. I’ll get a set for the twins here so they can hear you and the music.”

  He did and I started relaxing. Sam kicked off her shoes. They had a hard sole. Somehow I knew what she was telling me. If I needed her to move with me she was there for me. I blew her an air kiss throwing my arm wide.

  I heard Bray asking in my ears. “Who can hear me?”

  I raised my hand as if I was in elementary school. I watched Rand and Sam nod.

  “From the top.” Bray said.

  We went through each song three times. The first time through Sam would simply listen. The second time she would stand up and do a few steps. The third time she would come and move with me. Each time was better. Even I knew that. After song four I was done. Done as stick me with a fork done. I collapsed in a chair and pulled the head phones off. I knew that they were sweaty so I brushed them against my pant legs before I hung them over my leg.

  I waved my hands in the air. “That’s all that you get from me today.”

  Bray just beamed at me. “Give me a second.” He hit buttons and moved switches like a man on crack. Then sound came across the speakers in the room. Bray kept my eyes. Sam jumped up and was moving like a mad woman. Fifteen minutes later Rand grabbed me out of the chair. He twirled me around time and time again.

  Bray finally stood and walked to Sam. “Can I put you on retainer?”

  She smiled at him. “You going to pay me to have this much fun?”

  He nodded. “A shit load of money.”

  “Then I guess I have to forgive you.” She twirled one more time.

  I laughed out loud. I didn’t think that I had it in me but I did.

  It felt good.

  No. More importantly, it felt wonderful.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  I had taken my boards for RN today. I didn’t feel great about them. I don’t know if it was the test or the patient that had died in my arms almost a week ago.

  An older couple who had adopted a child, they claimed came from Haiti, had been admitted. She was as white as snow and no way came through Haiti. She had come from somewhere far north of that. As in Uki-whatever used to be Russia. I had seen it before. Orphanage. Alcohol birth. Malnutrition. Papers said that she was almost two. She was probably four or more judging by how many teeth she had. She had been in the states for two weeks and I could still make out bruising. She had a cast on both legs and one arm. Bone cancer. The doctors had no clue what they were up against until she went in a coma. I held her in a rocker as she took her last breath.

  It was probably the most uncomfortable thing for her and me. Also a blessing in disguise. Slavery still existed. Just not openly.

  Her new parents didn’t know how to act. Or more importantly how to re-act. This was not the child that they had met months before. Now she was dead and they had spent a couple hundred thousand dollars to get her here and she was gone. I had been on a two day mandatory time off.

  I was done singing. Had been for almost a month. Bray was working on ‘mixing’. Yet another term I didn’t understand. I didn’t really care.

  Rand was great. Quietly consoling me about my patient. Keeping my mind and body busy so that I didn’t get too worked up about my tests. Yet still letting me study after work until bed time. If it wasn’t for him I would probably have forgotten to eat.

  Now I was sitting in my kitchen with the TV on. A game playing in the background. It reminded me of Rand. So even though I didn’t care much for sports I had it on. I was seriously contemplating the merits of tequila over ice cream. The more I thought about it the better it was sounding. I looked at the clock. Three seventeen. A little early to start on the hard stuff.

  Maybe. Or maybe not.

  I was reaching for my phone to call Sam. She would be able to tell me if it was too early when it rang. That of course started me enough to make me squeal. I didn’t recognize the number but I answered anyhow.

  “Terra?” A man’s voice that was familiar but I didn’t know why it was familiar.

  “Can I help you?”

  “Vince Ross. Bray gave me your number. Well actually my secretary did from all of the papers that she keeps track of.”

  “Vince?” I had no idea why he would be calling me personally.

  “So I seem to have taken you under my wing. Normally I would just have people take care of this. The PR dogs are going to descend and I wanted to give you a heads up.”

  “PR?”

  “Public relations. Photo shoots. Interviews. Shit like that. Your contract limits all of it. Almost blindingly so but we need photos.”

  “I don’t have a lot of spare time Vince. I just happen to have today off because I took my boards.”

  “Great. Great.” He said it as if he was shooing a fly from his face. “They have strict instructions to only call on your days off or after your work schedule.”

  “I also painted my toenails purple this morning. I thought that would be fun.” I was testing to see if he was actually listening to me.

  “Great. If they don’t adhere…”

  I hung up on him. He wasn’t listening. I stood up and had the ice cream out. Three scoops in the bowl when my phone rang again. I picked it up. “Vince.”

  “Our call seemed
to have dropped.”

  “No Vince. I hung up on you. You were talking but you weren’t listening. Did you hear anything past purple?”

  “Purple?” He genuinely sounded lost so I knew he hadn’t been listening.

  “Boards?” I tried again.

  He laughed. “Busted. But I have a good reason.”

  “That would be?”

  “The ass on the woman who walked past my car. I haven’t seen that great of an ass in ten years or more. That is saying a lot since I live in LA.”

  “Thanks for the non-compliment to my ass Vince.”

  “You have a dancer’s body. Great to look at but not near enough meat to grab on to.”

  This surprised me. I saw him with pencil thin model types that had enough boobs, of the fake type, to give them back problems. “I would never have guessed you like a woman with meat on her bones.”

  “I do. I just don’t get much chance to meet them.”

  “Any-who.” I said. “Why are you calling me?”

  “What are you doing this weekend?”

  “Painting my toe nails. Purple I believe I told you.”

  “Good. When I drag you off to a photo shoot you will at least have pretty toes.”

  “Photo shoot?”

  He huffed. “I knew the dumb ass would forget to ask you.” I heard a deep sigh. “People come in then gussy you up and take about five thousand pictures of you until you yell at them.”

  I poured a double shot of tequila over my ice cream. “Great.”

  “I’ll have the driver pick you up at eight Saturday. We’re doing it at Bray’s studio so we can get the band too.”

  “I’ll drive myself. Don’t send a driver.”

  “No way Terra. If you drive yourself you can escape. I’ll have a driver…”

  I hung up on him again. This time I shut my ringer off.

  Rand came home and found me on the couch. I had my second bowl of ice cream on the coffee table. He eyed up the room. What was left of the ice cream melting on the counter with the bottle next to it. I was on the couch nearly asleep at six thirty at night. He quickly assessed the problem and fixed it. He made a quick protein shake and brought it to me.