When I Surrender

by Kendall Ryan

  I wished I’d had the balls that morning to take her in my arms and tell her I loved her. But instead I’d taken the pussy way out and scrawled it onto the window. There was a good chance she never even saw it. I sent her away into the arms of her very male best friend without even telling her how I felt. Basically I was a jackass.

  “Brian’s doing fine. I think he’s annoyed at the slow pace of his recovery with his leg and his mom’s constant hovering, but considering how things could have turned it, he’s very lucky.”

  “And how are you?”

  She hesitated for several seconds before answering. “I realized some things this week.”

  “And what’s that?” I wasn’t religious, but I prayed to God it wasn’t that she’d figured out Brian was the better choice for her and she was staying in Indiana.

  “My parents’ accident wasn’t my fault. It was the damn reckless, irresponsible drunk driver.” Her voice wavered ever-so-slightly and she took a moment to compose herself. “I was talking to Brian’s mom Patty after the accident and it all just hit me. My actions that morning may not have made a difference in the outcome. And for years I thought maybe I should have been with them. But I see now that I wasn’t meant to go then. I’m here for a reason. I’m here to do good in the world.”

  “That’s great to hear, angel. And you’re right. You had nothing to do with the accident.”

  “I know that now. I can’t image how someone could be so selfish, so negligent. I will never forgive the man who did this. I have zero tolerance for drunk drivers.”

  I was happy to hear her channel her anger into the right place – McKenna wasn’t responsible for her parents’ deaths. The man behind the wheel was. But cold dread slithered down my spine realizing, I’d never told McKenna about my own drunk driving arrest. Would it be a deal breaker for me and her?

  “I’m going to be coming home soon,” she continued.

  “Can I see you when you get home?”

  “Yeah, and there’s something I have to tell you when I get back.”

  “Something good or something bad?” I asked.

  “Um, just something…different. About my life. I finally met with my parents’ lawyer.”

  “Okay.” I had no clue where this was heading, but I’d follow her lead on this one. “See you soon, then?”

  “Yeah. Goodbye, Knox.”

  “Bye.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Knox

  “Do you want to talk about it or are you going to keep moping around here like someone kicked you in the balls?” Jaxon asked, glancing up from the TV.

  “Are you going to watch the game or are we going to pretend this is Oprah?” I asked.

  He smirked. “Fine. But the guys know something’s up. You’re not yourself. You’ve been acting like a dick ever since McKenna took off. Care to tell me what’s really going on?”

  The feeling that I’d lost McKenna churned in my gut. I couldn’t sleep. Food didn’t taste right and when I tried to drink to numb the pain, I couldn’t even catch a buzz. Luke had taken Tucker to the public library, so it was just me and Jaxon at home today. “I talked to McKenna. She’s coming home soon.”

  “That’s a good thing, right?”

  “Yeah, I mean, I think so. But she said we have to talk when she gets back. I think she’s had some sort of realization about her past and finally accepted that her parents were killed by a drunk driver and not because of anything she did.”

  “And?” Jax drew out the word.

  Apparently I needed to spell it out for him. “And she doesn’t know I was arrested for drunk driving and that my sentence was what brought me into her class in the first place.” Not mentioning it at the time was an omission – it just never really came up, but keeping it from her now felt like a deceitful lie.

  “Shit. That sucks.”

  I blew out a frustrated breath. “Tell me about it.”

  Jax flipped the channel on the TV. “That’s why I don’t do love. As soon as you let your walls down, shit falls apart and then you’re the one sitting there feeling like shit. It’s easier to hit it and quit it.”

  “Nice, Jaxon.”

  He shrugged. “It’s just the truth and you know it. You lived that way for years.”

  I couldn’t argue; he knew my history too well. “Well, sometimes feeling something is a good thing. It reminds us that we’re still human.” I’d rather be having no sex with McKenna than be sleeping with a bunch of random girls, but I knew nothing I said would get through to him. He’d have to figure all this out on his own one day, too.

  Jaxon rose from the couch and handed me the remote. “I know I’m not good at this shit, but you know you have to talk to her, right?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. Thanks, bro.”

  I knew I needed to talk to her, but I wasn’t sure that would make a difference. With her new-found clarity and anger toward the drunk-driver who killed her parents – what could I possibly say?

  Chapter Twenty-One

  McKenna

  I couldn’t wait any longer. After the four hour drive with nothing but the radio to keep me company, I couldn’t resist going straight to Knox’s place. With darkness settling in, I parked on the street and grabbed my overnight bag from the backseat before jogging to the front door. I’d been planning on coming home tomorrow, but as the morning had stretched on, I became more and more anxious to see Knox. I’d hastily packed, said my goodbyes, and hit the road. I wanted to surprise him.

  Tucker answered the door a few moments later.

  “Kenna!” He latched himself around me, squeezing tightly.

  “Hi, bud. I missed you.” I leaned in and kissed his forehead.

  “I missed you, too. Are you back for good?”

  “Yep. I sure am.” Following him inside, the cozy familiar feeling of being home settled over me. A tower of Legos was half-built on the living room rug and the TV was playing cartoons. The house even smelled the same. I inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of boys. “Where is everyone?”

  “Luke and Jaxon went out somewhere, but Knox is here.”

  My heart picked up speed. I couldn’t wait to see his deep soulful eyes, to kiss his scruffy jaw, inhale his masculine scent. I’d missed him so much. “Where is he?”

  “Knox?” Tucker asked.

  I nodded.

  “He told me to wait down here. He brought a girl upstairs.”

  My stomach dropped like a stone and I broke out in a cold sweat.

  “McKenna? Are you okay?”

  I pulled in a lungful of air. “I’m fine.” I couldn’t let him see the blood rising in my cheeks or the sheer panic in my eyes. Turning from Tucker, I marched up the stairs. The journey up the three flights of stairs felt like an out of body experience. I floated above myself and watched my legs climb each step, my shaky fingers gripping the banister. My pulse thundered in my ears as I waited outside his closed bedroom door. With my heart pounding way too rapidly to be safe, I raised my fist to knock. Then stopped. And listened.

  Low feminine moaning followed by Knox’s voice giving some type of command.

  Bile shot up my throat and I swallowed, forcing the sickness down. With tears clouding my vision, I reached for the door knob and pushed open the door.

  What I found inside the room was the last thing I’d expected to see. I fell to the floor, my legs giving out beneath me as the adrenaline in my bloodstream rioted.

  “McKenna?” Knox’s confused voice asked in the distance.

  The moaning hadn’t stopped and I brought my hands up to cover my ears and squeezed my eyes closed. Footsteps crossed the room toward me and I felt Knox’s strong arms close around me, and movement as he lifted me from the floor.

  “Breathe, angel,” he whispered into my hair. “Amanda, clear a spot on the bed….” I felt him place me on his bed and I began to thrash, trying to sit up, to move but his hands held me firmly. “Stay put. We need to talk.” His low authoritative voice whispering my name was the last thing I
heard before I let the blackness pull me under.

  Stay Tuned for …

  When We Fall

  Coming May 26, 2014

  In this third installment of the much loved When I Break series, Knox’s and McKenna’s relationship has reached a critical impasse. The mistakes and secrets of their pasts have caught up to them and threaten their future happiness. Can McKenna trust that Knox’s sexual addiction is behind him and make a life with this beautifully troubled man? And when Knox reveals the full truth about his past, will McKenna be able to put her own fears aside and accept him?

  When We Fall is the conclusion to Knox’s and McKenna’s story.

  Click here to sign up receive an email when the next book releases!

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  Acknowledgments

  There are so many wonderful people dedicated to bringing my books to life… thank you to my editor, Sara Biren, my wonderfully patient cover design Helen Williams, my beta readers Holly, Rachel, and Sarah, and a tremendous thank you to my street team on Facebook, Kendall’s Kinky Cuties. You guys keep me going and help me make this all possible.

  To my readers, both new and old…. Never stop believing in happily ever afters. They do exist.

  Other Titles by Kendall Ryan

  Unravel Me

  Make Me Yours

  Resisting Her

  Hard to Love

  The Impact of You

  Working It

  Craving Him

  All or Nothing

  Exclusive sneak peek of the New York Times & USA Today bestselling erotic romance, Hard to Love by Kendall Ryan

  About the Book

  Cade’s always taken risks…

  Cade takes cares of his sick younger sister by doing what he does best—cage fighting and starring in adult movies, his newest harebrained moneymaking scheme designed to pay for his sister’s growing medical bills. But when his latest gig finds him admitted to the ER sporting an erection from hell, thanks to the little pill given to him by the director, he can’t get the pretty little nurse who treated him out of his head, even though he knows she’s so far out of his league it should be illegal.

  Alexa’s always played it safe…

  Tired of being pigeonholed as the sweet, innocent one, hardworking nursing student Alexa has been looking for ways to break out of her Goody Two-shoes image. When her friend suggests the outlandish idea of losing her virginity to the sexy and sure-to-be-skilled porn star, Alexa is mortified. But then when Cade refuses her proposition, she finds herself pissed off and embarrassed. When she tracks him down to give him a piece of her mind, she isn’t prepared for what she finds. Watching him care for his little sister tugs at her heart, and suddenly it’s no longer just about losing her virginity, but about helping Cade. Because Lord help her, she might just be falling for a porn star…

  Chapter 1

  Cade

  Dammit. I knew a four-hour erection wasn’t normal. I shifted uncomfortably in the cab of my truck and debated what to do. The emergency clinic was open twenty-four hours so that wasn’t the problem. It was embarrassment over my condition that had me stalling in the parking lot. But damn, this thing was fucking painful. I tugged on my jeans, trying to create some room and adjusted my erection yet again.

  Fuck it. I was going inside.

  I stalked across the dimly lit parking lot, trying to walk as normally as possible, but each step tested my sanity.

  When I reached the reception desk, an elderly woman looked up and asked if she could help me with something. I struggled to keep a straight face while I explained my problem. She thrust a clipboard of forms at me with a dour expression, not wanting to hear another word. I headed to the waiting room, holding the clipboard in front of my groin.

  To make matters worse, Rick, the director I’d been working with on the set, came barging into the emergency room to join me in the waiting area, saying he wasn’t about to let one of his actors go through this alone. Just fucking great.

  Once I turned in the paperwork, I focused on thinking about anything that would tame this monster of a hard-on. The Chicago Bears, how much I hated hospitals —anything non-sexual. Nothing helped. It was full-on throbbing by the time they called me back thirty minutes later.

  I had hoped for a male doctor, so we could handle this man-to-man, but as I stepped behind the curtained room and saw a young female nurse waiting for me, all my hopes went up in smoke. Rick followed me inside the small room and positioned himself in the corner to observe. I was convinced he was here for the sole purpose of having a good laugh.

  The nurse glanced at me, her eyes widened and her breathing hitched. She looked young, too young to be a nurse, and was pretty in an innocent, sweet way that I didn’t normally go for.

  “Hello. Caden Ellis?” she asked. Her voice was soft and laced with concern.

  It took me a second to respond. “Cade.”

  “Please have a seat.” She gestured to the white-paper-covered exam table and began flipping through my chart. “My name’s Alexa. I’m a nursing student and I’ll be assisting the doctor tonight. Do you mind if I ask you a few simple questions before we move on to the hard stuff?” Her eyes shifted nervously to my lap, and I couldn’t help but grin.

  “Sure.”

  She nodded astutely. “Fine, then. Let’s begin.” She sat down on the rolling stool beside me and wheeled herself closer. “Your weight?”

  “Two-ten.”

  “Height?”

  “Six-one.”

  She scribbled it down on her file. “And your age?”

  “Twenty-two.”

  She bit back a smile, though I didn’t really know why.

  Her hair was somewhere between blonde and brown, and she had large blue eyes that matched the color of a crystal-clear sky. She was petite yet shapely, nicely filling out her blue hospital scrubs with curves in all the right places. She had a full rosebud mouth and a small upturned nose, and even in her work uniform she looked polished and put together – giving the impression she’d been raised to be poised and proper. A far cry from how I grew up.

  She finished the forms and busied herself with the medical equipment to check my vitals. Even though her presence was professional, it did nothing to help weaken my erection. In fact, I think my damn cock became even harder just to taunt me.

  She placed a stethoscope over my heart and listened for several moments before jotting down a few notes. I watched her work, a smile tugging on my lips.

  “So, Cade.” She smiled up at me with straight, white teeth while she attached a blood-pressure cuff to my bicep. “What seems to be the problem?”

  Fuck. She was going to make me say it. “It’s there…” I tapped the clipboard she held. “On the forms I filled out in the waiting room…”

  She looked down, a frown tugging at her mouth. “Yes. I see that. But if you could just please explain… um, how this happened. Is this the first time, you’ve, um…experienced this?”

  “I’ve never taken performance-enhancing drugs before if that’s what you’re asking.” The words from the overplayed commercial rang through my head. “If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, seek immediate medical help.”

  I tore my eyes from the thin fabric stretched taut across her chest, but not before she caught me looking. She looked down at her chest to see what I was staring at and frowned. She pulled an oversized Q-tip I hadn’t even noticed from the pocket over her breast. “Don’t worry, I won’t be using this on you.”

  That wasn’t what had captured my attention, but I was relieved all the same at not being caught ogling her breasts. I felt like a real asshole, sitting here sporting wood and staring at the nurse’s tits. Classy. It was as if my dick thought we were here to pick up a willing participant to ease his discomfort. Sadly, no, little man. I felt his pain. I cleared my throat and looked down.

  Alexa worked quickly and methodically, pumping up the arm cuff and pressing her fingers into my wrist to get my pulse while she studied the
ticking hands on her wristwatch. I took the opportunity to study her more closely, noticing the way her face held absolute concentration as she worked. She was trying her damnedest not to be distracted by me. It wasn’t the usual effect I had on females.

  “So can you tell me more about when this problem began?” She glanced down at my forms, which I’d deliberately left vague, jotting down only the most critical issues—name, medical insurance, and oh, yeah, a painful erection. I’d been hoping to speak with a male doctor who’d seen this kind of thing before, not an attractive young nurse, dammit.

  I hesitated and Rick laughed. “We were beginning our film shoot and my star here got stage fright. I gave him a couple of the little blue pills I keep on hand just in case.”

  Her mouth pursed into a pouty frown again as she looked from Rick back to me. I glanced down, motioning to the tense erection straining against my jeans.

  “Oh, my.” Her hand flew to her mouth and she involuntarily took a step back.

  Her response was so honest, so damn innocent, I almost chuckled. Almost. But the majority of my blood supply was sitting south at the moment, which delayed any normal responses.

  “So, wait…what business are you guys in?”

  “Adult entertainment,” Rick and I answered at the exact same moment.

  “You mean…porn?” Alexa asked.

  I winced.

  Rick reached across to hand Alexa a business card. “Mrs. X Entertainment,” he said proudly.

  I didn’t explain that it was the romantic, softer stuff, and that the film company had won awards for being female-friendly—the features that had attracted me to working with them in the first place. Because frankly, none of that mattered. It was porn, and that was all she was going to see. She probably figured I was some sort of player or a sex addict. I saw it in her eyes, and there was no use fighting it. It wasn’t like I would ever see this girl again. She would never know about the little girl in my custody, and the mortgage, groceries, and utilities I was responsible for.