No Love Lost

by Lexi Blake

  “Yeah, that’s my fault. We’ve actually been watching you for a couple of days,” he admitted. “Or rather not watching you. I was starting to think you wouldn’t come into town.”

  “Roman was sick,” she told him. When his eyes flared and she realized he was about to ask a million questions, she preempted him. “It was a stomach flu. Nothing to worry about. It’s going around the school system. He’s very healthy.”

  He nodded as though her response had settled his worry. “I’m glad to hear he’s all right. And that answers why we were sitting around hoping we were in the right place for days. I was careful. It’s why I brought the Lost Boys with me instead of a McKay-Taggart team. I’ve been looking for you for years. All this time, I never stopped.”

  “Why?”

  He went quiet for a moment. “I can’t answer that now. Not fully. I need to process all of this before I figure out how I feel. I can only tell you that I cared about what happened to you and I was sorry for how it ended. I said things I shouldn’t have said. As for Levi, I’m trying to work out how he found you. He said something about someone holding out on him. I don’t think he expected we would be there. I talked to Ian earlier and told him he might have a leak. I promise you I would never have come here if I thought Levi was following me. I didn’t even know if I was going to make contact.”

  She was confused. He was going to check her out but not make contact? “So you wanted to say you were sorry?”

  “Like I said I can’t talk to you about that right now.” He glanced around the kitchen. “Where’s my brother? Is he staying in your room?”

  She rolled her eyes. “I’m not sleeping with him. He’s a priest. Like a real priest, with full-on celibacy and everything. Not that I would sleep with him even if he wasn’t. He’s my brother-in…he’s like a brother to me. He’s watching over Roman. He got the same bug. Probably because most of the time he takes Roman to school.”

  “What grade is he in? Do they have the same grades in Malta as the US?” He stopped himself. “I don’t want to overwhelm you. I’m curious. That’s a stupid word. I’m beyond curious. I want to know him. He’s my son.”

  “Ask me whatever you want. I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight.” She wasn’t sure she would ever sleep again. At least not until they’d gotten wherever they were going to go and Beck left. Until she could figure out a way to start all over. For the third time.

  “Because you hate seeing me again?”

  “No, Beck. Believe it or not this isn’t about you. I just lost everything I worked for. Seven years I’ve been rebuilding my life and it’s all gone again. And now I have to worry about fucking Levi Green coming after my son.” She was going to be totally honest with him. Lying had never worked even though she’d done it for a good cause. “I have to worry about you coming after my son.”

  He sat up a little straighter. “I wouldn’t hurt him.”

  He didn’t understand what she was saying. “I don’t mean that. Tell me you haven’t already thought about how much safer he would be with you.”

  “He wouldn’t be any safer since I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, so no, he won’t be safer with me.”

  “I’m talking about later.”

  “I am, too. I’m not taking him away. You’re his mom. I’m his dad. I only want to know him.” His eyes met hers. “I want to know if he’s afraid of me.”

  “Afraid of you?”

  “Because you’re afraid of me. You ran today.”

  “I had to get to Roman.” She would never forget that moment when she’d seen Levi, but then Beck had been there. She’d promised him honesty. “I panicked when I saw Levi. I’ve gotten soft. So fucking soft. I panicked and I told him I had a son because in that moment I thought it might…I don’t know. I thought he might have a soul and I could get to him.”

  “He doesn’t. I know you think he was your friend, but he was always using you. Always. He’s a sociopath. He realized you had things he wanted. Money. Powerful connections. But it was always about him.”

  “Yeah, I get it. You would think after years of my mother trying to drill that into my head I would get it.”

  He shook his head. “Hey, I wasn’t saying that’s your only value. I’m saying that’s what he sees. If you remember I didn’t want your money, and I definitely could have gone my whole life without meeting your family.”

  “Thank god I’m attractive,” she said with a hard core of bitterness she hadn’t felt in years.

  “I’m not saying this right,” Beck said softly. “I wanted to warn you about Levi. And yeah, I was attracted to how beautiful you are, but I wouldn’t have married you if that was all there was. I loved you for your spirit and how you could make me laugh. I loved you because it felt like you were half of my soul.”

  She couldn’t handle the emotion she felt at those words. It was easier to get back to the point. “When I realized having a kid wouldn’t sway Levi, that he might actually hurt Roman, I made the decision to run. Not to the fort. I was going to get out of Birgu, and then I was going to leave Malta.”

  “What?”

  “I was going to leave my son behind in hopes that Levi would chase after me. I knew my uncle and Ezra would take care of Roman. In those seconds I had, I knew I had to try to protect him any way I could.”

  “But you ran to the fort,” Beck said.

  “Because then I saw you and I knew I didn’t have to leave Roman because one way or another, you would deal with Levi. I ran back to the fort because you were there and I had hope again.”

  He stood up suddenly, and for a moment she was afraid he was going to walk, but then he held out a hand.

  “What?” She stared at it. They hadn’t touched. She shouldn’t touch him. It was one thing to be honest with him, to lay out everything she’d done and let him judge her for it, but this was too much. Touching him would bring back every feeling she’d ever had for this man, and he couldn’t want that either.

  “Come here. Please. I’m asking you to come here and give me something. Not because you owe me. One of the things I’ve learned in all of this is I count too much. I keep score, and that shouldn’t have a place in my life. Our life. I’m going to ask you one thing and then I’ll let it be for now. Did you lie about my brother to hurt me?”

  “No. I didn’t want to keep it from you, but he was so adamant. I was…”

  “Hush, that’s all I need to hear.” His hand was still out. “Please, Kim. It’s been a rough seven years.”

  There was something weary and open and longing in his voice, and she found herself standing up and taking his hand. He tugged her gently against him, and then she was in his arms. It was awkward for a moment as one arm went around her waist and the other held her hand. Like they were dancing.

  “I promised myself if I ever got the chance, I would dance with you again,” he whispered. “I didn’t dance with you enough.”

  What the fuck was he doing? He was holding her like she was something precious, like he’d missed her with his body and his soul. He started to move like there was music in his head. “There’s no music.”

  “Yes, there is,” he insisted. “I can hear it. That song that was playing the night we got married. I wanted to go up to the room.”

  He’d been horny as hell. He’d wanted to get to the honeymoon part, but they’d walked through the casino and past the postage stamp dance floor. It had been a sad thing, but she’d heard a song she’d loved. “The Twilight song? You hate that song.”

  He’d groaned and whined, but he’d danced with her. He’d swayed with her through the whole song and teased her about glitter-bomb vampires, but it hadn’t mattered. Because he’d kissed her and told her he loved her and would for more than a thousand years.

  In that moment, the world had been laid out in front of them. Theirs for the taking. A whole future for them.

  She laid her head on his shoulder as emotion flowed through her. She’d wanted that life she’d been promised in that momen
t when they’d danced and the rest of the world had fallen away.

  “I stop every time I hear it and I think of you,” he said.

  “I thought you were mad at me.” She brought her head up and looked into those gorgeous eyes of his. This was absolutely not where she’d expected to be when she’d woken up this morning. Hell, it wasn’t what she’d expected two minutes ago.

  “I don’t want to be mad. This feels so much better.” His hand started to smooth up her back, and he stared at her the way he always did right before he fell on her lips like a starving man. Like he could kiss her forever and still not be satisfied.

  “Mama?”

  She jumped away from Beck like he was a hot stove she’d touched. Her baby boy was standing in the doorway exactly where his father had stood moments before. She couldn’t help but notice they had similar expressions on their faces. “Are you all right?”

  Her son was staring up at Beck somberly. “Is he really my dad?”

  Her heart clenched. “Yes. He’s your dad and he’s Uncle Ezra’s brother.”

  Roman frowned. “Where’s he been? Because we’ve been in trouble and he wasn’t around.”

  “What?” Those words coming out of Roman’s mouth shocked her.

  “Mom, I’m not dumb,” Roman said quietly. “We’re not normal. We live in a fortress, and I can barely get Uncle Ezra to stop for gelato after school. Everyone in my class goes places and sees things. We don’t ever go on trips. Everyone goes on trips. You don’t date. And you have a bunch of passports with different names for us and guns hidden in your closet.”

  Now she felt sick to her stomach. “Those are in a safe.”

  Roman shrugged. “And the combination is my birthday.”

  “Are you sure he’s six?” Beck was watching Roman with impressed eyes.

  She kind of wished she’d had a chance to grab the stuff in that safe. She also kind of wished Roman hadn’t stopped Beck from kissing her. And she was equally grateful that he had. She and Beck didn’t work. It was only gratitude that made her so willing to take comfort from him. “Yes, but you should understand he’s pretty much got a genius-level IQ, and he’s not afraid to use it.”

  Was that very intelligence what had caused Roman to not ask her about Beck? They’d had one conversation about who his father was. She’d told her son that she’d loved his father very much, but that sometimes love wasn’t enough. At first she’d thought he didn’t ask because he had plenty of male authority in his life. Now she wondered if he’d figured out it hurt her to talk about Beck.

  “I don’t know that he gets that from me.” Beck had a little smile on his face. It was the satisfied smile he got when things went his way. He was using that smile on Roman.

  “My mom is really smart,” Roman replied, a bit on the defensive side.

  Beck sobered. “She is. She’s the smartest woman I know. She’s kept you safe for years. You see your mom and I got split up. I couldn’t find her and then some things happened in the world, and for a couple of years it was really hard to travel. Then I looked for her but I still couldn’t find her.”

  “She didn’t want us to be found,” Roman countered. “If she didn’t want you to find us, there must have been a reason. Uncle Ezra didn’t want you to find us either.”

  “That’s not true.” If she was going to be honest with Beck, she had to do the same with her son. Now that Beck was here, she knew she had to facilitate his relationship with Roman. “Your uncle asked me to reach out to him a couple of days ago. I think he’s felt that way for a very long time. Did he fall asleep?”

  Roman nodded. “He was snoring.”

  Beck chuckled. “He always did that. I had to share a room with him for years. Earplugs are the only way to go.” He got down to one knee and was suddenly serious. “Roman, your mom was in danger, and she ran because at the time she didn’t trust me to protect her. She didn’t trust me because I was very mean to her. I had problems with anger, and I took them out on your mom.”

  “Did you hit her?” Roman asked, his voice going low.

  “No.” She couldn’t let him think that. “He would never hit me.”

  Not in any way that wasn’t incredibly pleasurable. But they weren’t having that conversation now.

  “I did not hit your mother, but words can hurt, too,” Beck replied. “I said things to your mom that I shouldn’t have. If it had just been the one time, maybe she would have asked me to apologize, but I was mean to her for a long time. Did you know that your mom and I were married once?”

  Roman’s eyes widened. “No.” He turned her way, some accusation in his gaze. “You didn’t tell me you were married.”

  “We’re not now,” Beck said. “We’re not married because I broke our vows. I promised to love her no matter what, and then something bad happened, something that hurt me, and I wasn’t willing to love her then. Sometimes we have bad feelings inside us, and we don’t know where to put them. Often we shove those feelings at people we care about because it feels like the safest thing to do. Sometimes we don’t care where those feelings go. We lash out because we don’t trust that we deserve the love we’re given. I hurt your mom, and I’m sure she worried I would hurt you, too. Do you know what therapy is?”

  She was not going to fucking cry. He’d gone to therapy? She’d asked him to go with her, to try to save their marriage, but he wouldn’t. Not that it would have worked. She’d been lying to him about the very thing he’d been angry about. “I’m not without fault here.”

  Beck glanced up at her. “I think we should concentrate on the simple parts of what went wrong. Roman needs to understand that I screwed up and said something I shouldn’t have, and then we were separated for a long time.”

  She thought she understood what he was trying to do. He was giving her cover with their son and trying to make this simple for Roman. She was deeply grateful because her son was getting hit with a lot. “Your father didn’t know about you until today. I haven’t talked to him since before you were born. The last time I saw your dad I didn’t even know I was pregnant.”

  “Wow. That must be weird for you,” Roman said with a shake of his head. “I mean, I knew I had a dad somewhere, but you didn’t even know I existed. Do you need wine? When Mom is surprised at stuff, she usually drinks wine.”

  A brilliant smile came over Beck’s face and he laughed, a sound she loved and hadn’t heard in forever. “I think I’ll skip the wine tonight. I’m on guard duty now. And it’s not as weird as you would think. It feels…right. But we’re going to take this whole dad thing at your pace. If you don’t feel good about calling me Dad, you can call me Beck.”

  Roman turned her way as though asking her for permission.

  “It’s up to you,” she replied, stroking over his silky hair. “It wouldn’t bother me at all if you called him Dad.”

  Roman turned back to Beck as though considering the problem. “Someone’s after my mom. Are you going to help us? You said you were mean to her. Are you going to be mean to her again?”

  “I promise that I have spent the last seven years learning how to not be mean to her ever again.” There was a suspicious sheen to Beck’s eyes. “I promise that I will do my best to be nice to her. And I promise you that I will protect you and your mom. I’ve spent the last several years working for a firm that specializes in protecting people. I’m good at it. Protecting you and your mom will be the most important job I ever do.”

  Roman’s eyes narrowed. “Were you trying to kiss my mom?”

  She felt a flush go through her system. “He was only hugging me. Like I said. We haven’t seen each other in a long time.”

  “No, I was totally going to kiss your mom,” Beck countered. “Your mom is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I was a fool to push her away. Don’t tell her this, but I came back because I want another chance with her.”

  “She probably heard that,” Roman pointed out.

  Beck shrugged. “Sometimes it’s easier to say thin
gs when we’re not directly saying them.”

  Roman turned his little head up. “Mom, I think Dad likes you.”

  Before she could say anything to that, Beck got to his feet. “He’s a smart kid. You hungry, son?” When Roman nodded, Beck put a hand on his shoulder. “All right. I’m going to introduce you to the joys of MREs, and by joys I mean they are not awesome but they will fill your belly. I hope I’ve got some mac and cheese. Otherwise, it’s all goulash. I promise when we get someplace safe, I’ll make you my famous barbecue.”

  Roman’s mouth curved down. He wasn’t big on trying new food. “What’s barbecue?”

  Beck put a hand over his heart and tossed a horrified glance her way. “What have you done to him?”

  She was so confused. “We don’t have a lot of barbecue on Malta.”

  “Also, what’s mac and cheese?” Roman asked.

  “Jeez, Kim, what do you feed the kid?” Beck asked.

  “Healthy things,” she replied.

  Beck shook his head. “That stops here.” He winked her way. “Come on. Let’s feed you and get you back in bed. We’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

  Father and son were chatting happily as Beck looked through his pack and found the MREs.

  She sat back and wondered what he was doing. Because he hadn’t come back for a second chance with her. He’d had a second chance, and she couldn’t risk giving him a third.

  No matter how much she wanted to.

  * * * *

  Beck stared at the tiny couch where Kim was asleep, her arms wrapped around their son. Roman had eaten his beef goulash with minimal wincing, and luckily Beck always kept an emergency supply of candy in his go-bag. He had a bit of a sweet tooth, and it looked like his kid did, too.

  His kid. God, he had a freaking kid, and he was weird and smart and had Kim’s nose and his eyes.

  Those eyes were Beck’s dad’s eyes, too, and for most of his life that would have bothered him. His old man had been cruel. He hadn’t minded using his fists on anyone who irritated him. But what he’d come to realize was DNA didn’t have to be the only path a man could take. He didn’t have to walk around with anger in his gut all the time. Especially not when he’d realized what the anger truly was.