by Harper, Ali
“Looks like everybody’s drinking tonight.” She remarked and picked up the bottle inspecting it.
“What are we drinking?” she asked her glassy eyed mother who was slumped against the kitchen unit and took a large gulp of wine.
“What are you doing here? Leave me alone.” She slurred. Her dark hair was loose and she wore no make up on her face. She looked pale, young and surprisingly vulnerable for once.
“We have to talk.” Sienna said austerely and stood up. She then pulled her mother up and almost dragged her in to an upright position on to a kitchen stool. Her mother slumped forward and leaned against the island with her head in her hands groaning. Sienna moved towards the coffee maker and passed her mother a piping hot mug of fresh coffee just as she did most nights whenever she found her passed out in the kitchen or on the sofa.
“Drink. I need you sober for this conversation.” She said and dashed to the garage and returned with her mother’s box of torrid secrets. She immediately started flicking through her mother’s old high school yearbook and slid the book towards her mother when she found the designated page. There was a small picture of a handsome young Mr. Jackson with his arms around a tiny dark haired Hispanic cheerleader. Underneath the picture was the scrawling of familiar elegant handwriting signed RAJ at the end.
“Robert Aaron Jackson.” Sienna spat out annoyed by her mother’s infidelity and lack of morality.
“It’s not what you think.” She said quickly.
“I would never have let you fool around with Logan if he were your-“
“Ah don’t say it, even the idea of it makes me want to puke. I know I’m not Mr. Jackson’s daughter.” Sienna quickly interrupted before her mother could cause her insides to turn by the mere association of the word ‘brother’ and ‘Logan’ in the same sentence. She stared in to her mother’s bloodshot eyes waiting for her to have the decency to explain herself; instead she took another sip of the coffee.
“Have I ever told you how much I hate your coffee? It just tastes like black cat piss.” she grumbled and took another sip.
“I know about Annie.” She said curtly choosing to ignore her mother’s digs and attempts to get a rise out of her.
“So now we’ve established the fact that you mothered at least two children from two separate men who weren’t your husband. That’s just great.” She remarked sardonically. Awkward silence ensued afterwards until Maria piped up abruptly.
“How do you know about Annie? Did Robert say something?” she asked her eyes looking up at her beseechingly.
“No, not a word. I didn’t exactly think I’d give him a great first impression when meeting the father of my first boyfriend by interrogating him on whether or not he cheated on his wife with a married woman, fathered an illegitimate child whom he never sees or visits even though she lives just fifteen minutes away, oh and she just happens to be my little sister. Cheers!” She said wryly and slurped a little more wine and hoped that the alcohol would kick in any minute now to numb her pain. Sienna wasn’t used to drinking anything stronger than a soda but ever since her father’s funeral, whenever the voices inside her head would get too loud, she somehow found solace with the bottle of whatever mommy dearest left lying around. ‘Mother like daughter’ that snide smug voiced remarked smarmily.
“I’m nothing like her!” she growled and banged her fists against the granite counter. The outburst was followed by a fit of manic laughter that erupted like a volcano inside her mind. She placed her fingers against her temples. Her condition was getting worse.
“I’m nothing like you.” She whispered feeling tired and drained of all energy all of a sudden.
“You’re a lot like me more than you’d care to admit. Just look at our taste in men and that’s more than enough. You always wondered why you and I have never particularly seen eye to eye. It’s because whenever I look at you, I see me. I see how stupid and naïve and foolish I was! I see what could have been had I made the right choices.” Maria replied bitterly.
“What do you mean by that?” Sienna asked frowning immediately sensing another big home truth bombshell being prepared to propel her way.
“When your father found out that I had an affair, he eventually forgave me and was willing to give the marriage another go for the sake of the twins. But when I found out I was pregnant with you; it was hands down the worst day of life, worse than the day your father died! All of a sudden I had this…this thing growing inside of me, sucking my life out from the inside, draining me of all my energy, robbing me from sleep, constantly moving and writhing and kicking inside of me like a parasite! Of course I wanted an abortion but it was too late. I was thinking of giving you away and telling everybody that you had died instead. That would have been better. But your father was too kind. He even begged me to keep you. I was too exhausted from forty-eight hours of labor to argue. So here you are Sienna, still here after all these years a walking talking breathing parasite of a person haunting me and constantly reminding me of my past mistakes. What’s wrong? You wanted to talk, you wanted answers, tell me do you feel relieved and happy now Sienna? Is your heart content with the fact that you’re nothing but bastard child who broke her father’s heart every single day until the day he dropped dead by reminding him of my past indiscretions?” she rambled and cocked her head to the side and began giggling hysterically before trying to snatch the bottle from Sienna’s hands.
She immediately moved it from her reach.
Her heart dropped to her stomach at hearing the hatred in her mother’s words. With great difficulty Sienna swallowed her pain and blinked rapidly trying hard not to cry as she did whenever her mom was going through her angry alcoholic moods. She moved over to the sink with the bottle in hand.
“What are you doing? That’s the last bottle!” Maria yelped and chewed on her nail anxiously.
“You know what mom, I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw you without a glass of some sort liquor in your hands. Don’t think I don’t see you slipping scotch in to your coffee in the morning when Meredith and Cora aren’t looking.” Sienna said soberly as realization suddenly dawned on her.
“Oh here comes the judgment! Just whom do you think you are passing judgment on me? Treating me as if I’m some alcoholic!” she hissed, her eyes still glued to the bottle as if she were hypnotized.
“Then you don’t mind if I do this then.” Sienna responded by throwing the remaining alcohol down the drain.
“You stupid, stupid little girl! Now look at what you’ve done!” she screeched as she jumped over to the sink only to see her beloved poison seep down the drain. Sienna ignored her and continued her line of questioning.
“So if you and Robert dated way back in high school. How long was your affair with him? The entire time you were married?” she asked feeling disgusted and ashamed of her own mother.
“No it wasn’t like that. Your father was always away working, neglecting me and I knew Robert for years. We were both unhappy in our lives at that point and it kind of just happened.” She said defensively.
“Oh poor you!” Sienna shouted.
“Don’t you dare shout at me!” she screeched.
“You had better lower your voice, the last thing you want is for your precious daughters to find out what a lying tramp you are.” She hissed.
“You can judge me all you want, but you’ll understand when you’re older. How it feels to be stuck in a loveless marriage, watching all your friends moving forward in life with their careers, and with whining selfish children to attend to every hour of every frickin’ day til the day you drop dead! So what if I like a little drink now and again? So what if I like to go out sometimes for a bit of fresh air? Does that make me a bad mother?” she blubbered and started crying. Sienna went and shut the kitchen door. The last thing she needed was the terrible twins to barge in and attack her then find out about her mother’s infidelities; they would ruin her if they ever found out.
“I never said you were a bad mother.”
She sighed as she paced around anxiously.
“You didn’t have to. I can see it in your eyes. The judgment. The hatred.”
“I don’t hate you, mom. I’m not exactly you’re biggest fan right now but I don’t hate you.” Sienna murmured and reached for the old photograph of her mom and a baby Sienna in the hospital.
“You said earlier you sent this photo to my biological father. He sent it back?” she asked quietly already knowing the answer. Her mom nodded and scowled as if recalling the foul incident.
“He didn’t want to know anything about you. He wanted no part in your life and that was fine by me because you already had an amazing father at home waiting for you. Your father did keep one photograph of you but he never said asked about you.” She replied soundly.
“So… you went over to Robert’s house. How is he? Did he… mention me?” she asked curiously after a short moment. Sienna could tell her mother was just itching to ask that question all night. “No. He didn’t. Although Grace had a good laugh about grandma.” Sienna said candidly.
“Grace. I can’t believe they’re still even married. Its only because of the boys he’s still with her.” She scowled bitterly igniting deep sympathy and pity in Sienna’s heart for her mother.
“You still love him? After all these years?” she sighed.
“Your father was a good man, a good father and I loved him but he was obsessed with work, money and success.” She sighed relieved for the first time in her life for having the truth out in the open.
“So you the doting wife decided to relive your glory days and have a child with another married man? Not the best of plans.” Sienna replied and stared ahead deep in thought. She desperately tried to be gentle and compassionate with her mother and understand her but she couldn’t.
“Who is my biological father?” she asked after a few soundless moments. Her breathing grew short and rapid as she anticipated a response. “You don’t need to know.” Maria replied instantly frowning reverting back to the role of angry mommy from the lovesick fool she had been playing earlier.
“I beg to differ. Who is he? Do I even know him?” she asked. A pause dragged on as her mother took more sips of her coffee.
“For the love of God, will you answer me?” she screeched and knocked the mug on to the floor causing it to break and shatter across the floor.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” her mom yelled and jumped back. She heard a strange humming in her ears and smacked her ear slightly to get the voices out. “Nothing. I’m fine.” She huffed and put her fingers in her ears and paced around some more. “Ever since you were a child, you were always weird but I accepted that. But now, its almost as if you’re completely insane. You don’t sleep at night; you talk and yap, yap and yap relentlessly at times like you just can’t stop. Then all of a sudden you sit there moping in bed for days and days at a time. And don’t think I don’t see you talking to yourself.”
“I don’t talk to myself. You’re over reacting as usual and you’re deflecting! Lets go back to the real problems we have! Did dad even know about Annie?” she asked thinking back to the huge argument they had on the night he passed away. Her mother remained silent and jaw clenched. Her facial expression gave Sienna the answer she needed.
“When did he find out? When did he find out that yet again you went behind his back and had an affair and that he was raising another man’s child yet again?” she asked standing taller and coming right up to her mother’s face gazing unflinchingly in to her conflicted guilt-ridden hazel eyes.
“You know when.” She whispered back shakily.
“You let everyone blame me. You let them think it was my fault he died. You let me think for months that it was my fault he died!” she gasped. She felt her shoulders slump and the air suddenly leave her body leaving her feeling completely deflated.
“What are you talking about? Nobody blamed you!” her mother exclaimed baffled by Sienna’s accusations.
“No one can know about Annie. She can never find out! She’s all I have!” Maria hissed as she noticed her daughter going in to another one of her manic episodes. “She’s all you have left of Logan’s dad you mean. God, you’re pathetic. That’s why you disapproved of Logan; you were too scared I would get too close to finding out the truth somehow! And as for Annie she deserves to know the truth about her father one day!” Sienna shouted as her mom tried to grab hold of her arms.
“Get off of me!” Sienna yelled. She could hear the thunderous footsteps of her hefty elder siblings tearing down the staircase.
“I disapproved of Logan because he’s extremely wealthy, chauvinistic and too good for you. I’m trying to save you a lifetime of pain. Walk away from him now before its too late. Before you end up marrying the wrong man, living in the wrong house, hearing constant lies about how much he loves you and is going to leave his wife for you until one day out f the blue he decides you’re not worth it and he dismisses you like a scorned child. So in the end all you’re left with is a broken heart and a void nothing in this world can fill but him. You spend years yearning for a just mere glance of him. That’s what you’re subdued to.” She whimpered and collapsed in to a fit of gasping tears.
She was a trembling tear jerking mess. Meredith and Cora burst in to the kitchen and took in the situation immediately.
“What the hell is going on?” Cora barked as she danced around the broken bits of porcelain. She was barefoot so that can tell you all about her level of intellect and refinement.
“Who broke my coffee mug?” Meredith squawked staring straight at Sienna’s face as if that was the biggest problem this family were facing.
“What’s going on?” she then asked inquisitively. She waited for her mom to say something, anything, but she didn’t. She remained mute and impassive just like her heart. Instead she wiped away her tears and started gathering up the letters and returning them back in to the box.
“Nothing. I’ll clean up the mess. Just…go back to bed.” Sienna sighed as her mom avoided her disappointed gaze. “I’m not going anywhere until somebody tells me what the hell’s going on!” Meredith yelled then screwed her eyes at Sienna for a few short moments.
“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” she gasped. Sienna stilled instantly as all eyes fell upon her followed by deafening silence.
7.
“No!” Sienna yelped suddenly.
“God, why would you even think that?” she asked outraged that she would even think that. Did her family know her at all?
“What? Its not a shocking question with the way you’ve been behaving recently.” She said derisively with a sneer on her face. Sienna closed her eyes and took a deep breath, choosing to ignore her sister even though it was clear she had been sent on Earth to drive Sienna crazy.
“I’m not pregnant. I’m still a virgin. Not that it’s any of your damn business!” She sighed annoyed with her sister’s disbelieving looks.
“Well then why is mom crying?” she bellowed.
“I’m fine, girls, honestly go to bed.” She replied softly and blew her nose on a piece of Kleenex tissue. Meredith and Cora exchanged disbelieving looks with each other and stood their ground. They weren’t going anywhere without answers.
“Are you going to tell them or should I?” Sienna asked her mother. Her mother stood up and wrapped her arms around her eldest daughters and took a deep breath.
“I will.” She replied shakily.
“Tell us what?” Meredith asked sounding like a frightened child. Cora remained silent and wide-eyed as if she were expecting her mom to announce she had cancer or something. “Just say it mom!” Meredith yapped. Her heart raced and thudded against her ribcage rhythmically sounding like the hooves of a thoroughbred charging for battle. ‘This is it. She’s finally going to tell them about her all of her affairs. She’ll tell them how it wasn’t my fault daddy died. She’s finally going to tell them about her drink problem. Finally, everything will be out in the open and I won’t feel so alone buried alive w
ith all these secrets anymore.’ She thought feeling immensely relieved. Maria rubbed her beloved daughter’s backs and looked at them lovingly before turning to look at Sienna. Something suddenly shifted in her hazel eyes that sparked confusion in Sienna’s mind.
“Your sister is severely ill. She has been for quite some time. She needs medical and professional help.” She breathed out and looked at Sienna worryingly. Sienna could see both her sisters exhale breaths of relief simultaneously as they took in the new information.
“What? Me? I’m fine! You’re the one who needs help!” Sienna shouted. How dare she? How dare she turn this all on me? She thought frantically. Meredith hugged her mom tightly. “Oh thank God, for a second there I thought you were going to say cancer.” She said erratically.
“Oh for the love of God and all that is holy! I am not pregnant and I do not have cancer! What the hell goes on in your head?” Sienna shrieked exasperatedly putting her hands in the air and began taking her shoes off. Her feet were sore from wearing heels for so long and her mind was torn up from lack of sleep and an overdose of family drama.
“I don’t care about you, you idiot! I was talking about mom. Just for a moment there, I thought you were seriously ill or something.” Meredith sighed.