by Harper, Ali
“I know you don’t like Logan but-“
“Does he make you happy?” Meredith asked snappily.
“Yes.” Sienna replied honestly thrown by the sudden question.
“And is he good to you?” she asked.
“Yes.” she replied confidently to her older sister.
“Then it really doesn’t matter what I think, does it?” she smiled meaningfully.
The elevator doors opened slowly and Meredith was all straight-faced and woman on a mission again swiftly pushing Sienna whilst they peered in to different rooms and windows. She looked up at the sign above the double doors she was about to pass through. “Robert Jackson ward” she read out. Logan’s father was famous for his generosity and charity work.
“Daddy Warbucks even has a hospital ward named after him. Must be nice to have so much money flying out of his ass that he just doesn’t even know what to do with it all.”
“Forget that. I could have sworn I saw a Logan Jackson ward somewhere in this building.” Meredith added bewilderedly.
“Meredith!” she hissed as she saw Mr. Jackson up ahead pacing around talking on the phone. “What? I’ll give Logan a pass. It doesn’t mean I’ve got to like his family.” She hissed back. Mr. Jackson’s eyes fell upon Sienna and quickly snapped his cell phone shut. “What the hell do you think you’re doing here?” he asked outraged.
“I was just-“
“How can you even show your face after what you’ve done?” Mr. Jackson barked causing her to jump slightly in her seat. The nurses at the end of the hallway were looking at her questioningly.
“I’m sorry. Please I just want to talk to him, just for five minutes.” Sienna gulped looking up at him with such sad old soul watery eyes that looked so battered down by life that Mr. Jackson couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty inside but refused to show it. Instead he just looked away. Meredith began pushing her towards the door but Sienna put a hand over hers signaling for her to stop. “I really am sorry sir. I never wanted Logan to be there that night. You have to believe me. I love him.” She whispered as if that explained everything and excused her reckless and selfish behavior.
“Love? You love him? Tell me what does a seventeen year old really know of love? Do you even understand what love is? If you loved him you would never have thrown your life out on to the tracks and dragged him down along with you.” He whispered coldly as he leaned over her chair and spat the words of hatred in to her ear. Sienna trembled in her seat. Logan’s father really was quite terrifying. She finally understood why he had always felt so intimidated by his father. Meredith pushed the wheelchair over his foot causing him to yelp with pain and curse.
“Oops. Sorry.” She retorted nonchalantly and knocked on Logan’s door whilst muttering ‘asshole’ under her breath. She opened the door without waiting for a response, an annoying habit of hers she had since childhood. The first thing Sienna noticed was how different their rooms were. Hers was small, infinitely cramped and colorless and drab. His on the other hand was a large room filled with ‘get well soon’ hampers and flowers and was bursting with sunlight and friends. She could see Bethany, Trent and Rose huddled around his bed sitting on chairs laughing. All their laughter ceased as soon as they saw who was at the door.
“How dare you show your face here?” his mother snapped. She had been smoking a cigarette near the window and instantly crushed it on a small plate nearby. She was still undeniably beautiful yet today her real age showed. Her skin looked tired and pale and Sienna was sure she was to blame. Her eyes finally found a bare-chested Logan who lay back against his fluffed pillows, his right arm was held in a sling and his foot was in a cast and he had bruising all over the right side of his jaw and ribcage. He still looked effortlessly handsome, like a king covered in impressive battle scars surrounded by his loving loyal admirers. She was nothing more than the wicked witch who had stormed in to the castle uninvited. He was looking at her with a hooded guarded expression on his face. His eyes searched over her body worriedly. Despite all that she had put him through he couldn’t help but internally panic. Why was she sitting in a wheelchair? Why didn’t anyone tell me she was awake? Is she okay?
He was unable to voice his thoughts rendered speechless simply because of the way she was looking at him. She had never looked at him like that before. Her eyes flowed with tears of a mixture of joy and anguish. If any human heart were capable of loving someone so much that it would physically combust and burst in to glorious flames then it would be Sienna’s. For surely no one loved had ever loved another the way she loved her Logan.
“Get out.” He whispered his voice strong and sturdy and not trembling and shaking like a leaf like hers. His pensive gaze fused to hers.
“You heard him. Get out!” His mother hissed a she dug her nails in to her palms irritably. Sienna’s heart plummeted to her gut.
“Not you. Everyone else get out.” He whispered loud enough for everyone to hear. “Logan-“ Bethany began speaking unsurely but he merely silenced her with his next words.
“I SAID GET OUT! LEAVE US!” he roared.
Everyone silently stood up and left the room. Jake squeezed her arm affectionately as he left. Rose glanced at Sienna worriedly then quickly averted her stare and paced after Bethany who was already in the hallway watching her like a hawk. Grace gave her a long icy lingering glare before she left that raised the hair at the back of her neck. That look alone spoke volumes and probably had the power to raise the dead if it were possible. Everyone hated her. She didn’t blame them. She hated herself too. He signaled for her to come closer with his fingers. His face impassive was showing no emotion. Meredith began pushing her but Sienna stopped her and stood. She was grateful for the white terry cloth robe she had on top of her backless hospital gown She then slowly made her way to sit on the edge of Logan’s bed relieving him of one of his worries. ‘She can walk at least’ he thanked God that she was even alive as the image of her lying in a pool of her own blood flashed before his eyes.
“I’ll be outside when you’re ready.” Meredith said and quickly left closing the door behind her. Even she looked a little frightened by Logan’s demeanor. He was a lot like his father in that regard.
“Are you okay?” she asked anxiously her eyes canning over his broken body. He didn’t say anything.
“Please say something.” She whispered as he continued to glare at her unnervingly. “How are you feeling?” he asked politely as if he were a stranger. He was keeping his distance. He had already been hurt too much. He didn’t think he could bear it again. “I’m fine. Just a little cut on my head. Nothing to worry about.” She whispered and gave him that broken smile of hers. He nodded and looked ahead staring blankly in to oblivion. She moved closer to him stroked his arm lovingly.
“Please, don’t shut me out.” She whispered and kissed his shoulder tenderly. She let her fingers slide down over the bruises covering his ribcage and abdomen. He was in so much pain because of her. The guilt was overwhelming her.
“Stop.” He breathed heavily and leaned forward putting his head in his hands. She had no idea of the magnetizing effect she had on him. The trail of her touch made his body shiver with desire.
“Stop manipulating me in to forgiving you.” He sighed and looked at her shocked face.
“What did I do?” she asked innocently and looked genuinely confused as she withdrew her hand. Her cheeks blushed with shame as rejection settled in to her.
“You can’t just come in here and kiss me and touch me and expect me to instantly forgive you.” He said angrily.
“It doesn’t work that way.” He sighed and leaned back against his pillows and winced at the pain. “You’re right. The last thing I want is to hurt you any further. Logan, I am so sorry.” She cried. Logan wondered if he had ever seen anyone cry more beautifully than her. Her luminous emerald eyes glowed with sparkling tears, her pink pouty lips quivered rose petals in the soft breeze of spring.
“You have to know that if I could
go back in time I would have taken your hand and gotten off those tracks.” She whimpered. Her hands were clutched together nervously almost as is she was praying for mercy and forgiveness.
“But you can’t go back in time and you didn’t take my hand when I told you I loved you and to trust me.”
“Logan, I-“
“Did you ever love me?”
“Of course I did. Yes! I loved you. I still love you.” She gasped in between tears. “I’ve loved you since I was a little girl. I’ve loved you since the first day I met you in kindergarten. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember.” She whispered and wiped her tears. “Yet somehow that wasn’t enough?” he asked his voice deep, rich and gravelly with emotion.
“I’m sorry.” She apologized and reached out and squeezed his hands.
“How can I be with someone who doesn’t trust me and was willing to let me grieve her? How can I be with someone who knew I would feel guilty about her death? How can I be with someone who puts her life at risk constantly?” he asked gripping her scarred wrists tightly causing her to tremble.
“Because I’m better now. I’m on medication. I’m getting help. I won’t hurt myself again. I swear.” She explained speaking rapidly.
“Promise me. Promise me that you’ll never attempt to end your life again?”
“I promise.” She whispered earnestly. He relaxed just then as they both knew Sienna had a thing for always keeping her promises.
“Come here. Closer.” He purred as she drew close to him only inches away from his face. “Closer.” She could feel his hand on the small of her back and the warmth of his breath on her cheek as his lips grazed her lips, her jawline, her neck then all the way up to her ears without actually kissing her. Sienna’s heart fluttered with anticipation. She started breathing shallowly and rapidly. This was it. He was finally going to forgive her and all would be well.
“Would you like to know something?” he asked softly in to her ear. This was it. This was the moment he would declare his love for her once more and hold her I his arms. He then stroked her full lips with his thumb.
“I’ve never loved you. I only said it that night so you wouldn’t throw yourself at the train. I mean what kind of person would it make me if I let you die? I was only with you so I could be the first person in Haven Falls to bend you over. You were just for bragging rights.” He said sweetly with an innocent yet mischievous look in his dark pensive eyes.
“What?” she sputtered not believing her ears and slowly moved back as if she had heard wrong.
“It’s true. I never loved you. Sorry.” He said as nonchalantly shrugging as Meredith did when she ran over Mr. Jackson’s foot with the wheelchair. He apologized as if he were two minutes late to a date, or if he had accidentally bumped in to her shoulder. “Oh come on sweetheart, enough of the tears. You’ll get over me. One day.” He said airily and reached in to one of his hampers.
“Ooh chocolate chip. You want one?” he asked showing her the basket full of mini muffins.
“No. I don’t want a damn muffin! Logan, what are you saying?” she snapped and crossed her arms over her chest defensively.
“Oh boy.” He rolled his eyes.
“Okay let me put it to you bluntly. I,” he said extremely slowly pointing to himself. “Wanted to… screw… you. I was always going to leave you once I’d had my fun.” He explained easily and took a bite out of his muffin. “Mm, this is delicious. Are you sure you don’t want one?” he asked angelically. “Meredith…” she whispered unable to speak any louder.
“I probably would have still kept up with the charade if it wasn’t for you being so cuckoo.” He whistled then leaned back and reached for a novel Lord of the Flies.
“It’s just not worth it.” He replied and flicked to the middle of the novel and began silently reading.
“Why are you saying this?” she asked aghast, her face pale as a sheet.
“Sweetheart, it’s nothing personal.” He replied then yawned as if he had grown tired of her.
“You do love me. I know you do. I saw it in your eyes. You threw me over your shoulder and saved me. You shielded my body with yours. You took the brunt of the force. I remember!” she gasped as the fuzzy memories resurfaced.
“Come on Sienna be smart. I’ve known you since forever I wasn’t exactly going to let you martyr yourself, any normal person would have shoved you out of the way. And I most definitely am not in love with you. Think about it. I only ever showed real interest in you when you came back junior year all pretty faced, doe-eyed and gorgeous. Before that have I ever tried to kiss you?” he asked.
“No.” she replied defeated and slumped in to her wheelchair.
“And I only ever kissed you at the dance so I could show everyone that I could get any girl I wanted, even the pretty self-righteous virtuous good girl who already had a boyfriend. To prove that all I have to do is click my fingers and you’ll come running.” He smirked clicking his fingers then went back to his book.
“Oh, you can leave now. This ‘relationship’ is about as over and broken as my leg and by the looks of it your heart.” He said dismissing her as he continued to read avidly as if he hadn’t read the novel four times before. Sienna called for Meredith once more who came bustling in and quickly strolled Sienna out quiet as a mouse as if she had heard the entire conversation. She wondered if everyone had heard the conversation as Rose looked at her pityingly. Jake nodded at Meredith causing her to fumble with the door handles of the large double doors situated in the hallway. Sienna wondered about the enticing imperishable effect the Jackson males had on the River girls that always left them inevitable heartbroken. Everything felt numb.
Sienna just sat frozen in her chair rendered speechless. Her brain was still processing what had happened. Her entire body shivered even though she didn’t feel cold. Something changed inside of Sienna that day. That was the day she had decided to never give her heart to anyone ever again, only for them to tear it apart. She thought back to her parent’s marriage, and all the marriages and relationships she had witnessed in her life.
All of them always ended in tears. She thought of all the times she had heard her parents swear and curse each other, all the times her mother had been unfaithful to her father, and vice versa, all the times she had witnessed her uncle beating his wife, all the times that she herself had been cheated on, the girls in Hawaii, the girl on the phone, it all made sense now. Sienna had been so blind to it all. She had been so blinded by the fact that someone had noticed her and thrown her crumbs of affection and attention that she pounced and latched on to it unwittingly. She wondered why humans put themselves through this unimaginable cycle of pain so often in their lives only to get so little in return. Why would anyone ever want to love again after being treated so badly?
She vowed to never love again. It was easier just to hate and to be hated than to love and never be loved back. It hurt too much. Logan didn’t even glance up at her as she left probably because he was too busy engrossed in to the world wherein even innocent children exploited the true raw character of humans.
In reality, Logan didn’t look up at her as she left because he couldn’t. He knew that if he did his façade would crumble and so would he. He’d return to that weeping needy mess and he wasn’t that guy. He refused to be that guy; the guy whose sole reason for existence was some girl. He was Logan Jackson for God’s sake! He didn’t need anyone. Then why did his feel so alone when she left? He despised how much he loved and adored her. He despised that despite the fact that she was the selfish cruel one who wanted to leave him and the world without so much as a simple explanation, he turned out to be the bad guy. He wanted nothing more than to hold her and nurture her back to health but he was hurt. And like all wounded creatures Logan slipped in to his defense mode, guarded and distant. Its as if he wanted to be the bad guy, as if he wanted her to hate him.
“Sienna, are you okay?” Meredith asked after several moments of silence as they went back to her room. �
��I’m fine. I’m always fine.” She replied smoothly and stared blankly ahead. Those were the last words she spoke to anyone for three weeks straight.
11.
“Open your mouth.” Ebony said irritably only to find the pill lodged under Sienna’s tongue.
“Swallow it.” She reprimanded with a stern look on her face and her hands on her hips. Sienna merely rolled her eyes and swallowed her meds with a glass of water then retreated back to her spot on the couch. She hated the way the made her feel dizzy and off. Basically making her not exactly herself. She had to take lithium for her mood swings, Prozac for her depression and antipsychotic called Clorazil for her hallucinations.
The most annoying part of Sienna’s stay in the Haven Falls General Hospital psychiatric ward were the doctors and their incessant need to talk about everything. Sienna decided it to be better if she didn’t speak to anyone at all to avoid conversation. The patients had gathered around to watch ‘It’s a wonderful life’ together. She didn’t appreciate the irony. Ebony had been Sienna’s care worker for almost a month now and she had never heard a word come out of her mouth. She would just sit there for hours either playing chess by herself or read that Lord of the Flies book of hers. She wouldn’t interact with any of the other young girls here. Sometimes she would just stare blankly out at the window for hours, with her pretty pale face and long dark hair and flowing white dress, she looked like something out of a horror movie.
It unnerved Ebony although didn’t show it. She watched the girl like a hawk. On more than one occasion she would catch her vomiting out her pills.