Obsession: A Love on the Edge romance

by Sharon Cullen

  They’d been through the tests, countless hours of sitting in doctor’s offices, enduring their poking and prodding, waiting for results only to discover nothing wrong with either of them. Then they’d found out Tess was pregnant with Maggie and for five brief months life had been perfect. Or so he had thought. Now he wondered if Tess’s loneliness and discontent with his work schedule was beginning even back then. Before Maggie’s death.

  Movement to his left had him turning in that direction just as Roger stepped out of the shadows. Alex experienced a déjà vu stronger than any before. A shadow emerging from the deeper shadows. A hand knocking his hat off. Gunshots. The pounding of retreating feet.

  Roger laid a hand on his shoulder and Alex pulled his thoughts back to the present. “You okay? You look like you saw a ghost.” Roger’s concerned gaze looked him over. His own face was drawn and pale. No doubt Roger had been up all night while Shannon gave birth. “Knee bothering you?” he asked.

  Alex shrugged his hand away. “The knee’s fine.”

  Roger backed into the shadows and leaned a shoulder against the wall. “Heard you’ve been asked to come back.”

  Alex shot a look at Tess but she was too busy studying the baby and talking to her nieces to have heard. He had planned to tell her over dinner tonight, but now he considered putting it off. She was dealing with enough crap with the baby. Chicken. You’re afraid of her reaction.

  “So, you coming back?” Roger looked at his wife and four kids without expression. Shouldn’t he be over there with his new daughter? Then again, for Roger this was a bi-annual occurrence. Still, fourth or tenth, Alex would have been right beside Tess.

  “If I can get Dr. Ford to sign the medical release.”

  “Alex, come here and meet Theresa Margaret,” Shannon called.

  He stilled. “You named her Margaret?” he said to Roger. What the hell? Surely even Shannon couldn’t be that dimwitted to name her daughter after Tess’s dead daughter, could she?

  Roger looked away. “Shannon’s idea. She said you wouldn’t mind.”

  Of course she did. Sometimes Shannon still managed to surprise him.

  Stiffly, forcing his legs to move, he walked over to the chair and looked down at the sleeping newborn in Tess’s lap. Theresa’s top lip hung over her bottom. One hand curled around her ear. Bright red tufts of hair stuck straight up from her scalp.

  The red hair reminded him of Maggie. By the time he’d made it to the hospital she’d already been taken to the morgue, but he’d been able to see her. She’d been so damn tiny—a lot tinier than this baby. He hadn’t been able to hold her, not because they wouldn’t let him, but because he just couldn’t. He’d felt too guilty, had been too angry at himself and so damn scared that it could have been Tess lying there. And relieved that it wasn’t. He’d never admitted that to anyone, especially not Tess. The overwhelming, knee-weakening relief of learning that Tess was okay. The prayer of thanks he’d sent up to God that He’d spared his wife and taken the baby instead.

  Tess looked up at him with pleading eyes, silently begging him not to say anything. So she’d known the baby’s name and hadn’t told him. For some reason he felt a sense of betrayal.

  “Would you like to hold her?” she asked, even though her body language screamed she didn’t want to give the baby up.

  Watching Tess hold the baby made him hurt. He wished he could give her the baby she so desperately wanted. He stepped back, shook his head. If she’d lived, Maggie would have been sixteen months. He thought about that a lot. Every month he wondered what she would look like, what milestones she would have achieved. With that red hair she probably would have been a replica of Tess. But he often wondered what qualities he would have been passed on to her.

  “It’s time to go if you want to eat,” he said.

  Tess nodded and held the baby tighter. Startled at the sudden movement, Theresa threw her hands out and scrunched up her tiny face. Tess soothed her by uttering words Alex couldn’t hear.

  Heart heavy, he walked to the door and waited for Tess to relinquish the baby to her mother. She took her time smoothing the blanket and running a finger down the baby’s red cheek, a wistful smile on her face.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Alex reached across the table and pulled Tess’s arms from around her waist. “Stop it.”

  She blinked and focused on him. “Stop what?”

  “Stop going to that place you go to when you think about Maggie. Stop shutting me out of your thoughts.”

  Was that what she’d been doing? Shutting him out? She had been thinking of Maggie, but she didn’t think she’d been shutting him out.

  His gaze met hers. “Whenever you get like this it’s almost impossible to reach you.”

  She opened her mouth to deny his accusations, then closed it, remembering the days and weeks after Maggie’s death, the incredible grief and all-consuming pain. She’d retreated to a place deep inside, a place where the outside world wouldn’t tread on her feelings. After a while it had become harder and harder to pull herself from that private place.

  Holding her niece had been more difficult than she had expected. It reminded her of holding Maggie’s still body and staring at her chest, willing her to breathe, to wake up. To live.

  Yet holding Theresa had also helped her let go of her grief, to realize that there would always be a place in her heart for Maggie, but there was also a place for another baby, and that baby didn’t necessarily have to be her biological child.

  Adoption. It had been a word people had mentioned to her before but one she had brushed off for different reasons. Now, she thought about it and realized that a part of her was excited and scared at the same time.

  “What do you think about maybe adopting a baby?” she asked, staring hard at Alex to catch his reaction.

  He took her hand, keeping his expression neutral. “Sweetheart, whatever you want.”

  “You don’t care if the baby isn’t biologically ours?”

  “Would you?”

  She shook her head. “In every other way it would be.”

  “Are you sure?” he asked. “Is this what you want?”

  She thought about it for a minute. “I want a baby. I want to be a mom. How it happens doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “We’ll look into it,” he said, his eyes warm and full of love. “Why didn’t you tell me Shannon named the baby after Maggie?”

  She flinched and tried to pull her hand away but he wouldn’t let her go.

  “You thought I would get mad, didn’t you?”

  “Aren’t you?” She raised her eyes to his.

  “I’m more angry that you didn’t tell me. You have to trust me, Tess.”

  Tess looked away. Was that why she hadn’t told him? Because she didn’t trust him? She hadn’t thought so, but maybe he was right. “I’m sorry.”

  He touched her face, traced her cheek with the pad of his finger. “I love you, Tess. We’re learning, that’s all. And we’ll get it right eventually.”

  She leaned into his touch. “It was hard, holding Theresa. I missed Maggie.”

  He pulled his hand away and Tess expected him to pull away mentally as well, but to her surprise he didn’t. “She reminded me of Maggie, with the red hair.”

  Tears sprang to Tess’s eyes but she blinked them away. This was the first conversation they’d had about their daughter that didn’t deal with anger and recriminations. “She didn’t have as much hair as Theresa.”

  Alex didn’t say anything and her heart fell. He was pushing her away again, unwilling to talk about their daughter. There had been days after Maggie’s death when she’d ached to talk to Alex about her, but he’d always turned away.

  “I never got to hold her.” He sounded so lost, so sad. “I saw her in the morgue, but I couldn’t hold her.” He cleared his throat and looked away.

  The waitress arrived with their drinks and Alex grabbed his bottle of beer and concentrated on picking at the label, his expression closed.<
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  The moment was over, but Tess knew there would be others. That this was just the beginning.

  She leaned her elbows on the scarred Formica table. “So, tell me about your meeting with the lieutenant.”

  “They’re closing the case,” he said to the bottle.

  For a moment she was so shocked she couldn’t say anything.

  He pulled off a big chunk of the label and rolled it into a ball. “They think the drug ring moved on. The detectives don’t have any other leads.”

  “But that’s not right! What about Jason? The man killed your contact and they’re just closing the case? Just like that?”

  Alex lifted his gaze to hers in amusement. “It’s not officially closed, but the detectives won’t be spending all their time on it.”

  “It’s still not right.”

  A corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. “I agree, but there’s not much we can do about it.”

  “Don’t blame yourself, Alex. It’s not your fault.”

  “If I could remember who shot me and who killed Jason, this wouldn’t be happening.”

  “You’ll remember.”

  “The doctors said I may not.”

  They lapsed into silence until the waitress arrived with their dinner. Then they ate in silence. A miniature train on a track suspended above their heads whistled a long, thin wail. The group of men at the next table laughed.

  Tess dunked her last fry in the ketchup, popped it in her mouth and chewed. “So, did the lieutenant want to talk about anything else or just update you on the case?”

  His gaze slid away from hers and the fries and burger she’d just eaten formed a big ball in her stomach.

  “Alex? What’d the lieutenant really want?”

  He pushed the rest of his fries into a small pile.

  Tess sat back and put her hands over her roiling stomach. “Damn it, just say it.”

  Alex wouldn’t look at her. Because he was afraid she’d see the need in his eyes? The need to return to work?

  “Who was it that said we had to stop keeping things from each other?” Her mouth was dry, her words angry. Damn it, she’d thought they were making progress. How could he be angry at her for keeping things from him when he was doing the same thing?

  “I planned on telling you. But after Shannon and the baby, I decided to hold off.”

  “I’m a big girl, I can take it.”

  A few beats of silence followed. “They need me to return to work.”

  “When?”

  “As soon as I can get Dr. Ford to sign the papers.”

  All good things must end. And the end had come. Soon the cop’s life would suck Alex back in.

  “If you don’t want me to go back, I won’t.”

  “You’d do that?” He’d give up his career, everything he worked for, just because she asked?

  “I’d do anything to save our marriage. I’d hoped you’d realize that by now.”

  He was offering her everything she wished for, but at what price? What if she told him to forget the job and the career he loved? How much time would that give them before he resented her for taking away what made him Alexandre Juran?

  He sat back, a muscle in his jaw ticking, his eyes hard and cold. “I thought this was what you wanted.”

  Six months ago, definitely. A month ago, maybe. Now? Now she didn’t know. She’d learned a lot of things about her husband since the shooting, but more importantly, she’d learned a lot about herself.

  Alex wasn’t the only one to blame for their almost-failed marriage. She was stronger than she thought because she’d bucked up and taken over his care when he needed her the most. She’d also reaffirmed her waning belief in the power of love—the power of Alex’s love and her love for him. And they’d come so far discussing Maggie and everything else that had stood like an elephant between them.

  She had felt abandoned in their marriage. Maggie’s death had shed a large spotlight on things she hadn’t been happy with for a long time, but they were working on that. Alex was working on that. She didn’t feel that way anymore and just because he was returning to work, it didn’t mean he would revert to his old ways.

  She hoped. The only way to find out was to jump in with both feet.

  “What do you want, Tess?”

  I want it all. I want what we’ve had for the past month. I don’t want your job to come between us again. “I want us both to be happy.”

  “You want me to make the decision. I can’t do that, Tess, because either way I lose.”

  “Either way I lose, too.”

  He shook his head. “Why won’t you trust me to do the right thing? Why do you keep punishing me for the past?”

  Is that what she’d been doing? Punishing him?

  She stared at Alex, her heart realizing her answer before her brain. She didn’t want another separation, and she didn’t want a divorce. She wanted Alex.

  She pried his fingers from the bottle of beer he was clutching so tightly. He looked at her with dark eyes and she smiled. “You can’t be anything other than a cop. And you can’t be anything other than my husband. Go back to work, we’ll figure this out.”

  He squeezed her hand. “You sure?”

  “Definitely.”

  ***

  Everything would work out. For the first time Tess truly believed that. She had Alex. They had their love.

  She stretched against her husband. Desire and need pulsed through her stomach, spreading to her arms and legs. Her heart. Alex nipped her naked breast as his body slid up hers. She opened beneath him, sensing a difference in their lovemaking this night, an unspoken vow to remember their love and commitment to each other. The reverence of his touches astounded her, humbled her and brought tears of joy to her eyes.

  This went beyond the joining of two bodies, beyond the joining of two souls, into a realm they’d never crossed before.

  Alex entered her and paused, staring into her eyes. His feelings warmed her, enlivened her. If she’d been standing, the intense love she was staring at would have brought her to her knees.

  Everything would work out.

  Everything would be all right.

  They had each other and they had their love.

  ***

  “You’re a remarkable man, Mr. Juran.” While Dr. Ford looked over Alex’s file, Tess held her breath. She wanted the doctor to sign the medical release because that’s what Alex wanted, but the doctor had taken her time, checking Alex out, consulting with the physical therapist.

  So far, the doctor had remained tightlipped about her decision. She shook her head and clucked her tongue at the pages in front of her. Alex’s fingers tightened around Tess’s.

  Dr. Ford closed the file and folded her hands on top of it, looking at Alex over her glasses. “So you want to return to work.”

  “I feel I’m ready.”

  “I’m sure you do. It’s been three months to the day that you were shot. Quite an anniversary, eh?”

  Alex remained silent but Tess could feel him stiffen.

  “The knee may seem strong,” Dr. Ford said. “You may walk without a limp, but the ligaments are still healing.”

  Alex swallowed but held the doctor’s gaze.

  “You’re a determined young man.” She glanced from Alex to Tess. “In more than your recuperation.”

  Alex smiled and squeezed Tess’s hand. “Yes, ma’am.”

  She tapped the folder in front of her. “And if I don’t sign those papers of yours?”

  “I can’t return to work without your signature.” His voice sounded strained.

  “No, I don’t suppose you can.” She opened the folder and extracted the medical release. “At the risk of repeating myself, you’re a remarkable man. I saw your determination when we first met and you informed me your wife wasn’t returning.” She shot Alex a mischievous smile, causing them both to laugh.

  “I was mistaken,” he said.

  Dr. Ford reached for a pen. “Glad to see you’re human.” She sign
ed the release and handed it to Alex. “I can’t allow you to return at full capacity, I’m sorry.”

  Tess’s stomach clenched and she glanced at Alex who was staring stony faced at the doctor, the form crinkling in his hand.

  “The knee hasn’t had adequate time to heal fully,” the doctor said. “However, I believe you are ready to return to light duty for the time being.” She looked up at Alex and put her pen down. “You’re disappointed.”

  “I was hoping for a full return.”

  “I’m sure you were. Be patient. It will happen. Three months ago, I wouldn’t have said that. Three months ago, I was convinced you’d never return to police work, but you’ve proved me wrong. Don’t overdo it now, Officer. Take it easy, keep up with your physical therapy and see me in six weeks. We’ll reevaluate then.”

  They walked out of the office in silence, still holding hands.

  “I’m sorry,” Tess said.

  “No. Don’t be. She’s right. We never thought I’d get this far. I just need to be patient.” They laughed together because they both knew patience wasn’t one of Alex’s virtues. “And light duty’s not all that bad. At least I’m going back. You sure you’re okay with this?”

  Surprisingly, she was. She’d made peace with the past and with Alex’s career. Things had changed between them. They talked more, they were more open with each other and because of that their love was deeper and sweeter. He swore he’d say “no” more often when asked to take on extra projects and she believed him.

  “I’m okay with this,” she said.

  Alex grinned and kissed her temple. “I love you, Tessie.”

  ***

  Tess settled the last of the apple pies in the back of the van and straightened, massaging the small of her back. She ached in places long forgotten. Their lovemaking last night had been…athletic. She chuckled and shut the van doors. The sun had yet to rise and she’d already been up two hours. She envied Alex, still fast asleep and warm under the covers with Othello lying on his feet.