The Best Laid Plans

by Lauren Gallagher

  “It’s not you I’m concerned about.”

  A cold prickly feeling formed in the pit of my stomach. “Do you really think Gabe would leave you?”

  Shahid flinched. He lowered his gaze and stared at his wringing hands. “I don’t know. I really don’t. The thing is, this… What we were doing, it goes back to something that was a bone of contention back when we first started dating. I thought I was okay with it. Now…”

  “You’re not sure?”

  Still not looking at me, he nodded. “I’ve known since we met that he’s bi. And I wasn’t too sure about dating a bi man, but he seemed satisfied being with only me. So I thought…okay, we can do this.” He released a long breath. “There’s two problems now, though. He’s been catching grief from his parents ever since he first introduced them to me. And especially the last couple of years, it’s been wearing on him.”

  “I can imagine,” I said quietly. Hell, I’d witnessed it firsthand. The way he looked ready to buckle while defending his husband, his marriage, his solo appearances at holiday gatherings. How exhausted he’d been on the way home. How needy he’d been when we’d fucked in the backseat.

  I winced—had that been on par with what we’d done after my appointment? Sex for the hell of it, for stress relief, instead of specifically fucking with a conception in mind? Where were the damned lines?

  Shahid sighed. “Anyway, part of me has been afraid for a while now that one of these days, he’s going to get tired of spending every family gathering defending his choice to be with me. That he’s going to get tired of spending family gatherings alone.” He paused, clearing his throat, and met my eyes. “And now I’m scared to death that he’s going to realize how much easier his life would be with you.”

  That ball of lead seemed to drop even lower, and my jaw fell open. “What? You really think—”

  “Yes, I do,” he snapped, though his voice was shaky. “I have no doubt that he loves me. But there’s no pretending that being with me isn’t complicated.”

  “And he knows that too, but is being with anyone simple?”

  “It’s simpler when—”

  “Shahid.” I shook my head. “He knew what he was getting into. And even when he’s bitched about his family, or been down because you’re working long shifts, I have never heard him utter a single word that didn’t boil down to wanting to spend more time with you.”

  His eyes narrowed a little. “I don’t suppose he’s mentioned lately how much he’s decided he likes spending time with you.”

  I swallowed, drawing back slightly. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean he’s got more feelings for you than I think I can deal with.”

  My lips parted. “More… What?”

  “Come on, Kendra.” He sighed heavily. “Isn’t it obvious? He loves you.” Another sigh, this one full of resignation, and his voice wavered as he added, “I think he always has, but now…”

  “So you’re worried he’ll…” I shook my head. “You think he wants to be with me instead of you?”

  “I don’t know,” he said so softly I barely heard him. “All I know is that he’s in love with you, and…competing with women was one thing. Competing with an actual woman who’s there, who can give him things I can’t, who won’t cause his family to—”

  “Shahid. Stop. Just stop.” I held his gaze. “Whatever he feels for me, there’s no way in hell it holds a candle to what he feels for you.”

  He locked eyes with me, and the slight arch of his eyebrow said nothing if not Yeah? Prove it.

  “My God,” I said. “I don’t know how you can possibly not see what I do.”

  He eyed me. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean Gabe… That man worships you.” I threw up my hands. “Jesus. On days when he knows you’ll be home, while half the faculty is groaning about going home to their spouses, he’s making a beeline for the door with a silly grin on his face. And when you went to Mecca last year, you should have seen him the last three days you were gone. Even the students noticed.”

  Shahid swallowed. “Really?”

  “Yes. I mean, even if he does have feelings for me, even if he really is in love with me, I can’t see how anything he felt for me could possibly begin to compete with how he feels about you.” I took a breath. “Shahid, when the three of us have all been in bed together, it isn’t like he’s focused on me and ignoring you. There’ve been a few times, I’ve caught him staring at you, and I wonder if he even remembers I’m in the room.”

  Shahid chewed his lip. “You have?”

  “More than once.” I swallowed hard, cleared my throat to compose myself and went on, “You’re a lucky guy. I would give my right arm for a man like Gabe, but I’d never dream of taking him away from you even if it I could. And there’s no way I could. Wild horses couldn’t drag that man away from you.”

  Shahid blinked a few times and then swiped at his eyes. When he met my gaze, his eyes were dry, but the emotion was still there.

  “Gabe’s an amazing guy,” I said. “And he’s not exactly slumming it with you, you know.”

  Shahid straightened. “What?”

  “You’re awesome too. I—” Emotion tried to take over, but I tamped it down. “You’re one of the sweetest, most generous men I’ve ever known. I couldn’t begin to tell you which of you I envy more.” I cleared my throat. “Anyone would be lucky to have either of you, and for as much unfair bullshit as there is in this world, one of the few things that gives me faith that things do work out sometimes is looking at the two of you.”

  He clenched his jaw as if trying to keep his composure.

  “No matter what,” I said, barely whispering now, “there is no way in hell I would ever do anything to come between you two.”

  “I know you wouldn’t.” He took a deep breath. “And thank you. For everything you’ve said. I don’t know what’s going to happen now. Gabe and I, we’ve got some things we need to sort through.”

  The guilt physically hurt, and I barely kept myself from visibly wincing. “Remember everything I said, okay?”

  He nodded. “I will. I think we just need some time.”

  I nodded, despite the uneasiness tightening my chest. “Take all the time you need.” But don’t forget about me. Please, don’t let me go.

  I glanced at the ER entrance as a middle-aged woman herded a boy toward the door. “I should go. Looks like you’ve got work to do.”

  He turned and sighed. “Yeah. I do.” Facing me again, he said, “Thanks for coming out.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  We held each other’s gazes for a moment, as if we weren’t sure how to end the conversation. It had been a long time since we’d parted ways without a long kiss, and I was pretty sure that wasn’t welcome tonight.

  Then he reached for me and softly said, “Come here.”

  He didn’t kiss me, but he gathered me in his arms, and at least that was something. It wasn’t frosty distance. Not much more I could ask for right then.

  I hugged him tight. “I’m sorry about all this.”

  He held on too. “It isn’t your fault. We all went into this, and…” As he released me, he shook his head. “I don’t know if we should’ve expected this, or what. But it’s not what any of us set out to do.”

  Neither of us spoke for a moment. We didn’t let go either. Still holding on, he finally whispered, “Give us some time. We’ll all figure this out somehow.”

  I hope so.

  He let me go, and we started in separate directions without another word. Halfway to the parking lot, I glanced over my shoulder, but he’d already disappeared into the ER, the automatic doors sliding closed like a wall slowly forming between us.

  As I continued toward my car, I hoped he took me at my word. That he believed me when I told him how much Gabe adored him, and that he knew I meant it when I
said how lucky they both were to have each other.

  Someday, I’d find love. Maybe I’d even find love like that.

  For tonight, though, all I could do was hope I hadn’t lost my two best friends.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Shahid

  There was a steady stream of patients through the ER for the next couple of hours. A kindergartener with a high fever. An older gentleman whose chest pains turned out to be muscle strain—still, wise of him to come in and get it checked just in case. Four people with minor injuries from a car wreck. Two with somewhat more severe injuries from another.

  I moved from patient to patient, assessing and treating and reassuring where I could. I could concentrate, but the whole time, a queasy feeling sat firmly in my gut. Every time I had a momentary lull, that queasiness grabbed my attention, and my mind went back to my conversation with Kendra. And the fight with Gabe. And the conversation with Kendra.

  I could still hear the slamming door behind Gabe, and I was still afraid he wouldn’t come back. Something about the way Kendra and I had said good-bye wasn’t sitting right with me either. It reminded me of the way a dropped call seemed to hang unfinished until someone reestablished the connection. There was no real end point. We’d been talking, and then…she was gone, without the full stop of a slamming door or even a well-defined good-bye.

  Except we’d hugged. We’d said good-bye. So why did I feel like something had been left hanging?

  Around sunrise, as I was taking a few minutes to catch my breath between the patient who’d coded twice—but was finally stable and on her way to the ICU—and going in to stitch up a frat boy’s arm, my mind wandered back to Kendra for the millionth time.

  And suddenly, it occurred to me—I hadn’t kissed her.

  I’d hugged her, and we’d both held on for a moment longer than usual, but then she’d walked away, and I’d walked away, and the lack of that tender, affectionate kiss had left me twisting in the wind like she’d stormed off in mid-sentence.

  I’d known her for years, but the last few months, things had changed. We were affectionate now in a way we’d never been. Not quite sexual, but not entirely platonic either.

  And now we weren’t.

  And kissing her had become a habit. A normal thing. Part of what we were now.

  The same way sex between her and Gabe had become part of what they were now. If it felt wrong for me to part ways with her like we had this time, then why was it so hard to accept that sex was something that existed between them? Something they turned to in moments of need the way Gabe and I did?

  I winced and gritted my teeth. Yeah, it made sense. I got it. I just wasn’t sure how I felt about him needing—and receiving—that from someone else. But did that make me a hypocrite?

  Gabe was struggling to let her go. He’d admitted as much.

  Maybe, as I replayed Kendra’s departure tonight, I was too.

  My heart stopped.

  Wasn’t that the crux of this whole thing? Neither of us could let her go.

  Since the night he’d slept with Kendra after the doctor dropped that bomb, I hadn’t been able to explain why it bothered me so much. Even then, I’d known he hadn’t cheated on me. That he hadn’t intended to deceive me, break any rules, anything like that.

  What did it mean that things had evolved between them to a degree where physical intimacy was a source of comfort? Gabe and I had that. We’d had it for years. When I came home from a rough shift and gave him a look, he didn’t say a word. We went to bed, and we didn’t come up for air until I was good and ready to. Or when he came back from a visit to his family, and the sex was suddenly needy and raw, and he was insatiable and sometimes wound up nearly in tears by the time it was over.

  And that night, she’d needed the same from him, and he’d given it to her.

  I wasn’t jealous or angry because they’d slept together when conception was off the table. It was because they’d bonded enough that they could be that raw and needy for each other. Or that they could fill that need for each other.

  My chest ached and tightened at the same time.

  Gabe didn’t have a wandering eye. He’d never had one. I’d had my irrational worries in our early years, but now I had zero reason to believe that if I put my foot down, he’d go find another woman. And every reason to believe that if I made him distance himself from Kendra, he’d be hurting more than he had any right to hurt for someone who was just a friend. Because she was more than that to him, and we both knew it.

  And yet, every time I considered putting my foot down, my heart hurt, and not just because I worried it would backfire or that I’d be hurting Gabe or Kendra.

  It hurt because I didn’t want to lose her either.

  I rubbed the stiffening muscles in the back of my neck as I headed down the hall to suture up that frat boy. My brain needed to get back in the game. I’d address everything with Gabe and Kendra later. For now, I had to work.

  Until such time as we could sort things out face-to-face, I just had to accept that I didn’t understand. That it didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense.

  Nothing except making some very profound changes to the life I’d known for the last eleven years.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Gabe

  I called in sick to work the next day. As much as I hated to burn any of my off time, I would’ve been useless to my students.

  And, I eventually admitted to myself, I wasn’t sure I could face Kendra again. Not until I’d straightened things out with Shahid. One thing at a time.

  Around eleven in the morning, the front door’s dead bolt clicked.

  My spine straightened.

  As Shahid closed the front door, he did a double take. “Oh. You’re home.”

  “Yeah.” I clicked off the TV. “I called in to work.”

  He looked me up and down as he toed the door shut. “You all right?”

  “Physically, yeah.” I wrung my hands. “Listen, I’m sorry. About the other night.”

  “Me too.” He chewed his lip.

  I watched him from the couch. He watched me too, eyes flicking toward the stack of papers beside me. I’d been trying to grade them but couldn’t concentrate. Even the television hadn’t been able to hold my focus for more than a few seconds.

  But Shahid had my full attention now.

  He squared his shoulders and took a breath. “I think we need to talk.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  He pushed himself off the door and sat on the couch beside me, and for a moment, neither of us spoke. I searched for the words that I’d been rehearsing ever since I’d left the café after coffee with Kendra, and he waited. Probably wondering what was on my mind. What bomb I might drop on him. Or maybe he was getting ready to drop a bomb of his own.

  “So.…” He muffled a cough. “Kendra came by during my shift.”

  Ice water shot through my veins. “Oh. What did she have to say?”

  “Well, we talked about everything that’s happened recently.”

  “So did we,” I said. “We met for coffee last night.”

  “I know,” he said, and there was no hostility or anger in his tone. “And…” He scrubbed his hand over his face, not even seeming to notice the hiss of his palm rubbing over the heavy stubble.

  I moved my papers out of the way and pulled my knee up onto the couch. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Okay.” He faced me but didn’t come any closer.

  I swallowed. “Do you really think I’d leave you because… Because of anything?”

  Shahid lowered his gaze. “Sometimes I worry, yes.”

  “Because things would be easier with her than with you?”

  “Wouldn’t they?”

  “No.” I shook my head and reached for his hand. He didn’t recoil, thank God. “I’m no easier to liv
e with than you are.”

  He eyed me. “But being with me means putting up with things—outside things—that—”

  “Yeah, it does. But I mean, haven’t you ever noticed that when I come back from a holiday with my family, the first thing I do is drag you to bed?” I fought to find the words. “It’s not because I’m horny, Shahid. It’s because I need you. After putting up with their shit, and listening to people who refuse to cut you any slack, and just, I mean, being away from you…” I clenched my jaw as a lump rose in my throat. “To be honest, I’m terrified you’re going to walk. I was worried for a long time because you weren’t comfortable being with a bi man.” I tried to force back that ache in my throat but wasn’t having much luck. “And now after this thing with Kendra, especially after I slept with her after the fact, and… God, I am so sorry.”

  “Gabe.” He wrapped his arms around me. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  Why wasn’t I convinced? Why didn’t he sound convinced?

  “The thing with Kendra…” He was silent for a moment and then drew back and met my gaze. “You have feelings for her, and—”

  “Shahid.” I sighed. “I’ve admitted it. What more do you—”

  “Hear me out.”

  I pressed my lips together and watched him.

  “The thing is,” he said, “I know you have feelings for her, and I think I do too.”

  I blinked. “What?”

  “It doesn’t make sense. But there it is.” He made a frustrated gesture and pursed his lips as if he were trying to pull a bunch of jumbled thoughts into a coherent sentence. “I could spend all night explaining it, but the bottom line is that I think you’re in love her, and so am I.”

  “You’re—” I shook myself. “But she’s a woman.”

  “I know. And I have no desire to have sex with her, but I enjoy it when it’s all three of us. Even when it’s me and her, I still like kissing her and being close to her. I’m not attracted to her like I am to you, but I like… I like being with her. Physically, if not sexually. And now that she’s been in our lives that way, I mean, it’s…”