Chasing Someday

by Lindzee Armstrong

  “What’s this?” Christina took the glass uncertainly.

  Gary grinned, taking her briefcase and setting it on the floor. “We’re celebrating your last day of school.” He took her hand, leading her into the kitchen. “C’mon, I ordered a gluten-free cake from that specialty bakery you like.”

  “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

  “I decided to take off early. Are you surprised?”

  Christina leaned forward and kissed him. “Very.”

  “I’ve got a full night planned. We’re going to dinner at your favorite restaurant, then catching a chick-flick marathon. I thought we could see those two new romantic comedies you’ve been eying.”

  Her heart swelled with love. This was how Gary had been when they were first married. She’d missed him. He had his faults, and they had their difficulties. But he was a good man. “Sounds fabulous.” Christina clinked her glass against his. “To a night of relaxation.”

  He grinned, and they both drank.

  Christina held her breath as Dr. Mendoza inserted the ultrasound probe. The doctor looked at the screen, and Christina’s fingers curled into a fist. All their hopes, all their dreams, hinged on these few brief moments. Her stomach ached from the constant needles and swollen softball-sized ovaries. If this didn’t work, she wasn’t sure she had it in her to try again.

  Dr. Mendoza removed the probe. “Everything looks great, Christina. You should be ready for the egg retrieval the day after tomorrow.”

  Christina sighed in relief. “Will there be enough eggs to freeze?”

  “We won’t know until we see how many fertilize, but I think the odds are in your favor. Give yourself the HCG trigger shot in four hours.”

  Christina called Gary on her way home. “Everything looks great. The egg retrieval’s Wednesday at eight o’clock in the morning.”

  “I’ll let work know I need to take a personal day,” Gary said.

  Her heart fluttered with happiness. Six months ago, she would’ve had to beg Gary to take the day off. Now she didn’t even have to ask.

  Christina was more scared the morning of the egg retrieval than she had been the day of surgery. Gary squeezed her hand as they drove to the clinic.

  “Everything’s going to go great,” he assured her.

  “I hope there’s enough to freeze.”

  “You don’t think it’ll work this time?”

  Christina wondered how to reply. Even if it did work, at some point they’d want another baby. “I think it will work. And I think in four or five years, we might want to do it again.”

  Gary swallowed hard, then nodded. “I’ve always wanted one of each.”

  Christina couldn’t believe he was thinking that far ahead. “Me too.”

  At the clinic, she changed into a gown. The nurse started an IV and sedated Christina. By the time Dr. Mendoza arrived, Christina’s thoughts were all cloudy, and she struggled to stay awake. Gary held her hand.

  “We’re going to start the procedure now,” Dr. Mendoza said. Her voice sounded far away.

  “Okay,” Christina mumbled.

  She felt dull pricks of pain, and her thoughts drifted as though on waves.

  “They’re all done, Christina,” Gary said. His hand squeezed hers. “You did great.”

  “How many?”

  “They extracted fifteen eggs. Dr. Mendoza said you need to rest for a few hours before we can go home.”

  Christina nodded and fell asleep. A few hours later, she woke up to Gary’s hand on her arm. “Dr. Mendoza is here to talk to us.”

  Christina tried to focus on Dr. Mendoza, but her eyes kept sliding shut.

  “You did well, Christina. Fifteen eggs is a good number,” Dr. Mendoza said.

  “How many do you think will fertilize?” Christina’s words came out slow and labored.

  “Hopefully all of them. But sometimes we lose a few. We’ll call you in two days and let you know. Start your new medication tonight to help thicken that uterine lining, okay?” Dr. Mendoza turned to Gary. “When she feels ready, help her get dressed, and you can go home. She needs to rest today.”

  Christina floated in and out of sleep for the rest of the day. The following day, Gary returned to work. Christina still felt tired, so she mostly watched TV and lay in bed.

  It was late afternoon when the call came from Dr. Mendoza’s office. “Twelve eggs fertilized,” the nurse told Christina cheerfully. “We’re all ready for you tomorrow at nine o’clock.”

  Twelve fertilized. They’d have ten to freeze. Christina was excited and scared and happy and terrified.

  That night she was a nervous wreck. At midnight, they gave up trying to sleep and went to a late night movie at the theater. They were tired, but anxious when they arrived at the clinic the next morning.

  “It’s an exciting day,” Dr. Mendoza said. She motioned for Christina to lean back on the exam table. “This shouldn’t be nearly as bad as the egg retrieval. I’m going to insert the catheter very slowly to minimize uterine cramping, then insert the eggs. You need complete bed rest for two days, and I don’t want you doing anything strenuous until we know if you’re pregnant or not.”

  “Okay,” Christina said.

  “Here we go.”

  Christina closed her eyes and prayed it would work.

  Kyra knocked on Cassandra’s door, glancing at her watch. Malachi had come over an hour ago asking if Sophie could play, and Kyra had agreed. Her HCG test later that day had her jumpy with nerves, and the reprieve from Sophie’s chatter had been welcome.

  Cassandra opened the door, and Kyra smiled. “Hi. I’m here for Sophie.”

  Kyra heard a squeal. Sophie ran around the corner, Malachi close on her heels. Sophie skidded to a halt, then ran in the opposite direction. “Sophie!” Kyra called. “Come back. We’re going to be late.”

  “Oh, do you have an appointment?” Cassandra asked.

  “Just a quick one.” She hoped Cassandra wouldn’t ask here. “Sophie!”

  Sophie peeked around the corner, a pout on her lips. “I don’t want to go. The doctor’s office is boring.”

  Kyra closed her eyes. Why had Sophie mentioned their destination?

  Cassandra’s brow creased. “Is something wrong?”

  Kyra wracked her brain for a believable explanation. “Oh no. Just some follow-up blood work after the miscarriage.”

  “Three months later?”

  How did Kyra respond to that? Avoid the question. Kyra shrugged. “Come put your shoes on,” she told Sophie.

  “Why don’t you leave her here?” Cassandra said. “She and Malachi are having fun, and you won’t have to worry about her at your appointment.”

  “Yeah!” Sophie said, running off with Malachi before Kyra could protest.

  “Are you sure?” Kyra asked. “You’ve watched her so much lately.”

  “Really, it’s not a problem. She keeps Malachi entertained, so it’s actually easier to get things done when she’s around.”

  Kyra glanced at her watch again. She didn’t have time to argue. “Thanks. I won’t be gone long.”

  Kyra drove to the office and had her blood drawn without incident. “We’ll call you before six tonight,” the nurse told her. Kyra paid the receptionist and opened the door to the waiting room. She hoped Sophie wasn’t being a nuisance. Kyra would insist Malachi come over tomorrow for a play date to return the favor.

  “Kyra?”

  She froze. Oh no. No, no, no. Kyra knew that voice. Slowly, she turned around. Nestled together on the couch were Megan and Trent Burke.

  Kyra should’ve known they’d use this fertility clinic. It was one of only a few in the county, and by far the most reputable. Well, she couldn’t exactly avoid them now.

  “Hi,” Kyra said awkwardly, walking over to them. “Um, how are you guys doing?”

  “Great,” Megan said. “We’re having our egg retrieval today.” While visiting at church last month, Megan had mentioned they were doing in vitro. Kyra knew Christina was
as well.

  “Oh, good luck. I hope everything goes well.” An incredibly awkward pause. “I should go pick up Sophie.”

  “Wait!” Megan stood. “Why didn’t you tell me you were struggling with infertility?”

  Kyra’s shoulders sagged. “I don’t know.” Because it was embarrassing. Because it felt insignificant in light of Megan’s five-year struggle.

  “How long have you been coming here?”

  “About six months.” Kyra debated whether to say more. “I just had the HCG draw. For our third IUI.”

  “I had no idea.”

  “We haven’t told anyone.”

  “The miscarriage?”

  Kyra nodded.

  Megan sucked in a breath. “I’m such an idiot. All these months talking to you, and I never knew.”

  “It’s not anywhere near as traumatic as in vitro, I’m sure. You and Christina—”

  Megan cut her off. “Infertility hurts. No matter what.”

  “Megan.” They both turned to see a nurse holding a clipboard, waiting expectantly.

  “I have to go,” Megan said. “But I want to talk more. I hope the IUI worked.”

  “Thanks. And good luck.”

  Megan nodded, and she and Trent followed the nurse. Kyra quickly left.

  As she climbed into the van, Kyra wondered how she should feel about this. Megan knew, and she would tell Christina. Should Kyra be upset? Pretend nothing had happened?

  Relief. That was what Kyra felt. Her heart felt lighter. Megan knew now. And she understood.

  Kyra started the van, flipping the A/C to high as her phone started ringing. She looked at the screen, surprised to see Cassandra’s number. She never called when she had Sophie.

  “Hey,” Kyra said uneasily. “Is everything okay?”

  “Don’t freak out,” Cassandra said. Kyra’s breathing quickened. “Sophie’s going to be fine, but there was an accident. My oldest is watching my kids, and I’m taking her to the pediatrician’s now.”

  “Oh my gosh.” Kyra slammed her car into reverse and backed out of her parking spot, turning left toward the pediatrician’s. “What’s the matter?”

  “I think she broke her wrist. You use South Jordan Pediatrics too, right?”

  “Yes, I’ll meet you there.”

  Kyra parked at nearly a forty-five degree angle, taking up two entire parking spaces, and ran into the doctor’s office. Sophie’s pitiful sobs filled the building. Cassandra stood at the check-in counter holding Sophie. Her head rested on Cassandra’s shoulder and tears streamed down her cheeks.

  “Mommy!” Sophie said, wailing even louder.

  Kyra ran over, and Sophie reached out to her with one arm. The other she held close against her chest, and the wrist seemed to hang unnaturally. Kyra took Sophie into her arms, careful of her wrist.

  “Are you the mother?” the nurse asked.

  Kyra nodded.

  “We can take you back now.”

  Kyra turned to thank Cassandra, but she shook her head. “Oh no, I’m coming with you.” Since Cassandra knew all the details, Kyra didn’t argue.

  “What happened?” Kyra asked. But Dr. Brighton entered the exam room before she could answer.

  “What’s the matter here?” Dr. Brighton asked.

  “I think she broke her wrist,” Kyra said.

  The doctor groaned. “Oh no. Sophie, how did you do that?”

  Sophie clung to Kyra and whimpered.

  “I was babysitting,” Cassandra admitted. “I was in the restroom and heard a crash, and came out to find her screaming on the floor.” She flicked guilt-filled eyes to Kyra. “Malachi said they were playing Superman, and Sophie jumped off the kitchen counter.”

  “Uh-oh, that’s not good,” Dr. Brighton said. “Sophie, can I look at your arm?”

  Sophie whimpered, but allowed him to extend it. He barely touched her wrist, and she drew back with a scream.

  “It’s definitely a break,” Dr. Brighton said. Sophie clung to Kyra. “Let’s get some x-rays to determine the extent of the damage. If it’s severe enough, she might need surgery to set it.”

  Kyra gulped, looking down at Sophie’s swollen wrist. It looked horrible. How much was this going to cost? Would it mean they couldn’t take out another loan if they need to? Kyra guiltily shoved the thought aside. Sophie came first.

  They were taken to a back room that held the x-ray machine.

  “Sit on this chair and hold her. We only need her arm on the table,” the nurse said. The nurse and Kyra helped Sophie into a lead apron. “Before I forget, is there any chance you could be pregnant?”

  Kyra’s heart thumped in her chest. She glanced at Cassandra, then at the nurse. “Yes.”

  “No problem,” the nurse said, grabbing another lead apron off a hook. “You need to wear this.”

  Kyra quickly put on the apron, avoiding eye contact with Cassandra, and cradled Sophie close. Kyra tried to sit, but Sophie screamed and clung to her with her one good arm.

  “Shhh,” Kyra said. “It’s all right. I’m going to sit here on this chair, and you can sit on my lap.”

  Eventually, with Cassandra and the nurse’s help, they managed to get Sophie’s arm under the x-ray machine. Then they were led to the exam room and told the doctor would be there shortly. When Dr. Brighton walked in, he held three films. He placed them on the flat whiteboard and flipped on the light to read the scans.

  “Broken,” he said.

  Kyra pulled Sophie tighter, but relaxed her hold when Sophie whimpered.

  The doctor pointed to the white line across Sophie’s wrist. “The good news is it doesn’t need surgery. We’ll set and splint it for now, then cast it in a few days when the swelling goes down.”

  The tears streamed down Kyra’s face as they set Sophie’s wrist, and she screamed in pain. Kyra held her close and prayed the doctor would work quickly. Sophie mercifully fell asleep against Kyra’s chest as they wrapped her arm.

  “I’ve faxed the prescription for her pain medication,” Dr. Brighton said as they walked out of the exam room. “I’ll see her in three days to cast it.”

  “How long will she have the cast?” Kyra asked.

  “About six weeks.”

  Six weeks. An eternity.

  “I’m so sorry,” Cassandra said as they left the office. “I don’t even know what to say.”

  “It could’ve happened to anyone,” Kyra said. “Don’t beat yourself up. Thank you for all your help.”

  “Call me if you need anything.” Kyra knew Cassandra wanted to ask if she was pregnant—she could tell by the way Cassandra’s eyes flicked to Kyra’s flat stomach—but she was too polite to ask.

  Kyra slowly put Sophie in her car seat, trying not to jostle her. Her face was red and tear streaked, and she mercifully stayed sleeping. “I’m sorry,” Kyra whispered. “I should have been there.”

  It wasn’t Cassandra’s fault Sophie fell. She couldn’t keep an eye on all four of her children plus Sophie every single moment. This was Kyra’s fault. If she would’ve been there, it wouldn’t have happened.

  Kyra called David on the drive home and explained the situation. “They set it, but she can’t get a cast until the swelling goes down.”

  “I’m coming right home.”

  “How?”

  “I’ll ask a co-worker to drive me, or I’ll jog. Do you need anything?”

  “Just the prescription from the pharmacy.” It was on his way.

  Kyra drove slowly, making sure to avoid potholes and make her stops and starts smooth and easy. She had just laid Sophie in bed when David appeared in the doorway, the medicine bottle and plastic syringe in hand.

  Kyra measured out the proper dose of medication. Sophie woke up enough to swallow, then promptly fell back asleep. David kissed her gently on the forehead and they left the room.

  Kyra shut the door, and David opened his arms. She fell into them, hiding her head in his shoulder.

  “Let’s go downstairs so we don’t wake u
p Sophie,” he said. “Then you can tell me what happened.”

  David led Kyra into the kitchen and made her hot chocolate—Kyra’s comfort drink, even in June. “What happened?” he asked as he set a glass of milk in the microwave to heat.

  Kyra explained why Sophie was at Cassandra’s. “We’re so consumed with getting another baby, I wasn’t there for the one we already have.” Her shoulders shook, and she put a hand to her mouth to hold back the sobs. “If I hadn’t been at the doctor, maybe—”

  “Don’t say that. It wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t Cassandra’s. These things happen. The important thing is Sophie’s fine.”

  “She’s not fine. She’s going to be in a cast for six weeks.”

  David placed the cup of hot chocolate in front of Kyra. “Drink.”

  She brought the cup to her lips and sipped. It was the perfect temperature, not too hot and not too cold. “I should have been there,” Kyra repeated.

  “What’s this really about?”

  She wrapped her hands around the mug, letting the warmth seep through her. “I feel like my energy is so devoured by the miscarriage and getting pregnant that I can’t even be a good mom to Sophie.”

  “You’re a great mom.”

  “Not lately. I’ve been snippy and cross and short on patience.”

  “I haven’t noticed.”

  “Sophie wanted to stay at Cassandra’s. And I wanted to be alone. So I let Cassandra convince me to leave her, and Sophie got hurt.”

  “Sophie will be fine.”

  “It could’ve been so much worse. She almost needed” —Kyra choked on the word— “surgery.”

  David sat on the stool next to hers. “Hopefully the IUI worked, and you won’t spend much time at the clinic anymore. Have you gotten a call from the doctor yet?”

  Kyra hadn’t even thought about the blood test since Sophie’s accident. She checked her phone for a voice mail and found one from the clinic.

  Negative.

  She clutched at her chest, her heart pounding. Her vision blurred, and she hung up the phone.

  “Well?” David asked.

  Kyra shook her head. “I can’t,” she gasped. David pulled her close, stroking her hair. “I can’t do this again.” She struggled for breath.