by M. B. Feeney
We're just about to go on stage, I'll call you later. Gx
I guess you're busy, tried to call. Gx
Are you okay? I'm getting worried now Gx
call or text G, he's texting me every 5 mins. Karina.
herro? you ignoring everyone? K
I quickly shot off a text to Karina telling her what had happened to my phone and then worked through my contacts until I found Gage’s number. Get a grip, woman. Yet another internal bitchslap was given, and I pressed ‘call’.
"Hello?" My heart sank. The woman's voice sounded as if I had woken her up. "Hello? Is there anyone there?" Her American accent taunted me. It was similar to Gage’s, which made me upset. Had Dermot been proven correct in his assessment of him? Had he flown over a girlfriend from back home to keep him warm at night since I wasn’t around?
"Um . . . Is Gage there?" Why didn't I just hang up?
"He's asleep right now. Can I tell him you called?" Her pleasantries pissed me off.
"No, thanks. It's okay." I ended the call. I will not cry. Fighting back tears, I threw the phone onto the sofa where it dangled over the arm, still attached to the charger. I could feel the tell-tale prickly feeling behind my eyelids, but I forced it to stop and made my way up to bed.
It had taken a long time for me to fall asleep. My mind was working in overdrive. I eventually crashed as the birds began to sing outside. When I woke up, I found that the kids had left me to lie in. After a couple of minutes of failing to muster enthusiasm for the day, I made my way downstairs. The kids sat at the table eating some cereal, and Jenny was sitting on the sofa, glued to her phone again.
"Morning, babe." She smiled at me when I flung myself down next to her and smiled weakly. "You okay?"
"Yeah, just tired. I didn’t get much sleep." I really didn't want to talk about it. It would be better to forget about the whole thing and get on with my life.
"Okay." Jenny sounded like she didn't believe me, but let it go. "What's the plan for today?"
"Have you got anything that needs doing for the film?"
"I've got a couple of emails to send off and some phone calls to make."
"While you do that, I'm going to take the kids to the library and grab some shopping. Give you a couple of hours of quiet."
"That's great, thanks."
Once I’d herded the kids into the bathroom and we were all dressed, we left Jenny to some peace and quiet.
Although I felt naked without it, I left my phone at home on purpose. I wanted to be able to spend some time with the kids without being interrupted every five minutes. We were a bit longer than planned because it seemed that every one of their friends from school was shopping with their own parents. Of course, we had to stop to talk to them all. When we finally managed to get to the library, they ran straight into the children’s area while I perused the shelves in the adult section, avoiding anything that even bore a passing resemblance to romance. I picked up a couple of books for myself while the kids approached the desk with theirs. We then went and did a bit of shopping. I decided to treat the kids to a taxi ride home rather than lug everything onto the bus. My car was still in the garage, and I was missing it.
The house was quiet on our return. I found a note propped up against the kettle from Jenny.
Had a call to go down to London. Be back tomorrow. Love ya xx.
I smiled at her good fortune. Her career dreams seemed to finally be coming true, and I was proud of her perseverance.
"Mum, your phone's flashing," Grace called out from the front room.
I went over to my phone, which was still plugged into the charger, and picked it up. The number on the screen wasn’t one I recognized, so I ignored it and switched off the phone.
"Hey, kids. Shall I make some snacks so we can sit down and watch a DVD?"
My boy jumped straight into my lap, the mummy's boy that he was.
"I want to read my new book in my bedroom." At nine going on sixteen, my daughter was a lot like me as a kid.
"Okay, sweetie." I gave her a kiss. "Just you and me then, kiddo." Tucking myself and Sam under a blanket with some microwave popcorn, we watched his latest favourite animated movie. It didn’t hold my attention, and I was just dropping off when the house phone rang. I shifted the boy off my lap and grabbed it.
"Hello?"
"Why aren't you answering your mobile?" Karina sounded frustrated. "I've been trying to reach you all day."
"I forgot to take it when I took the kids out. To be honest, I don't even know where it is." Guilt at lying ate at me. "Sorry."
"I was just seeing if you got hold of Gage last night in the end."
"No. I didn't get through, and then I crashed out." Feeling uncomfortable with where the conversation could be headed, I wanted to change the subject, but I didn't know how.
"Okay. Listen, are you coming down to London at all over the next week while the guys are down here?"
"I don't know yet. Jenny wants to start flat hunting. She's there overnight but needs to be back by Thursday afternoon for something, and I need to check with Dermot, see if he can have the kids again."
"Let me know. Oh, and call Gage. He’s stressing because he hasn’t been able to get hold of you."
Karina ended the call, allowing me to stand up and stretch. I looked down at Sam to find him fast asleep. After covering him up, I went outside, grabbing my phone on the way out. I ran my hand through my hair, annoyed at myself for being an idiot. There was no way I could keep my phone on silent forever. Before I talked myself out of it, I opened up the texts I’d received during the day.
Hey darlin'. where u hidin? Gx
Hey, I had to go down to London overnight, be back tomorrow. Jx
Any chance you can get down to London for a gig? Kx
Thinking of you on stage. Just sang F&F. Gx
Unable to bring myself to reply, I went back into the house, picked up Sam, and carried him upstairs to bed. He was out for the night. I checked in on Grace. She was tucked up in bed, still reading one of her library books.
"Hey, baby. Whatcha reading?" I sat on the bed next to her.
"Just a book."
Wrapping an arm round her, I pulled her in close to me.
"Mummy, why was Gage here when Daddy brought us home?"
I had been dreading this question from her. "He came to see me." My fingers were crossed under the duvet, and I hoped she couldn’t tell I was stretching the truth.
"Are you friends?" Trust a child to get straight to the point.
"I think so. I haven't known him for very long." At least this wasn’t a lie.
"Will he come and see you again?"
"I don't know, baby. He's very busy."
"With Pocket Full of Lyrics?" My daughter, the sponge. Who'd have guessed I'd ever regret playing their music for her?
"Yes, baby. They're doing concerts around the country."
"Can I go to one with you?" Oh, crap.
"We'll see. I don't know if they have one we can get to, and you're back at school next week." After I climbed to my feet, I bent to give her a kiss. "It’s bedtime now." I took the book from her and placed it on her side table before switching the light off and heading back down to the front room.
I looked at my phone as if it were a weapon of mass destruction. More than anything, I wanted to pick it up and text or call Gage, even if it was just to have a go at him for treating me like an easy lay. He’d been very clever about it and could quite easily have left it as a one night stand back in Texas, but no. He had to phone me, turn up at my house, and treat me nicely— like we had a future. I never should have let myself get swept up by him in the first place. A pretty face, a few lines, and a day out shopping seemed to make me anyone's for the asking. Well, that was it. I was done. His hat would be posted to Karina, and she could give it back to him. There was no doubt she would be seeing more of Matt, and although I was pleased for them, it felt a little bittersweet now.
My hand hovered over the phone for a mo
ment. Then I made up my mind and opened a new message. I was tempted to type a massive 'fuck you' to Gage but couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I sent a text to Karina.
So Gage's got a new bird. I'm out. Say hey to Matty x
I wandered along High Street Kensington, which was pretty quiet, and revelled in memories. Despite spending so much time in this area of London as a kid and a teenager, it had been a while since I'd been back. It had changed quite a bit but still felt like home.
In the days since I’d decided I was done with Gage, I’d maintained a solid front for everyone. Dermot agreed to have the kids while I travelled to London with Jenny. We'd seen a few placed that she liked in and around Notting Hill. Since she was bogged down with meetings with her agent, Sean, I had the opportunity to wander around and relive some memories. Most of them were good, some not so much, but almost all of them brought a smile to my face for one reason or another.
Walking through Holland Park up to Notting Hill Gate brought a barrage of memories of walking late at night with an ex. How ridiculously easy life was back then. I turned into the park where I had spent many a day having lunch or just relaxing with friends.
Once I had passed through the gate, I relaxed and slowed my pace, making the most of the time to take everything in, walking along the path, watching children, and enjoying the sunshine. Kids were running around with friends, playing football, sitting with family, and having what looked like a great time. Scenes like this hadn’t happened so much where I lived. Most parents were too busy to or just not interested in taking the kids out for the day.
Jenny had been badgering me to go to the gig at one of the Student Union bars that evening, but I was still undecided. I wasn't sure if I was ready to see Gage so soon, especially if his new bit of stuff was going to be there. Despite the front I’d showed everyone, inside I was hurting, and seeing him with someone else would have crushed me. I hated myself for feeling the way I did, but he’d done a real number on me. Dermot had been right, and I wasn’t quite ready to admit it.
When I checked my watch, I saw there were still at least two hours until Jenny finished her meeting. Karina, who was putting up the pair of us for the long weekend, was at work, so I was on my own for a while. It didn't bother me, and I continued to walk through the park, caught up in my own little bubble. I was so deep in my thoughts that I jumped at the sound of my phone ringing.
"Hello?" I didn't check the display.
"Hey, babe. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be tied up in this meeting for another couple of hours yet. I'll just meet you back at Kar's to get ready for the show tonight," Jenny told me.
"I don't think I'll be going to the gig tonight, b-"
"You are going. You are going to get pretty, and you are going to enjoy yourself. I don't know what's going on between you and Gage, but I don't appreciate getting phone calls from him asking me to get you to call him. Why are you ignoring his calls and texts, anyway?"
"I came to my senses.” Not wanting to divulge any more, I decided to give in. “Okay, I'll come to the gig, but I will not enjoy myself."
Jenny laughed. "Yeah, whatever. I gotta go. See you later."
She ended the call, and I carried on walking, nearing the Notting Hill exit of the park. I decided to head up to Portobello Road to have a look around the market in the hopes of something distracting me from my unease.
In the shoe shops, nothing caught my eye, which was rare given my love for boots of any kind. Continuing along, I wandered into the ‘vintage’ section of the market, where there was a possibility of finding something to wear to the show. I slowed my pace and began looking through stuff laid out on the different stalls. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a hat stall, and I made my way towards it, considering the idea of replacing the hat Gage had left in my house that had been returned via Karina and Matt. There were masses of beanie hats, possible presents for Karina's birthday later in the year. Frustrated, I was just about to walk away when a beautiful, grey fedora called to me. I moved closer and reached up to get it down and try it on.
Before I could get it in my grasp, my fingers came into contact with another hand. I turned to apologise to whoever it was, and my breath was ripped from my lungs when I looked into glorious green eyes.
"Hey, darlin'" His voice was full of shock at seeing me. I opened my mouth to say something, but then I realised he was arm in arm with a stunning, statuesque blonde. Unable to stop myself, I turned my back on them and stalked off, the hat forgotten. No more than two feet away, I heard him say, "Oh, what? You're gonna walk away?"
Furious, I turned around. "Why shouldn't I?" I stalked back to him, yelling in his face. "There's shite all keeping me here."
Something flashed in his eyes, but it was gone almost before I saw it. "Well, an explanation would be nice." His voice remained calm, but I could see the girl's hand was tight on his arm, as if she were holding him back.
"Why the fuck would I do that? I never got one." My anger was making me shake all over, so I made the decision to walk away before I said something I’d regret, or burst into rage-fuelled tears. I could hear him calling my name, but I ignored him. He didn’t come after me.
In an attempt to calm down, I trudged in the direction of the tube station and headed towards Euston, where I knew Karina would be finishing up at work. My anger hadn’t subsided when I emerged at Euston Square. After lighting a cigarette, I pulled out my phone from my jeans pocket and sent off a text to her. I'm outside, need a drink. x. I received a reply within seconds.
Be 5 mins, meet me in pub round the corner. Kx
The pub was easy to find, so I went in and ordered a bottle of beer, finding an empty table outside so I could smoke away my frustrations.
My mind fumed over seeing Gage parading around with his new hanger-on and having the audacity to have a go at me for not explaining myself to him. I could have understood if he’d discovered another man in my bed, but no. That honour was bestowed on me. I started to get an ache from clenching my jaw to prevent myself from screaming in the middle of the street.
"So why the desperate need for a drink?"
I looked up from peeling the label off my bottle, eyes a bit watery.
"Be right back." Karina went straight to the bar and soon re-joined me. "Spill it."
I took a deep breath and told her everything that had happened. "So you had a go and walked off?"
Nodding, I continued playing with the torn label on the beer bottle in my hand.
"Why didn't you let him explain?"
"I didn't want to listen to excuses. I've been there, done that."
She bit her lip in thought. "Does this mean you're not coming to the gig tonight?"
"Oh, I'm coming. I'm under orders from Jenny. Besides, we get to meet Wade." I smiled at Karina. "I'll be okay as long as he doesn’t try to speak to me. I may end up ducking out early while you and Jenny mingle."
"I guess that’s the best we can expect. I’ll make sure you have the spare key in case you need it. Let's get back to the flat and get you gussied up and show that stupid Texan what he's missing." She took hold of my arm, and we made the twenty-minute walk back to her flat.
We'd been back an hour when Jenny arrived, carrying beer and a pizza.
"Oh, you are a life saver. I'm starving." Karina almost dived on her. We sat chatting, eating, and drinking to while away the time we had to spare before the gig. As the time got nearer, I could see Karina getting more and more nervous.
"What is wrong with you?" I teased her, knowing she was trying to hide how excited she was to be seeing Matt again. It was a feeling I knew well. I’d felt it in Texas after spending the day shopping with Gage.
"Nothing." Then her buzzer sounded.
"That'll be Wade." Jenny jumped up to let him in. To make the most of the disruption, I locked myself in the bathroom and had a quick, refreshing wash and got changed. I could hear Wade’s voice when he spoke to the girls in the front room. It reminded me of Gage’s, which
was to be expected, although it wasn’t as deep and lyrical.
To make a point, I didn't bother making too much of an effort, choosing to keep my make-up minimal and teasing my hair into messy curls. I pulled on a pair of baggy boy fit jeans and a tight fitting vest top, going for the casual look but still looking feminine. The outfit was finished off with a baggy cardigan and beanie hat, then I made my way out into the front room to pull on my boots and to sort my bag out.
"You must be Charlotte."
I looked up and nearly passed out. If Jenny hadn't warned me, I would have sworn blind that Gage was standing in front of me, holding his hand out for me to shake.
"I've heard a lot about you."
Shaking his hand, I couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t make me look a complete idiot.
"I doubt any of it’s good." Karina's voice brought me back to reality.
Thankful for the distraction, I threw her a small smile.
"Hi. I've heard a bit about you, too." It was then that I started to notice the differences. Wade was taller than Gage, his hair was a darker shade of blonde, and he had a slightly wider jaw. Jenny had a smirk on her face that seemed to say, I told you so. Her expression changed when she took in what I was wearing.
"Um . . . Charl. I thought you were getting prettied up." She sounded disappointed.
"Why should I? I have no one to impress, do I?" Then I picked up my bag, throwing my phone, purse, and cigarettes inside.
Karina handed me the spare set of keys, a look of understanding on her face. "I thought you were going to let Gage see what he was missing."
I threw a look at Wade, wishing she’d shut up. "It's a bit late for that. I saw him today with his new bit of stuff, so I went for the comfortable option."
"Wait? What? You saw him today?" Jenny sounded shocked. I hadn't told her about the new girl. "Did you say-"