The Impostor, A Love Story

by Tiffany Carmouche

  Dylan grabbed my arm. “Please don’t go,” he whispered, trying to get me to save him from the psychotic woman he was trying to avoid.

  “Give me a break. Sit next to you for hours? Not interested. I don’t want to catch anything.” I walked quickly away from the truck.

  Emily rolled down her window. “Where are you going?”

  “Nicole, what’s up?” Bradley screamed from his truck.

  “I just remembered something I have to do,” I lied.

  “Get in here.” Bradley told one of the girls in his truck to ride with Justin and asked me to get in. “You are coming, Nicole. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

  I motioned to Emily that I’d just go in Brad’s vehicle instead, and she understood. She knew I was interested in Dylan and that there was no way I could let myself ever go out with him. I had already been there, done that, and had the scars of a broken heart to prove it. I took a deep breath and tried to forget how it felt to be so close to him.

  We pulled up to the huge boat. A big deck hovered above the water, with a balcony overlooking the deck. We walked down to the lower level where windows looked out to the water. Plenty of tables were scattered throughout the area, and a small café sat in the corner. Chris and Emily settled in at a table next to a large window.

  I ran up to the deck to watch as the boat pulled away from the pier. The gentle waves crashed against the boat as we made our way farther from shore. It was cold, but I didn’t want to miss a minute of it by going inside. I loved the way the wind gently sang, relaxing me, and helping my mind escape. Within ten minutes of departure, the waters were already unveiling sea animals. A little girl stood with me, just as captivated to see the otters as I was.

  “Over there!” Both our faces lit up as we pointed out the seals playing all around. I felt her trembling. She must be a tourist who didn’t come to Alaska prepared at all.

  I had on a small sweater under my coat. Taking off my jacket, I wrapped it around the little girl. She was about the same age as my sweet Jessica. She made me miss my little angel so much. I ran my fingers over the little plastic bracelet Jess gave me before I left. I wished she was here.

  “We can’t take your coat,” the woman said as I wrapped my scarf around her daughter too.

  “I’m fine. I’m used to the cold.” I wasn’t. The moment I took off the jacket I realized how nippy it was, but the girl was so tiny and innocent and her little face, so pink.

  “Where are you all from?” I could tell they were from the south, but couldn’t quite place the accent.

  “Phoenix, Arizona. It still feels like summer there.”

  “I can only imagine.” We shared a few magical moments with the playful otters, and then I made my way inside to warm up a little, grabbing some hot cocoa.

  I saw Emily sitting with Chris in the corner laughing. I walked over to their table and invited myself to sit down.

  “You should have seen the otters. They were so cute,” I interrupted. Jessica really would have loved them.

  “It’s too cold out there. We will watch by this window,” Emily began. Truth was the only thing Emily was interested in observing was Chris—although she would never let on she was interested. Not that I was jealous or anything, but this was the first time since we had been in Alaska we weren’t joined at the hip.

  “Chris said he could take us horseback riding sometime. I thought it might be fun. What do you think?”

  “That would be great. I love horseback riding. Definitely sign me up.”

  I gawked out the window at a school of dolphins jumping above the water. “Oh my gosh. Look! I’ll be back. I’m going back to the deck.” I figured I’d leave them alone. He was the first guy she seemed remotely interested in since her ex.

  I searched the lower deck. Bradley was surrounded by people, and I wasn’t really in the mood for small talk, so I made my way back outside alone.

  The wind stung my face, but I felt free. The mountains shot up into the air, towering over the waters. Spectacular. I disappeared for a moment. For a split second, I wished I had a canvas. The way the sunlight danced on the water, I wanted a pallet to capture its brilliance. But my painting was a thing of the past.

  I remembered the day I got the acceptance letter from California Institute of the Arts with a full scholarship. I could still remember the conversation as if it were yesterday…

  I was so excited. When Ronald got home, I ran to him, knowing he would be proud of me. He always said I should pursue my dreams. I realized, however, that was because he thought I wouldn’t make it.

  “This school is in California?” With a slight slur, Ronald dismissed the letter and tossed it aside as if disgusted. I could smell the whisky on his breath.

  “Yes, it’s an amazing school!”

  “So you applied to something in California? What the hell, Nicole? Why would you do that?”

  “We talked about me applying to these universities, Ronald. You knew I was going to do this.”

  “What will you do for money? And what about me? Am I supposed to follow you around? Who will cook for me if you are at school all day? You’re not going to college, especially not in California.”

  “I am going to college, Ronald. I didn’t work this hard in school for nothing.”

  “So you want to leave me? Is that what you want?”

  “I applied to other universities as well. If I get a scholarship to one that is closer, I’ll go there instead.”

  “I don’t think you understand me, Nicole. You are not going to school. I’m not going to wait around for you.”

  “Ronald, this is something I have been dreaming about since I was eight. You told me you understood. You were with me when I applied.”

  “Things were different then. That was before you moved in with me. What the hell is going to art school going to do for you? You need to work. You need to make money, not play with a bunch of paint.”

  “Ronald, this is what I want to do. I want to teach. This program will not only help me get my stuff into galleries, but will give me the credentials to teach. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do.”

  “There will be no more discussion.” He picked up the letter and tore it up, throwing it in the trashcan. My heart dropped. An empty feeling began to consume me.

  I ran to the trashcan, picking out the torn pieces and putting them in my pocket. “You can’t tell me what to do.” Tears began pouring out of my eyes. “You can’t tell me what to do!” I screamed back at him.

  The summer after I graduated from high school, I had moved into his apartment. He was a few years older than me. I don’t know why I was in such a hurry to grow up. He was my first love, but once I moved in, he began to change.

  “You’re choosing some stupid paints over me? Is that what you are saying?” His eyes began to bug out, and I could see the veins in his neck. He ripped one of my paintings off the wall. “This? This crap? You are going to choose this crap over me?” He swung the painting around and smashed it against the corner of the wall. After breaking it in half, he grabbed a knife to finish it off.

  Grabbing the ceramic hands I sculpted off the coffee table, he turned and smashed them on the counter. A sob escaped me, remembering the work I put into sculpting them. “This shit, this shit is nothing!” I just stood there in disbelief.

  “Stop it, Ronald. Stop it.” I ran to him, trying to stop him from destroying every piece I had created.

  “Get the fuck off me, bitch.” He swung at me and I plummeted over the coffee table. Then he picked up the canvas from the hallway, came back at me, and began beating me with the sunset I had painted. The painting where I had captured serenity was now used to break my ribs and batter my face.

  I tried to stand up, but was beaten to the ground. Glaring at me laying there, he picked up the whisky bottle to strike me and make sure I learned my lesson in obedience. But he stopped when he realized I was lying there bloody and motionless.

  I woke up in the hospital. Ronald had
told them I had fallen down the stairs again. I think they knew better. I was lying in the hospital bed when the nurse came in.

  “The baby is okay. There seems to be nothing wrong with her. We will have to keep you overnight to make sure she remains stable and to watch over you, but she is a miracle baby to survive a fall like that. Your ribs are broken.”

  “A baby?” I questioned, puzzled. “I’m pregnant?”

  “Yes, you are. At least twelve weeks.”

  “A baby?” Ronald said with excitement. “We are going to have a baby, honey.” He acted as if nothing had happened. He was excited because he knew: pregnant, I couldn’t go to college.

  When Ronald left the hospital, my parents and Emily begged me not to go home to him. I don’t know why I did. He was the only love I knew, and we were about to have a child. I thought things would change. I thought his cheating, his abuse, and his drinking would stop now that we were having a baby.

  When I returned home, there was no sign I had ever painted before in my life. All my paints, all my clay was stripped from the apartment. He would never allow me to even speak of it again. That day, a little piece of me died.

  I don’t know why I loved him so much. I wanted it to work. He was Jess’s dad. But one evening after a beating, I focused on my battered face in the mirror, touching the purple bruise around my eye, and realized my daughter Jessica shouldn’t have to see her mother like this.

  I heard a splash, and it helped me escape from my horrible memory. There were schools of dolphins jumping into the air and performing tricks. I allowed them to help me forget and just be present in the moment. They were so close, if I was to jump overboard and swim, I could be in the middle of their performance.

  My cheeks stung. The wind gently splashed my face with the mist. Goosebumps covered my arms, but I was so taken in by the beauty of the mountains, and how graceful the dolphins were, I bore the cold. I hung over the railing like a little kid, excited at each discovery of marine life.

  All of a sudden, a body came up behind me, and warm hands rubbed my arms as if trying to help relieve me of my goose bumps.

  “You’re going to freeze to death out here.”

  I glanced around and saw Dylan. I couldn’t believe he would come over to me after what I did to him with Rita.

  “I’m fine.”

  “You’re not fine. Where’s your coat?” He discovered the little four-year-old wrapped in it.

  “She was cold,” I explained.

  “Do you know her?”

  “It doesn’t matter. She was cold.” I dismissed the question.

  “And you? Are you cold now?” He continued to warm my arms with his hands.

  “I’m fine.” I wasn’t fine. He was touching me, and this tickly feeling wiggled its way through my body.

  Dylan shook his head.

  “Look,” I screamed. I was so excited to see a killer whale burst out through the water, I forgot who I was talking to. “Can you see them!” I gasped. I turned my body around to view another one. “They are so amazing. Look!”

  “You have seen a bunch today. You would think you’ve never seen a whale before?”

  “How could anything so powerful ever get old? Oh my gosh! Orcas.” I laughed as if they did their performance just for the two of us.

  He stood behind as his hands slowly traveled up and down my arms, allowing me to express my childish awe. I knew I should have shoved him away, but the truth was it felt good. I was freezing, and it was relieving some of the bite. It also was nice sharing this moment with someone, even if I had to remind myself he was with a different girl every night.

  He wrapped his jacket around me and lifted my hair out from under the collar.

  So warm. “Wait, what are you doing?” I turned and peeked up at him.

  “You are bright pink.” He began fastening the buttons. “If you are going to stay out here, you have to wear something.”

  “What about you? I’m the one who gave my jacket away. I didn’t do it to have you give me yours.” Oh, but it felt so warm and the smell, mmm, the scent of his cologne filled my nose.

  “I know, but what kind of man would I be if I left you here to freeze? I’ll be fine. Everyone else has the sense to stay inside.” I tried to take it off to return it to him, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

  “This will be the last time I ask you to put more clothes on. Trust me. That was really sweet of you to give your coat to that little girl. I saw how her eyes lit up when you wrapped her with it so she didn’t have to go inside. But your teeth are chattering and the mist is getting you wet. If you get sick, Bradley will get mad. Just wear it, especially if you are going to be staying out here for a while.” I turned around and noticed the sincerity in his eyes. He wiped some of the spray of cold water from my check.

  “Dylan, I really can’t take your coat.” He was so beautiful. I didn’t want him to be nice to me. It was already hard to pretend I didn’t feel like a smitten schoolgirl around him.

  He focused on my eyes. My heart began racing as he leaned forward to kiss me. A mixture of excitement and horror filled my core. I leaned back a little over the rail to avoid his lips.

  He whispered, “You can take my coat and you will wear it.” I felt foolish when I realized he wasn’t going to even try to kiss me. “I’m going back inside so I don’t hear any more of this. Enjoy yourself.” He began to walk away.

  “Dylan.” I grabbed his hand as he was walking toward the stairs to the lower deck.

  “Yes, Nicole?” My name sounded so sweet on his lips.

  “I’m sorry for having Rita sit next to you in the SUV after you told me you were avoiding her.”

  “Yeah, that was pretty messed up, but I survived.”

  “I don’t know how you do it though.” I shook my head.

  “Do what?” He walked closer to me.

  “Make sex so meaningless. Is there anyone you haven’t slept with?”

  “You.” He licked his lips like he was ready to devour me and the corners of his mouth raised.

  “Yeah, well that will never happen.”

  “You don’t find me attractive?” He gazed at me. “I can really warm you up if you like.”

  He leaned in closer, taking my chin in his hand. “So beautiful.” He stroked my face with the back of his hand. “Your skin is like porcelain.”

  Then he touched my mouth with his fingertips. “And your lips . . . your lips are like rubies, and you’re not even wearing lipstick, are you?”

  I bit my lip, glancing down to avoid his eyes. The stupid butterflies started dancing again in my stomach.

  “Don’t be shy, Nicole.” He lifted my chin, so I had to look at him again. “You are so gorgeous standing out here with your long hair flying in the wind.” He brushed my hair off my shoulder, and it whipped back up from the breeze.

  I blushed. I knew it was a line, but I wanted to believe he meant it. After a brief moment of hopefulness, I snapped out of my stupidity and realized who it was that was standing before me.

  “Dylan, I’m not interested in being a part of your harem. If you gave me your coat so I will sleep with you, I’d prefer to freeze.” I began taking off his jacket.

  “No, keep it on. You enjoy the view. I’ll go inside so I don’t have to hear anymore about it.” He wrapped it back around me, a little stunned that I didn’t fall for his charisma.

  When we got off the boat, I was still wearing Dylan’s jacket. I didn’t have the heart to take my jacket back from the little girl. Walking down the street to a little restaurant, we passed by a man dressed in dirty clothes, sleeping in his truck. I figured he was homeless, and so I ordered him something to go. Leaving the restaurant, I began walking over to the truck with the bag of warm food in my hand.

  “Nicole, what are you doing?” I heard several people calling out, giggling as if it was ridiculous to feed someone in need. I got to the man’s truck and knocked on the window.

  “Excuse me, sir. I saw you sleeping here and
thought maybe you would like something warm to eat.” He took the bag from the window.

  “Thank you, darling, this is sweet of you but—”

  “You take care.” I walked away before he could refuse the meal. By this time, the whole group was laughing hysterically.

  “What is wrong? You don’t know when he had his last meal. If he can’t afford someplace to live, I’m sure he’s hungry.”

  “Nicole that was . . .” Dylan said, wiping the tears from his eyes from laughing so hard.

  “Who?” I couldn’t hear the name because he was laughing uncontrollably. Was this name supposed to mean anything to me?

  “Nicole, he’s a millionaire. He owns a fleet of fishing boats,” Brad said in between breaths of hysteria. “One of the richest guys in the state, and you gave him a bag of food.” Everyone was shaking their head as if I was an idiot. I didn’t know what to say.

  “It’s kind of cute, I have to admit.” Dylan tried to control his amusement.

  “I just thought . . .” I tried to explain.

  “Give it up, Nicole. You’re an idiot,” someone from the crowd screamed out, laughing.

  I felt really foolish, but he was in old clothing and sleeping in his truck.

  Emily came over to console me. “Don’t worry about it, Nicole. It was sweet. You have to admit, it’s a little funny. I can only imagine what he was thinking when you handed it to him.”

  I finally went from feeling like the victim of their laughter to seeing the humor of it and laughed at myself as well. I shook my head in my embarrassment.

  I tried to give Dylan his coat back, but he wouldn’t take it until we were back in the warmth of the cars. Taking my hand, he tried to lead me to the SUV with him to save him from Rita. But I knew he would continue his meaningless flirting with me until I broke down and slept with him. And then I would be the next Rita—avoided and made fun of.

  I really did not know what was wrong with me. I hated that I kept reliving him coming up behind me on the boat, gently grazing his hands down my arms, and wrapping his jacket around me. He was like a really addictive drug that I knew was dangerous, but I so craved—just one more hit. I couldn’t sit next to him. I couldn’t be in the same car as him.